


GravRickity Falls: Beginnings

by Cartoon_Idiot_59



Series: GravRickity Falls [4]
Category: Gravity Falls, Rick and Morty, Star vs. The Forces Of Evil
Genre: Bisexuality, Bondage, Drinking, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Ridicule, Implied Pinecest, Multi, Musical References, Pansexual Character, Psychological Torture, Rishathra, S&M, Shooting, Sibling Incest, Torture, non-consensual incest, stanchez
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2019-07-23 22:49:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 39
Words: 74,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16168406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cartoon_Idiot_59/pseuds/Cartoon_Idiot_59
Summary: Dipper and Mabel return to Gravity Falls the next summer. Rick Sanchez decides he needs to update defenses. Who were the criminals and terrorists Ford joined beyond the portal? What was Rick doing for twenty years? These and other questions may be answered.





	1. The Multiverse and Dimension 46 ' \

**Author's Note:**

> I started just wanting to write a piece of fluff shipping Morty Smith and Wendy Cordderoy (yes, I add a 'd') but these characters tend to wander off and do what they want. I also wanted to fill in some backstory that the creators have made it clear would never be told. Personal headcanon away! Timelines are suspect because, as we all know, writers cannot do math. Canon timelines are pretty strange anyway. Apologies to Alex, Justin and Dan, and all associated with both properties. And of course to you, the reader. Yes, 'Beginnings' is part 4 of the series. It's the first one I started and it still fits. The larger tale begins here.

Once upon a time...no, that's not right. A long time ago... Wait, that's the same thing isn't it? Okay, lets look at reality. No, no, from the outside. That's better, see it? The hyperspherical tesseract colored Robin's Egg Blue? Now, move your head. Exactly, the hypertoroid, kind of a beige bagel in seventeen dimensions. That's reality, depends how you look at it. Let's look closer. Past the spikes, through the Mandelbrot set, just there, dimension Forty-six Apostrophe Backslash, right turn, Local Group, Milky Way, unfashionable west end, Sol, Earth, North America, Oregon, little town called Gravity Falls. We're here.

Saturday, June 1st, 2013, a 'Speedy Beaver' bus has just unloaded a few passengers. Two of them, twins, a boy and a girl, thirteen years old are walking away from the center of town. The boy, who goes by the name 'Dipper' Pines is pulling two large wheeled suitcases. He also has a HUGE backpack. His twin sister, Mabel Pines, was unencumbered and running around her brother, speaking excitedly.

"We're HERE, Dipper! We're really HERE! Gravity Falls! Do you believe mom and dad let us come back?! After last year?! WAY better than another summer in Piedmont! Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Ford! Soos! Wendy! All our friends! Maybe even Pacifica Northwest!" She nudged him in the ribs and winked. "Y'know?! C'mon bro-bro, smile! WE'RE HERE!!"

" Mabes, do you think you could take ONE of your bags? I'd be more inclined to smile if I weren't schlepping everything uphill. Grandma Shermie is why we're here I think. She seems to think we can keep Ford and Stan from fighting. Besides, I don't think she or mom quite believe what happened last year." Dipper, a brown haired brown eyed boy in greyish shorts, an orange T-shirt and a blue fleece zip-up vest had turned around and was backing up the hill, for better leverage against the luggage. He was also wearing a fur Russian hunter's hat with the earflaps.

Mabel, who also had brown hair and and brown eyes, was wearing a pink hand-knit sweater with a multi colored shooting star on the front, a pink hair band and a blue denim skirt, replied. "Maybe! What about dad?!"

"Oh, dad believes. He's been here. He KNOWS. He thinks it's good for us. 'A few summers in Gravity Falls and nothing the real world can throw at you will faze you.' Besides, maybe it'll be quieter this year."

"Well, DUH, Dipper! How many apocalypses...apocalypsi?! No, apocalypses do you expect to go through?! Rogue gnomes, werewolves, maybe some vampire bats, just a normal summer!"

"I hope so. Hey, you know those bats just suck the juice out of fruit, right?"

Mabel was running away, uphill, backwards, fingers in her ears."LA, LA, LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I don't read your nerd books! " She turned back around to face where she was going. "Hey, isn't that Grunkle Stan's car?!"

A maroon Cadillac crossed two lanes of traffic and parked in front of them, facing the wrong way. A tall (very tall, 5'10") redheaded sixteen year old girl jumped out, wearing a blue and white trucker's cap with a blue pine tree on it, a green plaid flannel shirt, torn jeans and muddy boots. "Dudes! I found you! Look, Stan leant me the Stanmobile! He, like, ordered me to come and get you." She opened the trunk and helped Dipper load the luggage, ignoring the honking of passing cars. "Let me look at my dorks! Gettin' taller Dipper, but you've still got a way to go to catch up with me! Mabel, you're getting actual CURVES, girl! Damn, your boobs are nearly as big as mine! How's the romance, still chasing?" They climbed in to the car and Wendy Cordderoy pulled a U-turn and headed up the road out of town.

"Well, Wendy, I decided to take a page from the chillest person I know, a certain lumberjill from Oregon, who NEVER had a problem getting a date! Now, I let them chase ME until I catch 'em! I may have had my first kiss in Gravity Falls, but my second, fifth, tenth and twenty-fifth were all in Piedmont!" Mabel answered, smiling.

"Cool, cool, maybe you shouldn't use me as a role model, Mabes. People talk, y'know? You wild woman! Anything more interesting than kissing?"

"Wendy Cordderoy! In front of my BROTHER?! He'll NARC! Holy Moses, she wants me to say how far I've gone in front of my brother! We'll have girl talk later, in private! Do you talk about your private business in front of YOUR brothers?!"

" No, but I do with my dad. He's cool. He's not HAPPY about it, but he's cool. 'Wendy, I know it's hard without your mom, we all do the best we can, not so many DETAILS, huh? Excuse me, I have to go punch something.' Dipper won't narc, right, Dipper? Besides, parents can be cooler than you think. Sometimes I talk to Stan about stuff, y'know? He's heard EVERYTHING!"

They pulled up to the Mystery Shack, a wooden A-Frame building with several wings and porches, which had clearly gone through some hard times. Parts had obviously been rebuilt, it was covered in scars, gouges, burn marks, and what appeared to be blood stains, in both red and green. As they get out of the car you might notice the three teens also had scars, gouges and burn marks, quite a lot, even for active and stupid teenagers. Someone had done horrible things to Dipper's arm with a fork, thin white lines criss-crossed their arms and legs.

Mabel ran into the Shack, the cry "I WANNA SEE MY GRUNKLES!" Dopplering away in the mountain air. Dipper got his backpack and Wendy pulled the bags from the trunk. 

Wendy got a serious look on her face and said, "Dipper, I'm sorry, but can we swap hats back? I hate to do this but I think you really should have your hat back." 

They switched back, Wendy taking the Russian hunter's hat and Dipper taking the trucker's cap. Dipper got a hurt look in his eyes and Wendy said "Dude, it's not like that. I have my reasons. Two, in fact. One, I just went through an Oregon winter without old reliable here. I may look way cool in your hat, but it's way cold!"

"Okay" said Dipper. "And two?"

"Two" she said, tears welling up in her eyes and spilling down her cheeks. "Two... Dipper, I'm SCARED! I keep hearing this voice in my dreams, saying 'Icebag, what are you doing with Pine Tree? Are you sure you want to be switching things around? Because Pines belong to ME!' I think you know what voice I'm hearing, right? Then, this happened." She held out her right hand, palm up and made a fist. A perfect equilateral triangle appeared on the inside of her wrist, with two intersecting arcs forming the outline of an eye. Tears were dripping off her chin. "Dipper, I'm MARKED! I thought he was gone!" She grabbed him and hugged him, hard. " God, I'm so glad you're back! Both of you! I've missed you so much! With all the Pines' here, we have a chance!"

Dipper held her tight and gently kissed her cheek. Pat, pat, he thought. "Wendy, don't cry. You're stronger than all of us. Who's the awesomest person I know?"

(Sniff!) "I am, ya twerp! I know!" She dried her tears with the tail of her shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, astute readers may notice oblique references to "The Life and Times of Shermaine Pines" by Sarielle. A fine work, much better than this dreck, go read it! So, I thought why limit myself to Canon. Besides, Shermie's story is so compelling! It's the multiverse, it all has to happen somewhere, right? Other fanworks to be referenced later. Reality being Robin's Egg Blue on the outside is a tip of the hat to Terry Pratchett's Discworld. Reality being beige from the outside is some mathematician or Astrophysicist I read years ago.


	2. Dimension C-122 Rick Remembers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick Sanchez does some thinking and remembers a few things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not every memory in that room was Morty's. Rick's had his mind blown too. My explanation of a couple of Easter eggs.

Roughly two-hundred fifty miles to the northwest and 6,061,937,112,319,590 realities away, a man was sitting, thinking in a suburban garage. He hated thinking but, he was damned good at it. Shit, he thought, we're fucked! Why the fuck can't I keep my fucking mouth shut? Starting a war with the U.S. government? Smooth, Rick, real smooth. The POTUS may accept 'fishing Rick' as a face-saving ploy but he's an irrational megalomaniac. Takes one to know one. Motherfucker has left over Galactic Federation tech laying around now, too. Tachyon weapons? Maybe. Blast shields won't stand against those!

It gets better! I had to brag to that dickweed charity Rick about murdering the Council! Asshole seemed okay with it, but shit! Now I know where I live! Whoever replaced the Council may decide that the wild card, C-137 has outlived his usefulness. Fuck, if I put my mind to it, I've got antimatter weapons! We are well and truly FUCKED! 

"How can I defend myself against myselves?" He muttered aloud. Something in his pocket beeped. He pulled a small black box with a bifurcated antenna out and screamed at it. "Computer, what the fuck DO YOU WANT?!"

The little machine took it in stride. It was built to be shouted at, thrown against walls, jumped up and down on, left in the vacuum of space, and shot with high energy particle beams. Rick knew himselves. 

"Possible answer to query." the device responded calmly. "Access RS Mindblowers file name 'STANFORD'. Possible cross-reference RS Mindblowers file name 'BILL C.'. Unit respectfully reminds User that Unit is under orders to respond to certain keywords found in file name 'For when my back's against the wall no this time I really mean it shithead'. Unit also respectfully requests User to consider simplifying file naming system. Again. Go ahead. Shoot me. See if I care. Unit respectfully requests User consider ramifications of working for the biggest asshole in existence. Again."

Rick Sanchez chuckled to himself. He was a seventy-one year old man, tall, skinny, with pale blue hair (lighter than Robin's Egg, definitely not Eau de Nil.) in spikes around the bald spot in the back. Kind of like Einstein's. He was wearing black dress shoes like a beat cop, brown pants, a blue long sleeved pullover shirt (ok, the shirt IS Robin's Egg) and a long white lab coat. "User r-respectfully requests Unit to go fuck itself."

The garage he was sitting in wasn't exactly a typical suburban Seattle garage. It had perfectly ordinary tools hanging on the walls beside absolutely impossible ones. There was a work bench scattered with both kinds of tools and a helmet looking thing covered in electrical coils. There were two sets of metal shelves with cardboard boxes containing strange devices, interesting chemicals (Oxytocin, anyone?) and jars of screws, sorted by size. One box was labeled 'Time Travel Stuff'. Next to it was either a mask or the head of some fantastic aquatic beast. Next to THAT was a large, spiky mace. On one wall was a cork board covered in photos and documents linked together with string tied to push pins just like detectives and conspiracy theorist nutjobs have in movies. If you remove the right pin, it opens up a hidden compartment where Rick hides things he wants kept SECRET. Considering what's out in plain sight, one has to wonder what that could be. The whole garage, no, the entire HOUSE was full of gimmicks like that. Next to the door to the house in a form-fitting bracket hung a pink, bulbous, otherworldly THING. (Everyone has a Plumbus in their home).

Didn't I get shitfaced one night on Kalaxxion Crystal and Vertobian Hyperopium? I get so paranoid when I speedball. Set up a Worst Case Scenario file. Beats building Neutrino bombs, I guess. Fuck, I forgot that shit for a reason! Now I need to go down to the annex and REMEMBER some shit! Stanford? I drove by a college, once. Who the fuck is Bill C. ? Didn't he found AA? Guess I'll find out. Computer better not be suggesting I quit drinking, this time I really will destroy it. He pulled a flask from his lab coat and took a swig. 

He stood up, pulled a mat aside, opened up the hatch and climbed down the ladder to his actual labs. He entered what he privately thought of as memory lane and looked at the wreckage. 

"Shit, what the fuck happened here? I run a Mindblowers I forgot about? Don't think about it." He found the tubes with the memories the computer suggested, sat down, put on the helmet and played Stanford back into his brain.

Oh, yeah, Fordsy! What an earnest young chipmunk he was! What a buzzkill! Still, smart shit, building his own portal, motherfucker had gravitas, made a great figurehead. Really? Magic and shit? Have to pay ol' Fordsy a visit, unicorns are a bit scarce along the central finite curve. But Blood Ridge again, though! That was a lot of Gromflomites! A lot, LOT, LOT of Gromflomites! Not genocide, though. Still a lot of bugs out there. But we did kind of kill more bugs than ever actually ever existed in any one reality. In, like, four hours. No wonder the Galactic Federations wanted us so bad. That seems to be what I needed, wonder what's on the other memory?

Well, that was fun! Bill Cipher! My little Lati! Not a bad idea, 'A party that never ends, with a host that never dies!' Too bad it involved the complete destruction of the continuum. Can't have Eldritch Abominations taking over the universe, people would talk! I see why I removed this memory, always a good idea to forget Eldritch Abominations, but I don't see why the computer wanted me to remember. What does Lati have to do with my problem? Or Fordsy either....Holy shit! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Bill was Ford's nemesis! Might have some good news for Fordsy! No, wait! Lati must've survived the destruction of Nuptia 6, he's probably loose. Maybe I'll just give Fordsy a wide berth. Shit, I don't even know if the poor bastard made it home! Oh, and fuck me, I've got the whole war back, I'm going to get all MARTIAL now, aren't I? I can already feel it, thinking in terms like teams and field ops, drill and wet work. Make it easier to talk to Ford, if I run into him, but the kids'll think I've gone fucking nuts! He cleaned up memory lane, headed back up to the garage, squared his shoulders and took a deep breath.

"Fuck it! Shit's got to be done! Bite the bullet, Rick!" He opened the door to the kitchen and called out "Kids..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The computer in 'The Wedding Squanchers" didn't have any personality, but I take it as a given any AI Rick invents develops sentience. I had wondered how and where Morty would've met Ford and Bill Cipher and decided those were Rick's memories. More information about Glapflap's third moon and how Bill Cipher wound up on Nuptia 6 in subsequent chapters.


	3. Marked! Or, how Wendy got her groove back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wendy and the Mystery Twins discuss being marked by a demon, recent movies, and relationship tropes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I couldn't resist the Rocky and Bullwinkle style chapter title. I like this one, I can genuinely hear the characters voices.

Dipper led Wendy to the couch on the porch. This was bad, but maybe not that bad. "Wendy? Did you ever make a deal with Bill? You know, shake his hand?"

"What?! No way, dude! No freakin' WAY! The one time I saw him I tried to whack him with my axe! Didn't turn out so well. Next thing I know, I'm hanging from the rafters like an Oregon Dunk Slammers jersey! Being cloth SUCKS, Dipper! It sucks HARD! " Wendy crossed her arms, fuming.

"Just checking. If you had, it would explain things. I'll definitely take the hat back, maybe that'll stop things. Maybe your dreams are right. Oh man, oh man, oh man, this is BAD! If you never made a deal and you're still being marked that means he's taking an interest! Which means he still IS! Somewhere. Have you told Stan and Ford?"

"Dude, I barely told you! What would I say? Stan, Dr. Pines, I might be possessed, I've got the mark of the beast on me? Don't think so, man. They'd, like, kick me out. Wait, I can't just give it to you, that puts you in danger!"

"Don't worry about that, it's too late for me. Us. Bill was right, the Pines' belong to him. Except Mabel. We've ALL cut a deal with Bill, Wendy! That's how we beat him! Grunkle Stan and Great-Uncle Ford turned the tables on him! Gave HIM a bad deal for once." Dipper started sounding depressed and tired but finished with fire in his eyes and a cocky grin.

"Wait, what?" 

"Heck, they wouldn't throw you out, it just makes you FAMILY! Here, let me show you." He held out his right arm and made a fist. A complete Bill Cipher appeared, hat, cane, bricks and all. It even had the eyelashes. "Don't worry, most people can't see it. Besides, there are some perks. It gives me a certain cachet with the Goth and Emo kids, they think I'm a cutter. For some reason they think that's cool. If they knew it was the mark of a real demonic possession their stupid heads would explode!"

Mabel came bursting on to the porch. "WENDY! You did your job too well! Everybody's busy! We weren't expected for, like, another twenty minutes! What's going on here?! DIPPER PINES!! Did you make Wendy CRY?! Why I oughta..." She pushed her sleeves up and took a boxing stance, moving her fists around.

Wendy held her hands up. "Whoa! Easy, there, tiger! Dipper made me STOP crying. He was really sweet!"

"Yeah, I got her mad! Better an angry Wendy than a weepy Wendy!" Dipper playfully punched Wendy's shoulder.

"Dork. Dweeb. Total trippin' turkey." Wendy punched him back, which nearly knocked him off the couch.

Mabel leaned on the arm of the couch, face cradled in both hands, eyes getting big. "Aww, lookit you two! True love!"

"Mabel..."

"Mabes..."

"TRUE LOVE, I TELLS YA!! So what's going on here?" Mabel pulled a red marker from somewhere, turned her back, and when she turned around again she had two scars drawn from the corners of her mouth. She pitched her voice lower. "Why so SERIOUS?!"

Dipper narrowed his eyes. "Don't make fun, Mabel. 'The Dark Paladin' is a cinematic masterpiece."

"Meh, it was okay. The Jester was kinda cute, though! Reminds me of someone!"

Dipper facepalmed. "You can't possibly be saying that you think Bill Cipher is CUTE!"

"Hey, c'mon, Dipping Sauce! He's fun, he's charming, he's a snappy dresser! Besides, girls like bad boys, right Wen-Wen?!"

"Not all of us, Mabes. It gets old quick. You think you can change 'em, but you can't. My advice? Find a nice guy and then, I don't know, maybe dirty 'em up a little."

Mabel wiped the marker off of her face and sat down next to Wendy. "What did I tell you?! TRUE LOVE! Hear that Dipper?! Ready to get dirtied up?! I think you might have a chance this year! Or you can try for Pacifica Northwest! I KNOW you have a shot there, but you had better come CORRECT! That girl NEEDS a nice guy in her life! Sorry, Wendy, but Dipper has a new obsession. Not in a creepy, stalker-y way. Paz needs him so she can be a real girl and not a cold, ice bit-, excuse me, witch! Don't worry though! You'll always have a Pines pining for you! I'M nice, and I'm pretty dirty already!" She flipped up her skirt and showed all she was wearing underneath was Mabel. She grinned up at Wendy and winked, smoothing her skirt back down.

"MABEL!" Dipper exclaimed, exasperated. "Sorry, Wendy, it's just Mabel. She has no filters, y'know? Mabel, Wendy was explaining that she's afraid, that's why she was crying. She has bad dreams and... show her, Wendy."

Wendy rolled her eyes, but made a fist. The triangle and curves reappeared.

"Gwendolyn Blurble Cordderoy! Did YOU cut a deal with the Dorito of Doom?! For shame, Wendy, for shame!" Mabel ran one index finger down the other, the old lady symbol for 'For Shame!'. She then grabbed Wendy's arm and looked at her with shining eyes and asked "What did you ask for?! Did he come through?!"

Wendy was perturbed. "Why does everyone ask that? No! I did NOT make a deal with that... that creature! Jeez!" Her anger faded. "Hey, how do you know my real name? I got BROTHERS don't know my full name."

"I am Mabel Pines! I SEE ALL, I KNOW ALL!!"

"You filled it out on your application to work at the Shack. We kind of went through Grunkle Stan's paperwork when those Government guys arrested him. Trying to figure out, why?" Dipper explained. "Wait, maybe we're over thinking this. I do that, you know?"

"WE KNOW!" Both girls replied. Mabel continued "Jinx! You owe me a Pitt Cola!"

Wendy left the couch. "Got one here in the cooler, Mabes! Want one, Dip?" 

"Sure, why not?"

Wendy brought back three cans of Pitt, they all took a drink and expertly spat out the pits. Wendy sat back down between the Pines twins. "What do you mean, Dip?"

"Maybe it's because we were all in the Zodiac. Maybe it's got nothing to do with making a deal. Maybe, hopefully, it doesn't mean Bill's still around somewhere. Maybe your dreams are just your mind trying to figure out, why? I'll still keep the hat, though. Just in case. We should check the rest of the ten, just to make sure."

Wendy wiped her brow. "Phew, that takes a load off my mind! Dipper, listen to your sister. You're, like, up to my nose now, you're mature for your age, you have a shot! But you had better come correct with ME too, mister! I don't know, maybe me and Pacifica can come to some kind of accommodation. Mabel, that's an interesting offer you made, VERY interesting! Maybe we can have a sleepover this summer, huh? What do you think, Dip, okay with a sleepover?"

"Yeah, watch my sister and my first crush commit soixante-neuf? No, thanks."

"Dipper, Dipstick, Dipwad, that was an INVITATION! She wants you to join us! We can make a chain! Wendy, I love him like a brother, 'cause he is, but he wouldn't recognize a girl flirting with him if you beat him over the head with her! Doesn't fit in with his world-view! It's kinda cute, but MADDENING!"

"I know, right? You should've seen him trying not to look at my boobs when I wiped my eyes with my shirt!"

"DIPSHIT! A girl FLASHES you and you DON'T LOOK?! That's just RUDE!"

"Hey, I said trying! He looked. Felt good, too. Human. Umm.... What's swiss-ant-noof?"

" That?! Oh, it's French for sixty-nining! Dipper's posh with his slang!"

"Ok, cool. Umm...Mabel, how did you know I was..."

"Bi?! I'm a Pines woman, we have fully functioning gaydar! If you work both sides of the street, you run into twice the traffic, right?!"

"You got it, girlfriend! High five!" Wendy looked at her palm. "Wow!"

"Yeah, I high five HARD!"

Dipper Pines was thinking. Whoa, I have a shot with Wendy? AND Pacifica? If I come correct, whatever that is? This is going to be a GOOD summer! Better tell Grunkle Ford and Stan about this Bill Cipher thing, though...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can so see Mabel doing the Joker, er, um the Jester. And Dipper resenting it. Retitling movies and songs is part of the fun of GF. Credit where blame is due. It's because of You-Tube commenter CyndigoDoesGames that this nonsense is out where the world can see it (All, what, four, five of you?) Thanks to any and all who took a look at this.


	4. Rick explains some shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick finagles his way to getting the kids' help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the events of the 'Rickchurian Mortydate' a new detante has evolved in the Smith household. Rick must ask permission before going on adventures with Morty and/or Summer.

In the kitchen, Rick Sanchez found himself confronted by an attractive thirty-eight year old blond woman in a red shirt, blue jeans and keds. She had a stern look on her face and her arms folded. His daughter, Beth. She slowly shook her head.

"Dad, we've talked about this. If you want the kids for something, you have to talk with me or Jerry first. New deal, right? Family first?"

"(Urp!) Exactly the kind of thing I want to talk about, Beth. I don't know how m-much time 'fishing Rick' is going to buy us with the arrogant asshole who calls himself President. The b-blast sheilds weren't designed for a full scale attack with Federation level weapons and I don't know what kind of hardware the son of a bitch has lying around. Family first, right? Also, the Council may have a bead on me and un-unfortunatly I DO know what kind of weapons I have! We need an upgrade in our defenses, sweetie. I just remembered something that might work, but it's going to take some raw m-materials not available in this dimension, and I'd appreciate it if you could let the kids help me get the shit. We're standing here with our asses hanging out, and for you, the kids and even fucking Jerry, I'd like to cover our asses!"

"Is this bullshit, dad, or are you on the level?"

"Fuck, Beth, I take security SERIOUSLY! Remember when I hustled you and Diane off to Froopyland and when you came back there was a dead me in the garage? The m-motherfuckers SUCCEEDED in another dimension, Beth! Killed you and your mother and kidnapped me! To make COOKIES, BETH! MOTHERFUCKING COOKIES!"

"Oh, yeah, It was my seventh birthday. You'd just given me 'stabby' and I wanted to stay and fight."

"Right, the pink sentient switchblade. And the handmade wood jewelry box. Music box. M-musical jewelery box." 

"Dad, you've never given ME Jack Shit made out of wood. Sometime I'd like to hear you explain why you seem to prefer US to your original family"

"You're alive, Beth. You're fucking alive. End of story. Don't think about it."

"Aw, dad! I'm so sorry!" Beth Smith hugged her father, tears welling up in her eyes. "Really? A music box? What did it play?"

"Coil's 'Blood From the Air' or 'White Lines' by Grandmaster Flash. Melle Mel? Whoever. The Furious fucking Five."

Beth laughed and pushed her father away. "You asshole! A cocaine song? For a seven year old?"

"Hey, it says 'don't do it'. I was TRYING, Beth. The poor son of a bitch who's flavoring cookies now put 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' in his. Look what happened to him!"

"World's worst dad."

"The apple fell straight down, sweetie. Do you mind if I keep us alive?"

"Right, right! KIDS! RICK NEEDS YOUR HELP!"

Two teenagers came in from the living room and followed Rick into the garage. Beth parted saying "Keep safe, guys. Ha, safe! Look who I'm talking to..." Her voice fading as she went in to the living room. The boy, Morty Smith, brown hair, brown eyes, 15 years old, dressed in a yellow T-shirt and jeans, off-brand running shoes, paused before entering the garage, intently scanning the room. Good, thought Rick, he's learning. Situational awareness. His sister, Summer Smith, strawberry blonde hair in a pony tail, with green eyes, 18 years old, wearing a light purple tank top and white jeans with black slip-on flats, rolled her eyes and gave the garage a cursory glance, putting a purple cell phone in her pocket. She proceeded to lean against the work bench, examining her nails. And THAT bitch, Rick thought, scares even me! How the fuck did Jerry Smith's daughter turn out to be a better sociopath than I am?

Morty spoke. "Wh-what's going on, Rick?"

"Kids, I've decided we need to upgrade the entire defensive perimeter here at Casa Smith. In view of current threats, i.e. the ENTIRE U.S. GOVERNMENT and possibly the Citadel, we are woefully under prepared. Fortunately, I remembered a possible solution. There's this guy I know, came up with a serious defensive strategy back in the war, well, it wasn't for the war, poor bastard had his own problems, we just need to get some raw materials from his home dimension."

"So we're going to go see this 'guy you know'?" Morty asked.

"Shit, I hope not!" Rick replied. "I mean, great guy, smarter than shit, built his own portal! Never known anyone else but ME could do that. His was fixed though. Stuck in his basement. He's from WAAAAY off the central finite curve, had some sort of problem with what he called a dream demon, some sort of Eldritch Abomination, escaped from the Abomination's dimension, ran into some sort of oracle and a m-magic (urp) fucking salamander, shit gets weird off the central finite curve, bumps into me and the boys playing a gig as the Flesh Curtains. We helped him put together a quantum destabilizer, good idea, he was a smart fuck, he helps us at Blood Ridge, back when we were freedom fighting against the Federation, I give him a portal gun and send him on his merry way. He was just so SERIOUS! Kind of a buzzkill, y'know? Major league! Not as bad as Gearhead, but close. Had six fingers on each hand. Thought that made him a freak. Standard mutation, right? I mean EVERYONE'S a freak. Think being 6'5" with blue hair ever bothered me? Fuck, no!"

"Grandpa Rick, what's the difference between a freedom fighter and a terrorist?" Summer asked.

"Well, that's easy, Summ-summ! If you're on MY side, you're a freedom fighter. If you're against m-me, you're a terrorist. If I don't have a side I don't give a fuuuck! Kinda how those definitions w-work for everybody. Enough bullshit semantics!"

"Gosh, thanks for the exposition, Rick! What exactly are we going to do?" Asked Morty, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You just break the forth wall, Morty?"

"Nope, just leaned on it. Breaking it's your job. Seriously, what is it we're going to DO?"

"Promise you won't laugh." Rick asked.

"Fuck, no!" Snarked Morty.

"Shit, I'm laughing already" Said Summer, laughing.

"It's something I hate." Rick evaded.

"What, work? Politeness? Answering simple questions?" Morty was getting snarkier.

"Magic." Rick stated, flatly. 

"MAGIC?!" both Morty and Summer.

"Don't stare at me popeyed like that! You both know magic exists, you've seen me fix it! Summer, you used to work for the Devil for fuck's sake! We're going to Fordsy's dimension to get unicorn hair."

Summer was not happy. "Wait, I know I'm not much of a girly girl, but I'm not sure I'm behind killing a UNICORN! I've already killed a fluffy little lamb ballerina! Okay, granted, Tinkles was a parasite, but damn it, it FELT real! Oh, fuck, I'm not a virgin, does that matter?"

"Can't imagine why it would, sweetie. Who said anything about killing? We knock one out, grab some hair, we're out! Surgical strike! In and out! Twen-"

"DON'T SAY IT, RICK! Last time you said something like that it took six days and we almost got killed! Aw, jeez, this is going to turn into some kind of clusterfuck, I just know it!"

"Jeez, mellow out, Morty! It's an ADVENTURE! Everyone ready? Then, AWAY WE GO!" Rick pulled out his portal gun and opened up a portal. They all stepped through the familiar green and white disk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Rick and Morty, forth wall breaks are inevitable. Why not go meta with it? Almost all music mentioned in this is real, much of it will be canon. My personal headcanon is that Rick listens to all music (he knows the sax part of "Baker Street" for instance) but has a soft spot for hip-hop, alternative and old punk and New Wave. (Write what you know, right?) If you don't know Grandmaster Flash/Melle Mel's "White Lines" by all means check it out. If you've heard any hip-hop in the last thirty years you'll recognize the Bass line. Coil is a little more obscure, kind of proto-industrial. "Blood From the Air" has a line I've kept in the back of my head for thirty-odd years, 'death is my friend, he's promised me a quick end'. Neither song is exactly suitable for a seven year old.


	5. Gift Shop Greetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The twins get reacquainted with Grunkle Stan. Northwest family traditions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Pines family history. How's Pacifica doing? Waxing poetic about the shack and tourist traps in general.

Dipper's train of thought was interrupted by Mabel loudly declaring "I still wanna see my Grunkles!" She grabbed them both by the hands and proceeded to pull them into the Shack. The room she dragged them into was a monument to kitsch, a gift shop full of T-shirts, hats, sunglasses, belts, buckles and cowboy boots. Toys, games, puzzles, posters, singing salmon, yogurt covered nuts and jerky. Jackalopes, Fiji mermaids and other examples of the taxidermist's art abounded. In many ways it was redolant of every tacky tourist trap west of say, Abilene. In other ways it was it's own place, unique, sui generis, one of a kind. It had cedar planks for roasting salmon and cookbooks to teach you how. You could rent a rod and waders to go to Gravity Falls lake and catch your own (where you could rent, even buy tackle for so much less. So, so much less. C'est la vie). Glass fronted counters held buttons, bows, bangles, baubles and beads. Even bongs. Costume jewelry and cutlery. Diamondeque and cubic zirconia. Geodes and geodesic domes. Rare unguents and perfumes. Tiny representations of local landmarks. Gravity Falls falls and the railroad bridge over the canyon laser etched in crystal. Aardvark's ear and zebra's tail (Perfect for swatting those annoying tsetse flies, never mind that none exist in this hemisphere). Everything from A to Z is available at the Mystery Shack.

Mabel was confronting a zaftig ash-blonde behind one of the counters. She was wearing an olive colored t-shirt emblazoned with a question mark and and matching ball cap and khaki cargo shorts.

"Meeeeellooodeeee, c'mon! WHERE IS EVERYBODY?!"

Melody, the ash-blonde responded. "Mabel, I've told you! Soos is finishing a tour, Stan was showering and changing clothes to celebrate your guys' return and Ford...well, God knows what Ford is doing. You'll just have to be patient, hon."

"I DON'T DO patient, girl! C'mon, c'mon, C'MON!!" Mabel huffed.

"She really doesn't, Mel. You'll have to be patient for both of you." Dipper explained.

A door labeled Employees Only opened and a man appeared. He looked to be in his late 50's or early 60's, built like a professional wrestler gone to seed, with permanent five o'clock shadow, wearing a maroon fez bearing the mark of the brotherhood of the Holy Mackerel, a black suit with a string tie and black framed glasses. He opened his arms and yelled "KIDS!" Which nearly got him tackled by the twins.

" Grunkle Stan!" They both called as they hugged him. They held it for a good minute, wreathed in smiles and then broke.

Mabel, grinning like a maniac said, "Did you miss us?! 'Course you did, who wouldn't?! Mabel Pines, genuine teenage heartbreaker here! How do we look?!"

"I dunno, lemme look at ya! Um-hmm, um-hmm, certified heartbreaker alright! I oughta know! Look at them pearly whites! Dipper, what happened to your noodle arms? Still chopping wood? You're taller and more filled out, both of ya! Lookin' good!"

Dipper said "Grunkle Stan, I'm a little surprised you and Ford are here! I thought your summers would be taken up by your Arctic expeditions."

"You know how Poindexter gets when he has a bee in his bonnet! No regard for things like seasons, weather conditions, or general safety. We left a week after you did, Ford managed to get another grant. We found his anomaly, though! Turns out it was a giant baby, frozen in an iceberg. Ford says that it's from some other dimension, has some serious time voodoo."

"Time Baby!" Exclaimed both Dipper and Mabel.

"You know it? Why am I not surprised? We rented some helicopters, those big Sikorsky jobs and managed to get it refrozen, deep in the Arctic icecap. Sixer thinks it should keep about a thousand years, even with global warming. I got to punch a giant squid in the face, that was fun. Seriously, kids, you look good! Fit! What've you been doing?" 

"I went out for track, after spending last summer running away from, well, everything, I thought I might be good. Turns out I can outrun most of central California. I also kept up the manotaur regimen." Dipper answered.

"Aww, Grunkle Stan! We're both taking Krav Maga! I can kill a man EIGHTY-SEVEN WAYS!"

"Ya can only use one at a time, pumpkin. What, boxing ain't good enough for ya? Left jab, left jab, right hook!" Stan demonstrated while saying it. "No, you gotta learn new-fangled Israeli nonsense! Ya joining Mossad? I don't suggest it, Isaac and Ismael, never get involved in a fight between brothers."

Dipper laughed. "Grunkle Stan! We're PINES! Fighting siblings are what the family's all about!"

Stan laughed as well. "Ya got me there, kiddo! Ya got me there! So, what, Izzy decide he's a Jew? 

"No, mom's on a culture kick. That means San Francisco. And THAT means going through Oakland. She decided we should learn self defense. I like it though, I wouldn't hesitate to attack a giant robot now!" Dipper explained.

"You didn't LAST time, ya knucklehead! So, the shiksa chose Krav Maga? Oy, the goyim."

Wendy whispered to Melody, "Any idea what's going on?"

"Not a clue. You?" The blonde responded.

"Beats me. I mean I've seen Stan eat enough pork to make a herd of pigs. The man practically lives on bacon. This is all a bit of a surprise."

"I hear ya whispering, Cordderoy! If it's any of your business, which it ain't, I've not been to Temple since before your dad was born. I'm a Jew but not Jewish, ya follow? That means baggage! You're Irish, right? You understand what I mean by baggage?"

"Like, whiskey and fighting? Gotcha!"

"Same idea. Different bags. We're the chosen people, Wendy. Like the Rabbi said at Auschwitz, 'Lord, just once, can't you choose someone else?'"

"That's kinda sad, boss."

"You bet! You know the story of the four rabbi's? Have your dad tell you, Dan tells it better than I do, no one tells a funny, sad story like the Irish, and that's YOUR baggage. No offense."

"None taken Stan. I thought the jews were the comedians, though. No offense."

"Nice one, Cordderoy! That's why I'm glad Soos keeps you around! You push back!"

"I'm a flippin' Cordderoy, it's what we do! Dad says God created whiskey so the Irish and Scotch don't take over the world."

"Didn't stop the Scots, they just did it for England. Enough culture and religion, the kids are back! What's new with you guys?"

Mabel laughed. "Sorry, Grunkle Stan, we're back to religion! Since that lovely Seder at Nonna's, Dipper and I got MITZVAH'D! We read and speak HEBREW now! Barach Adonai hamsandwich!"

"Yeah, yeah. Barach Adonai ham' vorach l'o lahm va-ed. Your Hebrew is worse than mine."

"Then I did my Aliyah!"

"Honey, you're a girl. You READ?"

"It's a reform Temple, Grunkle Stan" Dipper put in.

"How reform? Christian?"

"Well, the Rabbi is a Korean woman."

"Oy, Gevalt! Go on."

Mabel was grinning again. "And when we finished I left by... GRAPPLING HOOK!!" She demonstrated, pulling herself to the rafters, knocking over a carousel of postcards in the process. She rappelled back to earth and retracted the hook.

"I'll bet the Rabbi just LOVED that!" Stan laughed.

"Y'know, I don't think she did!" Mabel laughed as well.

Stan almost purred. "So! You're both adults now, under the Law, Bar Mitzvah, Dipper can join the Minyan, you're responsible for your actions, seven generations of fire and famine, yada yada yada, right?"

"Yes, Grunkle Stan." The twins agreed, not sure where this was heading.

"Soooo......MABEL RUTH PINES!!" Stan thundered. "WHAT ARE YOU WEARING UNDER THAT SKIRT?!"

"Busted..." Said Wendy, quietly from behind the counter.

Oops, thought Mabel. Shouldn't use the grappling hook when I'm going commando. Better face up to it. "Umm... shoes and socks, Grunkle Stan?" She looked down at said shoes and chose that moment to seriously study them.

"I see! Ms. Pines, when my baby sister, your nonna Shermaine turned up at my door, THIS door, pregnant with your father Isaac, how old was she?"

"Umm... Fourteen, Grunkle Stan." Gosh, these shoes are fascinating!

"I see! Ms. Pines, why is your father's name Isaac PINES, and not Chapman-Pines like his twin sisters, your aunts?"

"Umm... because she had him out of wedlock and... and wasn't sure who the father was, Grunkle Stan." Absolutely fascinating!

"I see! Ms. Pines, if you were to go out tonight, say, and get YOUR stupid ass knocked up, how old would YOU be when the baby came to term?"

"Umm... Fourteen, Grunkle Stan." Can't seem to take my eyes off them!

"I see! Ms. Pines, is history going to repeat itself? Because, frankly, I'm getting too old for this shit!"

"Umm...no, Grunkle Stan?" She risked a peek, under her hair. Stan was glowering at her, arms folded. Back to those wonderful, fascinating shoes!

"I see! Why is that, Ms. Pines?"

"Umm... B-because I'm an adult and I'm responsible for my actions?" Maybe they could use a shine.

"Good answer, Ms. Pines! Mabel, sweetie, look at me." Mabel looked up to see Stan smiling at her. "I'm not mad, pumpkin. God knows I've been on this ride before. Be careful is all I'm asking. If I could have had this talk with Shermie maybe everything would be different. Of course we wouldn't have Izzy, so I wouldn't have you and Dipper, and the world would have ended or Ford would still be lost. Or the world would have ended AND Ford would still be lost! I wouldn't change a thing though. This nonsense allowed me to connect with my baby sister, even if I had to do it at my own funeral! So I had to be Stanford for thirty years, that's okay. Stanley was kind of a boogeyman to Shermie, made dad shout and mom cry. So maybe Grunkle Stan is full of shit! At least now I can curse in front of you, because if you're old enough to be running around with your snatch hanging out, you're old enough to hear me curse about it." He laughed.

"You're really not mad?!"

"How could I be? I'm not even surprised! You're a Pines! Which means you're stupid, willful, stubborn and proud. And horny as a goat! You know about this, Dipper?"

"Yes. It's Mabel. Might as well try to keep the wind from blowing." Dipper answered, rolling his eyes.

"How about you Dipper? You going to be any trouble? You kiss any pretty girls lately?"

"I kissed a pretty girl just today!"

"Really? Your sister? Some stranger on the bus? Wendy? If it's one, I don't wanna know, if it's two, good for you, boy, if it's three.... Cordderoy?"

"Yeah, it was me, boss. It was exactly the right thing to do, it was very sweet."

"Lord, such trials in my old age! Wendy, don't seduce my family, okay?"

"Absolutely not, Stan! Um, is it ok if they seduce ME?"

Stan appealed to the heavens. "Why me, Lord? Never bet against a Pines, I always say. Shermie, Izzy, Tesla, Merms, and now Polaris and Dipper! Look at the bright side, Stan, it's Gravity Falls, it coulda been woodpeckers!"

Dipper interrupted. "Um, Grunkle Stan? Before you get carried away with this, where's Grunkle Ford? Wendy has something kind of important to show you both."

"DIPPER!! NO!!" Wendy cried.

"Wendy, trust me. It'll be alright." Dipper made a fist. "Grunkle Stan, show her yours."

"The Cipher scar? We got those when he died! Sixer thinks it was any residual energy draining away. It's right where the blue flames were." Stan pulled up his right sleeves and made a fist. A tiny Bill Cipher appeared, just like Dipper's.

"Wendy?" Asked Dipper, gently.

"Do I hafta?" Wendy asked, tears welling up in her eyes.

"I think so, yes." Dipper replied.

Wendy made a fist. The triangle and curves reappeared.

"Well." Stan said. "That's... something. CORDDEROY! IS HE BACK?! HAVE YOU MADE SOME SORT OF DEAL?!"

"GOD DAMNIT, NO! I! HAVE! NOT! MADE! A! FUCKING! DEAL! WITH! FUCKING! BILL! CIPHER!" The tears were flowing down her cheeks now. "I... I... you, you know how Dipper and me traded hats? Abo-about a week ago I started having dreams, dreams where this voice says 'Icebag! What are you doing with Pine Tree? Sure you w-want to switch around? BECAUSE THE PINES' BELONG TO ME!' And and then THIS started, one line at a time! I, I got Dipper to swap back. I didn't tell you or Dr. Pines because I was scared! I NEED this place, Mr. Pines! I didn't want to be sent away, I need you and Dr. Pines and Soos and Melody and the marks to feel human. But now I'm a monster and you'll send me away and dad'll send me to my cousin's logging camp and I'll never be able to come back and and and..." Wendy Cordderoy sat on the floor, among the spilled postcards, wrapped her arms around her long legs and wept silently into her own thighs. 

Stan knelt beside the girl and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Wendy? It's ok, child, we'll figure it out. No one is sending anyone away. I've known Manley Dan a lot longer than you have, Wendy. He blusters, but he'd never send you away. Dipper, how do we figure it out?"

"I was thinking, maybe, it's because she was part of the Zodiac?"

"Easy enough to check! Mabel! Ms. Pines! Wrists, now!" Stan said. Dipper facepalmed. Mabel! She was there the whole time!

Mabel stood before her Great Uncle and made fists, wrists up. Nothing. No scars. Well, not NO scars, obviously. She'd been tied down by gnomes, fought innumerable cats, blown up a TV, stabbed by minigolf pencils, and burned herself with a glue gun more times than she could count. Between arts and crafts accidents and self Bezazzleings she had a thin layer of glitter permanently embedded in her skin. There were no Cipher scars on her wrists.

"Ok, Mabel's clear. Lessee, the Gleeful's skipped town, what about that Valentine, Valentino douchebag?"

Wendy pulled her head up. "Robbie doesn't have one. He'd think it was COOL, and show, like, EVERYBODY!"

"Alright." Stan continued."What about the Northwest brat?"

"I dunno, Mr. Pines. Pacifica's, like, kinda fallen off the face of the Earth. No one hardly sees her anymore."

 

____________________________________________

 

In a darkened room in a large house (but not a mansion) across town, millionaire Preston Northwest sat in a leather wing chair, smoking a cigar (Cuban, naturally). Before him, under a tapestry depicting people bowing to Bill Cipher while the world burns, a blonde thirteen year old girl was tied down, naked. His daughter, Pacifica. He rang a small brass bell. Dingle, dingle, dingle.

"Pacifica Elyse Northwest. You will obey me!"

"Yes, father. If it's the right thing to do."

"NO! No qualifiers!" Dingle, dingle, dingle. "Pacifica Elyse Northwest. You WILL obey me!"

"Yes, father. IF it's the right thing to do."

"NO!" Dingle, dingle, dingle. "Pacifica Elyse Northwest, you will OBEY me!"

"Yes father. If it's the RIGHT thing to do."

"NO, NO, NO!" Dingle, dingle, dingle. "Pacifica Elyse Northwest, you will obey ME!"

"Yes, FATHER! If it's the right thing to DO!"

"DAMN YOUR STUBBORNNESS!!"

A sizzling sound. The smell of cooking bacon....

Upstairs, Priscilla Northwest was watching 'The Real Housewives of Waxahatchie". Priscilla was a simple girl from Prosper Texas, just north of Dallas. She thought it was a good thing Preston and Pacifica were spending so much time together. A little father daughter bonding would set the girl straight. She remembered when Pacifica was little, just a tiny thing, really, she and Preston would spend just hours and hours together. And when she was six she was just the most delightful, obedient little girl. Like me, after mamma finally got me to understand pageants. Poor Pacifica hasn't been quite right ever since that ghost thing last summer. Oh, well, Preston will sort it out, he always does.

Somewhere underneath, in the deep dark abyss of the soul, where it's always three o'clock in the morning, was a Priscilla Northwest who had wanted to be an astronaut instead of a beauty pageant girl. Who wondered why Priscilla Northwest had never, ever, ever done what she really wanted.

 

__________________________________________________________

 

"I don't think Soos has one, hard to tell, he hardly ever makes a fist. Ok, kiddo, you were right, it's time to bring Poindexter in on this. Melody! Is Ford in his lab?" Stan said.

"I think so, Mr. Pines. He was waiting patiently for the twins to get here, when something in his pocket beeped. He said something about anomalous readings and went through the vending machine. That was just before the twins got here." Melody answered.

"Well, THAT doesn't sound good! Kids, let's drop this mess in Ford's lap."

 

 

 

 

 

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies. So many apologies. To the author of 'The Life and Times of Shermaine Pines' for liberties taken with characters and timelines. Making Shermie even younger when she had Izzy. Sorry. To Jewish people. I am not Jewish, I know Jewish people, for a goy I'm a mensch, but still. Sorry. To Moslems for the whole Isaac Ishmael thing, it's in the book, both books, the Old Testament and the Quran, but still. Sorry. To Buddhists, Hindus and Pagans, I don't think I said anything offensive, but still. Sorry. Secular Humanists, Atheists and Agnostics, same deal. But still. Sorry. Pavlovian behavior modification requires reenforcement and Preston doesn't strike me as the 'positive reenforcement' kind of guy.


	6. A Detour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pines run into some difficulties with the Feds. Cameos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter wasn't plotted or planned, it just happened. In a previous draft, I mentioned tours to the thing in the woods. It just took off from there. There will be blood.

So Stanley Pines, con-man, grifter, criminal, hero led Dipper, Mabel and Wendy to the vending machine. He entered the code and exposed the stairway down, 

"You'll be okay alone, Mel?"

"Yeah, Mr. Pines." She glanced at the wall displaying a flock of owl clocks whose eyes flicked back and forth with every tick. Only one showed the correct time, it was moved every day in a pattern only understood by the Mystery Shack staff. "No tour bus due until 3:30, Soos is out with a 'special' tour. Should be back in about an hour."

Stan closed the door again. "Prepaid?" He asked. It might be the end of the world again, but this was MONEY!

" Yup! Certified checks right here. Legal's in the safe." Melody answered.

"How many?" Stan asked. Wendy shook her head. She always thought the' special' tours were a bad idea.

"Seven."

"Seventy K?!" Stan rubbed his hands together, a huge grin on his face.

Melody looked smug. "Nope! Dr. Pines knew two of them. Charged them Golden Eagle rates."

Stan's grin grew, if that was possible. "SEVENTY MIL- Wait, where did he say he knew them from?"

"Groom Lake."

"Groo- AREA 51?! I'LL KILL HIM!" Stan ran through the vending machine and down the stairs. The kids caught up with him at the elevator. They all headed down to Dr. Stanford Pines secret underground lab. Twelve doctors actually. Physics (theoretical and applied), mathematics, astrophysics, engineering (mechanical, electrical and civic), biology, comparative religion, medieval studies, English literature and semiotics.

The space they were in was HUGE. Some old-fashioned mainframes were still there, but most had been replaced by a modern server farm. Two pairs of open cylinders faced each other in the ceiling and floor. The dismantled remains of some mechinism were leaning against the walls in a corner. If reconstructed they would form an open circle in a triangle easily fifty feet tall. Work benches with various tools were scattered around the room. Some of the tools wouldn't have looked out of place in Rick Sanchez' garage. This was clearly the workspace of a man who thought the unthinkable and did the undoable.(Rick's own labs were even larger, taking up more space than the interior of the planet could comfortably hold, but subdivided into many rooms two of which were larger than Jupiter. They were also more... ominous, having shackles on the walls, various unearthly and unheard of weapons and bloodstains in most of the colors of the rainbow. His was a work space of a man who not only thought the unthinkable and did the undoable, he effed the ineffable.)

Stanford's lab was perfect for Stanley's shouting to echo dramatically. "POINDEXTER! YOU IDIOT! YOU ROYAL IDIOT! You sent two brainiacs, two spooks, two special forces bastards and a God-Damned trouble vulture up the hill to the thing?! With SOOS?! Soos has no idea of the meaning of 'extreme prejudice' or lethal force! But I guarantee at least four of the stooges you sent him up there with DO!! Does he at least have back up?!"

"Stanley! I see you've been appraised of our guests from the government! Kids! You made it!" He gathered both twins in a hug, saying "Relax, Stanley. I have matters well in hand. Miss Cordderoy, a pleasure! I don't often see you down here. Something amiss? You appear to have been lacrymose."

"What?" Asked Wendy, confused.

"He means you've been crying." Dipper explained.

"Don't change the subject, sixer! Why are there FEDS running around the woods with Soos? You KNOW how I feel about cops! Lord, are you TRYING to kill me today?" Stan appealed to the heavens again.

"It was an opportunity, Stanley! I've been learning from you. Golden eagle?"

"Seventy million dollars is nice, Ford, but it won't do me any good in prison! Or dead! What were you thinking?!"

"I have a, what do you call it? An ace in the hole, Stanley. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. I believe both Chutzpar and the Multibear are in the vicinity. I assure you, Stanley, there is nothing to worry about. Have a little faith. Miss Cordderoy, is your weeping something I can assist you with? Is this why you've come to see me?"

"Y-yes Dr. Pines. I've been hearing Bill Cipher's voice in my dreams, and then this happened." She made a fist and the scars appeared. "And before you ask, I have NEVER made a deal or shaken his hand! Am I possessed?"

Ford stopped studying her wrist and examined her eyes with a penlite. "You don't appear to be, my dear. Hmm. Interesting. Kids, I missed your arrival because I'm getting indications that a portal may be opening soon. However, it doesn't seem to be originating in the Nightmare Realm. If my readings are correct, we may be actually getting some assistance. Hmm. Bill Cipher re-establishing influence, the presence of our Government friends, an immenant Portal opening all occurring at or near the same time would indicate something dangerous may be about to occur. Stanley, you know my theories regarding your memories and Bill Cipher's possible return..."

"Damn it, Sixer! I'm fine! I am FINE. The Triangle is DEAD! You said so yourself!"

"A true scientist adjusts his theories to accommodate additional data, Stanley. I believe that... Oh, the elevator. Our Government friends are early!" Ford pressed a button. A voice said "Killbots on standby."

"Killbots?" Asked Dipper.

"A little trick I learned on the other side, Dipper. Nobody get too close to our guests, just in case. Get comfortable Stan, I think you'll enjoy this." Ford pulled a dead mans switch from his pocket and engaged it.

Eight people got off the elevator. Soos, two weedy types with glasses, a man in a grey suit with a briefcase, two obvious military types in t-shirts and loose fitting pants carrying pistols and two men in black suits, one with dark hair and a pistol held loosely at his side, and the other with a brown buzzcut waving his pistol and announcing "I am C.I.A. agent Hawley!" He said, waving an I.D. around."Everyone in this room is under arrest! You're wanted for questioning for information for Project Ragnarok!"

"Ragnarok?" Asked Dipper. "Are you for or against?"

"Agent Hawley?" Ford interrupted. "I have someone I'd like you to meet." Ford turned a computer monitor around which pictured a fifty-ish man with a broken nose and five o'clock shadow. He was wearing a spandex looking uniform in black and blue, with matching shoulder holsters, and a blue cap with the federal eagle emblem the Pines' were all familiar with. He had on green aviator sunglasses and was smoking a cigarette in a cigarette holder.

"Gentlemen" he said. "My name is General Hunter Gathers and I am the commander of the Office of Secret Intelligence!" The other agent and the two Navy Seals snapped to attention.

"Never heard of you!" Hawley sneered.

"Of course you haven't, Hawley you miserable worm turd! O.S.I. is need to know and you don't! Jimbo feeling his oats or did you just piss him off? Agent Smulders, Commander Smith, Lieutenant Commander Jones, my regards and apologies for what's about to happen."

"How do you know our names?" Hawley whined.

"Shut your pie-hole, you insufferable pissant! I know the face and name of every spook, spy and sixth columnist on the face of the Earth! Gentlemen, let me welcome you to... Project Ragnarok! Protocol Black, now!"

The two seals shot the two scientists in glasses and than turned their guns on each other. Smulders took out Hawley and turned to the lawyer with the briefcase. 

"One moment, Smulders! You! Department of Justice! Why the fuck did you let these assholes SIGN those fucking forms?"

"I was under duress sir. Agent Hawley had me at gunpoint. As soon as I read them I knew I was dead either way. This way I stayed alive an extra hour and got some questions answered. I thought you were a myth, sir."

"I am a myth, Justice. Smulders? Why didn't you just take the stupid asshole out before it came to this?"

"Keeping down collateral damage sir! He'd wired himself with C-4. If what I'd heard about this place was true, I knew it wouldn't work here."

"Good work Smulders! Carry on."

"Thank you, sir. A pleasure to meet you." He shot the lawyer in the face and then put a bullet in his own brain.

"A pleasure to deal with PROFESSIONALS! Sorry for the mess, Stanford. Shall I send a cleaner?"

"No, thanks anyway, Hunter. We've got this. You can't anyway, remember? Protocol Black?"

"That was a damn good agent and two seals! Jimbo's going to pay for this! Speaking of which, what did we agree on?"

"Just a factor of ten, Hunter."

"Right, so that's 700 million going from Jimbo's CIA black budget to...?"

"Half to this numbered account in the Caymans" click. "And half to THIS numbered account in Switzerland. In gold if possible." Click.

"Right, done! Very old fashioned! I like it! Stanford, are those CHILDREN there?"

"Essential personnel from operation Weirdmageddon, Hunter."

"You run a strange ship there, Stanford. A very strange ship. Gathers, out!" The screen went black.

There you go, Stanley. Problem solved, and three-quarters of a billion in the bank!"

Stan fainted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that was this dimensions versions of Agent Hawley (Holly?) from Archer and Hunter Gathers from the Venture Brothers. Not listed in the Dramatis Personnae because that would spoil the surprise. The O.S.I. has overseen the nation's security apparatus since the second American Revolution (The invisible one).


	7. The Ride of...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A happy ending for Smulders, Smith and Jones. Ford remembers the Multiverse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we're back on track.

Dipper, Mabel and Wendy all stood there in varying degrees of horror. Soos took a look at Stan, lying on the floor and said, "Dude, I am so with you!" and fainted himself.

Wendy was the first to recover. She was born in these woods and knew the law of nature, red in tooth and claw. She had some trouble reconciling kindly, fussy, staid and stuffy Dr. Pines with all of the bloodshed, but remembered that he had spent thirty years somewhere else. I suppose it wasn't all kittens and rainbows over there.

"Dude!" She said. "That was straight up BRUTAL! You just, like, KILLED those guys! Wow!"

"What? Nonsense, I never lifted a finger. You know clause 117-B calls for Protocol Black. Pity, though. Still, as Hunter said, it's a pleasure to deal with professionals."

Dipper recovered next. He recalled LAST summer, the old manotaur being eaten by Leaderaur, the suicide pact of Lefty's aliens, those discount auto warriors and the head-arm guy. He himself had killed zombies, eye-bats and yes, some gnomes. He'd lived through the END OF THE WORLD! Some federal agents deciding it was their duty to snuff it was actually pretty low on the trauma scale. He took a deep breath and looked at his sister.

Mabel was still in shock. "Dead dead all dead shot dead dead shot shot dead all dead shot dead all dead all shot dead dead all dead shot dead all dead..."

Dipper grabbed his sister by the shoulders. "Mabel! It's ok, WE'RE not dead, we've seen worse! Remember Globnar? Time Baby disintegrated that guy who went 'Woo'?"

"Dead dead disintegrated death so much death dead all dead shot dead all dead dead disintegrated dead shot dead dead all dead..."

"Whoh! Like, total BSOD, man! Let me try something! Mabel, Mabes, you're not going to let this ruin our sleepover, right? I'm counting on you, girl!" Wendy took Mabel in her arms and kissed her on the lips, hard. She added a little goose for good measure.

"Dead dea-...Why, Wendy! I didn't know you cared!" Mabel shook her head clear and returned the goose, blushing slightly.

"Damn straight, girlfriend! You cool, now?" Wendy asked.

"I think so, Wendy! Once you reminded me of what's truly important! Really, Dippenator, Globnar?! My goodness!"

"It's what worked for me! You okay, sis?"

"No, but I will be! Thanks for trying broseph! 'A' for effort, but 'F' for results! Maybe MORE bad stuff wasn't the way to go! Globnar?! For realsies?!"

"What, I should've tried making out with you?! Eww!"

"Mighta worked better! Woulda got my attention at least! Whatta ya mean 'eww'?! I'm irresistible!"

Soos was coming around. He got to his feet and looked about. "Man, what a mess! Guess I'm going to have to clean this up!" He noticed the twins. "Yay! My Mystery Twins are back! 'Sup, dawgs!" He gathered them both in a bone-crushing hug, lifting them from the ground.

"Soos! Can't breathe!" Dipper gasped.

"Oops! Sorry, dudes! Got excited! It's going to be so great having you back!"

Ford, having taken Stan's vital signs, interrupted. "Mr. Ramirez, Miss Cordderoy, I believe it would be prudent to get Stanley arranged somewhere comfortably. Poor man. The sudden windfall was just too much. I do hope that he is all right."

"Right you are Dr. Pines! Wendy, let's get him set up in his chair, maybe 'Baby Fights' will bring him around!" Soos and Wendy wrangled Stan's unconscious form into the elevator and took him upstairs.

Suddenly, Wagnerian music was heard. Three heroically proportioned women, heavily armored, F cups overflowing, appeared in midair, riding two Clydesdales and a Percheron. They spiraled down to the floor, singing arias all the way. One dismounted, consulting a clipboard.

"RIGHT!" She announced. "Ve are here for der shades uff tree heros, to take dem to Walhalla! Fox Smulders, Commander Chon Smith und Lieutenant Commander Dawid Chones FRONT UND CENTER!"

"Really Brunhilde? A SAILOR named Davy Jones? That's a little on the nose, don't you think?" One of her companions asked.

"And John Smith? How generic can you get?" The other mumbled.

"I don't vrite dis scheiss, Helga! Ve are here for der pick up, let's make mit der pick up! CHENTLEMEN, BITTE! FRONT UND CENTER!" The leader said, remounting. The ghosts of the three heros separated from their bodies and mounted postern behind the Valkyries.

Ford stepped forward. "Ladies, excuse me. Are these gentlemen even Aesirtru?"

"Zey vere uncertain in dere faith, mageling. But ODIN ALL FADDER ISS CHURE! Zey are HISS!"

"Fine, fine, good enough for me. Just didn't want any trouble with the paperwork, you understand. Last thing anyone wants is a snafu with the paperwork." Ford said.

"This is SO COOL!" Mabel gushed.

Helga winked at her. "You sing Soprano, girl? Too many Mezzos running around these days."

"No, Alto! You offering me a job?!"

"Not if you're an Alto! Sorry! Don't worry, you'll see us again. You'll ALL see us again!" The Valkyries left, Brunhilde muttering "I don't know, Yahveh chust doesn't giff a damn." as they passed through the ceiling.

"Well, that happened." Dipper said.

"It IS Gravity Falls!" Said Mabel.

"Probably my fault." Said Ford. "Shouldn't have named the damn thing 'Project Ragnarok'." Ford checked his readings again. "Well, our Valkyries weren't the portal opening I was expecting. Systems still show a portal expected. It's almost as if...no, why would HE come to Gravity Falls? If he does, do we have enough vodka?"

Dipper, seeing the clouded look on his Great Uncle's face, was concerned. "Who, Great Uncle Ford? Someone like Bill?"

"No, no, nothing like Bill. Although, in some ways this man frightens me more. I'll tell you about him. Mabel, are you familiar with the Oracle and the Axolotl?"

"I've read your journals, Grunkle Ford!" She answered.

"Wait a minute! Just today you said you don't read my 'nerd books'" Dipper complained.

"I lied!" Mabel replied, happily.

"So, anyway," continued Ford "the Oracle told me to find the smartest person in existence, to help me with my quantum destabilizer. After searching for years in many dimensions, I found myself in a bar. An alien bar on an alien world. There was a band playing."

"Oh, Grunkle Ford! We've seen 'Space Wars'! We know ALL ABOUT alien bands in alien bars!" .Mabel enthused.

"This band was a three piece. Guitar, bass and drums. Called themselves the 'Flesh Curtains'."

Mabel tittered. "Really?! The Flesh Curtains?! All girl band, I'm guessing!" She snickered again.

"Mason, Dipper I mean, what has your sister so amused?"

"Beats me, Grunkle Ford."

"I'll tell you guys when you're older! Wait 'til Candy and Grenda hear THIS! Do go on, Grunkle Ford!" Mabel was turning red from laughter.

"No, not an all girl band. The guitarist was a bird person, that's actually what we called him, BirdPerson, the drummer was some sort of cat creature. The bassist was a tall thin human with blue hair."

"Some sort of punk band, than?" Asked Dipper.

"Well, yes, actually. Now, kids, I'm going to be using some language I don't ordinarily use, just to give you an idea of what this man was like. So I sit down with a drink, the blue hair, which was clearly natural made me think he wasn't human. But when they took a break he came right over to my table and said 'hey, earthling, bit off the beaten path here aren't we? How the fuck did you get HERE? You ever meet me or someone else just like me before? No, I'm serious, unless you were born here, which you weren't or built the place, which you didn't, there is no fucking way an asshole like you could be here without my help! I know I didn't help you, so did I help you?!' so I tell him how I wound up there, the portal, Bill Cipher, Stanley, the whole story and he said he was impressed, he'd never met anyone besides himself who had built a portal and was very interested in the Quantum destabilizer. He explained that the insectoid creatures in the bar were Gromflomites and that they were in charge of the Galactic Federation which was a despotic government ruling much of the Galaxy. He, BirdPerson and Squanchy, the cat creature were in charge of a rebellion against the Galactic Federation and could use my help. In exchange they would help me procure the parts I need for my quantum destabilizer and provide me with a way home." Ford went over to his secure storage, where he kept things like infinity sided dice and dimensional rifts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What to do with the poor bastards I killed last chapter, when things completely escaped my control? Of course, send them to Valhalla! For a closer look at the first meeting between Ford and Rick Sanchez see my story "...at the Four Winds Bar" Please, let some of you be old enough to remember Blue Oyster Cult. Hey!


	8. When Worlds Collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Sanchez-Smith party arrives in Gravity Falls. Morty and Mabel get intimate. A discussion of G-word privileges.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for holding on so long anyone reading this. We finally get to what you came for, the two groups together.

Ford returned, bearing a strange artifact, a conglomeration of plastic and metal with a pistol grip and a large glass bulb. He placed it on a work bench.

"Kids, THIS is a Sanchez portal gun Mark IV! The portal I was so proud of, so afraid of? The bassist, Rick Sanchez his name was, had developed the concept into a portable, steerable version. He truly was the smartest being in existence. These were our secret weapon against the Galactic Federation, they had no idea that transdiminsional travel was possible. We would stage a guerrilla attack and, poof!, disappear to another dimension to carry out the same attack again. We finally staged a climactic battle in which we destroyed the Federation forces across several thousand dimensions, what Rick calls the 'central finite curve' and he gave me this, so I could find my way home. Unfortunately, I didn't know where here was, so I spent some time wandering. I eventually found my way back to the nightmare realm, I had Bill Cipher in my sights when my portal reactivated. You know the rest, you were here." 

Behind a row of servers a green light flashed and a strange squelching noise was heard. Also a voice.

"W-where the hell are w-we R-rick? This d-doesn't look like any forest I-Ive ever seen."

It was a very FAMILIAR voice to Dipper and Mabel. Mabel took off like a cheetah on steroids towards the voice.

"BLENDIN! BLENDIN BLENJAMIN BLANDIN! You, you STINKER! When I get my hands on you...!" There was a fleshy sound and a crack. 

"OW! I tink she broke by dose!" The familiar voice said. 

"Oops, sorry! I thought you were somebody else!" Mabel said.

There was another crack and another voice was heard, asking, "Better now, M-morty?" 

"Yeah, at least I can breathe. What the fuck, girl! I don't even know you! Why isn't anyone ever p-pleased to see us, Rick?"

"I SAID I was sorry! I really thought you were someone else! Hey! HEY! PUT ME DOWN!!"

Four people came out from behind the servers. A tall thin older man with wild blue hair in a lab coat, drinking from a silver flask, a teenage boy nursing a swollen nose, wearing a blood spattered yellow T-shirt and a strawberry blonde girl holding Mabel in a full-nelson, skillfully avoiding the kicks Mabel was attempting in her struggles.

"Morty's right, grandpa Rick. This isn't a forest. Where the hell are we?" The strawberry blonde asked.

"Right where we need to be, Summer. Hey, Fordsy, you old sonuvabitch, see you made it home. Kids, this is Stanford Pines, the buzzkill I was telling you about." The tall man explained.

"Rick Sanchez! I was just talking about you as well!" Ford said.

"You want to call off your attack gremlin, Fordsy? We're all (erp) friends here, right?" Rick replied.

"Certainly! Mabel, stop! What's gotten into you?"

"I really, REALLY thought he was someone else, Grunkle Ford! I'm sorry! Are these friends of yours?!" She stopped struggling in Summer's grasp.

"Summer, put that down! You don't know where it's been!" Summer released Mabel and Rick kneeled down to her "Shit, Glitterface, what the fuck did THEY do to you? Steal your vibrator? Fuck, you greet all new faces with b-battery?"

"Richard! Language! There are children present!" Ford exclaimed.

"Shit, asswipe, I know there are children present! TWO OF THEM ARE MY FUCKING GRANDKIDS! WHAT, AM I ON THE FUCKING DISNEY CHANNEL?! LET ME KNOW WHEN THE POOL CLEARS FOR ADULT SWIM SO I CAN TALK LIKE MY FUCKING SELF! SHIT, FORD THE LITTLE BITCH (urp) BROKE MY FUCKING GRANDSON! I'M AMAZED THAT I'M AS PATIENT AS I'VE BEEN! I NEARLY KILLED THE BITCH, FORD! Fuck it, I need a drink!" He took another swig from the flask.

Ford's eyes narrowed. "I had forgotten what you're like, Sanchez!" Suddenly, he broke out in a grin. "Come here, you old asshole! I've missed you!" The two old men embraced. 

"So, Fordsy, how you been? Ever deal with your demon problem?"

"Funny you should ask, Richard. I would appreciate your insight on the matter. How's the war going? How are BirdPerson and Squanchy?"

"Got good news and bad news there, Fordsy! You DO realize that you're the only person in the m-multiverse who calls me 'Richard', right? The war's over, I won, found a nexis and ran operation 'Trojan Horse', but BirdPerson bought the farm, Federation got him. Squanchy's (burp) MIA."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Rick. I truly am. We've got some catching up to do. Speaking of which, may I present my Grand-nephew, Dipper Pines! Mabel, my Grand-niece, I believe you've met." Ford said, gathering the twins and placing a six-fingered hand on their shoulders.

"Yeah, Glitterface is an expert on introductions. Regular Emily fucking Post. These are (erp) MY grandkids, Morty and Summer."

Mabel stepped up to Morty. "Morty was it?! I'm sorry, I really, truly thought that you were somebody else! Story of my life, I meet a cute guy and I break his nose! Kinda INTIMATE though, right?! Intense physical contact and all?! Friends?!"

Wow, thought Morty, the crazy girl's FLIRTING with me! She's kinda cute in a 'don't cross me or I'll kill you' sort of way. Seems familiar though. SHIT! She looks like a Morticia!

"I'm glad I w-wasn't him, then or it would've been w-w-w-worse. You've got one hell of a left cross! Can't say I'm PLEASED, but I'd rather be on YOUR side next time. Sure, friends." He took her hand, but she glomped onto him with a full body hug, wrapping both arms and legs around him. He reached between her shoulders and grabbed her butt to support her, accidentally slipping under her skirt and discovering a lack of underwear.

"Why, Morty! How forward of you, you rapscallion! Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just happy to meet me?! Hi-Yo!" She purred, softly in his ear.

"It's a pistol." Morty muttered.

Mabel unwrapped herself and stood back on the floor. "Cool! I LOVE making new friends!" She whirled on Summer. "And YOU, lady! I KNOW we're gonna be friends! That's quite a grip you've got! How'd you do that?! I know Krav Maga!"

Summer laughed. "Krav Maga can kiss my ass! I know Traflorkian Goom-Na-Hesh! They may be small, but those Glip-Glops can FIGHT!"

"Summer..." Warned Rick.

"Hey, I EARNED my G-word privileges, same as you! How many nights we spend in clubs dancing to Traflorkian trip-hop and trance, smoking whatever the fuck it is they smoke on Traflork?"

"Is THAT why there's six hours of Traflorkian Trance m-music on my mp3 player?" Asked Morty.

"Both our players are music caches for the WHOLE family, Dipshit! They're cloned to each other!" Retaliated Summer. 

"I wouldn't mind having every piece of m-music in the universe if I could only FIND anything!" Morty complained.

"You... have... every... piece...of..music...in... the... UNIVERSE?! I thought the karaoke machine was cool! Oh, we are going to be SUCH good friends!" Mabel was beside herself. 

"You can't behead a zombie with an mp3 player, Mabel." Dipper said.

"Sure you can, Dip-dop! You just use the earbuds!" Mabel turned to Rick. "I'm not sure about you, mister! Attack gremlin! Don't know where it's been! You're kinda RUDE, you know that?!"

"I'm VERY rude, Glitterface! You g-get used to it. Or (braap) not. I don't give a fuck."

"So, what brings you to our backwater dimension, Rick? I'm sure it isn't a social call."

"Hadn't expected to run in to you at all, Fordsy. Say, is this the room where you had your portal?"

"Yes, I dismantled it. Too dangerous. The remains are over there." Ford indicated the remnants of the portal.

"Alien tech? Golgolfincham improbility drive? You know, that's like two million years out of date? Shit, Ford, you are one lucky son of a bitch! That's seriously overpowered. You're lucky you didn't tear an interdimensional rift or something! Fuck, I'm surprised this (urp) universe is standing! And is that an old Mark IV I see over there? Well, that explains how we ended up here. Portal p-proximity. Little bulge in spacetime. Shit, I bet it was something to see when it was running through. Gravitational anomalies?"

"Wait a minute, Rick! Portal p-proximity? Does this mean there's a hole in our garage?" Morty interrupted.

"Smart kid, Rick." Ford said.

"He has his moments. 20% right, AS USUAL, M-morty! No, because that's mostly MY portal gun. Single user, see? That IS why we keep ending up on Buttworld though. A LOT of portal guns got used on Buttworld! Here there's one of my old guns, less shielding, and one big ass (buup) portal. So anyway, Ford, you had anomalies? Problems, maybe?"

"Ahem, yes, something like that. There were some... Hiccups."

"I'll bet! Anyway, we were aiming for a meadow a couple of klicks from here. Remember that security fix you told me about? You know, with the U-N-I-C-O-R-N..."

"Richard, I'm sure everyone in the room can spell!"

"I know, Fordsy. It's just so fucking embarrassing! Anyhoo, do you think it would work against (urp) Tachyon weapons?"

"I don't know. I designed it against magic. I'd want to run some field tests."

"Fair enough. You have a prototype?"

"Richard, this entire building is encased in one."

"Woo-hoo! Look at you, boy scout Pines! Is it difficult to get unicorn hair? I've got moonstones, m-mercury's no problem. I know where there's entire planets made of the stuff. Not many uni(aarp)corns on the central finite curve."

"Dr. Sanchez, unicorn hair is no probs! You just whack 'em one upside the head with a big rock and TAKE IT! They're jerks, anyway! Tell you what, I'll maybe get my squad together and me and Dipper'll take Morty and Summer on a QUEST! We'll get your unicorn hair, and you and Grunkle Ford can catch up! I wanna get to know my new friends better, anyway!" Mabel offered.

"Nice, Glitterface! Whacking 'em one upside the head with a big rock is one of my favorite moves! They any good, Ford?" Rick asked.

"They are VERY good, Richard. Personally, I would trust them through the end of the world!" Ford answered, snickering a bit.

"Alright, Glitterface, it's a deal! Couple things. There is no such person as Dr. Sanchez, school's no place for smart people, just call me m-mister. No, fuck that, I HATE being mistered! Call me Rick. Second, you've done this before?" Nod. "Than it's your command, Glitterface! You're in charge! Hear that kids, Glitterface is running the show! I won't be there to cover your asses, but Fordsy says she's good and she's experienced! It's her adventure, Morty, got that? Treat her like you would me!"

"Back talk, insubordination, random mutiny? Got it."

"Exactly! Give them the Rick and Morty experience! Good luck, Glitterface, you'll need it!"

"Rick?" Asked Mabel. "Why do you call me glitterface?"

"Gadoy-oy! Because you have glitter on your face. You also have it on your twat, I noticed while you were scuffling with Summer, I wasn't going to mention it out of respect for you and for Fordsy's sensibilities. Ford, you DO know this one is bound for the pole, right?"

"She's a free spirit, Richard. Might as well try to stop the wind from blowing."

"Fine, then! Go! I'll be here, talking with Ford."

So Morty and Summer Smith joined Dipper and Mabel Pines in the elevator, leaving behind two old men, scrounging for alcohol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the idea of Rick and Summer clubbing together, high as a kite. I would also like to apologise for the egregious Disney/adult swim joke in Rick's rant. It fit and was too good to pass up. As for lying to you about Morty and Mabel's intimacy? Well, that is how Mabel described it, even before her naked butt was groped. I'm not sure how to describe Traflorkian trip-hop and trance, but I can hear it in my head. The orb got mugged by ministry on a dark night while the mahavishnu orchestra watched. In Japanese scales.


	9. Back to the Gift Shop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The kids try to go unicorn hunting. Try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Smiths and the Pines start to realize how much they have in common. Redhead lust.

In the elevator, Summer spoke. "Dipper, it was Dipper, right? What, your parents hate you? Dipper, why'd your sister try to kill my brother?"

"It's a nickname, ok? I prefer it to my real one. I honestly don't know, he sounds a lot like this time traveler we know, but as far as I know, Mabel's on good terms with him. We got him his job back and Mabel made sure to give him nice hair." Dipper responded. 

"Time travel, huh? Grandpa Rick says that there's no problem so big and complicated that you can't make it worse by time travel. He doesn't fuck with it." Summer said.

"Yeah, that's kinda been our experience with it. Anything you do, just makes it worse. We leave it to the experts"

"Floating scrotum headed guys with lots of pointed teeth?" Summer asked.

"What? Eww, no, gross! Here, Time Baby runs the Time paradox avoidance enforcement squadron. He's supposed to be from another dimension, yours?" Dipper said

"No, where I come from time cops are like elbow skin or ballsacks." Summer responded.

The elevator opened and they started up the stairs. Dipper was thinking, wow, somebody from outside Gravity Falls we can talk about stuff with. Summer didn't think I was lying or get creeped out by time travel at all. Mabel's right, I DO want to get to know our new friends better! He noticed that Summer and Morty seemed to be as scarred up as he and Mabel. Their eyes looked haunted, just like the ones that he saw in the mirror every day. "So where are you guys from?" He asked, to be polite.

"Seattle. You have a Seattle in this dimension?" Summer answered.

"Sure! It's like Portland, but bigger. Full of coffee and hipsters."

Summer laughed. "Yeah, that's Seattle, all right! And aerospace and computer wonks!"

The light over the door showed red. Both Dipper and Mabel stopped them. "We have to wait until the light shows green for five minutes!" Mabel explained. "Otherwise, we'll scare some perfectly innocent tourists!"

"Wait, you have a multidimensional portal and you give tours?" Morty was confused. The light flashed green.

"Pffssh, that's secret! That's why we're waiting! Can't have the marks and rubes know the secrets!" Mabel dismissed.

"What kind of operation are you running here? Secret labs, full of dead bodies, don't think we didn't notice that!"

"I thought you guys were Interstellar criminals and terrorists? Doesn't your family have any secrets?"

"Well, yeah, but Rick is......OHH!" Morty was finally putting things together. 

"Yeah, our Grunkles are OOHHH, too!" Answered Mabel.

"Oh, too? Oxygen?" Joked Dipper.

The kid thinks we're criminals and terrorists, and he cracks a chemistry joke? What the fuck kind of people are these? Morty thought. He started noticing scars and the permanent bags under Dipper's eyes. Okay, the kind of people who wake up screaming in the night. Just like me and Summer.

"Summer..." Morty started.

"I know, dipshit. Why do you think we're letting THEM lead US on a fucking unicorn hunt? These people have done things we haven't dreamed of! Time travel, unicorns, fucking fairies for all I know! Don't you listen? Or are you thinking about getting your hands up Mabel's skirt again?"

"Aww, is that it, Morty?! How sweet! You just have to ask nicely, we still have a minute or two to kill!" She flipped up her skirt exposing a brown heart shaped pubic patch. "Go on, pet the pussy, it doesn't bite!"

Morty blushed a bright red. Dipper flipped his sister's skirt back down and said, "Mabel, please! You're embarrassing him. Summer, don't worry about fairies, if one bites you, just swat it." He opened the door and they stepped past the vending machine. "Mabes, before you scare these people off with your flirtzilla act, can we just talk with them? I would like to know what kind of things they get up to, and Summer at least seems interested in our stories."

"Dipper, we can't talk about those things except with people who were there! Even here in Gravity Falls! I tried with my girlfriends in Piedmont and got called a liar, Stacey said I should see a psychiatrist! No one wants to know!" Mabel said sadly.

"Morty and Summer want to know, right guys?"

"Sure, a lot of it sounds cool." Summer answered.

"It'd be nice to know SOMEBODY else goes through crazy shit." said Morty. 

"Dipper, they're from Seattle! That's almost as boring as Piedmont!"

"Yes, they're from Seattle. But how did they get here?" Asked Dipper.

"That's what I'd like to know!" Said a voice from the side of the room. Everyone turned to see a large man, wearing boxer shorts and a wife beater, fuzzy slippers that had lost their fuzz, and a maroon fez. He was holding a baseball bat.

"Who the hell is that?" Asked Morty. 

"I'm asking the questions here, kid! But I like that one! Who the hell are you?" Asked Stan Pines, recovered. "and how the hell did you get in here? I'm not saying I don't like guests, which I don't, but I sure as hell want them to come through the front door! I HATE second story men, them and their damn ladders!"

Morty saw no reason to lie. "We portaled in from another dimension."

"Right, pull the other one, it's got bells on it. Ford dismantled the portal, there were no gravity effects anyway! WAIT! HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE PORTAL?!"

Dipper and Mabel shot forward. "They're FRIENDS, Grunkle Stan! Their grandpa knows Grunkle Ford! This is Morty and Summer... Sanchez?!" Explained Mabel.

"Smith." Said both Smiths.

"Yeah, right! And I'm Stan Jones! I've already had a Smith and a Jones turn up uninvited, and they're dead in the basement! Wanna join 'em? WENDY!!" Stan shouted.

Wendy's voice was heard. "Yeah, boss?"

"WHERE'S SOOS?"

"Upstairs with Mel, counting the days take."

"No, that's important! GOT YOUR HATCHET?!"

"Always!"

"GET YOUR ASS IN HERE, CORDDEROY! WE GOT TROUBLE!"

The lanky teen bound into the room, hatchet in hand. She looked behind Dipper Pines and saw....Dipper Pines? No, this boy was older, taller, had a rounder head, less baby fat, almost gaunt. He was incredibly calm in the face of Stan Pines in his boxers, wielding a baseball bat and a Cordderoy with an axe. Manotaurs are cautious when faced with a Cordderoy with an axe. Hard as it is to believe he's apparently seen worse things than Stan in his underwear. She saw his girlfriend (oh, no! He has a girlfriend! Shot unbidden across her mind) and she was.... stunning! She was a tall redhead, but not lanky, not gawky. Not a redhead redhead either, no one made fun of her hair. No freckles. Boobs, she has boobs, not the b-cups I'm rocking. It was like looking into one of Stan's funhouse mirrors except instead of distorting it improves. Like him she is calm, cool, collected. I could pull a gun and she'd check her phone. The bitch is everything I want to be!

Morty saw one of his dreams leap into the room. A tall, slender, gorgeous redhead, armed. He saw the scars, the haunted eyes, the emerald, haunted eyes. Not only a redhead, but one who understands! This woman, these people, have been through hell and back and laugh about it! She might be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! 

Summer saw an intense young woman rush into the room. She has a weapon she's clearly proficient with, this woman doesn't fuck around with any bullshit martial arts, no, this bitch just kills things. Oh, fuck, she's younger than me, she's taller than me, she's built like a Goddamn fashion model, she moves better than me, she's a REAL redhead like grandpa and Morty obsess over, not some half-assed wannabe like me, she has freckles! Just enough to be fucking beautiful, a real redhead should have freckles! I have never wanted a woman more! The bitch is everything I want to be!

All of these epiphanies took less than half a second.

"Can I show you something?" Morty asked, reaching for his pocket.

"Kid, if that hand touches that pocket, you're gonna get a baseball bat upside the head and maybe an axe in the chest." Stan said.

"Fair enough." Morty replied, crossing his arms on his chest. He started humming 'Terryfolds'.

Summer decided to defuse the situation. Being Summer (and most like Rick in the family) her method was to pour gasoline on the flames. "Hey, sunshine, like what you see? Just a warning, if you don't lower that axe in about ten seconds, I'm going to take it and use it to turn that bat into kindling!" She then licked her lips and winked.

She's flirting with me! Wendy thought. I'm threatening her with an axe and the bitch is flirting with me! She is taut like a spring, she looks like a cougar about to pounce, she may be able to do what she says and she's flirting with me! Wendy lowered the axe.

Thank God! Summer thought. We were about 1/10 of a second away from someone having an axe to the chest. I'm afraid it was going to be me. That bitch is GOOD! "So Morty" she asked, to cover her nervousness, "what did you want in your pocket?"

"Portal gun."

"No way! There is no fucking way you fit a portal gun in those pants!"

"Rick threw away an old lab coat and I figured out how to attach the pocket to my favorite jeans." Morty answered smugly.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! What'd you do with the other one?"

"Still have it. Want it?"

"YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS I WANT IT! Can you put it in a purse?"

"Sure! But Summer, you don't carry a purse."

"If I can slip a MK-38 photon dishabilitor in it, I will start carrying a fucking purse! Two sweet barrels of photonic death? I'll carry a purse!"

"A nine gauge plasma pistol is adequate for most uses."

"Oh, Mr. Adequate for most uses! A nine gauge plasma pistol is underpowered and you know it! You just like it 'cause you shot Rick with one once!"

"I admit that may be a factor."

While the Smith siblings argued letters and numbers, Stan turned to Wendy. "Cordderoy, what's so interesting about pockets?'"

"Near as I can tell, boss, you can carry weapons in them."

"Naw, that can't be right. I KNOW weapons, none of this sounds right."

"Stan, I don't think these guys are from around here. All I know is that I've had bears back off when I raise my axe. I've never had one flirt with me. I would rather take on Ghost Eyes again than face off with this Summer chick. I don't think dad could scare these two. The twins seem to trust them, loosen up, old man!"

"Yeah! You're just being poopheads! Grunkle Stan, we told you, these are our friends! They don't need Grunkle Ford's portal, they carry their own! We're supposed to be helping them get unicorn hair! Morty just wanted to show you how they got here!" Mabel was adamant.

"Fine, you win! Might as well try to keep the wind from blowing! Ok, kid, I'll bite. What's in your pocket?" Stan asked.

"We're through playing chicken? I just wanted to show you my portal gun." Morty said, breaking off an argument about the relative merits of the P-780 particle ray (Rick's go-to pistol).

"I'll say this for ya, kid. Ya got balls!" Stan said.

Summer laughed. "That's not all! Showing a little chub there, bro! I get it, the redhead's HOT! Or are you thinking about Mabel?" 

"SUMMER!" Morty blushed bright red again.

"Lord, you ARE trying to kill me today! First, my beloved, innocent niece, flashing her goodies around! Then seven feds, seven dead feds! Most of a billion dollars, thank you for that one, but my heart nearly stopped! And now an oversexed housebreaking potty mouth pimping her brother to every woman in sight! Do I deserve this, Lord?" Stan beseeched the heavens again.

Morty pulled a sleek plastic device from a pocket it absolutely would not fit into. Smaller than the one Ford had, even sleeker than Rick's.

"Nice trick, kid. But I've seen every magician on the strip."

"Morty, that's not grandpa Rick's. Where did you get that?" Summer was curious.

"Built it. The hard part is getting the fluid right. Shh. Rick doesn't know."

"You built your OWN?! You gotta tell him, he'll be so proud! Or, he'll kill you."

"Yeah, you see my dilemma."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Morty's been learning, and it's six months or a year later. Summer's a chip off the old misanthropic, sociopathic block. Squeeze my terryfolds. Summer and Wendy ARE a funhouse mirror.


	10. "I've raised an Evil M-morty"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick reminisces. Ford reminisces. Plans are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> System kept crashing, I lost this three times. I think this is the best version I have. THE UNIVERSE IS MY EDITOR! Oh, and this chapter is one of the reasons I wanted to write this.

Rick sat down at a wooden table while Ford tried to remember if he had any liquor squirreled away. "We interrupt something, Fordsy? It's just that you seem to have some dead (urp) government types lying around."

"Oh, that? No, that was just some low-level CIA field operative believing I had some information pertaining to a secret government program." Ford stated.

"And did you? Have the information, I m-mean."

"Of course! The poor fool didn't realize that I was the secret government program in question. Look! Bourbon AND vodka!" Ford joined Rick at the table, bringing the liquor and two old-fashioned glasses. "It's a shame, really. Damn good operatives on the idiot's team. As soon as it was clear that they had actually RAIDED Project Ragnarok, they did the job themselves. I feel certain that James Verhoeven, director of the CIA, sent him here intentionally. Probably thought he'd try something solo, he seemed like the type. Whisky or vodka? I don't ordinarily drink but I'll make an exception today. It's been years since we were together."

"Don't high road me, Fordsy! We met in a fucking (braaap) bar! Vodka here, never mix b-brown liquor with clear."

"Who's high roading whom, Richard? I've seen you mix brown liquor with clear and green and Kalaxxion Crystal." Ford poured. He raised his glass of bourbon. "To absent friends!" He toasted.

"Absent friends, Ford. Wubba lubba dub dub!" Rick replied. The glasses went 'tink' and were emptied.

"Wubba lubba dub dub, indeed, Richard. So many. So, so many."

"So many more Gromflomites, Ford. We did it! We completely halted (urp) Federation expansion, started the inevitable collapse! I finished the job last year, utterly devalued the Federation currency, the Blemflark is useless now, the Flurbo's the Galactic currency of choice. Took out the entire Council of Ricks, too! THAT was gravy, a little icing on the cake. M-morty, idiot that he is, m-managed to get himself and his sister captured by the Citadel. Had to rescue them while in the middle of Operation: Trojan Horse. Both sets of enemies gone! That was a good day!" 

Glasses were emptied again.

"Why are you so hard on your grandson, Rick? He's clearly bright, he caught on to portal proximity before I did. Why put him down?" Asked Ford.

"Why are you keeping the stiffs around, Fordsy? Going to stuff them and m-mount them? Sounds like the kind of dick move I'D make!" Rick evaded.

"We simply haven't had the time to remove them yet. Actually, Rick, if you wouldn't mind...?"

"NO problem! Buttworld ok?"

"Where we used to lure Gromflomite patrols and abandon them? Perfect!"

Rick stood and pulled out his portal gun. He opened up a portal and the corpses disappeared into the void. Rick sat back down and another round went down.

"You're changing the subject, Richard. Why keep your grandson under your thumb? He grasps multidimensional theory perhaps better than I do, which galls me, I considered myself in the top three multidimensional theorists in the multiverse, behind yourselves and Mumtuket Popinphar of Zuulmon eight. He has a cheerful cynicism I find endearing. He reminds me of Mason, if Mason had more confidence and a little more whimsy." 

"Who the fuck is Mason?" 

"My grand-nephew. Dipper. Mason's his real name. He doesn't care for it for some reason." 

"What? He doesn't care for being named after a secret society that basically worshipped Bill Cipher? NOOO! THE SHAME!" 

"Point taken. Actually, he also reminds me of Mabel, if she embraced the dark. I approve, by the way. Mabel is clearly going to be sexually active soon, if she isn't already, and a relationship with your grandson would be an interesting influence on her. She could use a little cynicism."

"You're talking about the little hellbitch that attacked him on sight, right? Ford, she tried to (erp) fucking kill him! That was a perfectly placed flying kick that broke his nose! She was trying to break his neck! Morty has extensive experience in NOT DYING, Ford! She still got through! The boy is DRILLED! In fieldwork, Ford! If he knows how to handle people trying to kill him it's because he's used to p-people trying to fucking kill him!"

"You prove my point! You're PROUD of him, Rick! Why the hardass act?"

"You're not letting this go, are you?" Rick asked, taking another shot of vodka.

"We're catching up. Family is important."

"All right, asshole, you asked for it! I tried another way once! It all turned to (braap) shit! This isn't the first M-morty I've had! I go back home before Blood Ridge, back to earth dimension C-137. Diane's divorced me, because I'm never home, guerrilla raids and whatnot, so I just leave. Most intense part of the war, Blood Ridge and afterwards, I'm gone three (erp) fucking years! When I left, Beth, my daughter was sixteen. I come back, she's nineteen, m-married, has Summer already, pregnant with Morty. She married this asshole idiot who knocked her up at prom, of all the fucking cliches! Married her because 'that's what a man does'! Conventional twat! Named Jerry fucking Smith. You would not believe this twerp, Fordsy! NO discernable skills, bad luck m-magnet, once took Beth on a 'Titanic' themed cruise, the boat didn't (urp) sink, that's my current Jerry, though, I swear, the wind whispers loser when the asshole walks by! Dedicated to Beth, though. I understand, it's my fault. Beth has issues. Abandonment issues, psycho-sexual issues, alcohol issues, my poor daughter has m-more issues than National fucking Geographic! So, anyway I come back, muscle myself into the family, and take over the kids' education. Summer's like me, brilliant but lazy, Summer'll be fine, I never worry about Summer in any dimension. But, Morty! Morty's quick! Morty has potential! So I indulge the kids. Morty never gets the hang of m-multidimensional theory, (brap) can't even operate a portal gun, but he's WAY too interested in the war and Galactic Federation history. I find a book one day, a m-manifesto. I was in the army in the early sixties, volunteered so I could pick a specialty and avoid 'Nam. I have flashbacks of 'Nam, me and Frankenstein's monster, courtesy of some psychoactive parasites, but I was n-never there. Germany, communications. The Cold War. My specialty was codebreaking, ciphers. So, this book, this manifesto is all in code. Caesar, A-1, Atbash, Vigenere, you name it! Little turd even did something with Minoan Linear B. Totally arbitrary, but still! You familiar?"

"I may have some knowledge, yes." Ford responded, dryly.

"So, the book has plans that make the Galactic Federation look like a M-methodist Sunday picnic! I'm (erp) forewarned, but I don't take it seriously enough. I come back from an errand one day, and for some reason I portal straight into the living room instead of the garage. Beth is dead, Jerry's dead, Summer's dead, Diane is there, dead, I figure some enemies have found me and I get the fuck out of Dodge! I remotely access my hidden surveillance and it turns out that Morty has systematically eliminated the family! I've raised an Evil M-morty! I portal back to the garage and the little fucker is waiting for me, all bright-eyed and bushy tailed saying let's go on an adventure, Rick! So I portal us to Ranaspa seven and portal my ass out of there, leaving the fucking bastard to the tender mercies of giant flesh eating frogs. I killed my own grandson, Ford, but I had to, the motherfucker had plans to conquer the Galaxy! VIABLE plans! He may not of known shit about science, but he knew m-military strategy all too well! I probably saved the Galaxy. Again."

"I'm sorry I asked, Rick." Ford said, sympathetically.

"Yeah, m-me too! You might as well hear the rest. Believe it or not, I MISSED my family! So I find a dimension, C-119-A, where I snuffed it back on Schmor(bup)gulon prime. Remember the Federation counterattack? We all bought the farm in C-119-A. So I find Beth, convince her that I've just been missing twenty-odd years, and rejoin the family. Morty has this weird moral center, courtesy of being raised by the incredibly dull Jerry Smith. Like you say a cheerful cynicism. I accidentally destroy the world, trying to get the boy laid, and the two of us head for dimension C-139. Morty bonds with his new Summer and almost immediately fucks with squirrels! They rule the world, you know. So, now I'm stuck moving the entire fucking family to dimension C-122. After the debacle in C-119-A where I Cronenberged the world, I developed a memory gun to eliminate trauma. The Cronenberg thing nearly broke the boy. As far as the family knows the squirrel thing never happened. When his cerebral cortex settles down, say when he's 21, 22, I'll give him the option to have the memories back. But that's why I keep him down, because this way he just pops back up and he has no desire to conquer existence. MY Morty was afraid of me and plotted in secret. THIS Morty openly rebels and I love it! Two things I never (erp) teach, portal gun technology, this M-morty's stolen my portal gun several times and is getting good at using it, and N-dimensional topography. You know, I don't think my original Morty ever wondered how I always seem to have what I need in my pocket. Batman and his utility belt can lick, lick, lick my MOTHERFUCKING BALLS! I set up a test for both of them, threw away a lab coat. Original never noticed but I'm pretty sure THIS Morty took the bait! Fuck, I'm certain he's carrying a couple of pistols, a grappling hook, first aid gear, I THINK a portal gun! If he built it himself I'll retire and let him run the show! We're getting old, Fordsy! Oh, and about 30 condoms! Dreamer! Wishful thinking, kid! I hate to admit it but it's probably his dad's influence. So what the fuck have YOU been doing?! You ever see that 'dream demon', what's his name, Bill Cipher again? If you did, did the Quantum destabilizer work? They were hella useful on Glapflap's third moon! Between them and Neutrino bombs we mowed right through the Gromflomites! Remember BirdPerson? I figure he got nearly a billion on his own! Truly BirdPerson's big day!"

"Yes, we saw him again. You were right, Richard, my portal did cause an interdimensional rift. I thought I had it contained but something happened. I never got the chance to see if the Quantum destabilizer worked. I took one shot but I was distracted and only wounded him, in the hat."

So Ford told Rick all about Weirdmageddon, they had digressions regarding the merits of 'We'll Meet Again' as a piece of music, 'Dr. Strangelove', Kubrick movies in general, how stone or solid gold people could maintain consciousness and achieve sensory input (conducted mostly via math on whiteboards, lots of Sigmas and Lambdas). Ford explained the zodiac, the failure of the zodiac due to sibling intransigence, and eliminating Bill by memory ray.

"Well, shit, Fordsy, we're both just Ace's at this family bullshit, aren't we? Let me get this straight, you burned out your brother Stanley's ENTIRE MEMORY to eliminate Bill Cipher, right? Little extreme, don't you think? Kind of like burning down the house to get rid of rats? Sure, it gets rid of the rats but it also gets rid of the house! Why the fuck didn't you just enter Bill Cipher (urp) into the memory gun? But since your brother got most of his memory back you're worried. Not to belabor a m-metaphor but you think some rats hid in the foundation. Hmm, cerebellum, medulla oblongata... Fuck, Fordsy it's easy! You summoned the motherfucker in the first place, right? Well, fetch your Quantum destabilizer and conjure him up again! Between the two of us we can handle this! You think this is my first Eldritch Abomination? Summer tried to keep a Cthulhu as a PET! If you're wrong, nothing happens! If you're right, we get to kick some Eldritch ass! Let's go get your brother!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, Rick's pockets. Also discussed last chapter. Rick's pockets may consist of at least N dimensions which may coexist with any other set of >N dimensions. If you play D,D& More D, it's a bag of holding. If you're a troper it's hammerspace (technically also where Mabel keeps her grappling hook & Wendy has her axe; for the purposes of this story it's a baggy sweater and Wendy's hair hides it). I know they're common theories, but It's MY headcanon. You don't like it, write your own! (And please leave a comment so I can read it. I love this stuff. It's going to be a long time until season 4 and season 3 will never come.) Comment anyway. Like it? Hate it? Meh? Wanna talk Kubrick? 69 people have looked at this (insert joke here).


	11. Points of Origin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morty and Summer bicker. Dipper and Mabel help. Stan and Wendy wish for popcorn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there's got to be some way of telling what dimension someone is from, right? You don't just TRUST people.

"Dilemma? I was JOKING, Morty! Grandpa Rick would never kill you, he loves you. Us. Especially mom!" Summer said.

"Yeah, in his own sick, twisted way. I-I'm n-not so sure, Summer. I adjusted Rick's sensor to identify home dimensions with a hyperaetherlink to his computer, and I get THIS!" Morty touched a fingertip to a protuberance on his portal gun and a screen displayed:

MORTIMER (Morty) E. SMITH  
DIMENSION C-119-A  
AKA 'THE ONE TRUE MORTY'  
(Note: Subject of cult activity among Morties of Morty town, Citadel of Ricks)

"So I'm NOT Morty C-137 like I always thought. So, what happened to C-137, Summer?"

"He probably died somewhere, Morty! You guys lead dangerous lives! YOU'RE Grandpa Rick's replacement for his original Morty, just like I'M YOUR replacement for your original Summer! I kinda liked Hunger Games Summer, though. Wonder what happened to her?"

Morty raised his portal gun. "I went back and unfroze them, later. They LIKE playing Omega Man in a crapsack world, Summer! They're HAPPY! Good enough for me! Not MY thing, though. I HATE the taste of Cronenberg!"

Dipper grabbed his sister's hand. "I thought OUR family was dysfunctional! Summer, does this mean Morty ISN'T your brother?"

Wendy thought to herself, ok, not boyfriend and girlfriend, but brother and sister. I don't know which one of them I'm more relieved about.

"Of course he's my brother, Dipper. He's BETTER than my brother, he's a version of my brother I can trust when he says ' don't run'. He CHOSE me, Dipper, he chose ME! Out of all of the Summers in the multiverse, he chose ME! And I love him for it!" Summer said, emphatically.

"Hey, don't get too carried away there, bee-yotch! It was still a luck of the draw thing." Morty said, smiling. 

"Fuck you too, asswipe! Which I would, in a heartbeat!" Summer smiled back.

"Ugh! Not this again! Summer, it's too weird, even for US!" Morty protested.

"So I want to fuck my best friend, is that so weird? Who else knows the bullshit we go through?"

Mabel thought to herself, so I'm NOT the only one with unnatural thoughts! I wanna fuck MY best friend, too!

Morty indicated the Pines twins. "I don't know, maybe them? Time travel, unicorns, fairies? They seem to have their own bullshit! Fuck, Dipper even kind of looks like me! Give it a rest, Summ!"

"Maybe if every man in the house quit waving their dicks in my face I could! Between you jerking it in every room in the house, Grandpa Rick never noticing that he's naked, and dad sleeping nude and sleepwalking, somebody's cock is in my face every week! Not to mention dad running around hospitals with his pants down, trying to stuff his parts in some alien dignitary's chest cavity!"

Stan turned to Wendy. "Cordderoy, are we even here?"

"I think we are, boss, but you couldn't tell it by them! Maybe if you dropped your boxers, you may be overdressed. Now, hush! I don't wanna miss anything! This is, like way better than Public Access TV!"

"Ya gotta point there, kid. Let's get comfortable." They moved to stools behind the counter.

"That was a one time thing, Summer! Jeez! Get laid why don't you! I put Ethan back for you, I think he learned his lesson." Morty was saying.

"No, I'm leaving him to Tricia Lange. Do you KNOW what that girl's into? Golden showers, docking? THAT'LL teach him a lesson! Fuck him and his tit fetish anyway! What's the deal with the 'One True Morty' bullshit?" Summer changed the subject.

"That's something a bunch of Morties started calling me when I led the revolt against Evil Rick. They had a whole religion, chick tracts and everything! I guess some of them wound up on the Citadel. Not that that place will have any bearing on our lives ever again." Morty replied.

"That the Mortydome you told me about? Brrr! Spikes to the kidneys! Evil Rick got better than he deserved!" Summer said. "Wonder what your gun says about me?" 

"Let's see." Morty said. Summer placed a fingertip on the device. The screen showed:

SUMMER (Summ-Summ) E. SMITH  
DIMENSION C-139  
(Note: Miscarried infant of Hemorrhage Bonecrusher)

"Wow, how does it know? I wasn't sure! Just as well, turns out that I married my father. There's got to be something between dad and grandpa. Fuck it! Maybe I'll try women!"" She winked at Wendy again.

"Probably wasn't viable anyway. The Deathstalkers lived in a LOT of radiation. Good idea, Summer C-1239 is as happy as a clam. A bearded clam!" Morty laughed. 

Mabel tittered again.

"Oh, boo! Shitty joke, Morty!" Summer said. "She's the lesbian, from where mom can't drink, right?"

"Is a bearded clam anything like a flesh curtain?" Dipper asked his sister.

"They're almost EXACTLY the same! Let's say flesh curtains are PART of a bearded clam!" Mabel answered, chuckling again.

Summer was continuing. "Besides, my clam isn't bearded! I keep my parts smooooth, booooiii!" Summer flashed some fake gang signs and did a little pirouette.

"Oh, I get it! It's a vagina!" Dipper exclaimed. Mabel beamed, Wendy facepalmed and Stan pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. "What's your gaydar say about Summer, Mabes?" Dipper added. He liked Summer, she treated him as an equal.

"That girl'll do anything! Men, women, boys, girls, her own brother, small draft animals, and medium power tools! She literally has no shame!" 

Summer heard her. "Guess we have something in common, Glitterface! I'm betting unicorns aren't the only thing you know more about than I do! Speaking of which, aren't we supposed to be on a quest? You're the boss, Glitterface! What do we do?"

"Right, Summ-Summ! That's adorable, but I think I can do better! Got it! Summer Shower! Morty, Mort, Mor-than-meets-the-eye, can I try your doo-hickey-ma-bob?! Then we'll go!"

"Sure, Mabel, but it'll probably just show where you're from." Morty indicated where to touch and Mabel pressed her finger in place. 

There was a slight vibration in the floor. "Oh, shit!" Morty said. "The elevator! Rick's coming!" He put his portal gun back in his pocket. "Do me a favor, everyone! Don't mention that I have a portal gun! I don't want R-R-R-Rick to know, y-yet! Oh, shit, oh shit, oh SHIT!"

Stan and Wendy looked at each other. Whatever was coming up in that elevator scared the boy a hell of a lot more than they did. Which was odd, because as near as they could tell, it was the boy's own grandfather. Whom he had shot, once. It had been a very confusing day.

It would have been even more confusing if anyone had seen the screen on the portal gun:

 

MABEL R. PINES  
DIMENSION 46'\  
AKA 'GLITTERFACE' AKA 'POLARIS' AKA 'SHOOTING STAR'  
(Note: Morphological variant of Morticia E. Smith common to the 46 Branch [outlier])  
(Note: Object of interest to extra-dimensional entity BILL CIPHER AKA 'ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED' AKA 'LATI')  
WARNING!! BILL CIPHER IS ELDRITCH ABOMINATION GRADE II WARNING!!  
DANGER!! DANGER!! DANGER!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had very little to do with this chapter, it wrote itself. Again I can almost hear the characters voices, except when Summer declares her love. Is Smithcest a thing?


	12. Illuminati Confirmed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans come to fruition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rick simplifies magic. Everybody's favorite triangular antagonist appears. Nuptia 6.

The vending machine slowly pivoted open and there stood Ford and Rick. Ford in his long tan duster, black turtleneck, pants tucked in boots, with the Quantum destabilizer strapped across his back. Rick taking a drink from his flask, which he had refilled from Ford's vodka. Both with the slightly glazed look of a man who has had just enough alcohol that every idea sounds like a good idea. Rick tends to live in this state, Ford not so much.

"Kids? What are you still doing here?" Ford asked.

"We were just leaving, Great-Uncle Ford!" Dipper responded. "Grunkle Stan was surprised by the Smiths, it took awhile to talk him around."

Ford saw Stan and Wendy behind the counter, Stan still toying with the baseball bat, Wendy's axe loosely tucked into her belt. "Oh, for pity's sake, Stanley! Put the bat down! These people are my guests!" 

Stan and Rick were eyeing one another like a bear and a mountain lion. Both recognize the other as a danger, neither wants a confrontation, both respect the other, neither trusts the other. Synapses were firing, but both men had had their memories erased. Recognition did not occur. Not yet.

Rick turned back to Ford. "This is a GOOD (urp) thing, General. Reenforcements. The k-kids can help!"

"I'm not sure how I feel about that, Richard." Ford answered.

"Hey, you said Glitterface fucked him up with a can of paint! You're no fuckin' fun, Fordsy! M-morty! Summer! Wanna take on an Eldritch Abomin(braaap)ation?"

"I kn-kn-knew it!" Morty muttered. "Total clusterfuck!"

"Don't be that way, M-morty! You're almost as big a buzzkill as Fordsy! Hey, big guy! You must be Stan! Fordsy seems to think you're not alone in your head. Don't worry, I'm Mr. Fuckin' Fix-it! Red, I understand that you're the catalyst behind this bullshit! We're taking care of you too!" Rick was rubbing his hands together. This was going to be fun!

"What the hell, Stanford! Who IS this asshole?" Stan growled. 

"Old acquaintance from the other side, Stanley. Remember how I told you I took up with criminals and terrorists? Meet the leader!"

"You're too kind, Fordsy! Ok, b-big guy, we're going to get you in a comfortable chair and have a fucking seance! If Ford's wrong, if WE'RE wrong, no harm, no foul! But if we're right, you are (erp) going to be a m-much happier sour-ass son of a bitch!" 

Rick and Ford essentially dragged Stan to his chair in the living room. "Fordsy, you're up! How do we conjure the bastard?" 

"Dipper! Get the copy of Journal 2! THIS is why the bottomless pit kept spitting them back out!" 

Dipper ran to the bookcases for Journal 2 while Ford gathered candles, crystals and other accoutrements of Magic. Rick interrupted him. "Fordsy, do we actually NEED all this bullshit? This is why I don't fool with (urp) magic, it's so labor intensive! Lemme see that book!" He grabbed the book, open to the pertinent pages from Dipper.

"All due respect, Richard, but what do you know about magic?" Ford asked.

"Nothing. Not a God-Damned thing. I treasure my ignorance. AHA! But I'm right! This is MATH, Fordsy! It's a fucking equation! And like any equation written by a fucking poet it can be simplified! Let's see need a circle..." He reached into a pocket and pulled out a piece of chalk. "No, this won't do, don't w-want to go to Froopyland. Anyone have any chalk?"

Mabel handed him a piece. Mabel always had art supplies.

"Thank you, Glitterface!" Rick drew a perfect circle around Stan's chair. He pulled a bazooka looking weapon from his pocket and handed it to Summer. "Here you go, Summ-Summ! An MK-38 photon (brap) dishabilitor. Your favorite! Morty! Get that useless pop-gun of a nine gauge out of your pocket! Yes, I know! What am I, blind AND stupid?" 

"Aw, jeez, Rick" Morty said, pulling a sleek, blue pistol from his pocket.

Well, whatta ya know? Thought Mabel, it really WAS a pistol!

"Want yours armed, General? No p-problem." Rick asked.

"It's up to them, Colonel. Kids! Would you like Mr. Sanchez to arm you?"

Mabel was ecstatic. "A futuristic sci-fi laser of MY VERY OWN?! Yes, please!" She was handed a larger, lumpier gun than Morty had, all greys and oranges. Dipper took one too.

"How 'bout you, Red? Want something a little less Iron (urp) Age?" Rick asked Wendy, who had axe in hand again.

"Sure thing, old man! Do you have something a little less science-fiction-y?"

"Suit yourself, Red! Here you go, Sig Sauer nine millimeter. About as useful as your fucking axe." He tossed her the pistol. "General, SIR! Troops armed, SIR!" Rick barked.

"Stand down, Colonel! Richard, do you think it's possible you're having too much fun?" Ford grinned.

"Too much fun is not a concept I am able to process, SIR!" Rick grinned right back.

"You people are all insane!" Stan said from his seat. "Sixer, I tell you, I am FINE!"

"Then it won't do any harm Stanley. Our guests are enjoying themselves! Look at Summer!"

Wendy certainly was. Summer was on one knee, in the classic bazookaman's pose, weapon easily balanced, ready to be brought to her shoulder in one elegant motion. Morty stood, knees slightly bent, on the balls of his feet, right arm crossing his chest, pistol ready. I thought I was badass, these people LIVE for this! They both displayed the same preternatural calm she had noticed earlier, except Summer had a slasher smile playing on her face. Are we REALLY going to try to summon the triangle of terror?

Ford continued. "As Rick said we are going to be holding a seance. We are trying to summon Bill Cipher. It is probable that nothing will happen. This is actually the desired outcome, Stanley will be able to laugh at us scientific types making fools of ourselves, we'll all go on with our lives. If, however, he appears be ready to fire on my mark! Richard, Smiths, he is charming, cunning and dangerous! Do not make an agreement with him! Do NOT, under ANY circumstances shake his hand! Richard, you say you have streamlined the process?"

"Sure thing, Fordsy! No candles, no crystals, no Latin 'Triangulem' bullshit! Two pieces of wood and a fresh egg. No fresh egg? Ten CC's of mouse blood. No mouse blood? Three drops of human it is!" Rick pulled a pin from somewhere, pricked his finger and squoze three drops of blood in the circle. "Egassem sdrawkcab, egassem sdrawkcab, EGASSEM SDRAWKCAB!"

A shimmer appeared behind Stan's head. A figure slowly grew, wavery, pixelly, like a satellite TV picture in a heavy rainstorm. A yellow triangle, holes in the image, fluctuating, an eye opened and a voice was heard. It was a familiar voice to most in the room, wheedling, fawning, booming, growling. The voice of legion.

"AXOLOTL!! We had a DEEEAAALL!!! I'm not ready!! WHO SUMMONS??!!! Sixer? Pine Tree? Shooting Star? How cute!! The mortals want to PLAAAAAY!!! Icebag!! You took my advice?! TOO LATE!!!!" The Horror snapped his fingers and a complete effigy appeared on Wendy's wrist, outlined in blue flames. "Ahhahahaha!!! MINE!! MINE!!! ALLLLLL MIIIIINNEEEE!!! I'm weak, but I should be able to handle pathetic meat puppets like YOOOOUUUU! The Pines' belong to MEEEE!!! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE ZODIAC!! IT'S HILARIOUS HOW STUPID YOU ARE!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Who to destroy, who to destroy???!" A six fingered hand appeared in Bill's eye. "EENEEY!!!" A pine tree. "MEEENIE!!!" A bag of ice."MINEEY!!!" A shooting star. "YOU!!!!!"

"Ahem" Rick coughed.

"WHOEVER YOU ARE, PREPARE TO BE A STAIN ON THE FLOOR!!!!" Bill turned, his top half with the eye going counterclockwise, his lower half rebuilding itself brick by brick clockwise. "I'M GOING TO........ oh, Mr. Sanchez, sir. Didn't see you there. I'll just be leaving, right? Sorry to bother you."

Rick slid a silver box across the floor. Doors opened on its top and Bill Cipher was caught in a cone of green light.

"Don't think so, Lati. Lati, Lati, Lati, what AM I going to do with you? You know I like you, right?"

Bill Cipher seemed to nod. He also seemed to swallow, pulling at his bow tie.

"But you keep pulling this shit, Lati! You try to steal my portal gun, you fucking escape from Nuptia 6, where I got you a nice gig, you fuck with my friends, you're really starting to piss me off, Lati. What happened on Nuptia 6, anyway?" 

"Well, Mr. Sanchez, sir, as much fun as it was creating monsters from pathetic mortals perceptions of their loved ones, it got boring QUICK! You meat bags are so predictable! So I convinced those sad psychologists they didn't actually need ME to do the job, I could set them up with a simulacrum, a model me, that could do the job! They didn't need the REAL ME at all. At all, AT ALL, ATAAAALLLLLL!!!! So, so, so they let me go I limp back to the mindscape and my old buddy Sixer's there!!! He doesn't know I know, but I know, I KNOW, IKNOOOOOOOWWW!!!!! I got plans Sanchez, plans and schemes and machinations and I win!! I WON I WON I WOOOOOON!!!! But. But. BUT!!! I'M TRAPPED! I'M TRAPPED AGAIN, JUST LIKE YOU TRAPPED ME, JUST LIKE THE CIRCLES TRAPPED ME BACK HOME!!!!! I'M TRAPPED AND I'M TRICKED!!! ME, BILL CIPHER!!! TRICKED!!! BUT I'M FREE NOW. I'M FREE FROM YOU, I'M FREE FROM NUPTIA 6, I'M FREE FROM MACKEREL'S MIIINNND IIIIIII'M FREEEEEE!!! I WILL NEVER BE TRAPPED AGAIN!!!!!!"

"Nope. You won't. Ford?"

"Fire."

They opened fire. Rick had pulled a wicked looking two pronged weapon. Ford had the Quantum destabilizer. Wendy's bullets and Morty's beams are simply absorbed, the twin's beams ricochet, one sets a fire in the corner of the room, Dipper grabs a fire extinguisher from the kitchen and deals with it, Summer's bolts seem to heat him red hot but not much else. Ford's punch holes right through him, though, and where Rick's beam touches he seems to dissolve. The kids stop firing since they're not getting results. After about a minute, there is nothing left. 

"He's dead?" Ford asked.

"Of course not, Fordsy! He's pure energy, can't be destroyed. It will take him, roughly 1.8 million years to regenerate. Somebody else's problem, right?" Rick answered.

"Ford? You were right? That thing's been in my mind the whole time?" Stan asked.

"I'm sorry, Stanley. How do you feel?"

"How do I feel? HOW DO I FEEL?! I feel GREAT!!" Stan jumped to his feet. He stood, head held high. His knees buckled and he sat back down. "No, I feel tired. Very very tired." 

"Of course you do, Stanley. You've been harboring Bill Cipher for nine months. I don't even want to THINK what your dreams must've been." Ford commiserated.

"Right, sleep. Sounds good. Think I'll take a nap" he got up again. "Hey, Sanchez. You might be the biggest asshole I ever met but thanks. Thanks for this, thanks for keeping my brother safe out in the never-never, just thanks."

"Not my fault, I tried my damnedest to kill him. No problem, big guy."

Stan went up to his room. Wendy pumped her fist. 

"WOO HOO! We kick ass! Well, you old guys kick ass, but I was here! Dudes, look at your wrists!"

They did. Every Cipher scar had an addition, a circle with a slash over the whole thing. "Is that, like crazy or what, dudes? No Cipher! Not allowed! Hey, can someone please take this axe out of my skull? Anybody else gotta hella headache?"

Everyone did. "Ford, I'm fucking sober! I don't care for this at all!" Rick said, emptying his flask. He pulled out another and emptied it as well. "That's better."

"Richard, I don't believe anyone is in any condition to be seeking unicorn hair tonight. Besides it's getting late, let me take you all out for dinner, and we'll put you up for the night. Morty and Summer can stay with Dipper and Mabel and I'll set you up with something downstairs in my lab." Ford offered.

 

"YAY!! Sleepover, my first night here! Mortal Coil, Summer Shower, we're gonna have so much FUN! Wendy, Wen-Wen, you're staying too, right?! You PROMISED!" Mabel said, bouncing up and down.

"Sure, Mabes, what the hell! I'd like to get to know the Smiths better anyway."

"What do you think Rick, Hermanos Brothers?"

"Fordsy, as a Sanchez there is no fucking way I am setting foot in any joint calling itself 'Brothers Brothers'!"

"We'll find something."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoy writing Bill but it's exhausting. Have we ever seen Soos go to Hermanos Brothers? As a man who's eaten his way across Colorado, New Mexico and east Texas I'm pretty picky about my Mexican food. Can't find green chili in east Tennessee to save your life! Barbeque's good though.


	13. Fallout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill's 'death' has other effects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Birch trees and tapestries. Fourth wall shenanigans. Sneaking towards smut. (Nah, just some kissing, maybe some fumbled groping).

The seven of them headed out, in the gentle Oregon evening. It was about 5:30, plenty of daylight left. Wendy looked at her beloved forest and stopped short.

"Dudes, what's happened to the birch trees?" She asked.

"W-which ones are those?" Morty wanted to know.

"The BIRCH TREES, dude! The birches! They're, like, messed up!" Wendy said.

"I know a m-megatree when I see one, otherwise, trees are tr-trees. The p-pointy ends stick up! Jeez!"

"The BIRCH TREES! You write letters home on their bark in summer camp! You can make canoes out of 'em! Dipper, Mabel, you see it, right? Something's messing with the birch trees!" Wendy was becoming exasperated.

"Sorry, Wendy. Not all of us are seventh generation loggers. I'm with Morty, trees are trees." Dipper responded.

"Freaking flatlanders!" Wendy started pointing out different trees. "Look, you've got your pines, lodgepole, ponderosa, redwood, that's usually a coastal thing, we have 'em 'cause Gravity Falls is special, Douglas fir, that's the state tree, commonest tree in Oregon, dudes, your name is Pines! Than you've got your deciduous, leafy trees like oak, elm and maple, lots of maples here. You got larch, which is, like, halfway between pine and leafy and you got those guys! The tall ones with the white bark! The ground under 'em is clear because they, like, drip poison! Birches, dudes! Dr. Pines, YOU see it, right?"

"Absolutely, Miss Cordderoy. Both the paper birch, Betula Papyrifera, and the white birch, Betula Alba are affected. The typical nodules, commonly called eyes, appear to have been burned." Ford said.

"'Sixty degrees that come in threes, watches from within birch trees.'" Dipper intoned in a sepulchral voice.

"Bro-bro, broseph, where'd THAT come from?!" Mabel asked, concerned.

"I-I don't know, Mabel. It just came to me. I think there's more, but I don't know. I think it's something about Bill."

"The Roman Sibylline books said 'Beware the boards of beechwood with the baleful signs.' Beech and birch trees have a long relationship with the occult." Ford explained.

"Dr. Pines, beech and birch trees are nothing alike! Dudes, maybe it's connected. 'Watches from within birch trees'. I mean, he's been watching from the woods the whole time? Man, that's seriously spooky! But the eyes are burned out! I guess he's really gone." Wendy looked at the no Cipher scar on her wrist. "Can't say I'll miss him, though."

 

___________________________________________________________

 

Several minutes earlier, across town in a large house (not a mansion) Pacifica Northwest was (carefully) getting dressed. Medicinal ointments had been applied to her fresh burns. She had wearied of fighting it and finally gone along. Defiance still burned within her heart, but it was so much easier to go along. Less painful. 

"Pacifica, dear, I hope you understand this is all for your own good! As a Northwest, one of society's elites there are certain behaviors you simply MUST display! You must respect proper men, society men, men of breeding! These men expect obedience!! Such men simply do not accept back talk from women! If you want to be properly married to someone worthy, someone wealthy, someone who can run my businesses after I'm gone, you simply cannot continue this headstrong foolishness! It's not as if you can run things yourself, you're a woman! Women simply do not have the intellectual capacity to run a multinational! Scientific fact! You must marry and marry well! Dear, I only want what's best for you and the Northwest empire. We WILL be back on top again, I know it!" Preston Northwest was saying.

Behind him the tapestry depicting Bill Cipher disappeared in a flash of flame. Only wisps of smoke were left.

"PACIFICA!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" Preston Northwest shouted.

In a small voice Pacifica answered."Daddy, how could I do anything? I'm over here."

"Hmpf! Very well dear, go up to your mother, dinner soon. I still believe that ridiculous display you made in front of the Master is why he denied me my proper place at his side."

 

_____________________________________________________

 

"I might miss him a little! What?! Dip-dop, he was fun! He had style!" Mabel said.

"Glitterface, Lati was made of fun! 'a party that never ends, with a host that never dies'! Too bad the p-party involved the destruc(erp)tion of the universe. He almost convinced me." Rick broke in.

"That's r-rich, coming from you, Rick. I've seen you d-destroy two universes." Morty said.

"Seven, but who's counting, M-morty? That's different, they were MY (urp) fucking universes." Rick answered.

"One was Zeep Xanflorp's." Morty stated.

"That was a subset of mine! Arrogant asshole!"

"Rick, Rikki Tikki Tavi, you create and destroy UNIVERSES?!" Mabel asked.

"I'm a scientist, Glitterface! I invent, transform, create and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the world I change it! You like Kipling? Rikki Tikki Tavi, bitch is one of my catchphrases."

"I dunno, I never kippled! HI-YO! He's okay for a jingoistic racist! 'Run and find out' is a great motto for a scientist, huh?!"

"Got THAT right, kid!"

They had reached the Cadillac and piled in, kids in the back, Dipper, Summer, Wendy, Morty and Mabel. The two scientists in front. They drove off. Morty found that both Mabel and Wendy had a hand on his thigh. Wendy had her other hand on Summers thigh. Summer shrugged and put her arms around both Wendy and Dipper. Morty did the same with Wendy and Mabel.

"Nice car, Fordsy, yours? You never struck me as a classic car kind of guy." Rick asked.

"My brother's. He's kept it up for forty-odd years. I believe that he used to live in it." Ford said.

"I feel like I stole it once. Ford, your brother ever go by the name 'Lee'?"

"Not to my knowledge. Why?"

"Probably nothing. Fordsy, why does your great-whatever use Ed McMahon's catch phrase when she's too young to have ever seen Carson's 'Tonight Show'?"

"What did you always used to say to me, Richard? Don't think about it. Greasy's sound ok?"

"Sounds gawdawful, Fordsy, simply gawdawful. Gotta beat Dos Brothers Hermanos though. Could be worse, remember battlefield rations?"

"Prepared properly, Gromflomite is quite good. A cross between crab and lobster."

"Who had p-pots that size on the (braaap) battlefield? According to the Federation news feed, guess who's eating Gromflomite now?"

"Cannibalism? How archaic"

"Ever watch bugs in the backyard, Fordsy? Same deal."

"You ATE rational beings?" Dipper was appalled. 

"It was w-war, kid. Shit happens, don't think about it. Gromflomites (belch) ate us too. Even in peacetime. Maybe some greasy diner crap will help with this headache. They serve liquor at this joint, Fordsy?" Rick said

"Beer, wine, domestic stuff. Spudweiser, Caars, Mueller's. Anchor chain from Washington."

In the back seat some back seat stuff was happening. Morty was alternating kissing both Wendy and Mabel, whose held hands were resting on his crotch. Summer was earnestly whispering in Dipper's ear "I've never been to a sleepover before, Wendy was saying she tasted her first pussy at one when she was twelve. Guess I've been missing out. I hear you're into redheads, so are Morty and grandpa. this may be your lucky night, us girls are feeling frisky, you're gonna have to take care of me, Morty won't, damn him! Or you can help with that, if I have my way, tonight's gonna get twisted!"

Rick glanced back with a grin and a thumbs up. The Caddy pulled into Greasy's Diner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Either birch or beech trees do actually emit an antiherbal poison. Wax covered beechen boards were used in ancient Europe to write on. It's where the word 'book' comes from. That was a reference to Runawaycartoonist's 'Car Thief'. I'm really going to take liberties, sorry. Where did Mabel get HI-YO from? Carson went off the air like, seven, eight years before she was born. Don't think about it. (I didn't write any fumbled groping, it's implied, feel free to add as much as you like. I can't write sex scenes)


	14. Everybody Comes to Greasy's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some local color courtesy of some colorful local Gravity Falls locals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. This is the third time I have completed this chapter. Everytime I tried to download it, no connection and it went poof! The universe continues to be my editor. I'm starting to get a little pissed at my editor. Deus Volent, Insh'Allah, this time it takes.

Greasy's Diner was a converted railway car faced with half logs. (Well, two actually. Dining car and galley, linked by a window). It had sustained little damage during the gravitational anomalies of the previous year, despite having been completely overturned. They entered.

Two cops sat at the counter, salt and pepper. Two older men, one in suspenders wearing a straw boater hat like it was 1927 and a distinguished looking guy in a sport coat and a woodpecker on his shoulder sat opposite a little man in shorts, cowboy boots, a T-shirt made up of two shirts featuring big cats sewn together. He had a trucker's cap and his own sports coat with a sash reading Mayor across his chest. Four old women in a booth were exchanging gossip with a grey haired woman in a pink polyester waitress' uniform. A biker in leathers and a red bandana on his head was arm-wrestling a big bald black guy with the names of body parts tattooed on the body parts over their burgers and fries. Others, in groups or alone, were scattered around the diner.

One, an absolutely HUGE hirsute redheaded man in a green shirt and a navy watch cap and leather work gloves, sitting with three redheaded boys addressed them. "WENDY! GIRL, YOU'RE MISSIN' DINNER! COME JOIN US!"

"Not tonight, dad!" Wendy called back. "Save your money! Dr. Pines is footin' the bill tonight! He's got guests in from outta town and he's gonna need my help! I'm spending the night, okay?" 

"THAT'S MY GIRL! SCROUNGE WHEN YOU CAN! THESE THE OUT OF TOWNERS?! KINDA SCRAWNY AIN'T THEY?!" Manly Dan Cordderoy stormed over, in the deceptively slow way avalanches have. One moment it's a long way away, the next you're buried under a huge mass. "HEY, YELLOWSHIRT! YOU KEEPIN' COMPANY WITH MY DAUGHTER?! WANNA ARM RASSLE?!"

"W-what w-would be the point?" Morty said, looking up at the larger man. "You'd break my arm then my grandfather or sister would kill you and that would piss your daughter off. Let's not piss your daughter off, right?"

"I LIKE HIM WENDY! HE'S GOT BALLS! MANLY!" 

I was right, thought Wendy, not afraid at all. "'Scuse me guys. Dipper, Mabel, SOMEBODY order me a double bacon cheeseburger with jalapenos and fries." she said, taking her father's arm and joining her family. "Dad, Stan says you have to tell me the one about the four rabbi's." 

"SURE THING, HONEY! THERE WERE THESE FOUR RABBI'S, SEE, AND THEY WERE ARGUING ABOUT THE TALMUD..."

The rest of the group decided to sit at the counter rather than take up two booths. The waitress (and owner) 'Lazy' Susan Wentworth bustled up, behind the counter. Her left eye was semi-permanently closed and slathered in green eyeshadow (ok, MAYBE Eau de Nil). "Evenin' Dr. Pines, these people with you? Oh, look, the kids are back! Hello Dipper, hello Mabel!"

"Hello, Susan."

"Hey, Lazy S!"

"So, what else did you bring us, Dr. P.? Such attractive young people! Oh, and how distinguished! LOVE your hair!" Lazy Susan said, giving Rick the once over with one eye.

"Thanks. Yours is a fucking nightmare." Rick growled. He was nearly sober and had a headache.

"Oooh, you're a salty dog, aren't you? That's fine, I like a man with spirit!" Lazy Susan answered.

"Lady, I would literally KILL for a salty dog." Rick said.

"I'll see what I can do, handsome. Y'all know what you want or do you need menus?"

"Menus I think, Susan. This is Rick Sanchez and his grandchildren Morty and Summer Smith. Rick and I worked together years ago, he's in town on business." Ford said.

"I'll be right back. Let me guess, handsome.Top shelf, heavy on the vodka, right?"

"Bitch, you'll make a friend for life!" 

Lazy Susan hurried off. 

"Everybody in town crazy, Fordsy or is it just the women?" Rick asked. 

"We prefer eccentric, Richard. To be fair, everyone in town is a tad strange except paradoxically, Tad Strange." Ford answered, indicating a non-descript man in a button-down white Oxford shirt and black tie eating a piece of dry toast.

"Holy shit! Elwood Blues LIVES! HEY, ELWOOD! MISSION FROM GOD, RIGHT?" Rick shouted at a non-plussed Tad Strange.

"Still loving you, Tad!" Mabel added, shooting him with finger pistols. "Pew, pew!"

"And I still love bread." Answered Tad Strange, continuing with his toast.

"Really, though. Give him a black fedora, shades, Soul Patch, maybe a harp, you've got Elwood Blues! Right, kids?" 

"That's such a fucking stupid movie, grandpa Rick." Summer answered.

"Cinematic masterpiece." Muttered Dipper.

"Listen to the boy, Summer! Any musician who's ever played a shitty dive bar loves that fucking movie!". 

Lazy Susan returned with menus and a glass of vodka colored with grapefruit juice and a salted rim.

"... SO THE VOICE FROM THE SKY SAYS NO, RABBI WEINBERG IS RIGHT! AND RABBI GOLDSTEIN SAYS, OKAY THAT MAKES IT THREE TO TWO!" Manly Dan concluded.

Wendy rejoined them at the counter, chuckling. "Wow, so you guys will argue with anyone, amiright?"

"Yes, I believe that is the point of the 'joke'." Ford answered, dryly. "Never saw it, myself."

"Fordsy, you wouldn't know a joke if it bit you on the ass. Pull the stick out of your asshole and live a little!" 

"I'm fine with my stick, Richard. Perhaps you could show a little decorum now and again."

"Maybe I could, Fordsy, but why fuckin' bother? Life's for living, take big bites. Speaking of which, what the fuck are we going to order?" Rick said, grabbing a menu and draining his drink. Another appeared as if by magic.

Ford, being health conscious chose a cedar planked salmon in a ginger maple reduction. The kids went with burgers and fries including Wendy's double bacon cheeseburger with jalapenos. Rick ordered a venison chili con carne because "Sometimes I remember I'm a Sanchez."

"Since when?" Snarked Morty.

"Since SOMETIMES M-morty! How many times do we portal down to Burbank and go to Don Cuco's?" Rick snarked back.

"I don't know, Rick. For some reason I'm k-kinda fuzzy on Don Cuco's." Morty answered, genuinely confused.

"Mindblowers." Summer whispered in Rick's ear.

"Right, overlord." Rick whispered back. "When? Never mind, I've got it. House Hunters, right? Explains the fucking mess." Rick continued in his normal voice, "Hey, you left out the last step. Why?"

"I wanted to see what would happen. All the important shit was done." Summer answered.

"I don't know. I put protocols in place, trying to spare your feelings, of all the stupid bullshit to worry about, and you just ignore them. Serves you right, bitch!"

Summer didn't care. She had suddenly remembered another time Rick remembered he was a Sanchez. "Morty, remember the sombrero and bandoliers and that fucking MUSTACHE?! Remember? When we were..."

"SUMMER! DON'T MENTION IT'S NAME! I don't have many rules, don't break this one!"

"Right, grandpa Rick. No torture, go for the clean kill, don't mention it's name! But..."

"BUP!" exclaimed Rick, snapping four fingers and thumb together in a shut your mouth gesture.

"But..."

"BUPBUPBUP!" three snaps.

"Yes, grandpa Rick." Summer answered in a small voice. She thought, Wow, Unity is a real sore spot for him. Worse than grandma Diane. Shame we couldn't keep seeing Dr. Wong, she had his number! But NO! Him and mom were all like, shrinks, weird breed, let's go get a drink! And they got riggity riggity wrecked, son! 

Wendy was thinking, Whoa! Clean kills is like a house rule! SERIOUSLY BADASS!

Ford, seeking to defuse the situation said, "So, Richard. You never mentioned anything about knowing Bill Cipher." 

Rick, happy to have a change of subject, answered, "That was after you left, Fordsy. Little fucker started showing up in my dreams, trying to convince me to open up a portal to his dimension or get the p-plans or just flat out steal my portal gun. Almost convinced me, Lati's very persuasive, 'a party that never ends with a host that never dies.' Changed my mind after I saw what he had done to his own dimension. Set a trap for him."

"You can DO that?!" Dipper asked, incredulously.

Rick pulled the silver box out of his pocket again. It had yellow and black tape on the corners, two handles, two doors and a long cord ending in a push button like a game show contestant would have wrapped around itself. "No problem, kid. This piece of tech lets me capture ghosts, spirits, phantoms, phantasms, demons, jinn, angels and minor deities. 🎵Who ya gonna call! Rick Sanchez!🎵 Of course, you have the problem of storage, but I usually sell them. That's what I did with Lati." 

"Cinematic masterpiece. You can catch ghosts without fooling around with silver mirrors?" Dipper was interested.

"Mirrors break, kid. This is mostly foolproof. It helps if your assistant will PUSH THE FUCKING BUTTON, MORTY!"

"Fuck you, Rick! It was my family! I finally pushed it!"

"It wasn't your family, Morty. They were extra-dimensional demons possessing clones. Do you still need a mnemonic?"

"Wait, you SOLD Bill Cipher?" Dipper interrupted. 

"I sell lots of shit, kid. Those pistols you and your sister have? Those usually move at about 150 flurbos apiece. I like the way you handled yourselves, though! On the house!"

"Wow!" Said Mabel. "He's Grunkle Ford AND Grunkle Stan!"

"Richard, if you don't mind my asking, who would WANT Bill Cipher?" Asked Ford.

"The marriage counselors on Nuptia 6 had a use for an entity that could create living representations of people's perceptions. I had a use for a million and a half Blemflarks. We came to an agreement until my daughter and idiot son-in-law broke the fucking planet. I think a goddess version of Beth rules the place now." Rick finished his sixth salty dog.

"Excuse me, folks." Interrupted the cop to Rick's left. "Y'all are gettin' mighty close to breakin' the 'Never Mind All That' act of 2012, and y'all know what THAT means!" He pulled out a taser and set it off. "Zappy, zappy!"

"Now, Deputy Durland, if you review our conversation I believe that you will find we made no mention of, or even allusion to, the events of last August." Ford said.

A black hand rested on Deputy Durland's shoulder. "Durland, that's the Pines family. They're exempt. Let it go." Said Sheriff Blubs.

"But, Sheriff..."

"Let it go, Darlin'. Now, who wants ice cream? 'Cause every day with you is a sweet treat!"

The food arrived and conversation flagged while they ate. Besides, the threat of minor electrocution sort of took the wind out of the conversational sails. Rick enjoyed his seventh and eighth cocktails. Dipper, Mabel and Wendy had convinced the Smiths to try Pitt Cola. Dipper took a long drink from his, saying, "I love this stuff. You can't get it in California, I don't know why."

"Aaaaacckkk!" Morty was choking on the pit. He managed to cough it up. "Because California has lawyers? Choking hazard, anyone? Jeez! Peach cola, great! But the pit?!"

"That's their gimmick! It adds excitement to your otherwise humdrum life!" Mabel said.

"Yeah, immenant death'll do that! Believe me, I know! I don't expect it from my soda!" Morty answered.

"Oh, Pooh! You're no fun, More-for-me!" Mabel stuck her tongue out at him.

"I keep telling him that, Glitterface. He doesn't listen." Rick said.

They continued with their meal until an ambiguously brown young woman with purple hair and pink highlights entered the restaurant, apparently hypnotized by her cell phone. Wendy called her over. "Tambry! Look who's back! I have some people I want you to meet! 

Tambry came over and barely glanced away from the phone. "Oh, hey Mabel, hey Doctor Funtimes." 'Pines Twins back in town' was typed into the phone, send all. 

Summer hooted. "Doctor Funtimes? This I GOTTA hear!" 

"Hey, what can I say? Kid really knows how to use a Thomson." Tambry said, eyes still locked on phone.

"REALLY, Dipper! You REALLY know how to use your Thompson? Is THAT what they call it out here?" 

Dipper grabbed the back of his neck, blushing. "Thomson. No 'P'. He's a friend. If you ask him right he'll do ANYTHING."

"Yeah, Dipper's really good at it. Doctor Funtimes rocks!" Eyes never left the phone.

"Tambry, this is Morty and Summer Smith and their grandfather, Rick Sanchez. They're visiting Dr. Pines." Wendy explained.

Tambry's eyes flickered on the Smiths for a millisecond. "Kewl, kewl." More typing. 'Wendy's found new 🍖🚹🚺both cute AF' this wasn't send all, this went to a more select group. "Nice meeting you, can't hang Wendy. Picking up dinner for the fam, gotta go." She headed for the cash register.

" 'scuse me a sec, I wanna talk with my BFF." Wendy said, following Tambry. "Tambers, wait!"

"Don't call me that, Wendall." Tambry said.

"You see Nate or Lee anywhere? C'mon Tambers, it's me! Anyway, Mabel's having a sleepover tonight, the Smiths and Dr. Funtimes'll be there, want in?"

"Aren't we getting kinda old for sleepovers, Wendall? Besides, even with Dr. Funtimes it's looking like a taco fest. You can't fool me, Wendall! You wanna fuck those Smiths! Where's that leave room for ol' Tambers, huh? I won't be left alone, Wendall. Anyway I got a good thing going with Robbie, he's jealous enough over guys, if I fuck a chick he'd freak! Especially you, Wendall. Sorry, I'm gonna pass."

"Hey, c'mon Tambers! We had some ROCKIN' times at OUR sleepovers! Old times sake?"

"We sure did, Wendall. But I got a good thing going, don't fuck it up, 'kay?"

"But I MISS you Tambers!" 

"I miss you too, sometimes. But I've moved on, Wendall. Be happy for me, ok?"

"I'll try, Tambers. I love you."

"Love ya, too, Wendall. Go fuck those Smiths for me. See ya!" Tambry kissed Wendy on the cheek, collected her food, paid and left.

"Well, THAT sucks!" Wendy said, returning to her seat.

Everyone was nearly finished, Lazy Susan was refreshing Rick's drink again, she lifted her left eyelid by hand saying "Wink! Here's another, handsome!"

Rick stood up, saying, "Let me take a look at that." He pulled a box out of his pocket and pulled a small furry animal from the box, squeezing it so it spat in Lazy Susan's left eye. She blinked a few times and her eyes stayed open. She whirled around, looking at the mirror behind the counter, seeing the world in stereo vision for the first time in thirty years. 

"Wha what WHAT!" She exclaimed. "Mister, of all the greasy spoons in all the towns in the world, I'm so glad you walked into mine!"

"Hmm?" Murmurred Ford.

"Casablanca reference." Answered Rick. "Like the chapter title. Don't think about it."

Ford took the check and paid, saying, "Anyway, that was a nice thing to do, Rick."

"Unh, she kept my drink full. Besides it's cheaper than leaving a tip." Rick said, pocketing the tip Ford had left. The group left the restaurant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the Jeff Goldbloom alien in Whirly Dirly Conspiracy I couldn't resist playing with Tad Strange. My headcanon has Wendy and Tambry being long time lovers. Wendy is the only one allowed to call Tambry 'Tambers' and Tambry is the only one allowed to call Wendy 'Wendall'. Did you think I forgot about the four rabbi's? I wouldn't do that to you, dawg. It's more fun to orphan the punchline. I know, not enough Mabel in this chapter. She didn't want to say much. If you want angst, we're getting there. If you want smut we'll get there too. Hold on.


	15. Interlude : Bill honors a deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill finally doesn't go back on a deal. He does try though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! I haven't forgotten this, I just wasn't looking forward to writing this chapter. So much so that I still haven't. This is, as it says, an interlude. The troublemaker will now be chapter 16. But a new chapter is finally here! Also, all 14 previous chapters have been edited. Cleaning up mistakes, changes for style, and additional dialogue! Some thoughts from the first draft that I decided should stay. Go, re-read! New content!

Bill Cipher appeared in a temple standing before a tall dignified looking creature in robes. She had seven eyes. 

"Jheselbraum the Unswerving! This day just keeps getting worse and worse!" He said.

"Oh, you have no idea, Cipher! If it were up to me, you would end, here and now. However, it isn't up to me. You may get a reprieve." The Oracle snapped her fingers and Bill disappeared from her realm to a place that isn't, no up, no down, no shapes, only colors.

"William." A voice said. 

"No one calls me that! Not since I burned the polygons and circles down!"

"What about your brother?"

"He called me Billy! LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS!" Bill turned and beheld the Axolotl. "Frilly! The day IS getting worse and worse!"

"Perhaps. Perhaps not. I thought we had a deal.  
Sixty degrees that come in threes.  
Watches from within birch trees.  
Saw his own dimension burn.  
Misses home and can't return.  
Says he's happy. He's a liar.  
Blame the arson for the fire.  
If he wants to shirk the blame,  
He'll have to invoke my name.  
One way to absolve his crime.  
A different form, a different time."

"Nice. You write that? Let me try one!  
There once was a frilly amphibian  
Who looked like he came from the Permian  
His friends found it odd  
That he thought he was God  
Guess I'll kill him with a chunk of obsidian." Bill snapped his fingers. Nothing happened.

The Axolotl blinked. A dagger of obsidian appeared. "Looking for this? Really, William, a glass dagger? So old fashioned." The Axolotl blinked again. A vision of Bill's demise against the original mystery twins appeared. Then the sound ran backwards.

"X-O-L-O-T-L my time has come to burn! I invoke the ancient power that I may return!"

"Nice try, frilly! That's MY name, or it used to be, back when a glass dagger meant something!"

"William, William. We both know what you meant. Your attempts at loopholes won't work here, outside of space and time. You have a choice. Honor the bargain, or cease."

"Cease?"

"To exist. Retroactively. To have never been born. Leaving your brother to face his end alone. What would he think of what you've become?" 

"He'd hate it. Alright, Frilly you win! We have a deal." Bill held out his right hand. No flames appeared though.

"Not necessary here, William. I'll take you at your word."

The voice of Jheselbraum drifted in from somewhere. "Is this wise, Lord?" It asked.

"Probably not. It is Just, however." The Axolotl blinked again.

Bill opened his eyes. He had two of them. He saw a new color, kind of a greenish purple. Great, he thought. I'm inhabiting some sort of meat sack. Wonder where I am? Wonder when I am? Feels like long ago, in days of old, when magic filled the air. Wait! I was there, then! Magic was never that common! I can feel it though. I think I can see it! Hmm. A different place, a different time.

The baby that was Bill Cipher started to cry. His parents came in, changed his diaper and soothed him. His father was concerned. He was an eighth son and the boy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go! Cliffhangers, hints, this and that. The largest outright lifting of text from canon (near canon, sort of canon) yet! Some of you (many. Most?) may see where this is heading. The question remains. Who is Bill Cipher? Stealing from another fanwork, PengyChan's "Flat Dreams" . Possibly the best analysis of Bill Cipher's character and motivation extant. With added background from "Flatland" Flat Dreams is an absolute triumph, again, much better than this dreck, go read it! I only steal from the best!


	16. Blood Ridge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story of Blood Ridge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What 'Lati' means. Roman history. Morty is sensitive.

Everyone piled back into the Cadillac, kids in the same order, Dipper, Summer, Wendy, Morty, Mabel. Ford driving, Rick nursing a flask. He had all four he carried topped off by Lazy Susan out of gratitude for her miracle cure. 

"So, Richard, 'Lati'? Where did you come up with that?" Ford asked.

"It's short for 'Illuminati'. Little fucker seemed to like it. I know he w-wanted to end the world, General, but I liked (urp) the little shit! I don't think he had any actual malice." Rick said. 

"I think you're right, Colonel. I think he thought of himself as a freedom fighter, like we used to be."

Morty spoke up. "Rick, Dr. Pines, what's the deal with this military bullshit? General, Colonel, what the fuck?"

Ford responded. "Mr. Smith, during the Federation war, we commanded a small army. Quick, mobile, Cai Iuli would've been proud."

"Fucking history professor! The boy's name is Morty, dipshit! M-morty, Fordsy's right, we commanded an army. HE commanded an army, I was just his Aide-de-camp."

"Morty, don't let your grandfather bullshit you. He was firmly in command, I was a figurehead, a sacrificial lamb in case we got caught. General Pines would take the fall, Colonel Sanchez would get off scot-free." 

"Kids, don't let Fordsy bullshit you either. If we got caught, we'd have ALL gone against the wall or been cubed or worse. Besides, Fordsy, the troops w-wouldn't have followed ME! A drunk, s-stammering m-madman with impulse issues, who can't finish a fucking (braap) sentence without cursing? You have gravitas, Ford! You have the voice, the look, even the motherfucking posture! Psyops work best on your own side."

"Why, thank you, Colonel."

"No problem, General."

"Cubed?" Asked Dipper.

"Yeah, the Federation had the un-unfortunate habit of turning 'enemies of the state' into building materials." Rick answered.

"Just like Bill Cipher! He built a throne out of the people of Gravity Falls!" Mabel exclaimed.

"I heard about that, Glitterface. The Federation SAYS cubes aren't sentient, but I'm not so sure anymore."

"Who the hell is Kai Eye-oo-lee?" Morty wondered.

"Gaius Iulius Caesar." Ford pronounced it 'kaiser'. "Conquered Gaul, last dictator of the Roman Republic. Perhaps you've heard of him?"

"Fucking history professor! He'd have also crucified you if he heard you calling him Cai Iuli. Familiar names were for FAMILY, Fordsy! Romans were f-funny about shit like that."

"True. He would've been proud of us though, Richard. Quick strikes, strategic retreats, using natural features as defensive perimeters. Blood Ridge was brilliant!"

"Rick's mentioned Blood Ridge, but I don't really know what happened there." Morty said.

"Blood Ridge was a natural Nexis, Morty. It exists in all dimensions at once. The four-thousand of us sat at the top and Federation forces from all across the central finite curve were funneled up to us. We must've killed, what, 117 quadrillion gromflomites that day, right Richard? Broke the back of the Federation. All across the central finite curve. Collapse was inevitable." Ford explained.

"Wait a minute." Said Dipper. "Let me get this straight. 4,000 versus 117,000,000,000,000,000? That's not history, that's legend! Maybe mythology! What kind of weapon do you use to kill 117 quadrillion ANYTHING?"

"Neutrino bombs." Said Morty, flatly. "Right, Rick? Really? Genocide? Hitler, Stalin, every fucking madman across history, my grandfather has to OUTDO THEM ALL! PUT TOGETHER! HOW MANY PLANET KILLERS DID YOU USE?!" Morty rolled up into a fetal position, weeping. Wendy and Mabel hugged him tight, Summer reached over Wendy and patted his back. The car pulled up to the Mystery Shack, but no one wanted to leave.

"About 300." 

"Three hundred. THREE HUNDRED! ONE will wipe out the population of a planet! Or a star system if you're drunk and get the mix wrong! Jeez!" 

"I was stone cold sober on Glapflap's third moon. Probably the last time. There were also about a thousand quantum destabilizers. Fordsy's as complicit in this as I am. This is why I don't talk about it. I try not to think about it. Until earlier today I had wiped most of it from my memory. Ford, you started this with your fucking numbers, let's give him m-more numbers. How many planetary systems did the Federation hold when we started?"

"On average, per dimension, across the CFC, roughly 60,000."

"Right! Morty? When we were holed up on (burp) Dwarf Terrace Nine, how many planets did the Federation hold? Not planetary systems, PLANETS?"

"N-n-n-nine thousand."

"Right! You check the Galactic news feeds, how many planets do the Federation hold now?"

"Twenty. M-maybe less. They're under siege, like you said they're eating themselves now."

"Right! You've LIVED under the Federation, Morty! You KNOW people who got cubed! Who's more like the FUCKIN' NAZIS, them or your fuckin' grandfather, who just wants to be left alone and do his own shit!"

"They are. S-sorry R-rick. It's just a lot to take in at once, y'know? You haven't done anything since you devalued the Blemflark."

"Damn right I haven't! If the Galaxy wants to eliminate Gromflomites, let the Galaxy do it! I am DONE! Don't think about it! Fuck it, let's go inside." They went inside, Rick and Ford sat down at the kitchen table with two more bottles, the kids all went up to Dipper and Mabel's attic room. Everyone was in a somber mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter I've been procrastinating. It's amazing how much killing 117 quadrillion sentient beings takes out of you. Angst, as promised. More to come. Also, some smut. I know that I've said I can't write sex scenes, I'll prove it next chapter. Not a lot of comedy this chapter, but that's both R&M and GF. They say they're comedies but they'll make you cry like a bitch.


	17. Sleepover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel gets her sleepover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst AND smut. An explanation for the angst. An angstplanation.

Dipper, Mabel, Wendy, Morty and Summer all trooped up the stairs to the attic. It was a simple room with two small beds, not even twins. The one on the left had a huge backpack on it, the one on the right two suitcases. There was a nightstand between the the beds with a lantern and a boombox on it. Dipper used it to listen to Icelandic pop sensation Babba. Mabel didn't listen to Sev'ral Timez much anymore, but she was getting into a new band called Love Sentence and used the boombox for them. There was a closet and a curtained alcove next to it, mostly filled with a giant chess pawn. The walls were unfinished wood, lots of splinters. Mabel went over to the bed on the right, opened a suitcase, pulled out an olive colored sweater, and in full view of everyone in the room took off the pink sweater she had been wearing and put on the green one. She wore no bra. "I don't feel much like being Shooting Star anymore today!" She said. The sweater looked like the T-shirt Melody had been wearing earlier, except it had both a question mark and an exclamation point. "Like it?! I made it for the shack!"

"Nice, Mabes! Stan'll love it!" Wendy said.

Okay, thought Morty. I've more or less seen her naked, now. Wish I could be interested. I knew Rick was at war with the Federation, but the scale never hit me until today. The ENTIRE Federation across ALL of the Central Finite Curve! He sat on the floor and hugged his own knees. Everyone else joined him in a circle on the floor.

"Why so down, Morty?" Summer asked.

"Rick is a monster!"

"Well, gadoyoy! We know that! We love him anyway! Remember the speechs we made on Tinyplanet? Dwarf Terrace Nine? Before he bugged out so we could go home and he could put his plan in action? He saved us then!" 

"Yeah, but..."

"No! No buts ! Something's wrong with you! Something's wrong with all of you! You! Axe girl! You were so badass this afternoon you scared me! I figured I better pull some sort of shit or I'd get killed with an axe. It worked. But now the fire is gone. What happened?"

"Well, I think I broke up with my girlfriend. But it's more than that, it's EVERYthing! Dipper, Mabel, you don't know what it's like here since you left. There's the Never Mind All That act but people know something happened. People remember the end of the world, Wierdmaggedon, and they know it stopped. They know the Pines' fixed everything somehow! They know that the Zodiac was involved. So the ten of us are different. They think we're like angels or devils or something! People are scared of me! Like, I have powers or something! I had the power to get turned into a tapestry but no one believes that! The Gleefuls left, moved to Miami to get as far away from here as they could! Pacifica Northwest has kinda disappeared, she's hardly ever seen in public. She goes to a private school in Portland now. Soos, poor Soos, people think that he really is Jesus, he walked the wasteland, healing the sick, helping the lost, feeding the multitudes with one piece of pizza! And it's all true! He used up the infinite pizza you guys got him. Robbie, the idiot likes it, it fits in with his dark and tortured soul persona and Mcgucket's been treated bad for so long he just shrugs it off. Soos can't go to mass anymore, the priest freaks out, Jesus is in the church! Soos is so positive that he copes and he has Melody, who wasn't here and your grunkles and the tourists. The marks. But it's hard, dudes!"

"It's my fault!" Said Dipper. "I freaked Mabel out and she ran off with the rift! If I wasn't so selfish it wouldn't have happened! I kept everything secret, don't trust anyone and brought about Wierdmaggedon!"

Morty tapped Dipper on the shoulder. "Um, Dipper. Your sister." 

Mabel was on her bed, legs tucked into her sweater, cowl pulled up over her face. 

"Sweatertown, Mabel? I'm sorry. It was all my..." 

"It WASN'T! It was MY fault! I GAVE it to him! Just handed it to him! For a little more summer! I was the selfish one! I thought it was Blendin, the time travel guy! But Bill possessed him! I DID IT! LOOK!" She turned her back, pulled up her sweater and flexed her butt. A Cipher scar appeared on her lower back, a tramp stamp of sorts, complete with the circle and slash. "I never shook his hand, but I made a deal! I caused the apocalypse for one more day of summer! I DID IT! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!'

PHEWPHWEET!! Everyone turned to Summer, who had whistled. "Listen, you whiny shits!! I figured it out! We eliminated a class three Eldritch Abomination today and that means psychic fallout! Morty! Remember what happened when we had to put my Cthulhu down? Angst, guilt, depression, suicidal thoughts, all that bullshit?" 

"Cthulhu? Bill had a Cthulhu working for him, during Wierdmaggedon." Said Dipper.

"Really? My bad. We eliminated a class TWO Eldritch Abomination today. That makes it worse! Morty, you're better than me at figuring shit out. What do you think?" 

"A class two? About half the planet, for about six months. Call it from here to the Mississippi and a good chunk of Siberia. Korea, Japan and China should be okay. Probably. Load up on stimulants, it'll be a bumpy ride. Caffeine, cocaine, crystal meth... Crystal! That's it! Be right back!" Morty pulled out his portal gun and disappeared.

"He just bail on us?" Asked Dipper.

"Nah, he's got a plan. Fuck me if I know what it is, though." Replied Summer.

A portal opened and Morty reappeared, holding a pinkish purple crystal the size of his torso and a fresh blue bloodstain on his shirt. "Had to kill a two-headed lion thing to get it. They hang out around K-Lax."

"Kalaxxian crystal? Think you have enough?" Summer asked.

"Figure enough for the household for six months." Morty replied.

"Dipshit, it's not a party! That's enough for the town for six months! One hit a day should do! Besides I have something else in mind. Bring 'em home with us!" 

"Dad would NEVER go for it!"

"How can he refuse? Refugees, driven from their home through no fault of their own? Grandpa Rick's old war buddy and his family?" 

"Dad hates Rick's old war buddies."

"Dad loved Squanchy!"

"Up until the Federation tried to kill everyone."

"What Federation?" Argued Summer.

Morty pulled an MP3 player and a screwdriver from his pocket. He wired the MP3 player to Dipper's boombox "Summer, set some music. We're going to want to dance. This is Kalaxxian crystal. It's a very powerful stimulant with short term hallucinogenic effects. We're going to take some and that should counter the whiny angsty suicidal shit we've been feeling." Morty proceeded to chop five lines of K-Lax up. They all snorted one

Sclerae turned blue. Tiiiiiimmeeeeeeee ssllooooooowwweeedd. 🎵Oh yeah! You gotta get schwifty. You gotta get schwifty in here. It's time to get schwifty. Oh oh. You gotta get schwifty. Oh yeah. Take off your pants and your panties. Shit on the floor 🎵 Dancing was happening. Morty was kissing Wendy. Wendy was kissing Mabel Mabel was naked. 🎵 Oh yeah! Uh-huh here we go! Oh yeah! Say it with me! Head bent over! Raised up posterior! Head bent over! Raised up posterior 🎵 Is someone squeezing my boobs thought Wendy should someone? Yes! Someone needs to fuck me right now! Dipper and Summer waltzed by. Cool. Who waltzes can I waltz? That's a funny word. 🎵 Yeah...grab my terryfold flaps. Grab my flappy folds. Grab my terryfolds. Grab my foldy flaps 🎵 What's a terryfold? I want someone to suck my flappy folds! Suck my flaps you FUCKIN' BITCH! 🎵bwaa bwaa bwaa bababaa bwaa bwaa bwaa bababaa 🎵 Wow, sax! Gerry Rafferty?

"Really, Summer? Get Schwifty? Raise the Posterior? Terryfolds is cool but Baker Street? Dad's playlist?" Morty ranted.

Mabel was naked. Wendy was wearing her shirt, bra and hat. The Gravity Falls girls seemed to obey Schwifty. Take off your pants and your panties. Morty looked around for shit on the floor. There was none.

"Hey, I'm PROUD of my family, asshole! Besides these guys kept going on about saving the world! I wanted to show them how you do it, Rick and Morty style! How do you feel about the shit Ford and Rick said in the car, now?" Summer responded.

Wendy spoke. "All right, dudes, I'm going to talk 'cause it's not MY family! I know we're all freaked out, but the way I see it, those two old guys downstairs are heros! They took on an evil empire and WON! Dipper, Mabel your Grunkle is a General! Soldier, scholar, inventor! Dudes, he's like a top secret government agency all on his own! He's fucking awesome! We beat Bill Cipher today, dudes! All by ourselves! Fuck, we're ALL awesome! Morty, Summer, I don't know much about your grandpa but, WOW! Robbie tries to be all like, the world is meaningless, I'm a dark and tortured soul but Rick walks the walk! But he has fun! He is fun! Unlike Robbie. And you two! Me and Stan would scare the shit out of most people, but you two just get in an argument about pockets! POCKETS! You dudes scare me a little and I don't scare easy! You met my dad! Summer, you're tough, you can handle a gun, you can look me in the eye when I'm threatening you with an axe and FLIRT! You are straight up sexy, girl! I don't know how I'm not jumping your bones right now! Morty, you're fearless, capable, smart, sensitive, sweet and kinda scary! You remind me of Dipper! Rick and Ford, wow, just wow! It's like Luke Starkiller and San Holo are downstairs, drinking, retired! Ok, I think I'm done."

"Cinematic masterpiece." Mumbled Dipper.

"Um, I think that's me. I piloted and Rick handled w-weapons while we took out a giant planet killing satellite, being chased by hundreds of Spermatic fighter ships. We got m-medals on the steps of the capitol building and everything. We didn't have any pussy fleet with us either. We did it alone." Morty said.

Wendy was ecstatic. "This is what I'm talking about! This is the kinda thing I wanna know! Mabel, this is a sleepover, right?"

"Absolutely, girlfriend!"

"Then, I propose a game! We all say something wierd and awesome that we've done and see if anyone else has done it. I'll start. I once wrestled myself." Wendy said. Morty, Dipper, Mabel and Summer all raised their hands. "Wow, I kinda thought I'd do better with that one." 

"I cloned myself with Grunkle Stan's copier. Things went bad." Dipper explained.

"I had to lead a bunch of Morties out of slavery. We didn't all get along at first." Answered Morty.

"I ran into a bunch of extradimensional Mabels in dimension MAB-3L! Had to fight anti-Mabel! She hated cats! Turns out most of me are REALLY annoying! Oh, Mabel, you gotta work on yo'self!"

"I wanted the same top as me at a store in the citadel. I can be a bitch." Summer said. "Me next! Me and Morty and Tiny Rick all staked a nest of vampires!" 

Mabel raised her hand. "It wasn't a nest, but I staked two vampires! I thought we were dating, but they only wanted one thing! Blood!"

"Really, Mabel? You kept that a secret?" Asked Dipper.

"Hey, I don't tell you EVERYTHING!"

"They're like that, Glitterface. Better to just stake 'em!" Summer said.

🎵 Can you take me now? I, I want it, I want it real. Are you afraid of me now? Are you afraid of me now?🎵

"My turn I guess." Said Dipper. "I once attacked a giant robot with my bare hands!"

Morty and Summer raised their hands. "Dude, that's like a Tuesday." Summer snarked.

"Yeah, if I had a nickel. My turn?" Morty asked.

"No, you already have a point for your awesome space opera. Mabel's turn" said Wendy.

"I've swapped genders! Me and Dipper changed bodies!" 

Wendy looked around the room. "Anybody? Point, Pines twins! What's it like, having a dick, Mabes?"

"Wierd! Awkward and sweaty!"

"What's a vagina like, Dipper?" Asked Morty.

"Surprisingly comfortable. Everything's all tucked away. Braces suck, though."

"Your sister doesn't have braces" 

"She did."

"You're lucky it wasn't two weeks later, Dipping-Dots! Talk about uncomfortable!" 

"Anybody take anything out for a test drive?" Asked Wendy. 

"We didn't really have time. Or privacy." Answered Dipper.

"I took a pee! Girls, they're harder to steer than you think! So, yes, I've handled my brother's penis!" Mabel enthused.

"Lucky girl. Whattaya say, Morty? Can I steer, next time you take a leak?" Summer was having fun.

"No"

"Ok, NOW it's your turn, Morty." Said Wendy. 

"I climbed up a beanstalk, encountered a giant who slipped and fell, busting his head open and beat the bogus murder rap on a technicality because I wasn't read my tiny rights." Beat THAT, suckers thought Morty.

"Anybody? I got beanstalk, giant, murder rap. Three points, Morty! Super space battle gives you four. Time to step up our game, people!" Wendy said. "I'm obviously out of my league, so I'm gonna cheat! I know what a birch tree looks like!"

"POINT WENDY!" Shouted Mabel.

"Works for me." Said Dipper. 

"Dipper and I are in trouble. Hmm. Me and Rick beat the everloving shit out of the devil, once. On live TV." Summer stated.

"The devil? The DEVIL devil?" Asked Wendy.

"Lucifer? Satan? That devil?" Quiried Dipper.

"Yup. Lucifer Morningstar. He was going by the name Lucius Needful, but that's the guy" Summer looked smug.

"Point Summer!" 

"My turn again, huh? I've existed as a ghost, totally in the mindscape, while Bill Cipher possessed my body." Said Dipper.

"Ghost? Anyone? Ghost? Point Dipper!" Wendy awarded.

"Ok, I'm up! I kissed a merman!" Said Mabel

Morty raised his hand. "Not only have I kissed a mermaid, I've fucked one!"

"Wait, is that even possible?" Dipper wondered.

"She was a great white from the waist down. She was built for it."

"Mermando was missing some parts! Mighta dodged a bullet, there!" Opined Mabel.

"Ok, game! One point each for me and Summer, two points for Dipper and Mabel. Four for Morty!" Said Wendy.

"Wait, what? Two for Mabel?" Asked Dipper.

"Yeah, one for genderswapping and one for touching your dick! Anyone else touch Dipper's dick? His little Dipper? No? Right, two for Mabel. Morty wins! Stand up Morty I wanna check something out! And give you your prize for winning!"

Morty stood up hesitantly. Wendy came around behind him and plunged both hands into his pockets. "Let's see. My right hand found..." She pulled her right hand from his pocket holding a sleek blue and grey pistol. "A nine gauge plasma pistol! My left hand found...a new friend! Hello, new friend, I'll see you later! Can't wait to meet you face to face!" She pulled her left hand out of his pocket.

"Your new friend wants to meet you face to face too. His boss wants his pistol back and to know how the fuck you did that!" 

"It isn't that hard. >Snicker< If your pocket can hold ANYTHING, then you damn well better know what you're looking for before you go fishing around! Here you go." Wendy handed him his pistol. She sat down on Mabel's bed. She tossed her hat behind her. She stood up. "That wasn't your prize." She slapped her butt. "This will be, later! Sorry, Dipper! You didn't win! But first, I've been wanting to do this since I set eyes on you!" She walked over to Summer and took her in her arms and kissed her.

"Looks and brains, too! I'm impressed! Congratulations, you've worked out N-dimensional topography. Take your time, Summer needs this." Morty said.

"Us losers need to stick together! Summer gets the booby prize!" Wendy said, cupping Summer's left breast.

"This is new. I've never even kissed a girl before!" Summer sighed.

"Like it?"

"So far. What comes next?"

"You!"

"I'm starting to think that the game was rigged." Said Dipper.

Wendy took down Summer's pants and panties. "Damn, girl! You ARE smooth! Let me show you how a girl goes down! Mabel, go meet my new friend." Wendy's tongue slid up between Summer's right lips to her clit, little lick, down between her left lips, insert. Lick up the right side, loop around the clit, another loop with another deep insertion ending at the taint, lick. Large half loop around the whole area, slide up right lips, half loop around the other side...

"Okay, let me try!" Mabel went behind Morty and put her hands in his pockets. "My right hand found..." She pulled out her hand and a roll of condoms. "Special sleepover party ballons! Yay! My left hand found a new friend too! Hello new friend!" Mabel knelt in front of Morty and took down his pants and shorts. She grinned up at Morty. "Don't worry, no braces, see?! I'm good at this!" 

"That's what Oskar Hammerskvald says." Reported Dipper. 

"Oskar told you he got a blowjob from your SISTER?! BOO! No more skin flute for Mr. Hammerskvald!" 

"No, Doug Larson told me that Oskar Hammerskvald told him that Mabel Pines gives the best blowjobs in the world. Who's the narc now?" 

"Not you! Now, shut up! I'm about to be busy! Wendy's kneeling there ass up, go make yourself useful! Teach her some Greek! No, Hebrew, right to left, she'll love it! Mphmeghlmm!" 

Dipper knelt behind Wendy. I can't believe I'm doing this, I've never even kissed a girl on the lips. Well, I'm about to. Let's see, α, β, γ, δ...

"OH, MY GOD! Why can't men do this this well!" Summer shouted. Wendy's hand snaked under her shirt for her left breast.

"Aay an! Uss ee em ee alameh!" Mabel mumbled, mouth full.

Wendy looked up. "They can! I don't know what Dipper's doing back there, but it's 🎵 amazing 🎵! Taking five, gotta breathe!"

"No! Don't stop! So close!" Summer pled. Wendy plunged two fingers into her, applied rotation with her thumb and pulled them out, slowly, curling them. "Oh! Oh, oh, oh, OHOHOH!!!"

"There ya go! How was your first lesbian experience?" Wendy was grinning.

"Beats the living shit out of my first heterosexual one! He came in about a minute, no foreplay at all." 

Mabel let Morty out of her mouth. "Wen-wen? You ready?! I got Morty all primed, I think he's a marathon man! A lot of guys would've finished already! I'm pretty good!"

"You are, Glitterface! Oscar What's-his-name might be on to something!" Morty said, putting on a condom. 

"Yeah Mabes, I'm ready! Dipper, you're going to make Pacifica Northwest VERY happy, I'm kinda sorry I thought you were too young last year. Mabes, your brother is a phenomenon, I thought I knew some tricks!"

"Same trick you use, Wendy! The ol' alphabet gag! Bro-bro and I just know some extra ones! Broseph, take over for Wendy, I think she wants to be alone with Morty, she's been looking at the Smith's the way Grunkle Stan looks at money since she saw them! " She stood, naked and unashamed.

"Mabes, where'd YOU learn the alphabet trick? Me and Tambry fumbled around for a year before someone told us. Fuck, I think it was Stan!"

"I learned a lot last summer! I learned that Candy Chiu is an amazing person, that east Asian culture has way less hang-ups than Christians, that Korean is AMAZBALLS!"

"Alphabet? Is that what's been done to me? AMAZBALLS is right!" Summer gasped.

"Ready for the giving part of gay sex, Summer Shower?! 'Cause I'm about to sit on your face, while Dipping Sauce shows you guys can go down! Know any interesting alphabets?!" Mabel asked.

"How's your Krutabulon?" Called Morty, slowly entering Wendy from behind "Wendy, you should know that I'm technically a virgin." 

"As if! Wendy, my brother is a father! He lost his virginity to a Gazorpazorpian breeding robot, designed to have sex with the most violent, aggressive and oversexed males in the universe and drain them in about ten seconds. He fucked it for six hours and went back for more! He is a fucking machine! Literally! Morty, Kiara didn't teach us much Krutabulon. She taught us Varrix, you know, for the hunt! I'm going with that! Mabel, Varrix is a very complicated language, about 200 variable symbols, very intricate. I hope this works! Dipper, whatever you're doing, keep it up!"

Mabel lowered herself onto Summer. "Oh! That's interesting! Is this a language or figure skating?! Oh! Or a spirograph! Oh! Right there! Oh! Oh! OHOHOH! Oh! I LOVE BARRACKS!! OH! OH! OH! MASON RUEBEN PINES!! DID YOU JUST WRITE THE TETRAGRAMMATON ON THAT POOR GIRL'S SNATCH!!"

"Maybe. Sanctifying the work area?"

"You don't write the name of the Lord on a girl's most private parts! Aleph, Beth, Gamel, mister!!! Everyone, if we all get struck by lightning, it's Dipper's fault! Oh! OHOHOHOH! OOOOHWOAHOOOOHOOOOH!!!!

Dipper looked up. "How many was that Mabel? Four?"

"Seven!" sighed Mabel, breathing heavily.

"Better get up, I think Summer's drowning." Said Dipper.

"Aaaacckk!! Mabel, next time, warn someone you're a squirter!" Complained Summer, face like a glazed doughnut.

"I didn't know! I never squirted before! WOW!! That was really your first time? You gotta teach me Barracks!"

"Varrix. It's Varrix."

There was a knock on the door. "Guys? Mabel? Dipper? It's Pacifica! You ok? Old man Mcgucket was worried!"

"One second!" Shouted Mabel.

"What fresh hell is this?" Asked Morty, pulling out and pulling his jeans on.

"What did I tell you! DEVINE RETRIBUTION!" Exclaimed Mabel, throwing on her sweater. 

Fuck it! Thought Wendy. I'm not putting any pants on! 

Summer was putting her jeans on.

"Dr. Pines is as drunk as I've seen him with some guy who's as drunk as I've seen anyone!" The door opened and Pacifica Northwest entered, wearing her trademark lilac outfit, black leggings and Ugg boots. "The crazy drunk with the potty mouth says you're having some kind of orgy up here!" She took in the various states of dishabille. "I guess he was right. I'll be leaving." 

"Pacifica, Paz, don't go! It's ok! Join us!" Called Mabel. 

"In your orgy. Right." 

"There's more to it than that, Pacifica." Dipper said. "This is important! Have you been depressed? Guilty? Anxious?"

"Well yes. But that's normal. I'm not good enough. Good enough isn't good enough! Only the best is good enough! That's just my parents, y'know?"

"It's not. Not this time. Trust me. You need some klaxion crystal." Dipper explained.

"Kalaxxian crystal." Corrected Morty.

"DRUGS?! SEX AND DRUGS?!" Shouted Pacifica.

"And Rock & Roll!" added Summer.

🎵 You see me now, a veteran of a thousand psychic wars. I've been living on the edge so long, where the winds of Limbo roar 🎵

"It's medicine. You're sick to your soul. Trust me. You DO trust me, don't you, Pacifica? Paz?"

"I, I guess so. This is important, huh?"

🎵 But the war's still going on dear, and there's no one that I know, and I can't stand forever. I can't say if we're ever going to be free. Don't let these shakes go on, it's time we had a break from it 🎵

Morty cut a new line and five bullets. "Everyone have a bump." Summer hit restart on the MP3. 

Pacifica took her medicine. Everyone took a bump.

Blue eyes. Tiiiiiimmeeeeeeee ssllooooooowwweeedd. 

🎵 You gotta get schwifty. Yeah yeah. Take off your pants and your panties 🎵

When everyone came around Pacifica was holding Dipper like her life depended on it, sans leggings, boots and underwear. Amazing, thought Morty. Every girl in Gravity Falls. Wait. This isn't right. There's trauma here, yes but not from an Eldritch Abomination. This is more concrete. Summer noticed as well and was approaching.

"Hey, Blondie? You okay? What's her name?"

"Pacifica. Pacifica Northwest" replied Mabel.

"Pacifica? Let's leave Dipper be, okay? Boys, ugh! It's a sleepover Pacifica. Girls only, right? 

"Right." Pacifica said, dreamily and followed Summer to the other side of the room. Mabel and Wendy trailed along.

"Ok, Pacifica. One of the things that happen at sleepovers is girls get naked and compare stuff." Summer stripped and Mabel took off her sweater, the only thing she had on. Wendy started to unbutton her shirt, but Mabel held a hand up. Stop. 

"Can't. Won't." 

"You don't understand, Paz! It's a CONTEST and Summer and I already won! Look at Wendy!" Mabel said and nodded at Wendy. Wendy started unbuttoning again. "See, Paz?! You can still beat Wendy! A Northwest can't lose to the lumberjack girl, right?!" 

"The hell with THAT!" Pacifica exclaimed. She whipped off her jacket and top.

"There we go! Nice little figure, Blondie!" Summer saw the scars across the small of her back. Some, most long healed. Eight, maybe nine years old. 

Morty called across the room. "Summer! Her nips! Check downstairs!" 

NOOO, thought Summer. She checked. "Her Goddamn LABIA! SOMEONE'S GOING TO DIE TONIGHT! DIPPER! WHO'S BEEN TORTURING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR TEN FUCKING YEARS?!'

"Probably her father! Preston Northwest! She's been conditioned! Pavlovian conditioning. He uses a little brass bell!"

"Preston Northwest, you are a fucking DEAD MAN! There are RULES! No torture! Clean kills!" Summer was livid!

"Everyone get dressed! I'll go get Rick!" Said Morty.

"We'll ALL get him!" Summer answered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't already worked it out, 🎵 indicates music. I use them in pairs like quotation marks.Inside a set of quotation marks it means the character is singing. Outside it indicates a piece of music is being heard. All rights revert to the writers, owners, etc. ASCAP/BMI. No profit is being made from this work. No malice intended.


	18. Stretch, Sugartits and Hatfield McCoy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick and Ford drink some more. McGucket and Pacifica arrive. That's it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ford hears about BirdPerson. McGucket is upset. Rick's not used to starting from sober, it's a different drunk.

The kids headed for the attic. Rick and Ford sat down at the kitchen table. "I'm sorry, Richard. I didn't mean to cause any friction between you and your grandchildren." He poured two more drinks. "Running low. These are my last bottles." 

"You're running out of LIQUOR?! The kids knew, they just didn't think! Idiots, like m-most people. No big (urp) thing. But, no BOOZE?! THAT'S unforgivable!" Rick was appalled.

"We'll just order some more. I think there's a liquor store that delivers. One moment." Ford walked into the living room and got on the phone. "Hello, Shorty's? You deliver, right? I'd like a case each..."

"Ahem!!"

"TWO cases each of Stoleechneeya and Marker's Make.......right....to the Mystery Shack, 618 Gopher road........ right, the Mystery Shack..................no..........no..........no, CASES! Yes......yes..........................no..........yes...........the Mystery Shack...618 Gopher road................no, Stoleechneeya....no......... yes, and Marker's Make.........no........"

Shit, thought Rick. It's a motherfucking Bob Newhart routine!

"......No....... Gopher road..... Gopher!............Go-pher!.....no....................yes........618..........yes........... Stoleechneeya!...CASES!............... Right..............yes, the Mystery Shack.........fine, thank you." Ford came back into the kitchen.

"Hi, Bob!" Grinned Rick, downing a shot.

"Very funny, Richard. Ha, ha. We should have reenforcements shortly."

"Think they can f-find the place, Fordsy? It didn't sound like the clerk could f-find his ass with both hands. We may want to consider getting something stronger, I don't know if you noticed but there's an oppressive feel in the air. I want to die more than usual. Lati. Psychic fallout. Got any pseudoephedrine? I m-may have to do some cooking."

"Richard! You are NOT turning my house into a meth lab!"

"Couldn't synthesize enough, Ford. It's affecting the entire hemisphere, epicenter your living room. North America, South America to about the Amazon, northern Europe, damn near all Siberia, northeastern China and Japan. We may have fucked up the industrialized nations. Korea's clear, Finland, M-mitteleuropa, Moscow, all (braap) fine. Fuck it! I'm going to wallow in it awhile. Tell me about that redheaded sidekick of your brother's, that'll cheer me up!"

"Wendy Cordduroy? I don't know her that well. I gather Mason was a bit obsessed with her last year, I'm not sure if I approve, she steals police cars. Her father built this place, the log cabin parts, anyway. Sixth generation lumberjack, wrestles bears for fun. She took first place in the Oregon young people's lumberjack games three years running. I figure she'll be about 6'2" fully grown. Her dad's 6'8" and 400 pounds. Three percent body fat. You saw him at the diner. He can bench press Stanley's car."

"Steals p-police cars, huh? I LIKE it! She'll fit right in with my reprobates! Redhead, adrenaline junkie, M-morty must be thrilled! His kind of woman! Mine, too, though she's a little (burp) young. Guess those condoms'll come in handy after all. And I thought he was a dreamer." 

"You think so, Richard?"

"I KNOW so! They're YOUNG, Fordsy! They think with their limbic (urp) systems! Humans, in the face of death w-wanna fuck! Survival instinct! Not always good for survival, though. That's how they got BirdPerson. Honeytrap."

"The Federation turned a birdwoman? But, BirdPlanet was one of the most secure planets in the quadrant. Remote, isolated, armed to the teeth! Switzerland in space!"

"No, she was human. Or a robot, I never knew for sure. The Federation m-managed to infiltrate an agent practically in my household, but her target was BirdPerson. She seduced him, convinced him to m-marry her, all because they knew who would be on that guest list. Out of the twenty-five or so survivors of Blood Ridge, seventeen of us were at that wedding! As far as I know I'm the only one still (braaap) breathing. Squanchy squanched out, was taking out Gromflomites right and left, Perro and Twizzy Numnam were still moving, but I don't know. Haven't heard from anyone since. At his WEDDING, Ford! His fucking WEDDING!" Rick finished the bottle he'd been nursing. The doorbell rang. Ford went to answer it.

At the door was a grizzled old man with a neatly trimmed white beard in a Hawaiian shirt, chinos and Huarache sandals. He wore green tinted glasses and a stereotypical hillbilly hat. At his side was a young blonde girl. Pacifica Northwest. "I got lost in that maze of a shack o' mine again, Stanford. Had to call Miss Northwest to guide me out. Then all o' my alarms started a'goin' off! Said a portal was a'openin' so I high-tailed it righst over here! When gravity falls and earth becomes sky, fear the beast with just one eye! You 'n' yourn all right?"

"More or less, Fiddleford. Come in, come in, I'm entertaining! There's a man I'd like you to meet. You as well, Miss Northwest. Dipper and Mabel arrived today, they're upstairs. Come meet an old friend of mine." Ford led them to the kitchen.

"That the liquor, Fordsy? Got a dead soldier here! Hah, dead soldiers! That's all w-we've been talking about! Wubba lubba dub dub, Fordsy!"

"Wubba lubba dub dub, Rick! Let me bury that soldier." Ford took the empty and threw it in the trash.

"Not fitting, fine upstanding ossifers like ourselves burying the dead, General! Let the rank and file do it!" Rick said, indicating McGucket and Pacifica.

"That's not the rank and file, Colonel! These are civilians! This is Fiddleford McGucket, the second-best engineer I know and Miss Pacifica Northwest, a friend of Mason and Mabel's. Fiddleford, this is Rick Sanchez, the best engineer I know. I stole McGucket from a consortium in Palo Alto, working on personal computers."

"Who the fuck are you? Jed M-magnum? No, I'm gonna call you Hatfield (burp) McCoy. Palo Alto? Know a douchebag in round glasses and b-black turtlenecks? Hey, sugartits, the orgy's upstairs! Go, you could use it! Fordsy, that is one tightass white bitch!" A knock came at the door.

"Miss Northwest, please join me." Said Ford. "I'd like to apologise for Mr. Sanchez, he's a bit under the weather."

"He's drunk as a lord!"

"Technically, he's drunk as a Sanchez. Oh, look, fuel for the fire." Ford said as he opened the door and welcomed the man from Shorty's liquor, who had a hand truck loaded with four cases of alcohol. "Right this way, young man." Ford said, leading him into the kitchen. He handed him a wad of bills and sent him on his way.

"... Don't rightly know, Stretch. I mighta known this Steve fella you're a-jawin' about, but my thinkin' bone's been swiss cheesafied by memory rays so much I can't rightly say!" McGucket drawled.

"Pretty sure you'd remember this asshole, McCoy. I should know, I AM that (braap) asshole in about eighty dimensions! Fordsy! Hatfield's a fucking deee-liight! Want a drink, Hatfield? We got good bourbon!"

"Niver touch the stuff, Stretch. Stanford, if everything's all right I'll be leavin'. It's Saturday night, I'm a-havin' a hootenanny! Comin', Miss Northwest?" 

"I'd like to stay and visit the twins, if I may, Dr. Pines. If that's alright with both you and Mr. McGucket."

"Suit yerself, missy. Be seein' ya, Stanford! Don't let the possums nibble on your undergrowth!" 

"Sugartits, I w-wasn't kidding about the orgy. Tell her, Fordsy."

"It's possible, Miss Northwest. I would certainly knock first."

Pacifica Northwest headed upstairs. She felt oppressed, like something was crushing her. The familiar chain of thought started, you're not good enough, you'll never be good enough, you can't be good enough, good enough isn't good enough, only best is good enough. Right, enough of that! You're going to see your favorite people. Orgy? The Pines twins? Ok, maybe Mabel. But Dipper? Poster child for sweaty nervousness? No way! Wonder what's up with drunken potty mouth? What's wubba lubba dub dub mean, they both used it like it was deep. She said it aloud. "Wubba lubba dub dub." Strange. For some reason, I feel better. She knocked on the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rick's right. McGucket is a deee-liight! So much fun to write. He's respectable, now! Nearly wears shoes! As we've seen, Pacifica's got a good reason to feel oppressed. She is. Bill's demise just adds another layer. Actual action next chapter, not just endless talky-talk.


	19. North By Northwest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pacifica makes a decision. She stands by it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We discuss Preston Northwest. Pacifica does some things.

Rick opened up a new bottle of vodka, and drained about a third in one draft. Ford did much the same with bourbon. There was a clattering on the stairs and the kids entered the kitchen. 

Morty placed a chunk of Kalaxxian crystal and the jury-rigged boombox on the table. "Here." He said. "For the psychic fallout."

"Nice, M-morty! I'm almost proud! Guess I won't have to do any cooking after all, Fordsy."

Summer acted as spokesman. "Grandpa Rick, we've got trouble! There's a torturer around!"

" Bad, but how is that OUR business? He torture you? Don't think so. Why the fuck should I care? None of my b-business. There's m-motherfucking shitheels everywhere, Summer! Not my job to deal with them."

"Not saying it is. But....oh, fuck, show him, Paz!" Pacifica lifted up her jacket and blouse, tugged down her skirt and leggings and displayed the cigar burns on her lower back. "She's got them on her nipples and God-damned labia, too! Fresh!" Continued Summer.

"I see. Sugartits, how old are you?" Rick asked.

"Nearly fourteen."

"So, since you were, what? Four, five? Person of authority, then. Person of trust. M-mother? Father? Nanny? Trusted caregiver? Shit, still none of my business, but I'm more inclined to take an interest."

"It was her father." explained Dipper. "Pavlovian training. He uses a little bell."

"No shit? Operant conditioning? Fuck, that may be worse than plain sexual deviancy. Not that I have room to talk about that. M-man's gotta have SOME (urp) hobbies. I'm still not convinced I should be involved." Rick replied.

"That's just it, grandpa Rick! You don't have to be! We've talked about it and Pacifica wants to do it herself! All you need to do is supply the weapon! Morty and I will be backup!" Summer said.

"You sure about this, Sugartits? Patricide shouldn't be entered into lightly!"

"Richard! I'm not going to stand idly by while you plan a murder in my kitchen!" Ford remonstrated.

"Then, don't. Get involved. What's her father like, Fordsy? Know him?" Rick inquired.

"I bought this land from him. Well, his realty company. He used to be the richest man in town. Owns a realty company, a mudflap factory, sits on several boards. He's actually kind of an idiot. Inherited. Mudflap factory's got several OSHA and EPA claims outstanding. Fed's will probably swoop in next month. Fool lost most of his fortune investing in the apocalypse." Ford explained. Much as he disapproved, he found it hard to resist pontificating.

"Now, Fordsy, I've made a tidy sum selling bullshit to p-paranoids. You wouldn't BELIEVE the (braap) contingencies I have in place! Well, YOU might. You know what kind of enemies I make. Fuck, that's why we're HERE!" Rick argued.

"I have a neutrino bomb proof bunker in the woods with sixty years of supplies. I'm not talking about emergency preparedness, I'm talking about investing in the actual apocalypse. While it was happening!"

"Well, that's just fucking STUPID! Either the world ends and you lose all your m-money, or the world doesn't (belch) end and you lose all your money. Lose-lose!"

"Exactly! Classic zero-sum game. That's the kind of man Preston Northwest is."

"So, Sugartits, you up for this? You have the right, call it self-defense, do you have the stones? You capable of killing daddy dearest?" Rick asked.

"Watch me." Pacifica replied, coldly.

"Right. What about mom? She in on it? She help? Can you orphan yourself? Or, is she an innocent bystander? A fellow victim? What's the deal there?" Rick continued.

"I don't THINK so. I think she's ignorant, maybe abused herself. I don't know." Pacifica allowed.

"Better find out. Mind if I use your lab, Fordsy? I've got an idea." Rick said.

"(Sigh) Go ahead. I might as well try to stop the wind from blowing, right?"

Rick disappeared. He returned about two minutes later with a strange device. It had a pistol grip and ended in what looked like the funnel from a vacuum cleaner with a prism mounted inside. "This is a truth ray. Point it at mommy dearest and find out what she knows. Better than scopolamine! You're rich. Any servants?"

"Two housekeepers and a cook. Not full time. No one will be home but mom and daddy. They don't know. Daddy daughter time was just for the two of us! For my own good! Had to be a proper subservient slave or no rich man would want me! Had to be married off properly! To a misogynistic rich bastard just like him! Love? That's for the riff-raff, the peasants, the hoi polloi! Which he wouldn't call them because he doesn't know what it means! Stupid!"

"Whoa! Calm down there, Sugartits! Angry people make mistakes. What about evidence? Fingerprints, that kind of shit? You got a plan?" Rick asked.

"I live there. It's MY house. If I leave fingerprints, so what? Don't worry, I have a plan. To start, Morty portals us over, so I can tell the cops I never set foot outside of the Mystery Shack tonight via any door, window, chimney or hole in the wall! Will that beat a polygraph, scopolamine, or your God damned truth ray?"

"Should do, Sugartits. I'm sold. You may be smart. Here." Rick handed her a P-780, the same gun he gave the twins earlier.

"What about us!?" Mabel asked.

"NO! I'm putting my foot down! Dipper and Mabel are NOT going to take part in a murder!" Ford shouted.

"I agree, Glitterface! My kids are professionals, they've done this kind of thing before. You're adventurers not criminals. Not yet." Rick stated.

"I'm sorry, Mabel, but I have to say no too. You MIGHT leave evidence. If Morty and Summer do, so what? They're not from around here. They're not even from this reality. But your fingerprints are on file with the Gravity Falls police, and since you milked our dog there's the restraining order. I'M willing to take the chance. I'm not willing for you guys to." Pacifica pled.

"Okay. But this is UNFAIR!!" Mabel fumed, sitting down at the table with her arms crossed. Morty grabbed the truth ray and he, Summer and Pacifica went into the living room.

"Life is unfair, Glitterface! Get used to it." Said Rick.

In the living room plans were being set. They were there to get their eyes used to darkness, Morty's idea. "All right."said Pacifica. "Mom's bed will be on the left. Summer, you cover her mouth and wake her. Morty you be ready with the truth ray. I'll hang back and cover dad. Depending on what we find out, we'll play it by ear."

Morty opened up a portal and they stepped through. Well, Morty and Pacifica did. Summer dove through, somersaulted, rolled and popped up on the left side of the left hand bed. Morty rolled his eyes and took up a position at the foot of the bed. Pacifica stayed back, eyes and gun trained on her father. Summer pulled out a switchblade, and placed her left hand over Priscilla Northwest's mouth. She gave her a gentle shake with the hand holding the switchblade.

"Wstfgl." Murmured Priscilla against Summer's hand.

"Shhh." Summer whispered. "Don't scream. We don't want to hurt you, but we will if we have to. It's alright, your daughter's right here. We have a few questions to ask you. Speak quietly, and look at my partner at the end of the bed." 

Priscilla sat up and looked at Morty. He pulled the trigger and there was a bright flash of blue light, edging toward the ultraviolet. Preston stirred in his sleep and turned away.

Summer continued whispering."First, I'm going to need a look under that nightgown. It's ok, I'm a woman, this is clinical. I need to check for scars."

Priscilla looked frightened, but noticed Pacifica and calmed down. She lifted up her nightgown.

"Scars all over. Burns, cuts, bruises." Summer reported. "Are these consensual? Did you want them?"

"They started out that way, but Preston has no regard for safe words. Wait, why am I telling you this? I promised myself I would never tell anyone! He beats me. I'm a thing, a trophy! He won me in a yacht race."

"Why did you let him do the same thing to your daughter?"

"He..... wait, what? Our daughter?" All attempts at quiet were lost. "MY DAUGHTER?! Preston!! YOU MONSTER!!" She launched herself at her husband, hands formed into claws, to tear and rend. Preston took the attack and flung her against a dresser, breaking one of her ribs. She slumped to the floor.

"Priscilla ! What is the meaning of this?! This behavior won't do! I'm calling the lawyers in the morning, no woman attacks a Northwest, it simply isn't done! We're getting a divorce! The very idea! Attacking a man?!"

"No one's getting a divorce, dad. Otherwise she won't inherit." 

"Pacifica! Are you behind this! No, this simply won't do!" He reached for a bell on the nightstand.

"Dad, I wanted to do this clean. But if you touch that bell, I'm shooting your balls off and letting you bleed out!"

Dingle, dingle, dingle.

PLOW!! A blue bolt flashed across the room. A red stain blossomed between Preston Northwest's legs. Pacifica stood, an icy look on her face. Preston looked at her. A confused expression on his face and said "Pacifica, why?" Those were his last words.

"Why? You torture mom, you torture me, you spent your life lying, cheating and hurting everyone around you! You treat people like things and things like everything! You ruin everything you touch! AND YOU ASK WHY?! I come offering mercy and you demand THIS! THIS IS WHY!! BECAUSE PRESTON NORTHWEST FUCKS UP EVERYTHING!!

There was a gurgle and the light faded from Preston Northwest's eyes. Pacifica ran to her mother. "Mom? Are you ok?"

Summer was on her cell phone. "Rick? Yeah it's done. We've got a problem, though.....right, mom was another victim........no, we're not taking her down!..........damn right Sugartits wouldn't like it! Did you bring the memory gun?..................... well, how am I supposed to know?...what...................who the fuck is Hatfield McCoy?.................no, I don't know who Jed Magnum is either............great, Morty'll come get it!...............she was fucking awesome! Seriously, it was like we were here with you!..........you bet! Later. Morty, portal back to the shack and pick up a device that eliminates memories. Ford has one, that'll take care of mommy dearest."

Morty portaled away. Pacifica was holding her mother, rocking her back and forth, saying "It's ok mom. It's over. Our nightmare is over. It's ok, we're ok, that's right, let it out." Priscilla Northwest just hung on to her daughter, weeping. "Mama, get dressed and pack a bag, you're leaving. Not too much, this isn't a pleasure trip! Favorites, though! And jewelry! ALL the jewelry! You're losing anything you don't take, but one bag! Two at the most! Come on, do what I say, trust me."

"But... You killed him! You just killed him!"

"For what he did to us! Don't worry, you won't remember, just do what I say!" Priscilla did as she was told, and packed a small overnight bag. Favorites and the real jewelry. 

Morty returned with an odd device mostly made of glass tubes. "Good news! Mabel says that whoever you use it on is VERY suggestible! Let's you plant new memories, even talents!"

"Perfect!" Pacifica exclaimed. "Mom, go down to the garage, get in the Escalade and wait for me! NOT the Rolls! I'll be down in a few minutes!" 

"Shit, what a mess!" Morty panicked. "What do we do now? When the police see this they'll freak! UFO's or some shit!" 

"No, they won't. I have a plan." Pacifica said as she pulled a large mirror off the wall so it shattered on Preston's body. She lifted it up, picked up a shard, hand wrapped in the sheet and drove it into Preston's crotch.She dropped the mirror again, rearranged the sheet, and left the room, saying "follow me." She led Morty and Summer down to the garage, where Morty set the memory gun to eliminate the last 24 hours, found her mother waiting in the Cadillac and said "Mom, look at me." She used the gun and continued. "Mom, it's Friday, May 31st. You got in a HUGE fight with dad, he threw you against the dresser in the bedroom and you decided you've had enough! You sent me to stay with the Pines', and are going home to grandmama in Texas. You're going to drive like a bat out of hell through Idaho, Nevada and Arizona. When the police call you tomorrow, and they will, you'll tell them that. If they call before noon, tell them you're on the PCH, north of L.A. If they call after noon you're on the 10 west of Palm Springs. Once you reach Phoenix, drive the speed limit. Take care of yourself, I'm going to need you. I'm going to run the companies and you're going to have to be my proxy. Got all that?

"Yes, Pacifica. I got in huge fight with Preston, the son of a bitch hurt me and I sent you to your friends place. I'm driving like a madwoman where there's no traffic but when the police call I'm in California. But I'm not, really. I'm going home. Home!"

"Right! Get going mom! I love you!" 

"Love you too, sweetheart! Bye!"

"Follow me!" Pacifica led them down to the basement, grabbed a tarp, used it to keep from getting fingerprints on three canisters of propane she moved under the breaker box. She opened one slightly, draped the tarp over the breaker box and the tanks of propane and proceeded to shoot the breaker box. It caught fire, the tarp caught fire, the drapes on the nearby window caught fire.

"Jeez!" Said Morty. "You weren't kidding, you had a plan! Summer, we're in the presence of greatness!" 

"I told you! Take us home, Morty!" Morty opened a portal and they all went through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised action. The tags promise major character death. Here you go. Preston may have created another Rick, not super intelligent but close enough. She SAID she had a plan!


	20. Bottom End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick, Ford, Dipper, Mabel and Wendy await the return of the away team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A discussion of preferred names and embouchure. Bottom end. Pacifica impresses.

"Okay. But this is UNFAIR!!" Mabel fumed, sitting down at the table with her arms crossed. Morty grabbed the truth ray and he, Summer and Pacifica went into the living room.

"Life is unfair, Glitterface! Get used to it." Said Rick.

"BOO! That's a really parent-y thing to say, Rickster! I expect better than platitudes and rehashed bullshit from some second rate dramady! I thought YOU were different!" Mabel said.

"I'm still a fucking parent and grandparent, Glitterface. You should be honored I b-bother to share my wisdom with you, you psycho (braap) bitch!" Rick snapped. He took another drink. A green light and the sound of a portal drifted in from the living room.

Dipper tried changing the subject. "So, Rick, are Morty and Summer your apprentices or something?"

"Morty and Summer are major pains in my ass, Mason! Thorns in my side! Never have kids, Mason. Love is a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Mason, then fades away, leaving you in a failing m-marriage. I did it, my daughter did it, M-morty'll do it. Rise above, Mason! Focus on science! No, that's not fair. I've had a shitty (erp) day. I use Morty for psychic camouflage, and Summer, well, Summer's fun!" Rick answered.

"Mason, my offer still stands. I will be pleased to have you as my apprentice. I would be happy to take on both your AND Mabel's education. Now that I actually know your parents, I don't believe we would have a problem." Ford interjected.

"Bad idea, General! Kids need socialization. They need to go through Junior High and High school, where they get treated like shit by other kids and treat other kids like shit to turn them in to functional human beings! Home schooled kids either wind up p-passive or psychopathic." Rick said.

"Mr. Sanchez may be right, Great Uncle Ford. I like track, Mabel rules art club, we'll use our summers to get ahead of the curve with your help. Sound good? Also, please just call me Dipper."

"Aw, bro! Don't turn our summers into school!" Complained Mabel.

"Classes with Grunkle Ford are cool, Mabes! UFO's, cave paintings, blowing shit up! You'll love it!"

Rick's phone rang. "WHAT?!" He shouted into it. "Let me guess, a witness..........take her down!..... right, Sugartits wouldn't like it.....................no, I didn't bring the fucking memory gun, do you think I bring everything with me everywhere?"

"Richard, a memory gun to remove memories? I have one, Fiddleford gave me a prototype."

"Wait...Fordsy has one, he got it from Hatfield McCoy.............. you know, Jed Magnum................ anyway, Ford has one.................. how'd Sugartits do, by the way.............................................no shit, that good, huh..................ok."  
He hung up. "Snafu, General. Op may go tits up without a memory gun. Goal attained, target down! Mommy dearest was a victim too, but seems to be freaked out by the op results."

"Dipper, go to my study. On the desk you should find a memory gun." Dipper left and returned with the memory gun.

"Wait, I thought I broke that!" Mabel said.

"That was Fiddleford's original, used by the society of the blind eye. He gave me a backup years ago." Ford responded.

Morty portaled in. "You have some sort of m-memory eraser? Mom had no idea, she was a victim herself, tried to kill him when she found out! He just threw her into a piece of furniture, and tried to use the bell on Pacifica. Pissed her off. She shot his p-package off and let him bleed out. Not exactly clean, but she was provoked. Don't know what the cops'll make out of a rich man with his dick burned off by a P-780. Pacifica says that she has a plan." 

Dipper showed Morty the memory gun. "Ok, you enter either the event you want forgotten or a time frame here, point it at the subject's head and hold the trigger about three seconds."

"It's p-primative, Morty. It may cause dain bramage!" Rick mentioned.

"Can you implant new memories?" Morty asked.

"Oh sure!" Mabel said. "They get REAL suggestible! We kinda wiped Blind Ivan's identity away, I told him that he was Toot-Toot McBumbersnazzle, banjo minstrel! Like, two weeks later he was opening the Woodstick festival! He was really good, too! I think Wood Siding on Everything got him a record deal!"

"Yeah!" added Wendy. "That bald mother totally ROCKED the banjo! Word is, Toot-Toot McBumbersnazzle and the Handlebar Brothers will headline day two this year!"

"Great! Another Mumford and Sons! Fuck!" Rick muttered.

Morty portaled away with the gun.

"So," asked Rick. "this b-banjo guy. Clawhammer or (belch) three-finger?"

"I have NO idea what you mean, dude!" Wendy answered.

"Modified three-finger. Earl Scraggs meets Bela Flenck." Said Dipper, surprising everyone.

"You play, Mason?" Queried Rick.

"That's Dipper, Mr. Sanchez." Replied Dipper

"That's Rick, Mason. Don't mister me."

"As long as I'm Mason, you're Mr. Sanchez."

"You little fucking shit! Deal, Dipper!"

"Deal, Rick!" 

"Yeah, he does!" Mabel interrupted. "He plays >snicker< sousaphone!"

"Nothing wrong with that, Glitterface. I play bass myself. Gotta have that bottom end! I like a big bottom end! Besides, if you play tuba, you play trumpet, cornet and maybe trombone. It's a matter of embouchure."

"Fingerings different. I don't play slide." Dipper said.

"No problem. Valves are valves. You can work on fingering." 

"Is it just me, or is all this talk about bottom ends and fingering arousing anyone?" Mabel wondered.

"Mabel...." Started Ford.

"Grunkle Ford, it's Mabel. Might as well try to keep the wind from blowing." Dipper said.

A portal opened and Pacifica, Morty and Summer came through. "How bad you fuck up?" Rick asked.

"Grandpa Rick, it went like motherfucking clockwork! Paz is BORN to command. She went in, took charge, improvised, solved problems and we're here, smelling like roses. I want to BE Pacifica Northwest when I grow up, she's that good!"

"I'll believe it when I see it. Evidence?" 

"Being taken care of. Wait for it" Morty smirked.

"Wait for it?! What kind of harebrained scheme did Sugartits come up with?"

BOOM! BOOMBOOM!

"There we go!" Summer said.

Dipper ran out on the porch. "The Northwest house seems to be on fire! It's a big one, three alarm already! There goes the roof!" 

Pacifica sat down at the table and poured herself a shot of vodka. "Summer, Morty, I don't want ANY of us setting foot outside until tomorrow!"

"See? She's still in command!" Summer gloated.

"Mom wanted brick. But daddy insisted on wood from the 1860's. Insulated with pitch, old school. You wouldn't BELIEVE the insurance premiums! Such a tragedy. Electrical fire, tinderbox of a house, foom! And right after his wife left him, too. Incidentally, I've been here since yesterday morning. Mom sent me here after they got in a fight and he broke her ribs. Threw her against the dresser. She took off for home, a leisurely drive down the Pacific Coast highway. Going to Texas, the long way around. Sent me here to keep me safe. So sad, wife and daughter left him. Suicide, maybe?" Pacifica said.

"Jeez, Sugartits. How long you been planning this?" Rick asked. 

"I take the fifth." Pacifica replied, pouring herself another shot. "Oh, and Rick?"

"Yes?"

"STOP CALLING ME SUGARTITS! I HAVE HAD A SHITTY DAY, I JUST KILLED MY FATHER AND I STILL HAVE A GUN! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?! You can call me Miss Northwest or Pacifica! My friends call me Paz! You can call me Pacifica!"

Sure, Su- um, Pacifica. First Dipper, now you! Touchy people 'round here! Threaten me with my own gun! Nice! Threats and blackmail. You know, Fordsy, I'm really starting to feel at home here!"

Sirens were finally heard. Dipper was still reporting from the porch. "Fire trucks are finally coming, but there's pretty much nothing left. Right, they're focusing on the neighboring houses. Making sure it doesn't spread. Okay, NOW they're putting out the remaining flames. What exploded?"

"Poorly stored propane. Well, we couldn't keep it OUTSIDE, daddy wasn't that popular. People remember he sold them out to Bill Cipher. We'd get a flaming bag of dogshit about once a week. I'm surprised that the place hasn't gone up already." Pacifica explained.

Rick was cutting up some K-Lax. "Fordsy, ready for something to take the edge off? I still want to die m-more than usual. Lati fucking (burp) you up? Kids? Need a bump? Miss Northwest, I believe that you deserve a line!" 

Ford swayed and his head fell onto the table with a bump. "Buzzkill down! Red, help me stash him in the living room. NOW the party can start!" Wendy and Rick arranged Ford in Stan's chair. 

They returned, everyone had some K-Lax, 🎵 Put your right foot forward and your left foot back. Then fuckin' slide around like on a NordicTrack™. Move to the left, step to the right. Wiggle your elbows and look up into the light.  
It's the...  
It's the...  
It's the Rick Dance  
It's the...  
It's the...  
It's the Rick Dance🎵

When Rick's head cleared, Morty was fucking Wendy on the kitchen floor, Mabel and Summer were locked in sixty-nine, and Dipper and Pacifica seemed to be off somewhere. He wasn't going to bother looking for them. He settled back to listen to Traflorkian trip-hop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can hear the voices again. I enjoy this one. Dipper and Pacifica demanding respect from Rick. Threats and blackmail.


	21. A Tender Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper and Pacifica spend some quality time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dipper recapitulates our story so far. Pacifica discusses feelings. Things happen.

When the blue hit again, Pacifica grabbed Dipper's hand and led the way back up to his attic room, while Rick was doing that weird dance and Morty and Wendy started taking each other's clothes off. Once there, they sat down on his bed and Pacifica wrapped him up in a hug as if he would disappear, just evaporate, if her grip loosened the slightest bit. Dipper hugged her back with almost the same urgency.

Dipper's head cleared first. He was in his room, Pacifica Northwest in his arms, missing her boots, leggings and underwear. There was a trail of clothing leading from the door to his bed. Also, a lumpy grey and orange futuristic pistol, a pair of grey shorts and a set of tidy whiteys. He realized that he too was naked from the waist down. The girl in his arms was burrowing her face into his shoulder making mewling noises. He held her and rocked her gently, trying not to think about the erection he had. She lifted her head, looked into his eyes and he saw the blue slowly disappear from the whites of her eyes. "Hey, Paz," he said "you ok?" 

Pacifica blinked a few times and looked around the room. "I've been better. It's been one hell of a day!"

"Tell me about it! You have no idea what's been going on here. Mabel and I come back, hoping for a quieter summer, but no way that's going to happen! The place gets invaded by federal agents, again, they all kill themselves, Valkyries come to take three of them away, actual Valkyries! Opera music and everything! One offers Mabel a job! Then, Rick, Summer and Morty show up. He's an old friend of Great Uncle Ford's, they fought a war together! In another dimension! Or lots of other dimensions! I'm not totally clear! One thing I am clear on is that in one day, they killed more people than have ever existed on the earth! Or Grobfomites. Or something. They brought down the Galactic government! THEN they decide that Bill Cipher's still around and they better take care of that! So they do! We all do, but it was mostly them! They just call him up, and we shoot him down! Rick had Bill scared shitless! BILL CIPHER! Rick and Ford are so casual about it, they decide to go out to dinner! Rick fixed Lazy Susan's eye. Everyone starts feeling depressed, I swear, I thought about taking a razor blade to my wrists, I felt so guilty about starting Weirdmageddon, Mabel was worse! Blamed herself! YOU know what Mabel's like, she's the most positive person in the world! Summer says that it's all because of Bill, what we need to do is have a PARTY! Morty disappears and comes back with enough drugs to kill the state of Oregon, we all get freaky! Then YOU show up, it turns out you've been tortured most of your life, God, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Paz, I didn't know! Summer goes ballistic, the next thing I know is that the three of you go off and do whatever you did! Did you REALLY shoot your dad's nards off? So, yeah, one hell of a day!"

"Wait, what? The Master was HERE?"

"The Master?" 

"That's what daddy called him. Our family's been making deals with him for generations, it's why we're so rich. Or were so rich. Daddy kind of fucked that up. That's what I told him, Preston Northwest fucks EVERYTHING up! Wait, that must be what happened to the tapestry, you guys shoot him down and it goes up in flames! I thought you beat him already."

"He's hard to keep down. He was hiding in Grunkle Stan's mind. Rick says he'll be back, but it'll take about two million years. Somebody else's problem."

"Oh, Dipper! I thought I had a bad day! Daddy was being insistent on getting the Bell working today. He's been trying ever since the party, when I finally stood up to him! Since he thought I had feelings for you, he's been paying attention to my, um, my ' lady parts'."

"Oh, God! Pacifica I'm so, SO sorry! I never meant to hurt you! It's all my fault again!"

"Dipper, he wasn't wrong! I, I DO have feelings for you! I've never met anyone like you! You're not afraid of me, you stand up to me, you don't WANT anything from me! Most of my 'friends' just see me as a free ride! A meal ticket! Or they're afraid of me and I don't blame them, I can be an AWFUL person! But you, you don't let me push you around! You stand up to me! Not only that, you stand up FOR me! You believe in me! No one's ever believed in me! Not my parents, not my teachers, not ANYONE! I'm Pacifica Northwest, spoiled little rich bitch! Better let her have her way or you'll get sued! But no one, no one ever believed in me! Until you!"

"Don't be that way! You're Jackie the Elf-Bandit! You're smart and quick and funny and beautiful! Maybe not the best under pressure, 'shaved dogs that can talk' wasn't your finest moment, but you're very good! Like I keep telling you, you're more than just a pretty face!"

"You see? This is what I mean! I cost you and your sister your faces and you're still nice to me! You Pines' are unbelievable! I was nothing but horrible to Stan my whole life but when I'm running through the woods terrified, wearing nothing but a potato sack, who takes me in? Stan! I make fun of Ford's plan and he just agrees that it would make a pretty fun game of hopscotch! I treat Mabel like crap since I met her and she saves my life! What is it with you guys?"

"It's what you do! You make a mess, you clean it up! Weirdmageddon was the Pines' fault, so we fixed it! Mr. What's-His-Face was your fault, so you fixed it. Stuff happens! I once raised the dead. Mabel specifically told me not to, but I did! We fixed it!" 

"This is why I love you! Dipper Pines, I think I'm in love with you!" She kissed him then, on the lips. It lasted, becoming more passionate.

"You know, that was my first real kiss." Dipper said.

"Really?! What the hell were you doing, when I knocked on your door?"

Dipper blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, technically, I guess I was kissing girls. And, technically I guess it was on the lips. Just not those lips."

"Uh-huh. I notice that we're not wearing any pants. Ya wanna SHOW me what you were doing, nerd-boy? Technically?"

"You sure? You said that your 'lady parts' were being, well, abused."

"I think I would like it if my 'lady parts' were touched by someone who never wanted to hurt me."

"If you're sure. Wendy says that you're a lucky girl and I think she's kind of an expert on what I'm going to try."

"Oh, right! Lumberjack girl! She going to be a problem?"

"She's one of my best friends. She's saved my life several times. She was my first crush. I don't want any trouble between you, she said something about coming to an accommodation with you."

"If she's that important to you, I guess I can shar."

"Share, Paz. The word is share."

"HA! Gotcha, nerd-boy! Now, let's see why I'm a lucky girl, all right?"

Let's see, thought Dipper. α, β, γ, δ....

"That's just weird. This just feels weird" Pacifica opined. "Nice, but weird. Ooh! Getting nicer. Oh. Oh, my! No, no, no, right THERE! NO! DON'T GO AWAY! OH! Okay, I guess this works. But.....yeah, there you go! NO! Stay there, damn it! Wait, oh, this, oh, is, oh working! Oh! OH, OH, OH, OHOHOHOHOOOHOOOOOHOOOOOOOHYEAH! OH! AHHH! Wow! Is that supposed to happen?" 

"I think so." 

Pacifica reached for Dipper's penis. "Now, what do we do with this guy? He goes in there, right?"

"If you're sure. Let me wrap him up, first." Dipper found a condom from the several spilled on the floor. 

"Oh!" Cried Pacifica. "That's different! It's nice too. Not as intense." 

Dipper picked up speed, going a little deeper. Passions flared, Dipper spent himself and Pacifica had her second orgasm ever, about eight seconds later. (Having had her first, just before, somewhere around Yod. Dipper had finished Greek and moved on to Hebrew).

"Well!" Said Pacifica. "I guess I see what the fuss is about!" 

"Yeah," Agreed Dipper. "Not bad, right? Mabel said that I had a shot with you if I came correct"

"What do you think I've been telling you, dummy! You came correct from the start! Idiot! Adorable idiot!"

So Pacifica Northwest lost her virginity to someone she was sure she loved. Dipper Pines lost his to someone he respected and believed he could come to love. And really, who could ask for anything more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going for sweet. I don't DO sweet, so sorry if this failed. Dipcifica warms the cockles of my sad, black, shriveled old heart.


	22. Lame Jokes and Impossible Sex Acts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Ford is passed out the party gets started. Change partner, do-si-do, throw a ringer, there you go!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music is played. The party carries on. A wager is made. HOT BELGIAN WAFFLES!

Rick decided that he was tired of Traflorkian Trip-hop. He browsed through the MP3 player until he found something with a little life.

🎵 Come with it now! Come with it now!  
The microphone explodes, shattering the molds  
Either drop the hits like de la O or get the fuck off tha commode 🎵

Morty looked up. "Really, Rick? Rage? I'm trying to have a ro-romantic moment, here!"

"Rage is perfect for a romantic moment, M-morty. EVERYTHING'S b-better with Rage!" 

🎵 Rally 'round the family with a pocket full of shells  
They rally 'round the family with a pocket full of shells  
They rally 'round the family with a pocket full of shells  
They rally 'round the family with a pocket full of shells 🎵

"I LIKE it! I've never heard ANYTHING like this before! It's so ANGRY! Summer Shower, let's take a break! I need to replenish my fluids!" Mabel said. Summer rolled off of her and Mabel got some OJ from the refrigerator, poured it in a glass and added a dollop of vodka. 

"Good idea, Mabes! I am drained! You were right about our new friend, he's unstoppable!" Wendy said, gently pushing Morty off and pouring herself some whiskey. "That'll get my Irish back up! Mabes, I don't know if you want to lose your virginity to Morty, there. He might ruin you for other men. Relentless!"

"I warned you, Axe-Girl! My brother's a fucking machine!" Summer put in.

"The same way Summer's ruined me for other women?! Take a shower, Wen-wen! A Summer Shower! Know what, I'll take my chances! BANZAI !! COWABUNGA!!" Mabel cried, as she launched herself at Morty, who turned and found a blur of pink flesh and flowing long brown hair flying through the air at him. He braced himself, and Mabel came down, legs spread, and impaled herself on his erection. Morty cradled her body, shoulders and ass, much like he had earlier. "YES!! MABEL PINES STICKS THE LANDING!! Woo! That stings! Guess I'm not a virgin anymore!"

🎵 Hook!  
White Lines, Visions, dreams of passion  
Blowing through my mind, And all the while I think of you  
High price, A very strange reaction  
For us to unwind, The more I see, the more I do  
Something like a phenomenon, Baby!  
Telling your body to come along, but white lines blow away  
Blow! Rock it! Blow! 🎵

"Why do you hate me, Mabel? First my nose, now my dick!" Morty said, sitting down on one of the kitchen chairs, still carrying the brunette. "Ok, but you're going to have to cowgirl it for a while. I am BRUISED!"

Rick was laughing hysterically. "Bennett? I think she BROKE it!" 

"Jesus, Summer! What did you DO to this girl? She is WET!" Morty asked.

"I'm just that good, Morty! Study your alien languages and you too, can be a cunning linguist!"

"Ouch! Oof! I surrender! So...many...lame...jokes." Morty laughed.

Summer stood up. "This is all very well and good for you two, but what about me? What about Summer Shower? Doesn't she get fucked? Where's Dipper?" She asked.

"Sug-, um, Pacifica d-dragged him off somewhere right (braap) after we took the K-Lax, Summ-summ. Right, Red?" Rick replied.

Wendy took another shot of whiskey. "Rick, dude, Rick-dude, every asshole in the world calls me 'Red', since I was, like, four years old. You quit calling Dipper Mason, you're not calling Pacifica Sugartits anymore. I know it's stupid, but can I be Sugartits? That would be like, way cool!"

"You have a p-point. 'Red' IS kind of lame. Everyone! Red has been promoted to Sugartits! Make a note of it!" 

"Thanks, dude! I appreciate it!"

"Oh, fuck you all!" Summer huffed. "Screw it! I'm going to go wake up that Stan guy! Maybe HE knows how to treat a lady!"

"Great idea, Summer Shower! Grunkle Stan could USE some sugar! Just be careful! If you just waltz into his room, he might shoot you!" Mabel said, still rhythmically pounding away at Morty. 

"I'll take my chances! Where is he?"

"Second floor, first door on the left!"

🎵 Knock, knock, you bring such a shudder  
Talk, talk and try not to stutter  
Chameleon changing its color  
The world lost out to the number  
Composed of cold, cold machines  
Disguised as human beings  
Disguised as human beings  
Because I want  
And I don't know what I want  
But when I want it, I want it! 🎵

"Pretty Girls Make Graves? Now you're just being needlessly obscure, Rick!" Morty ventured.

"More obscure than Blonde Redheads or Chaos Chaos? Not by much! I like what I like!" Rick replied.

Summer took off, up the stairs. Stan was sleeping, the best sleep he'd had in months. He was dreaming, dreaming of a strawberry blonde who was unconcerned with weapons and threats of violence. The kind of woman he thinks he might of known years before when he was hitting banks with.... with... It's gone. So much memory gone. A skinny guy with blue hair? He heard his door opening and years of life on the road took over. He sat bolt upright, wide awake, holding the snub-nosed .38 he kept under the pillow. 

"Hey, Stan! I'm Summer, I don't think we've been properly introduced. Oh, how cute! A snub-nosed .38 special! Haven't been on the wrong end of one of those in a while! So, anyway, I'm lonely and Mabel says you could use some sugar. Sound good?"

Stan Pines looked at the naked strawberry blonde eighteen year old in his doorway. "Am, am I still dreaming?" He asked.

"You were DREAMING about me?! That's SWEET! How was it, any good? Let's see!" Summer climbed under the covers with him. "Nice! Pretty good dream, Stan! I betcha reality is better!"

"HOT BELGIAN WAFFLES!!"

Meanwhile, downstairs...

"Glitterface, that was impressive! I have never seen anything like that! Trust me, you don't want to KNOW a lot of the things I've seen! Morty, did it hurt as much as it looked like?" Rick was astounded by the flying Mabelinnda act.

"Now that I've had a few minutes, it wasn't pain as much as shock. Who could expect an actual flying fuck?" Morty explained.

"Why are you asking, Rickster?! Does Ricksy business want to give it a try?!" Mabel looked the old man over. " 'Cause Mabel is willing to make that happen!"

"I don't fuck children, Glitterface. Besides, that was a once in a lifetime long shot. There's no way you could do that again!"

"BAWK! BAWKBAWK! Do I hear a chicken?! I bet you a hundred bucks I can sink a ringer on you, Rick!" 

"Mabel, he's a lot bigger than I am. Also, he's a lot bigger than I am, if you catch my drift. I'm an ordinary, average guy. Rick is HUNG." Morty tried to discourage this. Someone could get hurt! 

"Put your money where your mouth is, bitch! There is no fucking way you can do that again! I'll give you odds!"

"Morty, you about done?!"

"I can be."

"Good, I've never left a guy high and dry yet, I'm not a TEASE! But I've got business to attend to! Your grandfather is going DOWN!"

Morty shuddered and finished. Mabel got a bill from her skirt and slapped it on the table. 

"Nice try, Glitterface! Deal's off! I may be new to this dimension, but I recognize bad queer when I see it! Ben Franklin looks like a woman!"

"Dirty snarfinwackerflax! Old men who recognize counterfeit, what's the world coming to?!" Mabel muttered. She grabbed five twenties and put them on the table. "Can't blame a girl for trying, right?! There you go, asshole! Legal tender! Happy?!"

"Ec-fucking-static! I'm SO sure that this can't be done I'll bet (erp) THIS!" Rick laid a large dull grey disc on the table.

"How is betting a pewter medal with, I'll admit, a pretty good engraving of a wide mouthed lizard frog thing with eyes on stalks giving odds on one-hundred actual dollars?!" Mabel protested.

"That, my dear lady, is a ten flurbo coin. That is seven ounces of p-pure p-platinum." Rick pulled the computer from his pocket. "Computer. Spot check current price of platinum in current (belch) dimension." 

"Spot check. Current price of platinum on earth in dimension forty-six apostrophe backslash is one thousand four hundred ninty dollars per ounce." 

"So, ten thousand four hundred and thirty actual dollars, b-bitch! Is one hundred to one good enough odds for you?"

"Oh, you are SO on!" Mabel exclaimed. 

"Fine. Sugartits, you hold the stakes." Rick handed the five bills and coin to Wendy, who had just put her flannel shirt back on. She slipped it in the pocket.

"So Glitterface, how're we doing this?"

" I just have one, no, TWO conditions! One, Summer has to get me ready to go and two, you have to present yourself with a raging hard-on, ready to go. I'm sure we can manage that SOMETIME this weekend!"

"Fair enough, Glitterface, to the victor belongs the spoils!"

Steps were heard coming down the stairs.

🎵 Her daddy was a bank robber  
But he never hurt nobody  
He just loved to live that way  
And he loved to steal your money  
Some is rich, and some is poor  
And that's the way the world is  
But I don't believe in laying back  
Sayin' how bad your luck is  
So he came to jazz it up  
Never loved to shovel  
Break your back to earn your pay  
And don't forget to grovel  
Her daddy was a bank robber  
But he never hurt nobody  
He just loved to live that way  
And he loved to take your money 🎵

So, Mabel Pines lost her virginity by performing a ridiculous, potentially dangerous and technically impossible act. And Morty Smith lost his virginity (for the third time) by sheer dumb luck to the kind of woman he always wanted to. And really, what could be more in character?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Non canon music. I can still imagine it on R&M. Kinda labeled with the artist. White Lines mentioned way back in chapter four. Only thing I didn't label is Bankrobber/Robber Dub by the Clash at the end. Oh, wait, I just did. If you don't know the music, go check it out, I'll wait. Good, huh? What's the point of writing cartoon porn if you don't throw in an impossible sex act now and again? (Still can't write sex scenes. I'm putting a lot of trust in your dirty minds.)


	23. Lee and Rico, 100 Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A music tutorial. Memories return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rick and Stan remember Rico and Lee. Stanchez.

Dipper and Pacifica came into the kitchen, hand in hand. Mabel squeed in fangirl delight. "Yes! YES!! I called it! MATCH MADE! Mazel tov, you two! When's the wedding?!" 

"Mabel, what have I told you about that? Don't be planning my wedding! I don't have a butler anymore, but I'll still break your legs!" Pacifica threatened.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! It didn't mean anything, no big deal, yada, yada, yada! Bullshit! YOU DID THE DEED! Me, too! Paz! Did it hurt?! Mine stung like a bitch! Got two points though! Perfect ringer!" Mabel enthused.

"Of course it hurt, you idiot! I've got BURNS down there! But, it was pretty nice as well. Wait, what? Two points?" Pacifica was confused.

"Yeah, she got a ringer, not a leaner. Long story." Morty didn't explain.

"If you kids are finished obsessing over your sex lives, I have a couple of things that I'd like Dipper and M-mabel to (urp) listen to." Rick said.

"Oh, great, here we go! Rick's in a play weird shit n-no one wants to hear m-mood. What brought this on?" Morty complained.

"Dipper PLAYS, M-morty! Glitterface was making fun of his ax of choice. Figured I'd play some (belch) examples, show 'em what you can do with a sousaphone." Rick replied.

"Okay, I'm intrigued. Didn't know we had any sousaphone." Morty said. 

"We've got everything, dipshit! Ok, here we go!""

🎵 Knocked up 9 months ago  
And what she finna have she don't know  
She want neo-soul, this hip-hop is old  
She don't want no rock-n-roll 🎵

"So, what am I listening for, exactly?" Dipper asked.

"It's the Roots! Bottom end, Dipper."

"Rhythm guitar's nice. Wait! There's no bass! That's a sousaphone!" Dipper exclaimed.

"Yup. ?uest and Tuba Gooding Jr. handling all your riddem needs!" Rick said.

🎵 And I'm a gaddang rollin' stone  
I don't beg I can hold my own  
I don't break I can hold the chrome  
And this weighin' a ton and I'm a son of a gun 🎵

"It beats Straight Blanchin', but it's not my thing. I bet Soos would love it!" Wendy stated.

"I'm not sure about the lyrics! The guy's just running around town, getting people pregnant?! Not cool!" Mabel said.

"Don't be such a w-white girl, Glitterface! You sound like (braap) Fordsy."

🎵 I would name her Rock-N-Roll yeah  
I would name it Rock-N-Roll 🎵

"Ok, tuba in popular music. Who knew?" Dipper said. "What's next?"

Roll up, roll up, roll up! Sharman's...

Morty turned off the MP3. "No, nope, naw, nyet, uh-uh, no way! There's psychic fallout from a class two Eldritch Abomination, and you want to play 'Jimmy Sharman's Boxers'? Imperialism, slavery, M-midnight Oil at their preachy worst? AND there's no tuba! Wh-what's the deal, Rick?"

"The deal, Morty, is I'm p-playing this song to play the next one! 'Bakerman' needs context! Besides, in my head they go together. It'll be (erp) fine!" Rick hit play. Drums. Two chords rang out.

🎵 From the red dust north of Dalmore Downs  
Sharman's tents roll into town  
Twelve will face the auctioneer  
Sharman's Boxers stand their ground  
Their days are darker than your nights  
But they won't be the first to fall  
Children broken from their dreams  
But they won't be the first to fall 🎵

"I dunno, this is a lot more my style of music!" Said Wendy. 

"Powerful. Those drums." Ventured Dipper. 

Rick and Morty both laughed. "Wait for it!" They said together.

"It's so SAD! Darker than your nights, won't be the first to fall! Does it get better?!" Mabel lamented.

"Yes!" Said Rick.

"No." Said Morty. "Ok, it gets b-better, it just doesn't get any happier!" 

🎵 Why are we fighting for this?  
Why are you paying for this?  
You pay to see me fall like shrapnel  
To the floor  
What is the reason for this?  
Is there a reason for this?  
What is the reason they keep coming back for more? 🎵

"WOAH! THOSE DRUMS! I see what you mean! Wait! There IS tuba! And two, make that three trumpets." Dipper said. Mabel had tears rolling down her cheeks. Wendy had a huge grin and was pacing back and forth around the room.

"Whoa!" Said Rick. "Remind me to never let Sugartits hear bagpipes! We'll have a one woman war on our hands!"

"What was that crack, Rick?" Wendy asked, cracking her knuckles.

"If just a tattoo gets you that hyped up, b-bagpipes would send you over the top, Sugartits! It hits some Celts that way." Rick explained.

🎵...is there a reason they keep coming back for mo-ore?🎵 A jaunty little tune started up, all horns and clarinet.

"Is this the same band? That's straight oom-pah, I could play this in my sleep. This is practically klezmer!" 

Mabel brightened up. "Happy music! Oh. It got dark."

"Major to minor, kid. That's songwriting!" 

"I see why you wanted these together, Rick. They seem to GO together, but you can't believe it's the same band. See, Mabel? Don't make fun of my sousaphone!"

"Okay, you can do amazing things with your nerd bugle! Can we listen to something else now?! PLEASE?!" Mabel begged.

"Ok, Glitterface! Just don't listen to the lyrics, white girl! Just the music!"

🎵 X gon give it to ya  
He gon give it to ya  
X gon give it to ya  
He gon give it to ya 🎵

"Cool! Workout music! Who we beating up, Grandpa Rick?" Summer walked into the room, followed by Stan in his boxers, wifebeater and robe. "What the hell is going on here? You ok, pumpkin?" He asked.

"Yeah! Rick just made me listen to tuba!"

Rick was leaning back in his chair, evil grin on his face. It had all come back to him. "Hey, Lee! See you're still rolling the same shitty ride! Remember (burp) me?"

Stan stared. That dream! He remembered! "Rico! I've got your money, Rico! Don't set your goons on me!"

"I don't w-want your money, Lee! I don't have any goons, the only goon I ever had was you! C'mere, Asshole!" The two old men embraced, but it was much different than Rick and Ford. For starters, they kissed, a deep kiss with lots of tongue. Stan grabbed Rick's ass and Rick wrapped one leg around Stan. The kids all stared in wonder, awe and fear. The two men stepped back, still holding each other's shoulders. 

"Shit, you got old, chingaso!"

"At least I didn't get (urp) fat!"

"Is that K-Lax I see on the table? What, you're having a party and didn't invite me? You motherfucker!" Stan said.

"You're here, aren't you? I d-don't know, Lee, my own personal granddaughter gets you up, I'm still pimping for you, I'm whoring my fucking family, and all you can do is bitch! Summer, he did get up, right?"

"Oh, yeah, he got up! Twice! He's actually really sweet grandpa, how the fuck do YOU know him?" 

"Bank robbery, drug dealing, assorted felonies. You know, the (braap) usual." Rick answered.

"The evil prick stole my car about eight miles south of Austin. Found him playing in a band on sixth street. I punched him out, right on stage. Started a bar brawl, we all cheesed it when the cops showed up. The other two, birdguy and squishy bailed on us. One thing led to another. For four years we were inseparable. Hell, he's kind of my first wife!"

"Now, Lee, we never paid much attention to any top and b-bottom b-bullshit! There were plenty of ladies too! I seem to remember washing mucho-trivian eggs out of your chest hair. Hey! Where's our son, you bastard!"

"Rick, you never gave a shit about Stan Jr.! If you must know, he's in an aquarium in Portland. He's four feet long now!"

"Lee, he's an alien animal! You're breaking the law."

"Like we ever cared about breaking the law! Besides, funny thing, if no one imagines the crime, there IS no law!"

"Homo!"

"Queer!"

Stan suddenly punched Rick, a left cross right to the jaw. "THAT'S FOR LEAVING ME YOU ASSHOLE! Where'd ya go? Two years in Colombian prison, jerk! And what have you been letting the kids get up to?! This is a kitchen, Rick! A food preparation area! You don't fuck in the kitchen! K-LAX?! YOU'RE FEEDING MY GREAT NIECE AND NEPHEW K-LAX?"

Rick looked up from the floor. "The K-Lax is because of complications from the Cipherectomy you got this afternoon, genius! I don't let anybody d-do anything, shit happens, people do what they (belch) do! I probably deserve that but fuck you, Lee!"

"I'm sorry, Rico. You just piss me off!"

"I still got it, huh?"

"Asshole!"

"Prick!"

"Listen, Rico, if we're having a K-Lax orgy, I got a better place for it."

"You do?" Asked Dipper.

Stan winked at him. "Dipper, it's the Mystery Shack! There's ALWAYS a hidden room when you need it!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to references to Runaway Cartoonist's "Car Thief". It was the first R&M/GF crossover I ever read, it holds a special place in my heart. That said, I take a lot of liberties. Sorry RC. It's nearly impossible to reconcile with canon, let alone all the other stuff I'm referencing. Again, if you don't like it, write your own. And leave a comment, I'd love to read it. Also, yeah I'm pretty enthusiastic about "Jimmy Sharman's Boxers". Midnight Oil. "Red Sails in the Sunset". Go, listen.


	24. Heck A Who?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An interloper from another dimension appears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The universe is editing again. Fourth try. I agree with my editor this time.

So, Mabel put the olive sweater back on, Summer her tank top and panties, Morty his jeans, Wendy had already put her green plaid flannel shirt on and had decided she simply wasn't wearing pants at all for the rest of the night. Dipper and Pacifica had come down from the attic fully dressed. They gathered the rest of their clothes and belongings including the MP3 boombox combo and proceeded to follow Stan to his new mystery location. As they passed through the living room on their way to the stairs, a blade cut through the fabric of space-time. A portal opened up in the living room. Everyone halted, belongings clattering to the floor.

It wasn't green and white like Rick's or a peaceful blue like Ford's used to be. No, it was all yellows, oranges and reds, ominous, foreboding like the heart of a flame. A figure stepped out of it. A being, an entity. Not human. Humanoid, but not human. 

She, it was definitely a she, no one could possibly mistake it for a he, had white skin. Not pale, white. Perhaps not as white as snow but certainly as white as milk. She had masses of long red hair. Now, Wendy (and Mabel and Pacifica for that matter.) had voluminous hair. This creature outdid them by orders of magnitude. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail but still appeared as a cloud behind her. She was wearing a Ball Gown with huge poofy skirts, easily four feet wide and her hair was visible behind it on all sides. It nearly reached the floor. The gown was strapless with a tight bodice, all yellows, oranges and reds like the portal. It was ridiculously impractical. Yet it was difficult to imagine her wearing anything else. No, that's not true. It was very easy to imagine her wearing nothing at all and everyone did so. Her eyes carried on the color scheme, having the whites of her eyes being yellow with crimson irises. At least, the one they could see. Her right eye was hidden behind auburn bangs of hair à la femme fatales from the forties. She had pointed ears. She had fangs. She was short, shorter than Mabel even considering the three inch stiletto heels on the tight red leather boots she wore on her impossibly tiny feet. Unless you counted her horns. Oh, she had horns, curving gently apart and back, yellow tingeing to orange at the tips, unlike any found in nature. They had spikes about two thirds of the way up their length, like a stylized lightning bolt. With the horns she was taller than Wendy. The horns were like an image of Hathor, you expected to see a sun disc between them. There WAS a flame between them, improbably floating above the central point on the three pointed wrought iron tiara she had in her hair.

She spoke. Her voice, though angry, was seductiveness exemplified. Flirtation distilled. "Right! Who's been fooling around with portals in unexplored dimensions?! SOMEONE'S about to lose their scissor privileges! I have NEVER been this far off the significant magical sinuosity, does magic even work here? TALK, fleshwads! Someone 'fess up! Do you have ANY IDEA how much trouble you're in?" 

"Of course, magic works here! I've raised the dead!" Dipper blurted.

"Great, we've got a necromancer! Dark magic! What's a boy doing doing magic anyway? For that matter, HOW'S a boy doing magic? Jushtin the Uncalculated barely managed and he was a Butterfly! All right, mewman! Hand over your scissors RIGHT NOW!" The creature said.

"Lady, I don't have any scissors! Mabel, do YOU have any scissors for the crazy succubus?" Dipper asked

Mabel started fishing around in her sweater. "Lessee, I've got safety scissors, tailor's scissors, pinking shears, barber's shears, garden shears..." She said, pulling each from her sweater in turn.

"No!" Exclaimed the entity. "Dimensional scissors, not these simple tools!" She grabbed Dipper by the T-shirt and pulled him to her, eyeball to eyeball. "Talk, necromancer! Who's hiding the scissors? ANSWER ME, MEWMAN!"

Ford stirred in Stan's chair. His eyes fluttered open. He began slurring, drunkenly. "Huh? Whazzat? Mewman? Mewni? Din't write that inna journal. Hearsay. Wrote monograph, din't publish. Never been. Din't set foot on Mewni, dimension DN'*\85. May not exist. Not calling the Oracle a LIAR, mind..."

The being dropped Dipper and turned to Ford. "Mewman, do YOU have scissors?!" 

Ford blinked, taking in the vision before him. He turned his head to Rick. "Rishard, did I have any K-lax?" 

"No, Fordsy. You passed out b-before you could have a (buup) line."

"She's real, den?" Ford stood up and attempted to bow. This resulted in him crashing to a heap on the floor. He stood and with as much dignity as he could muster said, "Lady Hekapoo! Greetings! Always wanted to meet you! A pleasure!" and kissed Hekapoo's hand.

Hekapoo accepted the kiss graciously. "Well, FINALLY! Someone with the sense of a goatpig! Pity you're so drunk! Do you have scissors, mewman?"

"Not mewman, my lady, human. 'M not evolved from an accident involving a magical wasp and a monkey! Strickly monkey, me! Scissors? Sure, wannum back? Dipper! In my secure storage, between the infinity sided die and the first edition of the Necronomicon there's a pair of scissors! Go get 'em, please. The combination is 6-18-85" Ford said, collapsing back into Stan's chair. Dipper ran off to the lab and returned holding a pair of scissors. 

Hekapoo snatched the scissors and held them in the flame above her head. "Let's see who you stole these from, human! Human? Strange word." She removed them from the flame and read the arcane symbols thereon. " 'Jheselbraum for S.F.P.' I remember these! A special commission, they only go to the dimension of the Cult of the Blue Oyster! They're not opening the portals I've been reading!" 

"That's a neat trick! Very 'Sovereign of the Rings' !" Effused Mabel.

"Cinematic masterpiece" muttered Dipper. 

"That's dimension ME-262, bitch!" Argued Rick.

"You always wanted to know how I found the Four Winds Bar, Rishard!" Slurred Ford.

"Wait a second!" Said Stan. "My brother's no thief! Wait, Mr. Nerdy-two-shoes does K-lax?!"

"Don't be too hasty, there, Lee! Fordsy's not as good as WE were but he's n-no slouch as a thief. We did a lot of shit you don't know about." Rick said. 

"Hold on, hold on!" Wendy interrupted. "The dimension of the Cult of the Blue Oyster? Is that anything like Blue Oyster Cult?"

"ME-262 is their dimension, Sugartits. They created it! Well, Pearlman and the Bouchards mostly, but the boys all spend a lot of time there." Rick answered.

"So you dudes, like, KNOW them?"

"Fordsy and I do. Fuck, I've PLAYED with them! I laid down the bass tracks for 'Astronomy' and 'Blue Oyster Cult" on the Imaginos album. Uncredited."

"Is it true what they say about Eric Bloom?" Wendy asked.

"What, that he's one of the coolest people in any dimension?" Rick responded.

"No, that he's the devil incarnate!" Wendy replied. 

"Nonsense!" Mumbled Ford. "He's a nice Jewish boy from Lawn Gyland! Practic'lly neighbors!"

"It's kind of an all of the above deal, Sugartits! He's the coolest devil incarnate nice Jewish boy from Long Island you'll ever meet!" 

"Man, I'm kinda jealous! I didn't even get to meet the Love God when you dudes did! It's like EVERYONE knows bands but me!" Wendy said to Dipper and Mabel.

"You didn't miss much, Wendy! Love God was kind of a jerk!" Mabel said.

"Well, you DID keep stealing his potions." Dipper said. "Besides, Wendy, Robbie's band seems to be taking off now that Tambry's on keyboards. You know them."

"Ugh, don't remind me! Bastard stole my girlfriend!" Wendy responded. Dipper shot a glance at Mabel, who had the grace to look uncomfortable and shrug.

Summer came over and placed her tongue in Wendy's ear. "It's okay, Sugartits! When life gives you lemons..."

"When life gives you lemons, extract the juice and use it to draw a treasure map in invisible ink. That really works! Seriously!" Dipper said.

"When life gives you lemons, draw faces on those lemons and wrap them in a blanket. Ta-daaa! Now you have Lemon babies." Mabel added.

Stan said, "When life gives you lemons, call them 'yellow oranges' and sell them for double the price."

"Alright, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons; what am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life RUE THE DAY it thought it could give Stanford Pines lemons! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M THE MAN WHO'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN... WITH THE LEMONS! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN! (COUGH, COUGH!)" Ford raved.

"Whoa, Fordsy! Calm down! Here, have a drink." Rick handed him a bottle of bourbon. "You ever m-meet an (urp) asshole named Cave Johnson? In the portal business, nothing interdimensional though. Stole the AI for my car from him. You sounded a little like him for a second there!"

"SHUT UP!" shreiked Hekapoo."I AM THE MISTRESS OF THE PORTALS! FORGER OF DIMENSIONAL SCISSORS! QUEENS AND KINGS RESPECT ME! MORTALS FEAR ME! WHO IS OPENING THE DAMN PORTALS?!"

"Um, I think that's m-me." Morty ventured. "Our n-new friend Paz had some family issues and we w-wanted to help."

Hekapoo whirled on Morty. Morty stepped back. Rick suddenly put his arm around Hekapoo's shoulders and said, "Lady, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I have a (braap) feeling that we're in the same business. You do portals for the, what was it? The Significant M-magical Sinuosity, I do portals for the Central Finite Curve, Fordsy there does portals for wherever the fuck this is.....RUN, MORTY!!" Rick disappeared in a portal he opened in the wall, Morty jumped into one he opened in the floor. The portals closed behind them.

Hekapoo split into three. Two gave chase, taking out scissors and opening portals of their own behind Rick and Morty. Mabel stuck her head into each, shouting "WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN?! SHUT THE DAMN DOOR BEHIND YOU!!" Hekapoo's portals closed. 

The original Hekapoo lept to the top of the portal she came through originally, sitting down with her legs crossed, showing an alarming amount of thigh. "Interesting," she said, "their portals close automatically?"

"Well, duh!" Answered Summer. "It's a bit hard to make a quick getaway if you have to stop and close your portals! Can't be leaving holes in the fabric of space-time!"

"Even stopping to close my portals, I'll still catch them! I'm very fast!" Hekapoo gloated.

"Bitch, that's Rick and Morty! We do this shit every day!"

"Really?! Tell you what, fleshwad, if they can outrun me through 100 dimensions I'll let them keep their scissors!"

"You still don't get it! Ain't no scissors here!"

"Wait, what?"

Pacifica Northwest sat next to the TV. I always forget how weird it gets over here, she thought to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, fourth try. The universe (my editor) really wanted the lemon bit, it wouldn't take it without it. I'm very happy though! So many references! So much fun to write! Yes, I DO have a thing for Hekapoo, don't judge. Also the voice of Zosia Mamet. The chapter wound up getting split into two, maybe three.


	25. The Obligatory Chase Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exactly what it says on the tin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second attempt at this chapter. The universe is a demanding editor, but it is improving the chapters.

Morty felt nervous ever since the apparition appeared. Despite Wendy's thoughts, he still feels fear. It is, in fact, the ground state of his being. He just doesn't bother to show it much anymore. Why bother? He knew that behind her facade, Summer felt the same way. He had a sneaking suspicion that Rick operated on the same principle. Don't think about it. Words to live by. Oh, shit! The demon bitch is going OFF! Can't blame her, though. The combined Smith/Sanchez and Pines families would try the patience of a saint!

"I AM THE MISTRESS OF THE PORTALS! FORGER OF DIMENSIONAL SCISSORS! QUEENS AND KINGS RESPECT ME! MORTALS FEAR ME! WHO IS OPENING THE DAMN PORTALS?!"

"Um, I think that's m-me." He ventured. "Our n-new friend Paz had some family issues and we w-wanted to help." Oh, fuck, now I've got it's ATTENTION! Rick came and drew the creature away, with his arm around her shoulders. Aw, Rick! I don't think charm is going to work! You're no good at it anyway. What's he saying?

"...Fordsy there does portals for wherever the fuck this is.....RUN, MORTY!!" Right, that's my cue! Morty pulled out his portal gun, opened up a portal in the floor and jumped through. He landed, rolling to absorb the shock on a grassy knoll in a bucolic looking medieval like village. Looks familiar. Fuck, I've got no SHOES! He looked around and saw a likely looking guard. He approached him, acutely aware of his shoeless, shirtless status. 

"Good sir, kind sir!" He said to the guard. "I found myself having to jump out of a window in a hurry, without my shoes and tunic, I will gladly pay you five schmeckles for your boots."

"Oh ho, young sir!" the guard replied. "Husband come home unexpectedly? That's a princely offer, why, for twenty-five schmeckles you can buy a ticket for the clouds or a set of big fake boobies!"

"Yes, I know! How about it? I'm kind of in a hurry here, I expect to be chased any minute, I'd like to be able to run!" He held out a small copper coin.

The guard removed his boots and handed them over in exchange for the coin. "Of course, young sir! I can get ten pairs of good boots for five schmeckles!"

Morty put the boots on. A little small, but better than nothing! He took off running, as a portal opened in the air behind him and Hekapoo jumped through, followed by Mabel's head shouting "WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN?! SHUT THE DAMN DOOR BEHIND YOU!!" Hekapoo paused, turned around and closed the portal with her scissors. 

So THAT'S why the crazy bitch kept going on about scissors, thought Morty, running. They're how you open portals wherever she comes from! Shit! I'm being chased by some kind of portal police!

A hue and cry was raising amongst the peasants milling about the streets. Some were calling "The hero! He saved the town!" Others were shouting "The assassin! He killed King Jellybean!" The crowd started to converge on Morty, someone shouting "Why did you murder King Jellybean, assassin?"

"I didn't! Anyway, he was a god-damned rapist, he deserved whatever he got!" Morty answered. Fuck! I don't have time for this! Rick killed King Jellybean? I never knew, guess he cares more than I thought. Morty opened a new portal and ran through.

The crowd turned on Hekapoo, some saying "A demon! Chasing our hero! Stop her!" Others said "A demon! Seeking vengeance on the assassin! Help her!" Hekapoo lept over the crowd, opening a portal as she descended. It was quickly closed behind her. "Where'd they go?" Several people in the crowd asked. They dispersed, going about their business. A barefoot guard, leaning against a wall thought, rapist? Guess that explains why the kid in his statue is in his underwear. Wonder why I never noticed that before?

____________________________________________________________

In a typical suburban living room, a pizza sits on a couch dialing on a phone, while another is lying down on another couch

"Yeah, I’d like to order one large person with extra people please."

"White people. No, no, no, no, no, black people. And hispanic on half."

Rick runs out of a portal and shoots another portal onto the opposite wall, then runs through.

Hekapoo's portal opens and she chases Rick through the pizza's living room. 

_______________________________________________________________

Morty runs into a metropolitan area, the streets filled with blue skinned aliens with yellow eyes and three antenna-like projections extending from their hair. "Morty!" The crowd in the streets yells simultaneously.

"Unity?" Morty says. "I thought you were off with Beta-seven!"

"No, Rick was right, the little shit tried to assimilate me!" Said an attractive alien woman, who continued on her way downtown. "ME! Tell your grandpa all is forgiven, I don't even mind that he ruined my plans to join the Galactic Federation by destroying it, I've got a new job." Continued a tall alien in a three-piece suit. "Assimilating or destroying Beta-seven! Gear up for a hivemind war!" Finished a scroungey looking alien in some kind of tour T-shirt. "I've given up my dream of being god, I'll settle for a Galactic quadrant or so. But Beta-seven? It's going DOWN! NO ONE tries to assimilate Unity! Except Rick! He never tries, he just does it!" explained a blue woman in a short skirt and a long jacket.

"Glad to hear it, Une! I've BEEN god a time or two, it never shakes out like you think!" Morty said

"So, how you been, Morty?" Asked about thirty blue aliens.

"Listen, Une. Love to stay and chat, but I'm kinda running for my life here!" Morty said.

"Oh, you DO take after Rick don't you?" Said a chubby blue pubescent teenager. "How can I help? It'll be like old times!" Enthused a tall athletic blue woman. A portal opened and Hekapoo charged through. She paused to close her portal.

"SLOW HER DOWN!" shouted Morty, dodging through the crowd, all of whom were Unity. 

"No problem!" Answered a blue man, built like a sumo wrestler. "Tell your grandpa I miss him!" Continued an old blue woman.

"I'll do what I can! He doesn't want to hear your name, you really hurt him when you left! He WOULD love to take out Beta-shit-seven, I know that! Tell you what, if I live through this I'll be in touch! No assimilating us, right? I know Summer misses you too! Gotta run, Une, don't break his heart next time, ok?" Morty portaled away.

Unity converged on Hekapoo, wrestling her down and vomiting into her mouth. Hekapoo exploded in flames, blowing all of the attacking Unities off of her in a shower of blue arms, legs and body parts. She stood and spat out vomit, flames pouring off her body. "A HIVEMIND?!!" She raged. "The fleshwad is more resourceful than I thought!" She opened a portal to follow. 

"Shame I couldn't turn her." Unity said to itself in two different bodies. "It would've been nice to have portal technology. Maybe visit Rick on my OWN terms!" "Who am I kidding?" Unity replied from the other body. "I'm putty in his hands!"

_______________________________________________________

Greasy grandma world. The dimension is full of greasy grandmas. A banner says “Welcome to greasy grandma world. Population: A whole lot, sonny!” Rick runs through, avoiding the grandmas as much as possible. He shoots another portal in a wall and runs through. Hekapoo's portal opens and she excuses herself to several greasy grandmas who get in her way. She makes her own portal.

_________________________________________________________

Morty steps through the portal and sees a cat in a litter box. The cat turns a completely human face to him and screams "LOOK AWAY!!"

"Um, I'm sorry, squanch me, squanch me very much, hope you're squanchy with it!" Morty says, portaling away. 

"Purrrfect," the cat says. "Some kind of idiot! What the fssst does 'squanch' mean?"

Hekapoo tears by, in hot pursuit.

"Holy hairballs, that was Lady Hekapoo! Mewow! I'm lucky to be alive!"

_____________________________________________________________

  A phone sits on a pizza dialing on a person, while another is lying down on another pizza. Rick runs out of a portal and shoots another portal onto the opposite wall, then runs through.

"Yes, I’d like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair please."

"High chair. No, no, no, no, no, recliner! And wheelchair on half."

Hekapoo's portal opens and she chases Rick through the phone's living room. 

Several doopidoo creatures stand around repeating the phrase “Doopidoo” over and over in a shallow canyon. Rick comes in, shoots several portals into the canyon wall, and enters the next to last one. 

Hekapoo appears and looks at the line of portals. "So, he can leave them open if he wants!" She said. She checks out the first and second portals. While examining the third portal, she is snatched by several tentacles and pulled in.

_______________________________________________________

Hekapoo steps onto the Grand Concourse of the Citadel of Ricks. She finds herself surrounded by Ricks and Morties. "LOTS more resourceful than I thought!" She said. Spotting a shirtless Morty, she pushes through the crowd and grabs him. "Gotcha, fleshwad! Thought you could escape Hekapoo? Now, hand over your scissors!"

"Aw, jeez!" Sputters the Morty. "I guess YOU'RE why that crazy M-morty g-gave me ten Fl-flurbos for m-my shirt!" Portals open all around and Ricks and Morties in the white uniform of the citadel step out, brandishing P-780 particle beams. "Release the Morty, alien!" Demands the commanding Rickicer. 

"Not until I get my scissors!" Hekapoo answered.

"Ha-have it your way, b-bitch! Open (burp) fire, boys!" 

Hekapoo lets go of the Morty and pulls her scissors apart using the blades as shields. Some beams get through, and Hekapoo opens a portal to escape.

_________________________________________________________

 

Hekapoo bursts into flame, and the tentacled beast releases her. She steps back through the portal to Doopidoo canyon and, after examining all the portals, finally passes through the next to last one. It closes behind her, on its own. She is in another living room. A sofa sits on a person dialing on a pizza, while another is lying down on another person.

"Yeah, I’d like to order one large phone with extra phones please."

"Cellphone. No, no, no, no, no, rotary! And payphone on half."

Hekapoo trudges across the chair's living room and opens up another portal. A pizza sits on a couch, while another is lying down on another couch. 

"Listen, flatbread! Did the blue-haired guy pass through here again?" She asked.

"Dom, what did you put in my drink? There's FOOD walking around asking questions!"

"John, I thought YOU put something in MY drink! No! He only passed through once! Look, can you just go away? We're waiting for our person to be delivered! Do you have ANY IDEA how upsetting it is to see foodstuffs up and walking around like that?!"

"Oh, crud! It's gone recursive! I'm LOST!" Hekapoo lamented. A portal opened behind her and Rick's head poked through, blowing out her flame. She softly and suddenly vanished away, never to be met with again.

"For the Snark WAS a Boojum, you (urp) see." Rick gloated and disappeared.

_________________________________________________________

Hekapoo's latest portal opened on Mewni, in front of a body of water. There was a gharial lurking in the water, eyes and nostrils exposed. Hekapoo got on all fours and said: "WAH!!"

"WAAH!!" replied the beast.

"BWAH!!" Riposted Hekapoo.

"BWAAH!!" the reptile answered.

"RAHH!!" Hekapoo concluded. 

"RAAHH!!" Said the gharial. Suddenly there were hundreds of the things, forming an island. The reptiles swam away, but an island remained, the Sanctuary of Magic. Hekapoo bounded across the stepping stones and entered. She ignored all the images of her father and went to the well of magic. Pulling up a bucket of the golden fluid, she washed away the wounds she received at the Citadel. "Shit, that HURT! I'm not used to mortals actually managing to harm me! Now, where did he get to?" She held up a hand, palm up. A flame appeared, but simply burned, nothing to indicate direction or dimension. "Crud! I've LOST him!" She opened a portal and returned to where she started, to re-merge with the real Hekapoo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoy this as much as I did, nearly too much fun! Thanks are in order for the Fandom wiki and their episode transcripts. Made getting the food ordering scenes right a breeze!


	26. New Partners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hekapoo joins the party?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting Hekapoo up to speed. If you know the lyrics, sing along!  
> 🎵It's gonna get a little weird,  
> Gonna get a little wild.  
> I ain't from 'round here,  
> I'm from another dimension....🎵

"You still don't get it! Ain't no scissors here!" Summer said.

"Wait, what?" Hekapoo replied.

"What, you think you have a monopoly? Other people think of shit too!" Summer spat. She indicated Ford, head lolling, in Stan's chair. "That drunk there? The one who hates lemons? HE built a portal in his basement, powerful enough to destroy the universe! My grandpa and brother BOTH built portal guns!"

"They won a war with them!" Put in Dipper. 

"Grandpa Rick builds his own shit! He doesn't need to go to any la-di-da 'forger of scissors'! Not saying that he won't steal shit when it suits his needs! He'll TOTALLY do that! But he prefers to make his own shit!"

"You're saying NO ONE is misusing MY scissors'? That instead of confronting some mewmans opening portals where they shouldn't be, I'm harrassing innocent humans using their own stuff at home? Might as well call my clones back! I AM having fun, though! Those guys are good! One just set a crowd on me and the old one just keeps going strange places. And I hate to lose!" Hekapoo said

"NOW you're starting to get it, you crazy psycho bitch! Fucking idiot cunt! No one here knows jack shit about scissors!" Summer answered.

"Saint Olga's rules don't apply here, I see. Well then, I guess I could say I fucked up!" Hekapoo said. 

"No shit, Sherlock!"

"Now, Sumner! Be nice! Lady Pekahoo been at this a long time! Hunnerts of years! 'Course it's 'cause her brother noticed Rick and I." Ford slurred.

Hekapoo vaulted off of the portal. She placed her fists on the arms of the chair and got eyeball to eyeball with Ford. "You seem to know a lot about me, human. What did you say your name was again?"

"Pines. Stanford Filbrick Pines."

Hekapoo paused and looked at the scissors she took from him. Jheselbraum for S.F.P. "You're THAT Stanford Pines?! Knight Errant for the Oracle?!" She placed both hands back on the arms of the chair, palms flat this time.

" 'At's me! Put a metal plate in my head, she did!" Ford knocked on the back of his head. It went clang. Ford found himself looking down the double barrels of Hekapoo's cleavage. He was drunk. He asked the question. "Howzat stay on? I mean, 's'awful tight."

"You have GOT to be kidding me! I meet the Oracle's knight errant, the one prophesied to destroy the Triangulum, entangulum, dominus mentium, videntis omnium, and he's fascinated by my DÉCOLLETÉ?!" Hekapoo ranted.

"To be fair, you've got an awesome rack, lady!" Wendy proclaimed.

"That's true! I'm not even INTO girls and I'd do you!" Pacifica revealed.

" 'S' a legit'mate question! 'M an engineer! Howzit stay up? Did that this afternoon, by the way." Ford said, taking a swig of bourbon.

"Did what?" Hekapoo asked, ignoring the the references to her bust. 

"Destroyed the Triangulum, entangulum, dominus mentium, videntis omnium. You know him?" Ford asked. His head lolled on his chest again and he passed back out.

"Is this true?! The Triangulum, entangulum is dead?" Hekapoo asked. 

"If you mean Bill Cipher, you betcha! We snuffed him GOOD!" Mabel exclaimed. 

"Now, Mabes, he's just gone. It's not like he can be killed. Pure energy, remember?" Dipper said. 

Hekapoo sat down on the floor, legs curled under skirts, a look of shock on her face. "The Prophecy! Prophecies! The Immortal monster! The Queen of Darkness! THE END OF THE WORLD!" Her brows knit. "A HIVEMIND?! That's cheating, you little shit!"

Summer chortled. "Cool! Morty found Unity! Listen, lady, the end of the world isn't all that, y'know?"

"Isn't all that?! It's the end of the world!" Hekapoo protested. 

"So?! That just means you try harder! Right, bro-bro?!" Mabel rebutted. 

"Right, Mabes! Besides, if I know prophecies, there's ALWAYS a loophole!" Dipper agreed.

"Ow! OUCH!! SON OF A BITCH! The young one GOT me! Another ambush! I haven't been physically hurt in two hundred years! These guys are GOOD! Oh, and the old one just snuffed my clone." Hekapoo exclaimed.

"Told ya, bitch! They're Rick and Morty!" Summer answered.

Hekapoo's flame blew out. "Yup. We are. Checkmate, bitch! Will you listen to reason, now?" Rick said from behind Hekapoo.

"She already apologized, Rico." Stan said. 

"She did? When?" Dipper asked.

"Where I come from, 'I fucked up' is about the most sincere apology you can get!" Stan replied. 

Hekapoo's flame reignited and Morty portaled back. "I think I lost her! Oh, shit! She b-beat me back!" He held out his portal gun. "I don't have scissors, I have this! But it's m-mine! If you take I'll just build another one!" He noticed Rick. "Oh, Jesus fucking Christ on a stick! I've stepped in it n-now, haven't I?"

"Let me see that, Morty" Rick said, quietly. Morty handed the portal gun over to him. Rick examined it closely, unscrewed the bulb, dipped a finger in, tasted the fluid, put the bulb back in place, flipped it in the air and caught it. "Nice balance." He said. "You distill the fluid?"

"I synthesized the fluid. If you want to be a pile of organic sludge, YOU distill the fluid." Morty snarked.

Rick nodded. He pressed a fingertip to a protuberance on the portal gun and the screen displayed:

 

RICARDO (Rick) MONTALBÁN CARLOS RODRIGO Y SÁNCHEZ  
DIMENSION C-137  
AKA RICHARD, RICO, THE MALCONTENT, THE ROGUE, THE TROUBLEMAKER, THAT GUY, THAT FUCKING GUY, GALAXIES MOST WANTED, ARMED AND DANGEROUS, THE RICKEST RICK, C-137, RICKSTER, RICKSY BUSINESS, RICK-DUDE, RIKKI TIKKI TAVI, OH SHIT IT'S HIM, MR. SÁNCHEZ, please see computer for additional 47 pages of also known as.  
(Note: please see computer for notes [100+ pages])

"Nice. Nucleotide drift?"

"Two. Adenine and guanine."

"Smart, pyrimidines and purines. Okay, I (braap) retire! You figured out N-dimensional topography, you've got portal gun tech down, it's your show now!" Rick declared.

"Bullshit! You'd die of boredom in a week! I just want better than one adventure in ten! Sixty-forty?" Morty replied.

"Fuck it! Fifty-fifty! You ok with that, (erp) partner? C'mere you little fucking shithead! I'm ACTUALLY proud of you, fucktard!" Rick held his arms open and gathered his grandson in a hug.

"Aw, jeez! R-r-really, Rick?" 

"Now don't break your arm jerking yourself off! This doesn't MEAN anything! Nothing you (belch) think matters, matters! The universe is still a crazy chaotic place and everything you believe is a lie! Got that, shit-for-brains?" 

"G-got it!"

A portal opened and Hekapoo stepped out. "I lost him! Oh, there he is!" She was suddenly hit by Hekapoo Prime's memory. "You could have called me back?! I could have avoided the pain? And the puke?"

"Hey, we were having fun!" Said Hekapoo Prime.

"Speak for yourself!" Answered the clone, phasing back in. One Hekapoo remained. "This is a really touching family moment and all, but do you mind if I see that? I've still got a job to do! Your name is Sanchez, right?"

Summer answered. "Yeah, Ricardo >snicker< MONTALBÁN Sánchez! Care to explain that, Grandpa Rick? Or should I say, KHAAAAN??!!!" 

"Cinematic masterpiece." Murmured Dipper.

"From hell's heart I stab at thee, Summer! What can I say? Dad was impressed that a Mexican got a job with the studios and was allowed to stay Mexican. He was damn near Ricky Martin. Dad loved 'Latin from Manhattan' or whatever the fuck it was." Rick said, handing Morty's portal gun to Hekapoo. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours!" He said to Hekapoo, wiggling his unibrow.

Hekapoo took the portal gun and handed her personal pair of dimensional scissors to Rick. She examined the gun, twiddling the knobs, turning the dials, setting the settings. She touched the protuberance and the screen displayed:

VOID  
NO ORGANIC GENETIC MATERIAL FOUND  
RECALIBRATING

The screen cleared and reset. 

HEKAPOO  
DIMENSION DN'*\85, DIMENSION 'HP001, DIMENSION X-103  
AKA LADY HEKAPOO, LADY OF THE PORTALS, FORGER OF DIMENSIONAL SCISSORS, PROTECTOR OF DIMENSIONS, DIVINE METALLURGIST, THAT HEKAPOO CHICK, THAT HEKAPOO CHICK IS CRAZY, CRAZY SCISSOR BITCH, CRAZY DEMON CHICK, CRAZY SUCCUBUS, POOBY, POOBY DARLING, H-POO, HEKSIES  
(Note: Divine entity.)  
WARNING!! HEKAPOO IS MINOR DEITY TYPE IV WARNING!!  
DANGER!! DANGER!! DANGER!!

"Well! Nice to know what people think of me!" Hekapoo articulated.

"Um, if it's any consolation, I think some of those were ours." Put in Summer.

"Crazy succubus, maybe. The knight errant was very punctilious about 'Lady Hekapoo' and you and the Sánchez just stick to a simple, unadorned 'bitch'. No, these are from home (sigh). So how's this work? If I enter DN'*\85, where do I end up?" 

"If you don't do any fine tuning, you end up in a spot analogous to the spot you occupy in your current dimension." Explained Rick, who was subjecting the scissors to a rigorous examination, testing the edge, sucking on his cut thumb, giving the blade a taste. "Interesting. An alloy. Steel, adamantium, unobtainium and...mithril?"

"Uh, Rick? Aren't most of those metals, you know, fictional?" Asked Dipper.

"Multiverse, Dipper. One man's fiction is another man's breakfast!" Rick replied.

"That's a great idea!" Said Morty. "Who wants a gryphon egg omelette for breakfast?"

"No, he's exactly right, except for mithril, I never heard of that. I DO use truesilver, for the shine. It really holds an edge, too." Hekapoo explained.

"Same stuff, Chickapoo! So how do these work?" Rick asked.

"Simple. Just think of where you want to go and cut a portal. Use the flat of the blade to close. Chickapoo?"

"Your n-name and about three of your nicknames. Like it?"

"It beats Pooby and H-Poo, I guess. Don't call me that!"

"So you have to KNOW where you're going? You can't just (erp) explore?"

"That's a good way to end up in the void."

"The void? You m-mean, space?"

"Same stuff, Slick. Shall we try each other's toys?"

"Works for me! Slick?"

"Your name and what you are! Like it?"

"I do! Beats the fuck out of (belch) 'that guy'!"

"Let's go, Slick!" Hekapoo challenged. She entered DN apostrophe, STAR, backslash, eighty-five and stepped through the portal. She found herself in a forest. She manifested a flame to get her bearings. "Ok, northeast of the forest of Unlikely Spiderbites and north of the Cloud kingdom." 

Rick concentrated and opened up a portal. It was green and five pointed. He laughed aloud and stepped through. 

They stepped back in the living room simultaneously. Rick brought a large bushy plant. "Took a trip to dimension MJ-420! Brought b-back some prime kush! Da Kine bud!" He used the flat of the blade to close the portal and dropped the plant on the ground. 

"You know, by rights I owe you guys each a pair of scissors. Of course, you don't NEED them, but you earned them. You blew out my flame, that's usually the toughest task I have supplicants perform. Just escaping me is enough!" She looked up at Rick through half lidded eyes. Her flame burned blue for a moment. "Is there any small task I could...help you with?"

"Chickapoo, you interrupted a party! We eliminated a grade 2 (burp) Eldritch Abomination earlier today and the psychic fallout is oppressive! Join us! I think you could stand to unwind a bit, you came as the cops for fuck's sake! In your guise of protector of dimensions! Let your hair down and have some fun!" Rick invited. 

"You mortals are inviting me to a party? Your kind is usually too scared of me!" Said Hekapoo, surprised.

"Not my first rodeo, Chickapoo! I once drank (AARP) Aeolus under the table!" 

"Yeah, c'mon Hekapoo! It'll be fun! Who wouldn't want to hang out with you! Career woman, conscientious, hard working! Work hard, play hard, they say! Right?! If my Grunkle Ford can drink himself unconscious, you can spare a little while! Besides, Rick hasn't gotten any sugar yet!" Mabel argued.

"Listen Slick! If she's suggesting what I THINK she is, I'd better warn you! My passions run HOT! Like burn your penis off, hot!" Hekapoo said.

"NOT a problem! I'll just grow a n-new one! Lee? You were showing us to a better location?" Rick said.

"Sure thing, Rico! It's not like this'll be the first time your dick fell off!" Stan muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, Ricardo Montalbán. Rick's dad loved 'He's a Latin from Staten Island' (1941), in which he (Ricardo Montalbán, billed simply as "Ricardo") played the title role of a guitar-strumming gigolo, accompanied by an offscreen vocal by Gus Van. (cv Wikipedia) It's a three minute musical short. I'm sure Sánchez senior also saw some of Señor Montalbán's Mexicano work, working as he did in Los Alamos as part of the Manhattan Project. See, I have backstory, I do research! This crap doesn't just fall out of my head onto the page, (however much it looks that way) there's some thought put into it! Hour and a half researching Bonobos, didn't use it!


	27. DungeonQuest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party moves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stan has some (more) secrets. Pass the Kouchie on the left hand side. The party carries on.

Everyone went up the stairs. At the top of the stairs Stan turned right, into a hallway Dipper and Mabel would've sworn wasn't there before and stopped in front of a reinforced steel door.

"Kids,"" he said. "You're about to find something out about your Great Uncle Stan. Don't hold it against me, ok?" He opened the door and flicked the lights on, and they entered a large room. In one corner there were two long comfortable cloth-covered couches in an off-beige color, precisely the color someone worried about stains would choose. An end table sat in the corner between them and matching tables were at either end of the couches. A coffee table was set in front of the longer couch. A conversation pit. Perfectly normal. 

The rest of the room? Not so much. In another corner there was a set of nylon ropes ending in loops, stirrups and padded supports hanging from pulleys attached to a steel beam in the ceiling. A Chinese basket. In the center of the room there were two installations, a large wooden X with manacles and pedicles at the ends and a device that initially looked like a vaulting horse until you noticed the eyelets for attaching chains, ropes or what have you. All along one wall were other restraints, silk, nylon, leather, chains and cuffs bolted directly to the wall. There were hooks and eyelets on steel beams all around the ceiling. On either side of the door were shelves with candles, feathers, leather hoods, clamps, cuffs, latex hoses, dildos (rubber and glass), plugs, pouches and a pear of punishment (or pear of anguish if you prefer). Cans and cans of bright colored liquid latex and brushes both natural hair and silicone. On another wall hung various whips and cats o' nine tails. The walls and floors (except in the conversation pit) were padded in an easy to clean but still comfortable fabric. There was a large sink, a minifridge, a microwave and an industrial ice maker. There was a massage table that would double as a gravity table and quite possibly, as an autopsy table. Stan indicated a door in the opposite wall. "Showers, toilets and what have you through there."he said.

"Grunkle Stan! I had no idea! Does dad or the auntie's know?!" Mabel asked.

"Izzy does NOT, nor does Shermie! And we're KEEPING it that way, right? Tesla and Merms are big fans. It's a bit of a side business of mine. Used to spend a fair amount of time here myself, when I was younger." 

"Side business?" Exclaimed Dipper. "What, you have rubes just walk up and ask, 'excuse me, do you have a sex dungeon?'. What about the cops?"

"Blubs and Durland are (cough) kinda charter members. So's Mayor Cutebiker. You'd be surprised who all used to come here."

Wendy had taken a white leather cat o' nine tails off the wall and given it an experimental flick. "I wouldn't!" She said. "Mom's?" 

"Good eye, Cordduroy! Yeah, your mom was one of the kindest, sweetest people I ever knew and she was absolute murder with that thing!" Stan replied.

"I know, Stan. Why do you think dad wrestles bears? He misses mom."

"Of course he does. We all do! You know, Shandra Jimenez used to spend HOURS here, hanging from that hook, coated in black latex. She was always a solo. Just hang."

"Wow!" Said Hekapoo. "When you humans throw a party you don't fool around, do you? Excuse me, gotta call a friend!" She pulled a compact mirror from somewhere, opened it and said "call Milly!"

"POOBY! Pooby darling! Where HAVE you been? It's been simply AGES! What's up, darling?" Came a voice from the mirror.

"Milly, sweetheart, I've been invited to a party and it looks like it'll be just your cup of hot herbal beverage! Look at this place!" She held the mirror up and twirled in place.

"Boots, demon! Don't be poking holes in my floor!" Stan said, severely.

"Oops, sorry!" Hekapoo said, taking her boots off. "I'm a bit overdressed!" The Ball Gown disappeared in a flash of flame, leaving Hekapoo in yellow and orange underwear. Her eyes had lightened to a peach color.

"Pooby, darling! It DOES look like fun but I simply CAN'T! I have Leticia Ponyhead and Star Butterfly and their crew at the Lounge, so I MUST stay and make sure they don't burn the place down! Have fun, darling! I'd say call Wrathy but I don't believe she'd um, FIT! She's such a gentle soul anyway. Ta, darling! Wait, show me your new friends!" Hekapoo held the mirror up to everyone's faces. They all saw a purple alien hiding behind a fan and ridiculous sunglasses. "Darlings!" She said. "Thank you for taking care of Pooby! She doesn't get OUT enough! You're all welcome at the Bounce Lounge anytime!"

"What the fuck is a Bounce Lounge?" Quiried Rick. 

"Nightclub. Milly's run it for 5000 years. Drinks and dancing." Hekapoo responded.

"Well, Summ-summ, looks like we've got a new place to (urp) check out." Rick announced.

Pacifica had slipped off her boots, leggings and underwear and was prowling around the room as if she were looking to buy it. She tested the soundness of the installations, hung herself in the Chinese basket, cracked an eight foot bullwhip, hung from the whip on several of the hooks in the ceiling, got herself a glass of ice, checked the fridge and made herself a Bloody Mary. She sat down on one of the couches.

"Very nice, Mr. Pines! Much nicer than daddy's, even at the mansion. I'm impressed." She said.

"Preston used to come here, until I had to ban him. Bastard never seemed to get the concept of safe words." Stan replied, pouring himself whiskey on the rocks and sprawling on the other couch.

Rick and Morty stepped back outside the room and took off their shoes as well. Japanese rules seemed logical when the floors were upholstered. Morty was glad to get out of his five schmeckle boots. They were too tight anyway. 

Rick grabbed the boombox and sat down next to Stan, setting the boombox on the table between the couches. He fiddled with the settings a while and hit play. "I've put together a little set" he said. "Dungeon chic. Lee, move over. Come sit here, Chickapoo!" She did, and everyone found a seat on one of the couches.

Jangley guitar. Viola. Bass drum on the twos and threes.  
🎵 Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather  
Whiplash girl child in the dark  
Comes in bells, your servant, don't forsake him  
Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart🎵

"Now, let's get this p-party started again!" He pulled a bud of the 420 out of his pocket and loaded his laser hookah. He toked and passed the pipe to Hekapoo. She tried it and passed it to Stan.

"I gave this up years ago, but what the hell! When Rick Sánchez comes in the door, rules go out the window! THERE ARE NO RULES!" He had a taste and passed it to Summer, who took a hit and crossed over to the other couch and gave it to Pacifica. 

"Why not?" She said. "I'm probably going to hell anyway! THERE ARE NO RULES!" She took a hit and passed it to Dipper who passed it directly to Wendy. Wendy tried some and gave to Mabel who had a toke and gave it to Morty. 

🎵 Kiss the boot of shiny, shiny leather  
Shiny leather in the dark  
Tongue of thongs, the belt that does await you  
Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart🎵

Morty had some and passed it back to Rick, who reloaded it and started the circle again.

"Is it just me or does the music sound better?!" Mabel asked.

"Of course the music sounds better, Glitterface! You got some ganj in you. That's one of the things it's for!" Rick replied. 

"Y'know, Robbie and Tambry would LOVE this! What're we listening to, Rick?" Wendy wondered.

"Venus in Furs. Velvet Underground." Rick told her.

"Hope I can remember that! Wait! Is this even from this dimension?" 

"Maybe. Lee? You have VU over here?" Rick asked.

"Hell if I know, Rico! I never cared as much about music as you." Stan said.

The pipe made it's third pass. Dipper took a hit this time.

The rim of a snare drum. A guitar pick being pulled down the neck. Descending bass notes. 

"Cool! A new song! I like this, too!" Wendy made known. 

"You weren't kidding about dungeon chic, Rick! Velvet Underground AND Bauhaus? What's next? Roxy Music's 'In every dream home'?" Snarked Morty.

"Songstrels in this dimension are WEIRD! This would never work back home. I don't even think it would go over at the Bounce Lounge." Hekapoo proclaimed.

"Seriously," said Dipper. "A side business? How does it work?"

"Word about this kind of place gets around, Dipper! People who want to know, know. I have marks coming from as far away as Seattle, L.A. and Denver! If they know the right people, they know the password!" Explained Stan.

"Ooo, let me guess, Lee! 'Swordfish'?" Exclaimed Rick.

"Of course the password is 'swordfish', Rico! The password is ALWAYS 'swordfish'! Gotta run a place like this by the rules!" Answered Stan in exasperation.

🎵 White on white translucent black capes  
Back on the rack  
Bela Lugosi's dead...🎵

"Looong intro! 'Bout TIME the song started! These things are LONG!!" Mabel stated. 

"Impatient m-much, Glitterface?" Rick asked, placing a hand on Hekapoo's thigh. She leaned her head on his shoulder, nearly catching his hair on fire. "Careful there, Chickapoo! I'm not (braap) ininflammable!" 

"Sorry, slick! I don't actually have much practice at this kind of thing. Mortals are afraid of me, remember?"

"I find THAT hard to believe! You're a god, kind of. What about family? Gods can get away with shit a mink breeder wouldn't tolerate."

"You don't know my family! Dad's about THIS tall," she held her hands about six inches apart. "Omni's the size of space-time, Rhombi's SUCH a child, and Lekmet, the old goat, is in a thing with Rhombi! Mom spends most of her time trapped in a bottle!"

"Heavy drinker?"

"No, she's literally trapped in a bottle!"

🎵 The virginal brides file past his tomb  
Strewn with time's dead flowers  
Bereft in deathly bloom  
Alone in a darkened room  
The count  
Bela Lugosi's dead...🎵

"Sorry I (belch) asked! So, Lee! Cops on the payroll?"

"Like I told Dipper, the sheriff and his main deputy are charter members. They don't shut me down, I don't blackmail them. Rules, right?"

"Oh, absolutely, Lee! Gotta follow the rules, unless they're inconvenient!" 

I can't believe this, thought Pacifica Northwest. I'm sitting on a couch, doing drugs, which I said I'd NEVER do, while a crazy alcoholic snuggles with a demon and argues with Mr. Pines about the rules of breaking the rules! I KILLED MY FATHER! Are there any rules? These people seem to think so. They also seem to think that killing my father doesn't break any rules. They ALL seem to do what they like, even lumberjack girl, I've never, ever done what I wanted, do they know something I don't? Is it the rules? Daddy didn't seem to know the rules, he knew the law. He didn't hardly follow it, but he knew it. But he failed. Because he didn't know the rules? I've got to figure this out!

🎵 Oh Bela  
Bela's undead  
Oh Bela  
Undead🎵

A crack of thunder. A choir. 

"Not Roxy, Sisters. Going full goth, Rick? Siouxsie next?" Morty kept up his ongoing commentary on the soundtrack.

"Wait and see." Rick riposted. 

"I don't do that much business anymore, but the place still clears about two grand a month." Stan was saying.

"Not bad, Lee. You don't play anymore?" Rick asked.

"I'm an old man, Rico. I'd be happy to put you over the horse later, though." 

"Tempting, Lee, tempting. I've got to burn my dick off first, remember?"

"Yeah, about that! Rico, use the showers! I don't want the place going up in flames."

"Please, Lee! This room isn't even in the same DIMENSION as the rest of the house."

"Still. Better safe than sorry!"

"Listen, fleshwads! I wasn't joking!" Hekapoo announced.

"Does it SOUND like we think you're joking, H-Poo? We're laying out contingencies!" Rick responded.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!!" 

🎵 Hey now, hey now now, sing this corrosion to me  
Hey now, hey now now, sing this corrosion to me🎵

"All right, Chickapoo, all right! Jeez! So many touchy people!" Rick apologized. 

"I don't like it, okay? Chickapoo I'm starting to enjoy." Hekapoo said.

"Great! We aim to pl-please, right Lee?" Rick replied.

"Yeah, right! You know, my ex-wife still misses me..." Stan started.

"BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!" finished Stan, Rick, Dipper, Mabel and Wendy all at once.

"You humans are kind of lame, aren't you?" Hekapoo said.

"We humans are lame times a thousand, Chickapoo! Boop!" Said Rick, beeping her nose.

"You two are just so CUTE!!" Enthused Mabel. 

🎵 Hey now, hey now now, sing this corrosion to me  
Hey now, hey now now, sing this corrosion to me🎵

"Yes, they are, Glitterface!" Agreed Wendy. 

"Why, thank you, Sugartits! I hope that catches on! Rick, Rick of the litter, thanks for the nicknames! They're fun!!" Mabel said.

"You're better at it than I am, Glitterface! Rick of the litter is very good!" Rick expressed.

"Ugh, Sugartits! I thought we were through with that!" Voiced Pacifica. 

"Hey, I asked for it, Paz! You weren't using it! I LIKE it! WAY better than 'Red'!" Wendy responded.

"Would you like Blondie, Blondie?" Asked Rick.

"Blondie I can live with! It's nowhere NEAR as degrading!" Pacifica said.

"Sugartits isn't degrading! It's empowering!" Argued Wendy.

🎵 This is the happy house, we're happy here in the happy house, oh it's such fun   
We've come to play in the happy house ...🎵

"Ha! Nailed it!" Shouted Morty. "Oh boy, right again!"

"Let X=X." Rick finished.

"Rick! NO! You didn't load Laurie Anderson did you?!" 

"You'll have to wait and see, M-morty!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know, the damn thing just grows, like Topsy. Hekapoo was going to guest for two chapters, three at the most. Now we're looking at five or six. Maybe more! We may go to the Bounce Lounge, I don't know! I hadn't planned to introduce Star in this, she's only 12 or 13 (canon). Like I said in chapter one, these characters wander off and do whatever they want!


	28. Fire in the Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Devine smut. Rishathra. BOC. ON YOUR FEET OR ON YOUR KNEES!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More universal editing. Third pass. Finally got the joke I brought Hekapoo aboard for.

"Dude," said Wendy to Pacifica. "You let the pipe stall, dude!"

"Sorry. I'm new at this. It's my first time." Pacifica noted. She took a hit and passed the laser hookah directly to Wendy who toked and passed it along to Mabel. 

🎵 This is the happy house-we're happy here in the happy house.   
To forget ourselves-and pretend all's well. There is no hell.🎵

Wendy was caught up in the throes of an existential dilemma. She stared at her hands. "Dudes! Dudes. Duudes! Didja ever notice how some people have four fingers and other people have five?! Whoa, Dr. Pines has six! Trippy!"

"What the fuck are you going on about, Sugartits? Everyone in this room has five fingers. You're just stoned as fuck!" Summer said.

"No, she's RIGHT!" Dipper exclaimed, in severe paranoia. "Wendy, Paz, Mabel and I all have four fingers! And Hekapoo! The rest of you have five! How have I never noticed this?!"

Mabel was examining her left hand. "Ok, we have four! Grenda has five, Candy has four! Gideon had five! Maybe different people grow their fifth finger at different times, y'know?! Like wisdom teeth! When you're an adult you have five but it grows in who knows when?! Maybe Grunkle Ford could tell us!"

Rick was chuckling quietly to himself. "Gotta love the 420, right, (burp) Lee?"

"Oh, yeah! I remember my first time! I looked in the mirror and my face melted!. Gave me a great idea for scaring trick-or-treaters!" Stan remenesced. 

Rick passed the pipe to Hekapoo and noticed her suddenly four-fingered hands. "What's your game, Chickapoo?" He asked.

"Just having some fun, Slick! Like you wouldn't do it if you could!" She replied.

"I DO love fucking with people's heads! Fun's fun, but enough's enough! Kids! No need to bother Fordsy. I've seen this before, and I'm sure that the fucking finger fairy will be visiting tonight! Come m-morning, ALL of you will have five fingers. Perfectly n-normal natural process. Nothing to (erp) worry about." Rick expostulated.

"See, Summer? I TOLD you! Nobody's STONED! It's a perfectly normal natural process! It's not like this is my first time smoking dank herb!" Wendy said and started laughing uncontrollably. 

"Riiiight, Sugartits! My bad! No one's stoned here!" Summer joined Wendy in laughter. Everyone started laughing uncontrollably like an idiot, even Hekapoo.

Heavy guitar filled the room. Badadaboum, Badadoum, Badadoum, BADADOUM.  
🎵Oh yeah!  
It's been ten years, half my life  
Just getting ready but then it was time...🎵

"Finally! Something I KNOW!" Stan said. "Y'know, I used to see Soft White Underbelly back in Lawn Gyland, right after dad kicked me out." 

"I know it, too!" Hekapoo said coldly. "The Cult of the Blue Oyster! Favorite of the Queen of Darkness! No wonder there's a necromancer in the house. Dark magic!"

"Bull, dybbuk! Poindexter's right, he's a nice Jewish boy from Lawn Gyland! Why's a demon hung up on black magic, anyway?" Stan replied. 

🎵 Each night, It's Suzy's turn to ride.  
While Charles, the one they call her brother.  
Covers on his eyes, murmurs in the background  
It will be time...🎵

"Miss Carrie, nurse, and Suzy dear would find themselves at the Four Winds Bar." Rick said. "If you know what you're doing you can find the Four Winds bar on Long Island, just outside of Napeague. You can only find it in the last days of May, though."

"I'm NOT a demon! Why do you humans keep calling me a demon? I KNOW demons, Queen Wrathmelior is a dear friend, but I'M not a demon!" Hekapoo remonstrated. 

"I don't know. Maybe the horns?" Speculated Dipper.

"Naw, broseph, it's the flames! She wears flame like jewelery!" Added Mabel.

"Dudes, pointy ears, fangs, scary red eyes! And horns and fire and being sexy as hell!" Wendy considered.

"The kids have a point, Chickapoo. If you walk like a duck and quack like a duck, there's a fair chance you m-might be the genus Anas. You think we're evil, the kids think you're evil, I'm pretty sure everyone's right! Now shut up, it's Buck's solo!" The solo happened.

🎵 In times square now, the people do the polka  
Dominance, submission, radios appear  
New Year's eve, it was the final barrier  
Dominance, submission, radios appear.  
Dominance, submission....Dominance... submission......Dominance, submission  
Dominance, submission  
Dominance, submission  
Dominance, submission🎵

Rick, Stanley and for some reason, Wendy were all singing along, but only on Dominance. They threw an arm in the air, showing the horns every time.

"You humans ARE lame times a thousand! I can't believe I was worried!" Hekapoo said, with a musical laugh. She placed an inordinately long tongue in Rick's ear and then kissed him forcefully. "Whattaya say, Slick? Wanna live dangerously? It's been like, 400 years for me, I'll eat you alive!"

Rick made an adjustment to the music player and said, "You are ON, bitch! 400 years? This'll be EASY! You are going to come like a p-pack of well-trained (braap) sheepdogs! Lee, where's the shower?"

Stan indicated the door. "Through there, Rico. Management cannot be held responsible for any injury, maiming, mayhem or death which may occur while using the facilities! Enjoy!"

Rick and Hekapoo entered the room, hand in hand. It was gleaming, all white tile and chrome, eight showerheads, four on a wall. There was a hot tub in a corner. There were two urinals and two toilets. There were no stalls. Rick lifted the chubby deity up and kissed her, undoing her strapless bra. She removed his lab coat and tossed it aside. She tugged his (Robin's Egg) blue pullover off. He had a huge scar on his right side. He set her down and they stepped apart. Rick carefully deactivated the security system in his belt buckle and removed his pants. He paused and looked her over.

She saw him looking and took a pose, one leg forward, arms up and intertwined. Her breasts were impossibly firm, no sag at all, with yellow areolae darkening to orange at the nipples. Rick's left hand grasped the underside of her right breast while his right hand slowly moved down the length of her left horn, firmly holding its base. He flicked her nipple with his thumb. Her flame glowed blue. 

"Hornplay?! Sir, I hardly know you!" She made to slap him but he caught her hand.

"Bitch, you love it!" He took both horns and worked down their lengths, giving both a gentle backward twist at the base. Her knees trimbled. Holding her horns, he licked the undersides of each breast, only occasionally touching a nipple. He reached for the tiara in her hair.

She grabbed his hands. "The crown STAYS, Slick! It keeps me real!" Her flame went back to yellow. 

"Fine, you can keep your hat on!" He pulled off her panties. "Let's see what we're working with, here." He said. Her pubic hair was in the shape of a flame 🔥 but seemed to grow that way naturally. Her vagina was... different. He expected the color scheme, yellow and orange, but he didn't expect it to be cruciform. It was like a second smaller vagina was set perpendicular to the first in the shape of a cross. There was a clitoris at all four ends. "Hmm." He said. "I'll need a second to figure out how to work this." 

"Never seen one before, Slick?" Hekapoo mocked. 

"Not exactly like this, no. I'm used to a simpler m-model. Krutabulons have two, but they're side by side with only two clits. This m-may be a challenge." He walked over to where his lab coat was flung and pulled the portal gun from the pocket. "I have an idea, be right back." He said and portaled away. 

"Just like a man! Bring you to the edge and scuttle away!" Hekapoo fumed. She looked at her currently four-fingered hands and thought, this should work! She plunged a hand into herself and sprung the fingers outward along her lengths, hitting all four clits. She shuddered.

Rick returned with a small canvas bag. He removed a hypodermic needle gun, attached a small bottle of some sort of serum, removed his boxers and gave himself a shot at the base of his penis.

"Whatcha doin' there, Slick?" Hekapoo asked, spreading her legs.

"Making some m-modifications. Don't know what you're used to, but I'm pretty (urp) sure this'll work!."

"Sure you want to do this, Slick? That's a pretty thing, I hate the idea of turning it to ash, I am really NOT joking!" 

"I told you, not a problem! Let's DO this!" 

"All right, Slick! Your funeral." She reached for his dick and kissed the tip. She took it in her mouth and started sucking, just grazing the length with her fangs. She got an odd look on her face and pulled back.

She looked at it. As it became erect the foreskin pulled back and kept pulling back, splitting four ways, like a peeling banana. She stared. 

"Never seen one before, bitch?" Rick couldn't resist. 

"Not like that, no!" She blushed. 

"Let's see how it works!" He slowly entered her, the four strips of foreskin also engorging so they ran along her lips and covered her clitori. With every stroke her insides and outsides were rubbed, sensitized, titillated. She raked her nails across his back. She wrapped her legs around him, toes curling. Her flame burned blue then white. She erupted in flame and screamed.

 

🎵 Burn out the day  
Burn out the night  
I can't see no reason to put up a fight  
I'm living for giving the devil his due...🎵

"Wonder what's going on in there?" Pacifica asked, taking a drink.

""Trust me, Blondie, we're better off not knowing!" Said Summer. 

"You got THAT right, girlie! I remember Rico taking up with a gorgonoid from Zebulux prime. They had TEETH!"

"So?" Asked Dipper.

"You don't understand, Dipper." Morty explained. "Gorgonoid's have teeth, down there!" 

"Oh." Dipper said, quietly.

🎵 And I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you  
I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you🎵 

Screaming from the showers. Rick came out, stomach, chest and thighs red, a charred mass between his legs. He grabbed a bottle of vodka and emptied half of it in one pull. "WORTH IT!" he shouted. 

🎵 I woke up this morning with a bad hangover  
And my penis was missing again.  
This happens all the time.  
It's detachable.🎵

"King Missile? Very funny, Morty!" Rick groused. The lump between his legs turned to ash and blew away.

"I thought you'd like it! You okay?" 

"I'll be fine! Hurts like a bitch!" Rick returned to the showers. 

"I'd have rather not seen that." Pacifica said. She always forgot how weird it gets over here.

"You and me both, sister!" Mabel agreed

"Enh, not the first time." Muttered Stan. 

Morty and Summer just nodded and passed the pipe back and forth.

🎵 Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,  
I like having a detachable penis.🎵

Hekapoo was waiting. Her flame was subdued, tiny, a dull red. "I WARNED you, Slick! I'm sorry! I have never and I mean NEVER come like that! But it's all over now! You're ruined! (Sigh). Such a waste!"

"Bitch, don't worry! NOT a problem!" Rick snapped. He was a bit irritable. He switched the bottle in the hypodermic gun and gave himself another shot. A brand spanking new penis grew. He switched bottles back and gave himself another one in the base of his new penis. "Ready for r-round two? I'd try oral but I'm not willing to give myself four tongues. Or lose them. I lose dicks all the damn time!"

"You're serious! You're willing to do that AGAIN?! I'm touched! I've never had a lover come back, for obvious reasons! But even if they could, they wouldn't! You're something special, Rick Sánchez!" Hekapoo gushed.

" Don't get too attached, Chickapoo! I'm a free agent! My m-marriage turned to shit, the love of my life dumped me, twice, damn it all to hell, I MAY be in a relationship with the big guy in the stupid (belch) hat out there! And m-maybe his brother! And possibly his niece! It's complicated! I don't know if I can fit a deity in! I'm sure you're busy, what with being a god and all! Besides, I have no intention of doing THAT again! I think I have a way for you to enjoy a little bouncy-bouncy WITHOUT incinerating your (urp) partner." He went to the bag and pulled out a small black wrought iron ring. "I believe that a piercing with this will eliminate your problem."

Hekapoo took the ring and examined it. "I'm impressed! Nice forging, Slick! A little iron, unobtainium and...vibranium? Hard to do such fine work in vibranium! So you want me to put this WHERE?!"

"Right through your lips, Chickapoo! It'll sting a little but, trust me, nothing compared to what I just went through! Whattaya say?" Rick asked. 

"You had this the whole time and you still let me burn your penis off? Are you crazy?!" 

"Little bit. I'm a scientist, Chickapoo! It was data! I'm all about the experience! You gods never m-mess with science, what with m-magic and miracles, but trust me, it works better in the long run."

"I say go for it, Slick! If it does what you say, it'll improve my life! It's lonely enough being Immortal, this will be a huge help! If it doesn't work it'll look great! I can't lose!" She sat back on the concrete and spread her legs. Rick grabbed a tool from the bag and pierced her labia, right behind the frontmost clitoris. A tiny flame sprang up in the center of the ring. 

They went for round two. Hekapoo learned that there was such a thing as a multiple orgasm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little something for the older folks. Have more Blue Oyster Cult. A favorite of the Queen of Darkness. I for one would love to hear Eclipsa and Moon play "Don't Fear the Reaper". References to "...at the Four Winds Bar". Now I'VE gone recursive. When I first saw "Running With Scissors" and shipping Markapoo this problem crossed my mind. Happy to solve it for anyone else who had concerns about what sex with H-Poo might entail. If any artists are willing I would LOVE to see a rule 34 of my Hekapoo! Just not enough to actually, you know, pay for it. How often do you get to use the word 'clitori'?


	29. Interlude : At the Citadel of Ricks (and Morties)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> President Morty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reports are made (and lost).

Pocket dimension R-1-CK-01. The Citadel of Ricks. A Morty in the white uniform of the citadel sits at a computer, crunching numbers. He has thick hornrimmed glasses and a distracted air. A Rick, also in the uniform passes by him and knocks on the door of the Rectangular Office. The office of the President. "Sir!" Said the Rick. "There's been a disturbance on the Grand Concourse!" The door opened and President Morty invited the Rick into the Rectangular Office.

"What happened?" The President, dressed in a dark gray suit with a black shirt and red tie asked, offering the Rick a seat.

"Well, an alien of some sort with white skin, red hair and horns suddenly appeared and took a M-morty (bup) hostage! A security despatch chased the alien off and the Morty is being debriefed, but the office of Strategic Ricks is concerned! The alien seemed to have p-portal technology based on something other than a Sanchez portal gun! As near as we can tell from witness reports it used, um, scissors."

"Is the alien still on the Citadel?" The President asked.

"No. A complete security sweep has been m-made. No alien life forms that aren't m-morphological varients of Ricks or Morties present." The Rick responded.

"Any indication that this is the first step of an invasion?" 

"No. No subspace chatter, gravity wave disruptions, radiation spikes or (urp) fluctuations in the fabric of space-time apparent." The Rick pulled at his collar. The President was notorious for being easily upset.

"Any idea where the fucking alien went?" The President queried, rising from his seat.

"No. Analysis just indicates that it's n-nowhere on the Central Finite (braap) Curve." 

"So, there's currently no alien, no threat, no information. The office of Strategic Ricks is aware and working on the problem. Who's BRILLIANT idea was it to bring this to me NOW?" *

"I, I thought you would want to kn-know."

"This IS exactly the kind of thing that I would want to know about. THE SECOND THERE'S ANYTHING TO KNOW!!" The President shouted, shooting the Rick between the eyes. "MORTY! CLEAN UP ON AISLE HERE!"

The Morty with the glasses came in and dragged the Rick to an airlock and spaced the body. He sat down at his desk and started working again.

"Any luck?" The President asked. 

"Still no sign of Rick C-137 anywhere in the known m-multiverse." Glasses Morty answered.

"How hard is it to find one fucking Rick?!" President Morty asked, rhetorically. 

"There's like, infinite Ricks," glasses Morty said, missing the point. "I was failing m-math before Evil Rick kidnapped me, but I'm pretty sure one into infinity is as close to zero as to make no difference."

"Shut the fuck up, Morty. Wait, you were with Evil Rick? You ever believe in the One True Morty?" The President asked.

"I was kinda busy, hanging naked and getting stabbed in the kidneys every second." 

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that." The President said, returning to his office. President Morty, Morty C-137 sat down at his desk and thought to himself, it would've worked! I show up as the one true Morty and lead the subjugated Morties against my puppet, Evil Rick and start a jihad against every Rick in the Multiverse! But no! Grandpa's new Morty takes my place! I had him! I had grandpa right there and it all turned to shit! My plans to take over the Galaxy ruined because I needed the Galactic Federation intact! All turned to shit! Every plan I make! Turned to shit! I'll find you grandpa, I'll find you and I'll GET you, just like mom, dad and Summer! It's only a matter of time. 

In the outer office glasses Morty looked around, sighed, and brought up his file of incest porn. This pushed a report from a charity collecting Rick to the back of the queue. It would be roughly three years before the report worked it's way back. The report consisted of two words:

Found him. 

 

 

*At this point, please start playing 🎵 "For the Damaged Coda" by Blonde Redhead.🎵

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Need to check in with the antagonists every now and then. 🎵 Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahhh. 🎵


	30. Morty and Paz Hanging Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party REALLY gets started. Buh-bye Hekapoo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to get the kink on.

Rick and Hekapoo emerged from the showers and found the party in full swing. Rick was wearing a leather harness, leather pouch and a leather Zorro mask. Hekapoo was utterly naked and slightly flushed. Morty was handcuffed to the X, facing toward it, blindfolded, being fellated by Mabel while Wendy used her mother's cat on his back. Stan was humping Summer on the floor and Pacifica was hanging from her wrists in nylon ropes just tip-toe while Dipper was putting a second coat of hot pink latex on her. Her long blonde hair was gathered under a leather gimp mask, zippered shut.

🎵 Disco girl Feel the groove.  
Oh, watch her move OOH OOOH, OOH OOOH🎵

"What the fuck am I (braap) listening to?" Demanded Rick.

"Icelandic pop sensation Babba." Dipper said, looking up from his painting.

"It's fucking awful! Sounds familiar somehow." Rick said. "Chickapoo, while I've got my m-mods on, wanna try the basket?"

🎵 Disco girl Coming through,  
That girl is you OOH OOOH, OOH OOOH🎵

"You're ON, Slick!" Hekapoo replied. She looked around. "It's a shame Milly couldn't make it. She'd LOVE this place!" She got herself adjusted in the Chinese Basket.

"Wanna w-wind her up, Lee?" Rick asked.

"Twist your own woman, Rico! I'm kinda busy here!" Stan said, balls deep in Summer.

"You good, Paz?" Dipper asked, unzipping her mouth.

"I am GREAT! This is WONDERFUL! It tightens as it dries, it's like a full body hug! Shondra Jimenez was on to something!" Pacifica enthused.

A new song started. "I guess I can help, Rick." Dipper said, coming over. "What am I doing? Say, this is pretty good, what am I hearing?"

"Swedish pop sensation Abba." Announced Morty. "Ow! Sea cucumber! SEA CUCUMBER!"

"Had enough, Morty?" Wendy asked.

🎵 You are the dancing queen  
Young and sweet  
Only seventeen  
Dancing queen  
Feel the beat from the tambourine, oh yeah🎵

"Well, now I know why that other shit sounded familiar!" Rick said. "Dipper, you're just (erp) twisting Chickapoo up so she can unwind." He continued.

"Yeah, twist me up, necromancer! Don't worry, I don't bite!" Hekapoo alleged.

"The hell you don't!" Rick countered. "M-make her happy, Dipper! Take her by the horns!" He looked down at himself. "Fuck! I need fluffing! Dipper? Sugartits? Glitterface? Blondie? Just going to hang around all night? Lend a man a hand? Or mouth, your choice!" 

"Ew! No, thanks!" Exclaimed Dipper, taking Hekapoo by the horns and turning her around and around.

"Careful, fleshwad! Those are sensitive!" Hekapoo complained.

"Mphmeghlmm!" Mumbled Mabel, mouth full again.

"No WAY am I putting one of THOSE in my mouth!" Said Pacifica, lifting her toes from the floor and twisting gently around. "Besides, I LIKE hanging around! Shondra Jimenez is a genius!"

"I'm free, since Morty wimped out" said Wendy. "Just a quick beej to get you up, old man? Why not? Dad'll love the Sig Sauer, I kinda owe you." 

"Take advantage of a confused teenager? Sounds like me! Go for it, Sugartits! By the way, you probably deserve that more than Blondie!"

Wendy actually blushed. "Thanks, Rick! But Paz is bigger'n better than me." 

"That's what makes yours so sweet, Sugartits!" Rick answered.

Wendy blushed even deeper, pulled off the pouch and went down on Rick. She stopped and spat him out as he hardened, foreskin doing the banana trick again. "What the fuck?!" She exclaimed. 

"Just a little modification I put in place for our extra-dimensional guest, Sugartits! Chickapoo has special needs!" Rick explained.

"Really? Let me check." Wendy said, bending under Hekapoo's rump and examining her. "Holy shit! Four?! Nice piercing, lady! Can I taste? I've never tasted a goddess before!"

"Go ahead, fleshwad! I'm at the edge anyway!" Hekapoo said. She was nearly vibrating, eyes rolled back. Her flame burned blue. Dipper was holding her in place by her horns and had been stroking them the whole time.

Wendy gave a quick lick up and down, back and forth. Nice, she thought. Not quite human. Just a touch of...cinnamon? Hekapoo trembled more violently and started dripping on Rick's stomach. Wendy helped insert him. 

"Let her go, Dipper! FIRE IN THE HOLE!" Hekapoo started spinning, legs lifted, slowly at first but gaining speed. 

"Not THIS time, Slick! Not if your magic holds! OhoooohhhOooooooohhhAahhhAIEEEEeieeeOH!!!!" 

"Science, bitch! OH, GOD!!" 

Hekapoo's flame burned white and everyone closed their eyes. Even Morty, who was still blindfolded. It was THAT bright. The temperature of the room went up by about four degrees. The sound of flesh hitting flesh was heard throughout the room. Hekapoo wound down and collapsed on Rick. They lay there, spent. 

"That was INCREDIBLE, Slick! You have no IDEA how much I needed this! 400 years is too long. But I've got to go! Duty calls! You have magic mirrors in this dimension?" Hekapoo said, gathering herself. She was suddenly in the Ball Gown again. "Where's my damn boots? Oh, THERE they are!" She added, putting them on. 

"No, but I'm sure we can work something out. Can I see your magic mirror?" Rick asked. She handed him her compact and he did something with a small pink crystal. "There you go! Crystallized Zanthonite. That'll make your mirror compatible with earth phones. Give it a try." He said handing her back her mirror.

Hekapoo flipped it open. "Call Slick!" She said. Away in the showers Blue Oyster Cult's "Burning for You" could be faintly heard. "Really?! The Cult of the Blue Oyster? Dark magic? You humans are super lame! Still, I think I like you!" She opened a portal with her Scissors and left. 

Summer moaned and squeaked. Stan grunted and his fez (the only thing he was wearing) fell over his eyes. He rolled off of her.

"Lee, have you been raw dogging my granddaughter? Bitch, you don't know where she's been! I'm not ready to be a great-grandfather!" Rick grumbled. 

"IUD, Grandpa, remember? I'm insulted! I am CLEAN! KA-LEEN! CLEAN! Fresh as a fucking daisy! Was at the Globgarnian clinic just last week for my boosters! When did YOU last go? Besides, Stan's sweet! I'm sure I'm safe!" Summer assumed.

"You don't know him like I do, Summ-summ! YOU never washed Mucho-trivian eggs out of his chest hair!"

"Rico, that was years ago! I live a boring, celebate life here in Gravity Falls!" Stan argued.

"Boring? Grunkle Stan, you've been arrested four times since we met you, last year! You got US arrested twice!" Dipper said. 

"Pishh, cops! That's nothing! Water off a duck's back! Rico, let's sit down and have another drink." 

"Sure thing, Lee." Rick said, giving himself another shot in the crotch. "Let me fix junior up, here." They moved back to a couch, Stan donning his boxers and robe, Rick still in leather harness, pouch and mask.

Mabel stopped giving Morty a hummer and nodded Summer over to her. She whispered in Summer's ear. Summer's eyes lit up. Mabel put a condom on Morty with her mouth and said, "Morty, I'm gonna back up on that dick of yours, ok?" 

"Whatever you want, Glitterface!" Morty answered. Summer proceeded to mount her brother. Mabel snickered to herself.

"Waaait a minute! Mabel, did you get taller? Wen-wendy?" 

Wendy had thrown her flannel shirt on, open and wandered back to the other couch, where she was fooling with the laser hookah. "What?" She asked.

"Summ-SUMMER!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!" Morty screamed. 

"Something I've always wanted!" 

"Suck it up, princess incest!" Rick called out. "No rules this weekend, remember? Besides, (buup) I like to see your sister happy!" 

"WHAT ABOUT ME, RICK!" Morty shouted.

"I dunno. I assume you like to see your sister happy, too!"

 

In an entirely different reality Glasses Morty sat bolt upright. He didn't know how he knew, but he KNEW! Somewhere, somehow, something wonderful was happening!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's going to be a discussion re:.Babba and Abba and other such stuff next chapter. This one, I just wanted to play in the dungeon. Porn without plot. Porn without porn mostly, too. I keep telling you people, I'm really counting on your dirty minds.


	31. Dimensional Drift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morty embraces embracing his sister. Experiments in music Rick would rather not hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chromatic theory of musical displacement in dimensional drift.

"You can't tell me you're happy with this, Rick! You were just as squicked out as I was in Mr. Goldenfold's dream!" Morty said. 

"Can't say it sits well with my Catholic (braap) upbringing, but I've spent my whole life deprogramming m-myself. Don't think about it! How's it feel?" Rick asked.

"Pretty good! She's, um, more inventive than Mabel or Wendy." Morty replied.

"Damn right! I don't think either Glitterface or Sugartits was married to a Deathstalker or has pulled a Traflorkian train! I'm not Grandpa, but I've been around! You two aren't the only ones into rishathra! You're pretty tame, Morty!" Summer said.

"I'm chained to a pole, Summ! Wait 'til I get you home!" Morty growled. 

"YES! All I ever wanted!" Summer exalted. "Mabel, unlock him!" Mabel did so and Morty pulled back, away from the X, holding his sister and pulling her on top of him in a reverse cowgirl.

"YES! That's the ticket! I like it ROUGH!" Summer squealed. She suddenly took a lash from Wendy and her cat and collapsed in multiple orgasms. 

"Summer!" Rick intoned. "You didn't fuck the (urp) devil, did you?" 

"Grandpa Rick, Lucius was a perfect gentleman! He only screwed me financially!" Summer replied, standing and joining Rick and Stan on the couch. Wendy took her place on her still blindfolded brother.

"What's rishathra?" Dipper wondered.

"Sex outside your species." Answered Rick.

"It's common enough around here, Dipper." Stan added. "There's several woodpecker marriages, McGucket, that Grendinator woman, if someone ever takes up with Bodacious T, Mayor Cutebiker..." 

"Wait, Grenda?! I'm pretty sure Marius is human!" Mabel said. 

"Sweetheart, your friend isn't! She's half manotaur, I thought you knew." Stan stated. 

"Whoa, that explains some stuff! I guess MOST people can't smash rocks with their head!" Mabel assumed. 

"Most people don't use Laz-E-Boys™ as a weapon either, pumpkin. Grenda's dad is Pituitaur. Manotaurs are no good at the whole domestic thing, not even with womanotaurs. They just hang out in the Man-cave." Stan said. 

"McGucket, Lee? Hatfield McCoy walks on the w-wild side?" Rick asked.

"He was married to a raccoon. I don't think that his boy, Tate, stands for it since he moved in with him. How do you know McGucket, Rico?"

"He brought me over." Said Pacifica, still hanging from the ceiling, coated in pink rubber. "He got lost again, I had to find him, daddy always wanted me to keep an eye on OUR house. Tate was out, somewhere. I think you're right Mr. Pines. There's no sign of a raccoon in the mansion."

"You people are serious, aren't you?" Rick asked. "Woodpeckers? Racoons? What the fuck kind of place you (erp) have here, Lee?"

"Let's just say that the laws are different here in Gravity Falls. Courtesy of the founder, President Sir Lord Quentin Trembley III, Esq. Marriage laws are a bit more liberal than you may be used to. The age of consent is twelve for one and polygamy is legal. Quentin was married to a woodpecker once, himself. Basically, anything goes." Stan replied. 

"He made me a congressman! Unofficially, I'm the congresswoman-at-large for the Oregon Territory! Every now and then, when the house is deadlocked, I get a call and get to cast the deciding vote! I'M LEGALIZING EVERYTHING!!" Mabel proclaimed. 

"Raise yourself a little libertarian there, Lee? I approve!"

"That'd be her dad, Izzy. He's a software engineer, you know how computer people hate ANY kind of regulations." 

"Yeah, I kn-know! I was asking Hatfield McCoy if he knew Steve Jobs. I kinda (belch) AM Steve Jobs in about eighty dimensions."

"Who?" Asked Dipper. "Do you mean Steve Works? Founder of Pear computers? I have a Bartlett at home."

Morty, Wendy, Dipper, Mabel and Pacifica all took a seat on the other couch. Before they sat down Stan asked, "Dipper, is Northwest dry? I hate trying to get latex off the upholstery." 

"She's fine, Grunkle Stan." 

"You lotioned up, right Northwest? You're probably going to regret not taking my advice and shaving first, latex beats a waxing any day, I can't use it myself. Too hairy." 

"I'm not you, Stan! I covered up with your weird plastic G-string, my arms and legs are smooth. I'm fine! I just LOVE the way this feels!" Pacifica said. 

"You'll get warm, Northwest. Latex doesn't breathe." 

Wendy spoke. "Rick, dude, Rick-dude, what happened to the music?" 

"I turned it off, Sugartits. I'm not stoned enough to listen to Abba!" Rick replied

"Whose fault is that? Let's get the pipe going again and get some tunage in here!" Wendy said. Rick went and fetched his clothes from the showers and loaded up the laser hookah again. 

"Me and Dipper were running an experiment, Rick. A study in dimensional drift. Did you notice that Dipper said 'Pear' and 'Bartlett' instead of 'Apple' and 'MacIntosh' a minute ago? Same thing with music. Dipper loaded some of Mabel's favorite songs and I tried to find their counterparts from home." Morty explained. 

"I see. Your excuse for m-making me listen to lame shit is that it's (bup) science and I should use it to study the phenomenon of dimensional drift. You little shit! The sad thing is that it worked! I'm gonna need a bowl to m-myself first. Abba? Your taste is all in your mouth, Glitterface!" Rick said, loading and smoking a bowl himself. He loaded up again, took another toke and passed the pipe.

"Don't blame me, Rick-in-the-mud! Babba's all Dipping-Dots fault! I'm way cooler than that!" Mabel voiced. 

"Mabes, I love you, but no, you're not! Sev'ral Timez? Lame! They're just a manufactured product of the bloated corporate music industry." Wendy said. 

"Your dad's a fan!" Mabel riposted.

"Since when is dad music cool?" Wendy parried. 

🎵 Friday night  
We're gonna party  
'Til dawn  
Don't worry, daddy  
I've got my favorite dress on🎵

"C'mon! &andra's cool! Right?!" Mabel pled, hands held together in supplication. 

"Mhn. She's ok, I guess." Wendy allowed. 

🎵 And all the boys in this place,  
Are getting up in my face  
Boys are a bore  
Let's show 'em the door

We're taking over the dance floor!🎵

"Y'know, I never noticed how gay this song is." Said Wendy. 

"Me, either!" Stated Mabel. The pipe was making it's way around. 

"Neither did S&P." muttered Stan. 

"Forth wall much, Lee? This is better than Abba but not by much. Catchy, though. I'll give it that. Got some hooks" Rick said.

🎵 We're queens of the disco!

Oooh Ooh  
Girls do what we like  
Oooh Ooh  
We're taking over tonight

Taking over tonight!🎵

"So, what's our version, Morty? Whattaya got?" Rick asked. 

🎵Hello, wherever you are  
Are you dancing on the dance floor or drinking by the bar?  
Tonight we do it big, and shine like stars  
We don't give a fuck cause that's just who we are  
And we are, we are we are, we are we are  
The crazy kids, them crazy, them crazy kids 🎵

"Smooth! You've just ruined Ke$ha for me, Morty!" Rick complained. 

"Hmm! Same-y, but different-y! I like it, though!" Mabel decided.

"Mhn, it's ok, I guess. Not MY thing but Soos would love this, too." Wendy said.

🎵 I see ya in the club showin' Ke$ha love  
Trippin' on them bitches that be hatin'  
Catch a dub, catch a deuces  
Ya'll hatins useless  
It's such a nuisance🎵 

"I don't know music, but it's not all that similar." Stan said. The song played out. 

🎵 We built this city, we built this city on rock an' roll  
Built this city, we built this city on rock an' roll🎵

Mabel took a breath and started singing. She faltered. "The words are all wrong! The tune's the same but the words are all wrong! City scans better though!" 

"You have GOT to be FUCKIN' KIDDING ME! Starship? The lamest song in the history of ever?! Just shoot me, Morty! It'd be cleaner, quicker and easier!" Rick was not amused. 

"Spaceship! Formerly Madison Spaceship!" Mabel corrected.

🎵 Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don't you remember  
We built this city, we built this city on rock an' roll🎵

" I used to like Madison Aeroplane." Stan mused. 

"No, Glitterface! This is Starship, formerly Jefferson Starship! You're right, Lee! I used to like Jefferson Airplane. Is this any better in your dimension, Lee?" 

"Pretty much the same, Rico." 

🎵 We built this township, we built this township on rock an' soul  
Built this township, we built this township on rock an' soul

Radio plays the rhumba, listen to the mamba, don't you remember  
We built this township, we built this township on rock and soul🎵

"Oh, you are going to pay for this, Morty! Laurie Anderson is DEFINITELY on the playlist! Maybe United States! All eight hours! I may chain you, Dipper and Glitterface down and put on M-metal Machine Music! On a (burp) loop!" 

"THAT sounds good!" Wendy exclaimed. 

"It's an hour of white noise." Morty explained.

🎵 Revvin' up your engine  
Listen to her howlin' roar  
Metal under tension  
Beggin' you to touch and go🎵

"Ok, no United States! Kenny Loggins is bearable." Rick relented. 

🎵 Highway to the danger zone  
Ride into the danger zone🎵

"This is pretty good, but ours is better! Kenny Logarithm rocks!" Mabel asserted

"🎵 Startin' up your motor  
Listen to that tire whine  
Gonna have a blowout soon  
Danger is what we will find🎵

"Well, this is fucking hilarious! Sweet guitar, too! You're still getting O, Superman though, dipshit!"

🎵 Danger Lane to Highway Town  
Makes you all look like a clown.🎵

"You're right, Glitterface! Kenny Logarithm (AARP) rocks!" 

"Can somebody explain why you guys have Starship and we have Spaceship, but we all know Blue Oyster Cult?" Wendy asked.

"I never heard of Blue Oyster Cult before tonight!" Dipper said.

"Me, either!" Added Mabel. "I like 'em, though! Even that Hekapoo lady knew them! How does that work?!" 

"Glitterface, Sugartits, some bands transcend dimensions. BOC is always BOC, Black Sabbath is always Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd is always Pink Floyd. I don't think color has anything to do with it. Hmm...." Rick was pondering. DOES color have something to do with it? 

"I made a Dark Side of the Moon sweater! It's super cool!" Mabel said.

Morty was messing with the MP3. "They have Metallurgy, we have Metallica. They have Lead Balloon, we have Led Zeppelin. They have Sonik Jung, we have Sonic Youth. They have....Deep Purple and James Brown. They have King Crimson. Same discography. They have Frank Zappa. Ok, no color there."

"I need to think about this. M-morty, put Apostrophe on and play us out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun with music. Ke$ha doesn't really have anything in common with &andra but later I got to write really bad lyrics. I'm not sure if there's anything to the chromatic theory of musical displacement in dimensional drift yet, myself. I doubt it.


	32. Tempo di Bolero, moderato assai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More music and sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The best sex music ever

"More bottom end, Rick?" Asked Dipper. "That's some impressive bass. How do they get that tone?" The pipe was making its way around again. 

"Fuzzbox, Dipper. That's Jack Bruce on the fuzz (belch) bass." Rick said.

"I thought Bruce always said he just played one chord on this album." Protested Morty.

"He might've SAID that, but if you listen for ten seconds it's clearly Bruce's phrasing, M-morty! Frank always said that he was too busy."

"Frank's the guitarist, right? He's insane!" Dipper said.

"Blah, Blah, Blah, BLAH, BLAH!" Interjected Mabel. "This is BORING! Can you music nerds just shut up?! Let's do something FUN!" 

"What do you have in mind, Glitterface?"

Mabel took a hit off of the laser hookah. "I want a little more of that pink stuff, and I wanna fuck some more! That K-lax stuff really gets your motor running!"

"Yeah, it'll do that, kiddo. What do you think, Rico?" Stan said.

"Are you kidding, Lee? I've got a practically brand new dick here! If little miss hot-to-trot doesn't mind, this music nerd has the perfect background in mind." Rick replied, cutting several lines of K-lax. 

"The '56?"

""Of course the '56, Lee! It's only the best fucking version in the multiverse!" Rick busied himself with the MP3. The sounds of Ravel's Boléro, Boston Symphony Orchestra, conducted by Charles Munch, 1956 RCA records came out of the speakers. Everybody took a snort of K-lax. The blue hit. Tiiiiiimmeeeeeeee ssllooooooowwweeedd aagaaaainnn. 

Wendy blushed and stood before Stan. "No rules, right boss? I kinda wanna....with you..... since I was like, twelve...."

"That's flattering, Cordderoy! But Manly Dan would kill me!" 

"No, he LIKES you, Stan! Dad was happy when I got the job here last year. He never really wanted me to move upstate to work at my cousin's logging camp. But no one else would hire me!" She grabbed his hands and pulled him to the padded flooring, taking him in her mouth and putting a condom on him. "Take me, boss! TAKE ME!"

"Only if you quit calling me boss! That makes it... weird!" Stan said. 

Wendy looked around the room, focusing on the cat o' nine tails which had belonged to her mom. "Stan?" She asked, pensively. "Did you fuck my mother?" 

"You gotta be kidding, Cordderoy! Dan WOULD'VE killed me!"

Wendy continued. "Did you fuck my father?"

"Well...um...er...that is..."

"It's ok, Stan. I know dad's a bottom. We've dealt with 'uncle' Tyler for years!" Stan entered his one-time employee, blushing furiously.

While this was happening, Mabel grabbed Summer by the hand. "C'mon, Summer Shower! You gotta prime my pump! I got PLANS!!"

Summer grabbed her brother's member. "Morty, you're going to plow me and suck on Mabel's tits while she sits on my face! We're having a three-way!" 

"Fuck it! Why not? Weird is what we do, right?!" Morty agreed. 

At the same time, Pacifica carefully removed the plastic wrap g-string she had on disturbing the surrounding latex as little as possible. She struck a pose in front of Dipper. "Whattaya think, Pines?" She asked, a hot pink vision with blond bush exposed. 

"I take back all the probably fake blonde hair cracks I ever made!" Dipper answered.

"Silly boy! If you've got money, you can get snatch to match from any SERIOUS hairdresser. I don't, but you can!" She set herself up in the Chinese basket. Dipper wound her up and took his place.

Wendy noticed Stan suddenly getting stiffer inside her. She saw a grinning Rick Sánchez behind him.

"Hello, Rico." Stan said. "Been a long time." 

"Surprise, Lee! Miss me?" 

"Yes, you asshole! Queer!" 

"No, it's your asshole, Lee! Homo!"

The music built as the Boléro is wont to do. At the 9:02 mark Mabel nearly drowned Summer again. At 9:31 Stan shuddered and climaxed. 

Mabel stood, dripping and called out. "Rickster! We got a bet or what?! I'm ready, are you?!" 

Rick pulled out of Stan and changed condoms. "Where do you want me, Glitterface?"

Mabel looked at the old man. He's like a foot taller than Morty and five inches longer, she thought. Am I making a mistake? 

"Can't do it again, Glitterface! No way!" Rick taunted.

She positioned him about five feet from the horse. She sprinted at the horse, leaped in the air, turned a somersault, vaulted from the horse, spread her legs and grabbed her toes. She settled on Rick's penis, wrapped her arms and legs around him and cried, "YES!! MABEL PINES STICKS THE LANDING AGAIN!! I'M UNSTOPPABLE!!". It was 10:32, when the piece turns the corner and starts rebuilding to the final climax.

"Uh ohhhh! Somersault jump!" Rick said.

"What the hell is going on, Cordderoy?" Stan asked Wendy.

"Mabel bet Rick $100 that she could do, well, THAT! What she just did! Rick said she could never do it again and gave her odds." Wendy said.

"That's a lot to unpack, Cordderoy! Again? She's done that before? How? When? With who? I don't think I approve of my sweet, innocent niece and Rick motherfucking Sánchez! He gave her odds? WHAT odds?"

"Chill, boss! She lost it to Morty, earlier tonight, doing the same thing. Well, without the flip and vault. She just jumped on him. You're being a bit hypocritical, Stan! Haven't YOU been fucking Rick for years? Oh, and 100 to 1."

"She made ten grand? I feel better already! HEY, RICO! WHAT'D I TELL YOU?! NEVER BET AGAINST A PINES!"

"Fuck you, Lee! If I'd have bet against you when you fought that m-mook, we'd have made a hundred (erp) K!" Rick responded.

"Up yours! In case you forgot, I'd already beat like, eight mooks!"

"Homo!"

"Queer!"

The music continued to build. "Cordderoy. Watch this." Stan said. At 13:16 Dipper, who had been rocking Pacifica back and forth since she stopped spinning, came. At 13:50, when the last echo of tympani faded away, Mabel plunged herself on to Rick's full length. Morty drove into his sister with all his force. Both Mabel and Summer let out a squeak, accidentally harmonizing in a minor third, and Rick and Morty both came. Là petite mort achieved, all around.

"At your cervix, miss." Rick deadpanned. "That was amazing! A human woman hasn't surprised me in years! Girlie, Glitterface is inadequate, you are now Thunderpussy!" 

"The '56 is magic." Stan explained. "Rico! I don't want my grand-niece to be Thunderpussy!"

"I have a whole new respect for classical music." Wendy allowed.

"But Thunderpussy she IS, Lee! Roll with it!" Rick asserted. 

"This is so cool! A nom de guerre ! No, more like a nom de couchez !" Said Mabel.

🎵 All the gold and the guns in the world (couldn't get you off)  
All the gold and the guns and the girls (couldn't get you off)  
All the boys, all the choices in the wo-orld🎵

"Ok, the classical was cool and all, the best fucking music I ever heard, but I LOVE this! Who is it, Rick?"

"Metric, Sugartits. Out of Toronto."

"I'm never going to remember all this. Shit!" 

"You got a music player, Sugartits? Of any sort?"

"Normally, I just use my phone. Wait a second!" She found her boots, fished around and pulled out a small black box. "I kept this 'cause there's some files I couldn't find on my phone!"

"A ZUNE? Morty, we're a long way off the Central Finite Curve." Everyone moved back to the couches. Rick grabbed a screwdriver and made some adjustments.

"Hey, Macrostiff almost drove Pear out of the music player business. Everything changed when Pear brought out the E-phone." Dipper explained.

Rick tossed the mp3 back to Wendy. "There you go, Sugartits! 480 brontobytes of storage. Everything we have, you have."

"Good luck FINDING anything ever again!" Added Morty. 

"Aww! I want one!" Mabel exclaimed.

"I'll steal you one sometime, Thunderpussy. You earned it! Fuck, a tiny slip of a girl shows me a sex act I never performed! Something NEW! I don't believe it."

"Damn right, you owe me, Rick my bic! Speaking of which, Wendy! Sugartits, my winnings, please!" Mabel said.

"Here you go, Thunderpussy! That is so cool! I thought Sugartits rocked!" Wendy handed over five twenties and a platinum coin.

"Ugh!" Pacifica muttered. "You girls are so WEIRD! How can you let anyone CALL you something like that?"

"Thunderpussy is an old Lakota name, Blondie. Show some respect!" Rick said.

🎵 I remember when we were gambling to win  
Everybody else said better luck next time  
I don't wanna bend, let the bad girls bend  
I just wanna be your friend  
Is it ever gonna be enough  
Is it ever gonna be enough  
Is it ever gonna be enough  
Is it ever gonna be enough🎵

Cheesy drum machine. Bass. Mabel brightened up. "I hear EIGHTIES!!" 

"Yeah, you do! This is the Nails." Rick recounted. 

🎵 Deborah was a Catholic girl,  
she held out to the bitter end.  
Carla was a different type,  
she's the one who put it in.🎵

"Wait, I recognize this!" Stan said. "The band was still working it out! You dragged me to your home dimension. Boulder, right? Boulder, Colorado?" 

"You got it, (braap) Lee! The Blue Note, I think it was." Rick answered. 

"Yeah, and you dumped me for that blonde! What was her name? Diane?" Stan went on. Morty and Summer's heads popped up. They moved forward in their seats. Stan continued. "Took you a week before you sent me home. Whatever happened to her?"

"I, um, m-married her, Lee. We moved to M-muskegon, Michigan because apparently Colorado winters weren't fucking harsh enough." Rick said, sheepishly. 

"So, THAT'S what happened to you! Lost track of you. That's when I went on my Columbian misadventure! Two years, you sonovabitch bastard! So, these kids are Diane's grandkids? Your grandma was weird, kids! Actually LIKED this asshole! Chemistry major at CU." 

🎵 Sherri was a feminist,  
she really had that gift of gab.  
Kathleen's point of view was this:  
take whatever you can grab.🎵

"Let's not talk about Diane, Lee." Rick requested.

"Ok, the Nails. That roadie of theirs ever start his own band like he wanted?" Stan complied. 

"Hell, yeah!" Answered Rick, stoked to be not talking about family. "He m-moved to San Francisco, changed his name to Jello Biafra and started one of the best hardcore bands EVER! The Dead (bup) Kennedys! He went too far though. Got busted for pornography. They included a H. R. Giger poster in one of their albums. That was the end."

"Giger? The 'Otherworlder' guy? 'In space, no one can hear you die.' "

"Cinematic masterpiece." Muttered Dipper. 

"Yeah, well, THIS was 24 by 16 inches of (urp) vaginas being penetrated. Giger didn't only do aliens" 

🎵Tanya, Turkish liked to fuck  
while wearing leather biker boots.  
Brenda's strange obsession  
was for certain vegetables and fruits🎵

"He's doing stand-up comedy now. HE calls it spoken word, but I've seen the act. It's stand-up." Rick continued. 

Pacifica was antsy. She kept moving around. Finally she tore at her neck, tearing off the latex."Eww! I'm all sweaty in here!"

"Told ya, Northwest! Latex doesn't breathe!" Stan crowed. 

"I need a shower!" She exclaimed. 

"You'll probably need help with the latex. It may hurt, ya should'a shaved!"

"Oooh! I'll help! C'mon Wendy, I think you two need to talk! Besides, I want to do some topiary on both of you! It's like '70s porn in here!" Mabel gushed. "Join us, Summer! GIRLS NIGHT!!"

"Mabel, sweetie, where did you see '70s porn?" Stan asked, eyes to the heavens again.

"Mom and dad have a collection! Shh! They don't know Dipper and I watch them!"

"Why me, Lord? Pumpkin, leave the girls with something, their hair's too pretty to go all hardwood floor!"

"Hey!" Protested Summer.

"On you it works, dear. Real blondes and redheads are rare, it's like a badge of honor." Stan said.

"I'm a real blonde redhead!" Summer huffed.

Rick was doing something with scissors and a piece of cardboard. "Here, Thunderpussy. I made you a stencil."

Mabel looked at it. "Cool, Rikki tikki tavi! I can work with this!"

"Don't I get a say in this?" Asked Pacifica.

"Nope!" Countered Mabel.

"Just roll with it, Paz. Mabel's craziness is what makes life worth living!" Wendy said.

🎵 Judy came from Ohio,  
she's a Scientologist.  
Amaranta here's a kiss,  
I chose you to end this list.

Eighty-eight lines about forty-four women.🎵 (Unintelligible mumbling).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I maintain that the '56 Boston Symphony Orchestra, conducted by Charles Munch version of the Boléro is the best ever recorded. The Metric song "Gold, Guns, Girls" actually goes quite well with its driving beat and recurring themes. (Go, listen. I'll wait). More porn without plot, but little tidbits of backstory here and there. Rick won't let you learn more.


	33. Every Day, Every Single Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emotions bubble over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pacifica gets more than latex off her chest. Summer has more issues than we think.

Pacifica, Mabel, Wendy and Summer headed for the showers. Pacifica pulled a strip of latex off, from her neck to her navel, between her breasts. 

"You're doing that wrong." Summer said. "It feels much better if you get it all in one piece. Here, let us help. I've done this before. Thunderpussy, take her left leg! Sugartits, get her right. I'll get her backside." They worked their fingers under the latex, where Pacifica had removed the G-string. "Now, slowly, gently pull it down. Don't tear, stretch." 

"Guys? This is weird, you having your hands on me. I'm not INTO girls!" Pacifica said. 

"Relax, Blondie!" Summer replied. "Nothing sexual going on here..."

"Unless you want it to be!" Put in Mabel.

"...just helping a friend with some REALLY tight pants." Finished Summer. They slowly, gently pulled. The pink rubber was pulled from around her hips, down her thighs, across her knees, calves and finally off. Pacifica had to catch her breath four or five times during the process. For nothing sexual going on, it sure FELT sexual. Maybe she did want it to be. Summer tore the latex from Pacifica's navel to where it ended, just above her pubic patch. 

"Same thing, ladies. Mabel, left side, Wendy, right. You two get her titties and I'll work from down here." Summer knelt before the younger girl and working her hands under the latex just above Pacifica's crotch pulled the two sides apart, careful not to tear. Mabel and Wendy had their fingers pulling the latex from Pacifica's breasts. Pacifica had to catch her breath again and again. They moved up towards her throat and slowly pulled the latex off like a jacket. Everything was good until they reached her forearms. 

"Ow! Ow, ow, OW, OW, OW!" Pacifica exclaimed as tiny, fine blonde hairs were pulled from her arms. "Maybe I should've shaved!" They finally got the latex removed.

Summer let her hair down. "Now we wash her." She said, turning on a shower. 

"Guys? Not that I don't appreciate it, but I'm perfectly capable of washing myself." Pacifica intoned. 

Mabel was gazing at Summer. "Summer?! Summer Shower?! Why do you wear the ponytail?! You're GORGEOUS with your hair down, girl! Fierce!"

"It's a pain in the ass dealing with it. Besides, I live an active lifestyle. Don't want hair getting in my eyes or whatever in the middle of a firefight with Gromflomites. I don't know how you do it. You all have ridiculous great hair, down to your butts, but it's manageable! What kind of product do you guys use?"

"Product? I wash it. Generic shampoo." Answered Wendy.

"Pearty plus conditioner." Said Mabel.

"Vidal Baboon Xtra Xpensive Salon Xpressions." Replied Pacifica. "It really takes care of flyaway. My hair's so fine without it I look like a dandelion."

"Unbelievable! She washes it. Sugartits, I would kill for your hair! It just GROWS in control?" Summer said.

"I have jew hair!" Mabel mourned. "Nobody wants that!"

"Mabel, it's thick and bouncy and can be styled. Not like my flat boring flyaway stuff. It just hangs there!" Pacifica argued. 

"I don't think you're paying attention, Summer. My hair's in my eyes all the damn time! Mabel's gets in her mouth." Wendy asserted.

"Ptoo! Patooie! Hair in my mouth! Like that! Dipper likes to flip it over my head and in my face! Ya gotta make sacrifices for style, though! Why do you think I have glitter everywhere!"

"Fashion IS very important." Pacifica said solemnly. 

"Look, I agree!" Said Summer. "A Mark Jacobs top saved my life once! Wait, let me show you something!" Summer ran out of the showers while Pacifica continued to take advantage of being ignored to bathe herself. 

In the main room, Rick was strapped to the horse and Stan was using the cat on him. He was speaking to Dipper. "Now, the Dom keeps pushing until the sub uses the safe word. In a properly run dungeon the sub is in control at all times. A lot of doms so enjoy the feeling of being in control that they don't notice they aren't. Subs tend to be type "A" personalities, not a hard and fast rule, but usually. They enjoy the illusion of giving up control while still maintaining it. It would be easier to teach dungeon etiquette if SOMEONE WOULD USE THE SAFE WORD, RICO!"

🎵 Strangelove  
That's how my love goes  
Strangelove  
Will you give it to me?🎵

"You're nowhere near my limits, Lee!"

"You're bleeding, asshole!"

"Hmm, a bleeding asshole! Maybe the pear of anguish?"

"I'll just herniate your colon, asshole! No, I think it's ball peen hammer to the fingers time!"

"Cuttlefish! CUTTLEFISH!!"

Summer shook her head and grabbed her wallet. She returned to the showers. Mabel and Wendy were towelling Pacifica off. Summer pulled a picture from her wallet. It showed Summer in a metallic gray low cut top with shoulder pads, leggings attached to garter belts, gray Manolo Blahnik cuban heeled shoes and gray metallic aprons in front and back. Not a skirt. Her hair was down and blowing in the wind. She was holding a Thompson sub-machine gun and standing next to a ferociously cut large man with a bucket on his head in a leather harness not unlike the one Rick was wearing. They were standing in front of several custom cars on a dusty plain. 

"You were in a MOVIE?!" wondered Pacifica.

"Looks like the new Mad Mark! Our Summer Shower's an actress! Too cool! Who's the hunk?!" Mabel said.

Wendy was taking a closer look, paying close attention to the cars and the landscape. She had some experience in this area. "Um, dudes? I think you're missing the point. Summer was a road warrior for real!"

"Well, duh! That's not the point, it's the outfit! THAT'S style! It made you think I looked good enough to be in a movie! Thanks! I THOUGHT I looked good!" Summer crowed. 

"Wait!" Said Pacifica. "For real? Like, hunting people for gas? Killing people?" 

"It's what you do in a post apocalyptic world, Blondie. Them's the rules!" 

There it is again, thought Pacifica. The rules. Summer has no problem hunting people while looking fabulous, because that's part of the rules. You can do anything you want if it's the right time and place, it's the rules! I have to figure out the rules!

"That kinda sucks, Summer! I've been on the other side, being the one being chased, being hunted! It sucks! Not cool!" Wendy chewed Summer out. 

"Yeah, I know! That's how we started! You turn it around! I shot their leader with a sawed-off shotgun and they welcomed us with open arms. You're still here, Sugartits! You must've turned it around."

"Dipper can be VERY persuasive. I suppose beating the biggest of them in single combat didn't hurt any."

"Right! Post apocalyptic bands are suckers for a bit of confidence and a show of force! You turn it around! Morty had himself quite the career in the BloodDome. Forty-five and O. Unbeaten. Of course, unbeaten! He's still alive!" 

"Wait a second!" Chirped Mabel. "You're saying Morty, whose nose I broke earlier, KILLED forty-five guys in single combat?! How am I still alive?! He didn't touch me!"

"This isn't the BloodDome. You're a pretty girl. Morty's kind of a wimp. It wasn't always single combat, sometimes it was two, three on one.” Summer said. 

"So he could kill three guys at a time! He's SUCH a wimp!" Mabel seemed confused.

"Yep, he could. And yep, he is!" Summer asserted. 

"Anyway, it's time for style!" Mabel exclaimed. She had barber's clippers, barber's shears, a razor and shaving cream and the stencil Rick gave her earlier. "Wendy, Pacifica lie down on the bench! Let's clear some brush from your bush!" 

"I'll pass, if it's all the same to you, Mabel." Pacifica begged off.

"Not an option! You don't need the totally radical super cool design I'm giving Wendy, but once you see it you'll change your mind! But you need at least a trim! It's wild woodland down there, girl! Someone could get lost! I don't want to send a search party out for my brother! You're cool, right Sugartits?!"

"Go for it, Thunderpussy! Style me up!" Clippers buzzing, scissors snipping, razors razing, in no time Mabel was done. Pacifica took one look and reneged. She'll have what Wendy's having, please. 

Summer saw the results and muttered. "Rick, you're SUCH a dick! The logo of a band eight people knew about when they were actually together!"

Pacifica was admiring the results in a mirror. A stylized lightning bolt of flesh colored flesh in front of a rectangle of blonde hair. The lines and edges impossibly straight especially given the medium. Mabel is a genius! Wendy joined her at the mirror and examined herself. 

"Sweet! Sensual sisters, Paz! We're a set!" Wendy enthused. 

Mabel called out. "So, I was just opening random doors, because I'm a creep, and I found THIS! It's a sauna! Who wants a schvitz?!" 

"Never saw the point myself. Sweating without working? It's a rich people thing." Wendy opined. 

"It's good for the skin." Pacifica said. "C'mon, lumberjack girl!" They all entered the sauna and sat. 

"You sayin' there's something wrong with my skin, Blondie? They're freckles!" Wendy responded. 

"What?! No!! I'm saying that we both have great skin, let's keep it that way! I'm trying to be nice! I'm not good at it! I want to be friends, Wendy! I have so few! Besides.... besides...." Pacifica trailed off. 

"Yes?" Wendy asked.

Pacifica cleared her throat. "I love him, Wendy." She said quietly.

"Easy enough to do, isn't it? I missed my chance, you're good for each other. But if you hurt him, Blondie, I'll break every bone in your body!" Wendy said.

Pacifica continued. "I'm doing this wrong. I want us to be friends. Friends share, Mabel taught me that. You're important to him, lumberjack girl. So you're important to me. You haven't missed your chance, I won't, I can't take you away from him. What I'm trying to say is that I'm willing to shar."

"This is all so sweet, I may puke!" Summer spat. "Listen, ladies! As the grand old woman here, let me tell you something. We are way too young to be taking shit this seriously! I was in a shitty situation so I got married. To the hunk in the photo, Mabel. Hemorrhage Bonecrusher. New leader of the Deathstalkers. Total FUCKIN' DISASTER! Lasted a month. My mother got married at seventeen because of, well, because of ME! Car got a flat on the way to the abortion clinic, so they rethought some things. That's how loved I am! I thought I ruined my parents lives. I was packing up to go to the southwest and, I don't know, do something with turquoise when Morty comes into my room to stop me. I think he's going to make some soppy, empty gesture and I try to stop him. He tells me that he and Rick DESTROYED THE WORLD! That my brother and grandpa stupidly blew themselves up, leaving room for him and Rick, the Rick out there, to move in. That nobody belongs anywhere, nobody exists on purpose, everybody dies! And then he gets this look on his face and says come watch TV. Like life is horrible and pointless but he can carve a tiny piece of joy out of a simple thing like watching TV with his sister. Who isn't even really his sister! So I guess my point is that there's no reason for all this drama! Weren't you listening to Stan? POLYGAMY IS LEGAL HERE! In this shitty little town you're of age! All three of you could get married tomorrow if you wanted! It would be an incredibly stupid thing to do, but you COULD! Mom divorced dad, but they're trying to reconcile. Because grandpa Rick is an asshole! Mom thinks she may be a clone! And fuck it, she might BE! But clone or not, she's my hero! She's Rick's daughter! That means she's a fuck-up like him! Like me! But she chooses, she chooses every day, every single day to do the right thing! To be GOOD! She learned when she was seven that her greatest joy was cutting open living things! Is she a psychopath? A serial killer? NO! She's a fucking SURGEON! OK, horse surgeon, but still! I think she's my mom. I think she chose to stay with us and not put a saddle on the universe like Rick and me do! Because that's the kind of choice she makes every day! I don't know why I'm telling you this! Fuck!"

Mabel put her arm around Summer. "Because sometimes you gotta tell someone or you'll 'SPLODE! Summer, Summ-summ, Summer Shower, I know I just met you and your brother and grandfather today, but you feel like family! That's not necessarily a good thing because we Pines suck at family! Unless it's being a strange, difficult devoted dysfunctional family thing! We RULE at that! We will die for one another if we don't kill each other first! You've given me a great idea, but I need to discuss it with my family first! Everybody sweat enough?! Good! Let's shower and rejoin the guys! I accomplished EVERYthing I wanted, Wendy and Paz acknowledged the elephant in the room, and I don't have to look at unkempt bush! Win-win!"

They showered, washing each other, even Paz, dried off and rejoined the males. Pacifica still trying to work out the rules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone had to make the argument for Beth. MaryPSue understands, read her "That Old Black Magic". Music is Depeche Mode.


	34. The Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick takes revenge. Pacifica learns the rules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Rick.

Stanley was tending to the wounds on Rick's back. He was looking at the large scar Rick had on his right side. "Fuck, Rico! What bit you?" He asked.

"Didn't duck in time, Lee. Took a round from a fucking Ingram M-mac 10." Rick replied.

"I've pulled slugs out of you before, Rico! No way a 9mm did THAT!" Stan countered. 

"I was a pickle at (bup) the time."

"Not even gonna ask. Oh, the girls are back." Stan said.

"Yeah, and I wanna show off my handiwork! TA-DAAH!!" Mabel vaunted, indicating Wendy and Pacifica's pubes. The girls stepped forward, flaunting the new do's. 

"Wait, I was joking!" Rick said. "I just gave you that stencil to piss Summer off. There's no way it (burp) worked!" 

"Voilà !" Mabel said. Rick looked at the barbering.

"Well, that's impossible, Thunderpussy. How did you get such straight lines from short and curlies?" 

"So?! That makes four impossible things I did before breakfast! The Red Queen's got NOTHING on Mabel Pines!" Mabel answered. 

"She's an artiste, Rico. Girl's got talent! She makes her own clothes, she sculpted me out of wax, she does a decent hundred dollar bill except she takes liberties. Can't do that with counterfeit." Stan said with pride. 

"She made the bad queer she tried to pass on me? Not bad, Thunderpussy!" Rick declared.

"Mabel! You tried to defraud Rick Sánchez? Oh, pumpkin, I'm SO PROUD of you!" Stan said.

Morty had noticed the carnal coiffeurs. "Really, Rick? Throbbing Gristle? Do they KNOW they're wearing the logo of a band no one's heard of?"

"I know, right? I TRIED to tell them, but they decided it looked good. I think it's a bad move, if they stand together they look like an S.S. emblem. They just need Mabel with a death's head between them." Summer explained. 

"That was the joke! I knew it would piss you two off! I never expected it to WORK!" Rick said. "And that's why I always say, 'Shumshumschilpiddydah!' Speaking of music..." Rick handcuffed Morty to the wall and cuffed Dipper and Mabel together. "... I have vengeance to take!" He went to the mp3. 

🎵Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  
O Superman. O judge. O Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad.  
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  
O Superman. O judge. O Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad.  
Hi. I'm not home right now. But if you want to leave a  
Message, just start talking at the sound of the tone.🎵

"YOU BASTARD!" cried Morty. 

"This is... different." Said Dipper. "Anything besides vocoder?" 

"Some synth and sequencers. Laurie tends to be minimalist." Rick answered. 

🎵 And I said: OK. Who is this really? And the voice said:  
This is the hand, the hand that takes. This is the  
Hand, the hand that takes.  
This is the hand, the hand that takes.  
Here come the planes.  
They're American planes. Made in America.  
Smoking or non-smoking?  
And the voice said: Neither snow nor rain nor gloom  
Of night shall stay these couriers from the swift  
Completion of their appointed rounds.🎵

"Why is all your music SO SAD, Rick?! This is scary!" Expressed Mabel.

"No, this is cool as fuck!" Wendy said. "I bet Tambry could just tear this up!"

"I think it's soothing, Mabes. It's beautiful. Haunting, maybe, but not scary." Dipper argued.

"Why am I getting mental pictures of a stuffed toy rabbit?" Asked Pacifica.

"Beats me, Blondie. Sounds like a personal (erp) problem." Rick answered.

"It's annoying and r-repetitive and Rick just plays it to torture me!" Morty asserted.

"Eh, I can take it or leave it, but it is funny how it gets up Morty's nose!" Summer said.

🎵 In your automatic arms. Your electronic arms.  
In your arms.  
So hold me, Mom, in your long arms.  
Your petrochemical arms. Your military arms.  
In your electronic arms.  
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 🎵

Hypnotic synth, droning, rising and falling like the sea. 

Rick unlocked Morty and the twins. "There, you little fucking shit! Play me Starship, will you? Serves you right!" 

"Ok, ok, jeez Rick! You got me back!" Morty admitted.

"Of course! That's the rules!" Rick gloated. 

Pacifica sat on the floor in the Fetal position. "Is there free will? Is it all a game? What are the rules? You all keep going on about the rules! I did something horrible tonight! WHAT ARE THE RULES?! Why do you all do whatever you want and I never do? WHAT ARE THE RULES?!"

"Blondie, you're Pacifica Northwest! You ALWAYS do what you want!" Wendy said. 

"Yeah, everyone knows that!" Dipper agreed.

"Then, what everyone knows is WRONG!"

"Like always." Muttered Rick.

🎵 What's to tell you  
When normal comes naturally?🎵

"I never do anything I want! It's always someone else!"

🎵 Fleshy webbing  
Rots separate, yet so alive  
They found holes inside  
We've got holes inside🎵

"WHAT ARE THE DAMN RULES?!" 

"Blondie, sweet cheeks, there ARE no rules! The universe, the MULTIVERSE is a crazy, chaotic place! The best you can hope for is situational awareness! You walk into a place, a situation and you gauge. You assess. What m-might kill me here? What might help? What can I get away with? Cut my losses or dive in? Right, Lee?" Rick articulated. 

🎵 Grubs in muscle  
It sends a chill right up my spine  
They found holes inside  
They found holes inside🎵

"Right, Rico! Northwest, I've watched you. You KNOW the rules! Better than your father. Let's say that you want to take over a company. Do you just storm in, hostile takeover, overwhelm them with the power of money?" 

"Daddy would. He'd call it a show of force." 

"Right, but Preston's an idiot. What would Pacifica Northwest do?" Fireworks were going off in the music.

"It doesn't make sense to tie up capital that way. I'd bruit a rumor that a third party was interested, maybe line up a couple of proxies inside, have them come to me as a White Knight. That way the feds start sniffing around their board of directors. That'll cost maybe half, even counting bribes to those proxies."

"Perfect! You LISTEN to your father's expensive lawyers and accountants, don't you?"

"That's what they're for! Daddy always thought they were cosmetic, something you had to have to be taken seriously. But they're useful!"

"Kid, you'll be fine! As for not doing what you want, you're thirteen. You don't know what you want. When I was thirteen, I wanted out of Glass Shard Beach, to spend forever with my brother, to get all the girls and to get rich. I think. My memory's not what it used to be. Oh, and to not die in a cloud of radioactive gas. Sumthin' about missiles in Cuba when I was thirteen. You kids don't know how good you have it, not hiding under your desks once or twice a week, rolled up in a ball, kissing your ass goodbye, practicing for when the russkie's kill us all. Right, Rico?"

"I was out of school in sixty-two, but had my fill of hiding under desks in the fifties. But dad was IN the fucking nuke business, 'til '58 when we moved to Houston to do the (braap) space thing. Where'd this business bullshit come from, Lee?"

"I've branched out since we worked together, Rico! It's a lot easier, not to mention safer, to rob a bank with a ledger than a gun. Let me tell you about burglebezzlement sometime!"

"So there ARE no secret rules? It's just common sense?" Pacifica asked. 

"Common sense ain't that common, Northwest." Stan said. 

"Listen, Blondie. You're smart. That means you can take the universe for a ride! It'll try to throw you and eat you, but nothing personal. It does that to everybody! I'll help if you like." Rick added. 

"That reminds me! Dipper! Grunkle Stan! I have a great idea I want to talk to you about! " Mabel announced. 

The Pines conferred in a corner. Stan could be heard saying, "That's a GREAT idea sweetie! I don't know if Poindexter will go along with it though." Dipper glanced over at everyone else looking thoughtful. Then he grinned, rubbed the back of his neck and said "I'm in!"

"Kids, Sugartits, Blondie? I think (urp) we're in fucking trouble!" Rick conjectured. 

"Rico! Let me finish fixing you up. Ford has something to take care of that parabellum wound that looks like you got hit with an RPG." Stan pulled some ointment from a shelf and applied it to Rick's fresh whip wounds and the scar. The fresh wounds closed instantly and the scar disappeared. 

"Wait," Dipper said. "You have something that eliminates scarring? Why do you still have that brand on your back that I thought was a tattoo?"

"Because a scar looks good on a Pines! Besides, it helps me remember, even before I had my memory wiped it helped me remember. It's important to remember!"

"Can I have some of that for Paz? She could USE it!" Dipper asked.

"Little Miss Perfect has scars?" Stan looked at Pacifica's back and nipples. "Northwest, do I need to go beat some sense into Preston?" Dipper applied the ointment and Pacifica's scars disappeared. 

"Taken care of, Lee!" Rick said, breezily. 

A voice was heard coming from downstairs. "Stanley? Kids? Richard? Smiths? Soos is making breakfast!" 

"Let's go see what sixer says!" Said Stan.

" Real fucking (erp) trouble." Muttered Rick. 

 

A version of the logo:  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music is Laurie Anderson and Pretty Girls Make Graves. I'm given to understand that Netflix has introduced "O, Superman" to a whole new generation via Black Mirror. Obscure references to Bandersnatch here. I don't Netflix or chill, everything is via osmosis. As for the logo the girls have, consider the red as hair and the black background as not being there at all. That leaves the outline of the lightning bolt and that's what's impossible.


	35. Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We have a nice breakfast. The shit hits the fan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Breakfast. Ford and Rick discuss being playthings of the Oracle. Weddings, diamonds and stuff.

Rick, Stan, Morty and Dipper all took a quick shower. Everyone got dressed and they headed downstairs. They trooped into the kitchen where Ford was sitting at the table, head in hands. Two people Rick, Morty and Summer hadn't seen yet were sharing cooking duties at the stove, a fat Hispanic man with a Van Dyke and a pleasantly plump ash-blonde woman in their early to mid-twenties. They were wearing matching outfits, with olive green T-shirts and matching Ball Caps all emblazoned with a question mark and khaki cargo shorts. Bacon and hash browns were frying, batter was being mixed, a griddle and waffle iron were heating up. Everyone crowded around the kitchen table. 

Ford looked up. "What did I do last night?!" He moaned. "Richard, was I hallucinating or did the Lady Hekapoo turn up in my house?"

"Whose house, Sixer?" Asked Stan.

"We've been over this, Stanley! MY house! I built it, it's my name on the deed!"

"Who paid the mortgage? Whose name was it when the deed was issued? And since this is Gravity Falls, where possession is 100% of the law, who HAS the damn deed? It's in MY safe, Poindexter! My house for more than thirty years, you've lived here, what? Six, seven years?" 

"Dudes, I'm paying rent on it now!" Said the large man at the stove. 

"Can it, Soos!" Exclaimed Stan and Ford in unison. 

"Where ARE my manners?" Continued Ford. "Soos, Melody, this is Rick Sánchez and his grandchildren Morty and Summer Smith. Rick and I sort of conducted a coup against the Galactic government while he helped me build my quantum destabilizer."

"Cool, whatever. Sánchez? ¡Bienvenido señor Sánchez! Soy Jesus Alzamirano Ramirez, encantado de conocerte! Esta es mi esposa Melody. ¿Quieres panqueques o gofres?" Soos said. (Welcome Mr. Sánchez! I'm Jesus Alzamirano Ramirez, pleased to meet you! This is my wife Melody. Do you want pancakes or waffles?) 

"¡No delante de los blancos, gilipollas! ¡Pensarán que estamos guardando secretos! ¡Mierda!" Rick replied. (Not in front of the white people, asshole! They'll think we're keeping secrets! Shit!). "This is America, cholo! It doesn't pay to make the gringos uncomfortable! As long as we're going all old country, old school, soy nombre Ricardo Montalbán Carlos Rodrigo y Sánchez. Waffles. Kids, waffles or pancakes?"

The Smiths chose waffles. The Pines went with pancakes. Breakfast was served. Rick placed the boombox in the center of the table.

🎵 All my friends know the low rider  
The low rider is a little higher🎵

"Grandpa Rick! Be nice!" Summer admonished.

"I am being nice, Summer! Cholo talked Spanish at me, cholo gets cholo m-music! Would you prefer Santana? 'Oye Cómo Va' maybe?" Rick said.

"You're being a dick! Poor guy probably doesn't get to speak Spanish much, he tries to make you feel at home, you jump down his throat! You don't HAVE to be a passive-agressive asshole!" Summer replied.

"I think we both know that's not true, Summer! (Belch) It's who I am!" Rick responded.

🎵 Low rider don't use no gas now  
Low rider don't drive too fast🎵

Mabel interrupted. "Wait, wait! Esposa?! You're MARRIED?! Mazel tov, you two! Why weren't WE invited?! I kinda take credit for you two!"

"Sorry, Mabel." Melody apologized. "It was MY wedding! I hardly know you guys! Soos wanted you here but I wanted something small, family only."

"WE'RE FAMILY! Right, Soos?!" Mabel asserted.

"You sure are, Hambone! But, out of my hands. Happy wife, happy life!" Soos said taking a mouthful of pancakes. 

"You're smarter than you look, (erp) cholo. I didn't figure that out until it was WAAAY too late." Rick said.

"Speaking of family, where's Abuelita, Soos?" Dipper asked. 

"Once she got me married off, she decided her old bones couldn't take another Oregon winter. She's in Jalisco near Guadalajara where she grew up, visiting family. She'll be back in a couple of weeks." Soos explained.

"Good for her! So, Mel, show me the rock, girl! I might have missed the wedding, that stings a little, but I can still check out the ring!" Mabel said. Melody passed Mabel her left hand and Mabel pulled a jeweler's loup from her sweater and gave the ring a good going over. "Nice! Very nice! We have a cousin in the trade, I know something about diamonds! How'd you swing that, Soos?!"

"Cousin? I'm pretty sure neither Samantha or Miriam have kids! Someone would have TOLD me!" Stan protested. 

"He's YOUR cousin too, Grunkle Stan! Immanuel, Great-grandma Opal's nephew!"

"Oh, yeah, little Manny! How's he doin'?"

"Little Manny is forty-six! He's fine, runs a jewelry store on Forty-seventh and Sixth in New York. He takes after you, Grunkle Stan! He even calls the rubes marks!" Mabel mopped up some syrup with a slice of bacon. Waddles was fine back in Piedmont, he's just too big to take the bus! Just because your best friend is a pig is no reason to deny yourself! Kosher happens to other people! 

Ford was speaking quietly with Rick. For one thing, his head hurt too much to speak loudly. "The Lady of the Portals was here? I wasn't sure Mewni existed."

"Chickapoo? Yeah, we got on like a house afire!" Rick laughed to himself. 

"Richard! You DIDN'T! It's Jheselbraum the Unswerving all over again!" Ford inveighed.

"That haughty bitch? Fordsy, Chickapoo is NOTHING like (braap) Vagisil the Unyielding! She's actually FUN! How do you know her?" Rick asked.

"I don't! Jheselbraum told me about her and Mewni. Wrote a monograph about it, I have a copy somewhere, never published. 'Mewni:an Overview'. Just a page or so."

"Fuckin' history professor! Lighten up, Fordsy! I saw you checking out her tits, you w-wouldn't believe how good they are!"

"I did, didn't I? I meet the Lady of the Portals, the Protector of Dimensions and I stare at her cleavage! She's been making portals for more than 1,000 years! I'm so embarrassed!"

"Fordsy, Fordsy! She stuck 'em in your face! Woman shakes her ta-tas under your nose, you look! Rude (bup) not to." Rick maintained. 

"I suppose. I think Jheselbraum had concerns about the direction Mewni is heading." Ford said.

"Fuck that! I am OUT of the world saving business! Vagisil can fix her own shit! Bitch didn't kill 117 quadrillion Gromflomites, WE did! I am NOT doing that cunt's dirty work anymore!"

"Not sure if we have a choice, Richard. Destiny and whatnot. She wanted an end to the Galactic Federation, she wanted the elimination of Bill Cipher, she wants the relaxation of Mewman hegemony."

"I don't believe in destiny! I also have no fucking idea what the fuck a m-mewman IS! I'm not getting involved this time, Fordsy!"

"You already are, Richard. I gather you and Hekapoo are 'friends'? With benefits?"

"Oh, fuck me! Caught up in another one of Vagisil's (burp) clusterfucks? Sometimes I wish I was an idiot like the rest of the sheeple!" 

Meanwhile, Soos was answering Mabel's question. "We had a VERY good year, hambone. Word got out about the 'Never Mind All That' and conspiracy nutjobs from everywhere want to see where the end of the world didn't happen! Most of 'em we tell never mind all that but if they're insistent and rich we have them sign a boatload of forms, non-disclosure agreements, waivers out the yin-yang, contracts that will outlast the Constitution and take 'em up the hill to see the Cipher statue. At $10,000 a head! If they try to shake its hand, they signed away the right to have their arm broken! AND pay a $50,000 fine! The ring could've been bigger, but we're simple people."

Pacifica was dumbfounded. "You're RICH, Jorge? Excuse me, Soos. STAN'S rich? And you live like THIS? I apparently don't understand ANYTHING! More rules?"

"Why would we want to be anywhere else?" Soos said. "We already live in the best place in the world! The Mystery Shack! Besides, if we want a change of scenery, we can always go to (cough) your old house. Mr. McGucket has given us a blanket invitation to stay with him anytime! Looking forward to using your old pool this summer!"

"Being ostentatiously rich pisses people off, Northwest. Puts a target on your back. Being quietly rich makes it easier to get richer. After a certain point money's just a way to keep score. I never figured the guy who dies with the most stuff wins. The guy who dies with the most money wins!" 

"Money's for spending, Grunkle Stan." Dipper said. 

"Well, yeah Dipper. Stanford's toys don't come cheap! Besides, I LIKE brown meat! Keeping the Stanleymobile up runs into a bit. Do you know how much parts for a vintage 1965 El Diablo Convertible run? I had to replace the whole thing after I totalled it to fake my own death. So, no Rico, NOT the same shitty ride! I've rebuilt her something like fifty times! Probably should do something about these cataracts!"

"Yeah, Lee. Got it. Totally different shitty ride. Fordsy's m-making my life difficult over here!" Rick looked up from the monograph Ford had found for him. "So it's a fucking feudal monarchy? Devine right of Queens? Fuck it! Take down the m-mewmans and let the monsters run things. This reads like a metaphor for Western (urp) imperialism!" 

"Plus ça change, Richard. Except the devine right exists. It's called magic. I don't think Apartheid with the monsters in charge is what Jheselbraum is looking for." Ford explained. 

"No, it's still the same old royalty scam. The ones in charge are in charge because their ancestors were bigger bastards than anyone else's! I don't give a fuck what Vagisil wants! I don't want to be involved at all! None of my business!" Rick vented. 

"Maybe we can avoid it. Experience tells me we're going to be drawn in. Did I ever get any K-lax last night? I feel worse than just hung over" Ford said. 

"Nope, you passed right out!" Rick grinned.

"Mr. Ramirez, Mrs. Ramirez, how did you sleep last night? Are you feeling guilt, despair, anguish, suicidal tendencies?" Ford asked Soos and Melody.

"Funny you should ask, Dr. Pines! I had the nightmare that I was a tapestry again! Haven't had that in a while! And Melody kept waking up with bad dreams, too! Right, novia?" Soos responded.

"I WAS tempted to stir some rat poison in my coffee. Lo siento, coreño!" Melody replied.

"Right! Bill Cipher was here yesterday. We eliminated him. We have psychic fallout. Fortunately, Morty brought us a cure! Kalaxxian crystal. It should eliminate the aughh aughh aughhs, but you may feel a little sick." Ford reported.

"Comfortably Numb, Fordsy? Didn't know you had it in you!" Rick chuckled.

Everyone had finished breakfast. Dipper and Mabel cleared the table and started doing dishes. Ford cut three lines of K-lax. 

"Drugs, Dr. Pines? I don't know..." Said Soos. 

"Strictly medicinal, Soos. Unless you take it like Richard."

🎵 I need someone a person to talk to  
Someone who'd care to love   
Could it be you, could it be you🎵

"I resemble that remark, Fordsy!" Rick said, eyeing the size of the lines Ford was cutting. "Cholo, mija, I'd split one if I were you."

"Ok, Mr. Sánchez! How come I'm a half-breed gang banger and my wife is a beloved daughter?" Soos asked. 

"She's THAT much cuter than you are, Cholo! Don't mister me, I'm Rick! NOT Ricardo! Rick! I HATE being mistered!" Rick replied. 

"Too much, Richard?" Asked Ford.

"By no means, Fordsy! Take two!" Rick chortled. So Soos and Melody split a line and Ford took the other two. Soos and Melody started tangoing around the kitchen and Ford froze in place. His eyes were a deep blue. 

🎵 I take one, one, one 'cause you left me   
And two, two, two for my family   
And three, three, three for my heartache   
And four, four, four for my headaches   
And five, five, five for my lonely   
And six, six, six for my sorrow   
And seven, seven for no tomorrow   
And eight eight I forget what eight was for   
And nine nine nine for a lost God   
And ten, ten, ten, ten for everything, everything, everything, everything🎵

"You never had any regard for safe dosages, Fordsy! If you wanted m-medicinal it should have been a pinch. A bullet. I'm afraid you're going to be paralyzed for about twenty minutes. Lee! Anything you want to say to your brother now that he's a captive audience? It occurs to me now that I heard your feud from BOTH sides and you know what? You're BOTH petty assholes!" Rick gloated.

"We cleared the air pretty well already, Rico! Six months alone on a boat, you can get through a LOT of baggage!" Stan said. "I'm going to watch TV." He took his seat in the living room and flicked the TV on. 

"Anything on, Lee?" Rick asked. Everyone else (except Ford) trailed into the room and took a seat. Soos and Melody danced to the stairs.

"Um, me and Mel are going upstairs to... dance some more! That's it, more dancing! I may be a little late opening today, ok Mr. Pines?"

"Yeah, right! The old horizontal bop, right, Cholo?" Rick called.

"You're the boss, Soos! I wouldn't open at all, I doubt people are in the mood for a mystery today! We had a HUGE day yesterday, let's take some time off!" Stan said. "Anything on, Rico? Sunday morning, I doubt it. Religious crap, religious crap, religious crap, something called 'Help! My Mummy's a Werewolf 3: Another One', the Black and White Period Piece Old Lady Boring Movie Channel, religious crap, religious crap, the local news. That'll do!"

"Good morning, Gravity Falls! I'm Shondra Jimenez and our top story today is..."

"That your latex lady, Lee? Nice cheekbones!" Rick asked. A graphic on the screen read "DEATH BY FIRE!!"

"Once upon a time, Rico. Not so much anymore. Now, SHUT UP! I wanna hear this!"

"...the night, local millionaire Preston Northwest died in his home at 1123 Pileated Woodpecker Way. Authorities say Mr. Northwest apparently exsanguinated from wounds inflicted when a full length mirror smashed onto his body in his bed during a house fire. Experts say that the fire was caused by a short in the breaker box of the home. Foul play is not suspected. I repeat, foul play is not suspected. The whereabouts of Mr. Northwest's wife Priscilla Northwest and his daughter Pacifica Northwest are unknown. If anyone knows the whereabouts of Priscilla and Pacifica Northwest, they are encouraged to call the Gravity Falls Sheriff's department or this station. Preston Northwest is known for owning Northwest Mudflaps, the Northwest realty company and for sitting on several multinational corporation boards of directors. He underwent financial difficulties when, excuse me, ahem, never mind all that. Mr Northwest is survived, presumably, by his wife and daughter..."

"Tough titties, Blondie! Looks like you have a call to make. Cops, or TV, your choice." Rick commiserated.

"It's not like we didn't know this was coming! Like I'm going to willingly call the cops! Besides, Shondra Jimenez and I have something in common, now! Give me a minute." She started crying, pulled out a phone and stepped out onto the porch. 

"I didn't know this was coming!" Stan groused. "What the fuck, Rico! Something I should know?"

"Sure you want to, Lee? Plausible deniability and all that?"

"I'm in it up to my neck, aren't I? God damnit, Rico! It's fuckin' Kansas City ain't it! And Grunkle Stan's goin' to have to ferry little miss Perfect over to Blubs and Durland, ain't he?"

"It's nowhere NEAR as bad as Kansas City, Lee! Here's the cover. Blondie turns up here yesterday morning, day before, I'm not sure, after her parents got in a huge fight, ribs broken, assault, battery, the whole nine! Mama lights out for the old homestead, Texas, I think and stashes Blondie here to keep her safe. Not the first time, right? You've covered Blondie's ass before. That's it, that's all you know! Blondie can fill you in on the way there."

Pacifica stepped back in, tears flowing, nose running. Like a faucet being turned off, everything stopped. No tears, no snot. She wiped her nose on her sleeve. "That should hold them until they call Mom. I'm sorry Mr. Pines, can you take me to the Sheriff's department? I'll tell you whatever you think you should know on the way. I'd wait for the whole story until we're through, though. What you don't know can't hurt you, right?"

"You two script this or what?" Stan asked. 

"You said it yourself, Lee! She's smart!"

Stan and Pacifica left, to go talk to the sheriff. Rick looked at the TV.

"Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway? Well then, you gotta get owl trowel!"

"Bobby Renzobbi sounds a little like Morty, too!" Mabel exclaimed.

"Enough of this shit! Let's look at the religious crap, maybe that Douchebag from Houston is on. I DO enjoy crank calling him!" Rick said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The universe edited again. First take didn't have anything about Mewni at all. Internet ate it. The Oracle keeps using her Knight Errant. Manny isn't Hasidic but is making it anyway. When a scam goes bad, it's always Kansas City. I personally have nothing against Joel Osteen, been by his church a thousand times, but Justin Roilland crank called him. Therefore Rick crank calls him. Music is War and the Violent Femmes.


	36. Ball Fondlers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick installs interdimensional cable. Strange family history. Field tests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We get TV! History, dysfunction, gifts and more!

Rick soon got bored with religious programming. He pulled a piece of Crystallized Zanthonite out of his pocket and wired it into Stan's satellite box. "There!" He said. "Interdimensional cable! Lee'll love it! Kids! Whatcha wanna watch?"

"Ball Fondlers!" Said Morty and Summer together.

"No jumping in the sewer! Ball Fondlers it is! Hope it's the one wh-where they make some (urp) shit in a garage!" Rick said, finding an episode of Ball Fondlers.

"Rick, that's every episode!" Morty responded.

"Ball Fondlers? Do I even wanna know?" asked Dipper. 

"Relax, Dip. It's not what you think." Summer replied. 

"Everyone has a Plumbus in their home, why not you? Clean your toilets! Shine your shoes! Cook your meals! Couliflank your grizziwazzles! Pardiwob your padgiwadgets! If you shorten your chumble, keep your synthetic laser eels from oxidizing!" The TV nattered. 

"Fuck! And I had one in the garage the whole time!" Rick complained.

Mabel trotted off to the kitchen. "Grunkle Ford! I have a proposition for you! Just as well you can't talk right now, hear me out..." Her volume dropped until no one in the living room could make out what she was saying. 

"Deep DEEP shit!" Rick muttered. "Mason! What's your sister planning?"

"Well, MR. SÁNCHEZ, I'll let her tell you in due time. The shit's not that deep, you might like it! It's a compliment!" Dipper answered. Everyone sat back to watch the rescue of the pretty girl, explosions, bloodless firefights, explosions, improvised weapons, explosions, vehicle collisions, explosions and explosions. In other words, Ball Fondlers. 

Mabel returned from the kitchen. "I THINK he agreed, Dip-dop! I think I saw a kinda smile and an almost nod! Operation Bliss is a go! Gotta wait 'til Paz and Grunkle Stan get back!"

"Deep fuckin' shit." Mumbled Rick.

"Don't be that way, Rick-in-the-mud! You'll LIKE it! Really, truly!" Mabel said. 

"Yeah, right! A fucking compliment! I'll believe it when (burp) I see it! Don't you have a m-mission to run, Thunderpussy? Unicorn hair?"

"Fuck, you're right! I plain forgot! It's been a busy day!" Mabel pulled a phone from somewhere. "Candy? Oh, hi Mrs. Chiu! Is Candy available?! ...This is Mabel, Mabel Pines!... Yeah, we're back!... Cool, thanks! .......Candy? This is Mabel! Clear your calendar, girl! We've got another unicorn quest! ..... Yeah, is Grenda around? ....great, meet you over here! Super! Bye!" She put her phone away. "Getting my squad together! Wendy, ready to kick some unicorn ass again?!"

Wendy spun her hatchet in her hand. "You bet, Mabes! Dudes, ever punch out a horse? Fighting unicorns is kinda like that, except for the horns. Don't worry, we're crazed, angry, sweaty animals! We're not unicorns, we're WOMEN! AND WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT!" Wendy exclaimed, punching a wall.

"Um, Dipper and I aren't women." Morty protested.

"Eh, close enough!" Wendy answered.

"Thanks, I guess?" Said Morty. 

"This isn't helping my deep-seated masculinity issues." Dipper complained.

"Dippenator, you're as butch as they come! You stood up to the Manotaurs, you faced off against Bill Cipher over and over again, just yesterday in fact! You know you're a guy, I know you're a guy! Don't worry about it!" Mabel said.

"Mom dressed me as a girl until I was seven, Mabes! I'm still insecure!"

"Shit, Blondie isn't the only one who was tortured as a kid! Any reason your Mom fucked you up, kid?" Rick asked

"My, um, junk didn't drop until I was eight."

"Cryptorchidism? Easy fix. Orchiopexy. Why fuckin' wait? Cryptorchidism is dangerous. Testes don't like the heat"

"Dude, you might as well be speaking greek." Wendy said.

"I kinda am, Sugartits. Cryptorchidism m-means undescended testicles. Orchiopexy is the surgery to fix it. Which begs the question, why didn't you (belch) get the surgery at one like a normal person?"

"Mom refused to believe that I wasn't a girl."

"Well, that's fucking criminal! Believe me, I know criminal!"

"Morty, can I tell him?" Summer asked. 

"I'd rather you didn't, Summer." Morty answered.

"C'mon, it'll help him out! Know he's not alone, kind of thing."

"Since you just told him, go ahead and tell him."

"Ok, Dipper, Morty had the same deal. Except our mom's a doctor, kinda, so he had the surgery at nine months. Dad was against it though. He thought Morty was a girl."

"Wait, MORTY had cryptorchidism? And Jerry was against the surgery? I'll fucking kill him! Why's this the first I heard about this?" Rick ranted. 

"You weren't around, Grandpa Rick! It's all been over and done with for years! I forgot about it until Dipper told his story." Summer said, reasonably.

"I was pretty young at the time." Morty added. "It's just a story to me. I don't see that it's anybody's business, though."

Rick thought back to his own Morty, the one he fed to the frogs. He WAS late, about ten days old, when HIS balls dropped. Weird, yes, but nothing like this. The condition is pretty rare, less than one percent of the population. Oh, well. The family is mutants, dad stood too close to uranium and plutonium too much. Wonder what fucked up the Pines gene pool? There's this, Fordsy's polydactyly, who knows what else. He thought about Morty Jr.'s heterochromia. "Any heterochromia in the family?" He asked.

"Still Greek, dude!" Wendy announced.

"No, I KNOW this one! Yes! Both our aunties have one blue eye and one brown eye! Tesla wears colored contacts under her glasses but Merms just wears glasses! Heterochromia radium or something like that! Why do you ask?!" Mabel queried.

"My fucking great-grandson had it. Heterochromia iridum. He had one brown and one green eye." Rick explained.

"That's not fair, Rick! Junior was only half human. He had LOTS of shit going on!" Morty recounted.

"Like being ten feet tall, bright red with arms growing out of the sides of his head? With claws? I suppose it DOES make two different colored eyes less noticable." Rick said. 

"I'm proud of him, Rick! He overcame his violent nature and having m-me as a dad! Two best-selling novels! Most male Gazorpazorpians can't even talk, according to Summer!"

"That's to make up for the females, who talk too much! Fuck, it's their god-damned greeting! 'I'm here if you need to talk'! Shit! They tried to kill me for farting!"

"For treason against womankind and for creating the sound of which we do not speak because it does not exist, Grandpa Rick!" Summer asserted.

"You were WAAAY too into the place, Summer! Still, you DID save our asses and prove to me that m-maybe, just MAYBE, chicks belong on adventures."

Wendy spun her axe again and Mabel leveled her grappling hook between his eyes. "Care to rephrase that, Rick?" Wendy asked, in a low, menacing tone. 

"Fine, fine! Chicks definitely belong on adventures!" Rick conceded. The weapons disappeared.

"Two best sellers?" Asked Dipper, trying to defuse the situation.

Summer laughed. "Yeah, 'My Horrible Father' and 'My Robot Mother'. Though robot's being generous. She was a sex doll with a genetic compiler and incubation chamber."

"Be nice, Summer. Gwendolyn may have been a sex doll, but she's still the mother of my child." Morty said.

Wendy's head swiveled to stare at Morty. The word "Gwendolyn?" escaped her lips involuntarily.

"Yes. I happen to think it's a sexy name! So sue me! Send me to the home for the incurably dorky!" Said Morty, defensively.

"It's MY name! I never met anyone who thought it was anything but a train wreck before!" Wendy blurted. 

"REALLY?! And here I thought you couldn't get any sexier! Wow! Hey, Gwendolyn! Gwen, Gwennie, Wendy, Sugartits! That is SO HOT!" Morty expressed.

"So you really are a dad? Summer wasn't just yankin' my chain?" Wendy asked.

"Yeah, Morty Smith jr. He's dead now." Morty explained.

"Dude, I'm sorry! What happened?"

"He had a good run! Respected, best selling author. Not bad for a homicidal maniac. Old age. Made it almost eleven months. That's extreme old age for a Gazorpazorpian. Short lived species." Morty said.

"That's horrible!" Wendy emoted.

"That's nothing! On my first adventure with Rick I ran into a thing that went from birth to death of old age in four seconds. Don't think about it, Gwendolyn!"

"Y'know, I never liked my name. But I like the way you say it."

"Yeah, yeah, very touching, young love and all that bullshit (urp). But we got shit to do! Dipper! Fordsy tells me that the shack is under some sort of magical sheilding. That true?" Rick said.

"The unicorn spell? It kept Bill's weirdness out. Hell, it kept BILL out! Wait, how'd he get in here yesterday?" Dipper replied.

"He was smuggled in, in Lee's idiot brain. Thing still standing?" Rick asked.

"As far as I know. Let me check! Watch the windows." Dipper ran out, a chime of a bell was heard far away, and a blue dome with mystical sigils appeared outside the shack for a fraction of a second. Dipper came back in. "Did you see it?" He asked.

"Blue flash with bullshit written on it? Yeah, we saw it. Morty! Portal home, in weapon locker number three grab a tachyon rifle! We've got field tests to run! No point in sending Thunderpussy and you guys out for unicorn hair if the shit doesn't work! Sugartits, help me drag Fordsy outside. If this goes tits up, I don't want him in the shack in case I burn it down or some shit! Fuck, I guess somebody better get Cholo and Mija, too. Who wants to walk in on pudgy sex?"

"I'll do it! It'll be cute!" Mabel said.

"Mabel, just knock, ok? Soos and Melody aren't exhibitionists like you! Be discreet! Don't embarrass them!" Dipper pled. 

"Give me SOME credit, broseph! Who has more discretion than Mabel?" Mabel asked.

"I don't know. Anyone? Everyone?" Dipper snarked.

"Pfishh! Kiss my white ass, bro-bro!" Mabel said, flipping up her skirt and exposing it. Dipper realized he was seriously considering it. His sister had a really cute tuchis. NO! Can't go there! Incest is immoral, gross and just plain WRONG! Morty and Summer seemed ok with it. He thought about how often Mabel was naked in front of him. No, I'm reading too much into this. Mabel LIKES being naked. It's a family thing. Grunkle Stan hates wearing pants. Mabel glanced back at him over her shoulder, flipped her skirt back down and winked. She ran upstairs to fetch Soos and Melody. Maybe if I cross my legs nobody will notice. Wait, nobody was here TO notice. Rick and Wendy had carried Great-uncle Ford outside, Morty had portaled away, Mabel was upstairs. He sighed a sigh of relief, turned, adjusted his hard-on and then saw Summer smirking at him.

"Go for it, Dip!" She said. "She wants it. Bad! She helped me nail my brother, the least I can do is help her nail hers! Yeah, it's a little freaky, but face it Dipper! We're freaks! I never met anyone who got into as much sheer crazy bullshit as Rick, Morty and I do. Until I met you guys! Eldritch Abominations, vampires, giant robots, we have so much in common! Hell, an actual fucking GODDESS from another dimension turns up and it's Dipper Pines who steps up to deal with her! I'm gonna hate to leave this place and damn it, you're ALL coming home with us until this psychic fallout bullshit is done with! I don't care what dad says, I don't care what RICK says, you're coming with us!"

"I'm glad to hear you say that, Summer! You're going to LOVE Mabel's surprise! You really think so? Mabel's into me? We, um, sleep together a lot, but that's the night terrors. You need someone there who KNOWS! Y'know?" Dipper said.

"Trust me, I know! You have a special bond with the person you get PTSD with! Our parents don't know, but either Morty or I will sneak into the other's room most nights. Otherwise you wake up screaming and that just pisses everybody off." Summer answered. 

Footsteps were heard coming down the stairs. Mabel came in, leading a slightly flustered Soos and Melody.

"Mabel! Did you KNOCK?" Dipper scolded.

"Of course I knocked, brotein shake! Then I went in! Melody has the CUTEST rose tattooed on her left cheek! I just wanna kiss it!"

"You kinda crossed the line there, dawg! I just wish I could stay mad at you guys." Soos said.

"I can!" Muttered Melody. 

Dipper crossed his arms, closed his eyes and shook his head. "Mabel. Apologize to the Ramirez' RIGHT NOW or...or I'm not speaking to you!"

"Like that's going to work! Lighten up, broseph!" Dipper turned his back on her. Mabel ran around him to face him again. "Dipper! Talk to me bro!" He turned his back again.

"Better do what he says, Thunderpussy. You fucked up." Summer said.

"Language missy! These are children!" Snapped Melody.

"Ok, lady! I was on your side until that! One, we burned THAT bridge a long time ago! B. These 'children' regularly face off against crap that'd make you shit yourself! Mabel's staked vampires, bitch! How many vampires YOU killed?" Summer answered.

"Why, none of course! Vampires aren't REAL! How many have you killed?" Melody retorted.

"Mel..." Started Soos.

Summer's eyes rolled up and to the left. She briefly counted on her fingers. "Forty-seven. There were about 200 in the nest, Tiny Rick got about ninety and Morty got the rest. I'd do better now of course. I was still kind of a noob back then."

"Oh, video games! We love them!" Melody said, hugging her husband to her. 

"Mel, honey, remember the sentient video game stalking me when we met? The Mystery Twins deal with that kind of junk ALL THE TIME!. I don't know who Blondie here is for sure, but I believe every word she's saying." Soos communicated. 

"Thank you, Cholo! Can't call me 'Blondie' though. Pacifica's got dibs on that. You can call me Red, I've always wanted someone to!" Summer said. 

"Sure thing, Red! Could you maybe, possibly, like NOT call me cholo? I don't really care for it." 

"Why not? What do you want to be called?"

"My name's Soos."

"You want to be called by your NAME? How boring! If that's what you want."

"El Tigre, maybe." Soos said. 

Summer giggled. "You dipshit! You got it! You are El Tigre to Summer Smith forevermore! So, Thunderpussy, you gonna apologize to El Tigre or what?"

Mabel, who was getting dizzy running around her brother who kept turning his back on her, responded. "I have to, don't I?! Soos, Melody, I'm very VERY sorry for busting in on your conjugal activities! I'm a creep, a sneak and a peeping Tom! I'm VERY bad and deserve punishment! Maybe....a spanking?!"

"It's a trap, Tigre! I'm betting she likes spankings and I KNOW she hasn't a stitch on under that skirt!" Summer warned. 

"We're cool, girl-dude! You know I could NEVER strike you, right? Mel, you cool?"

"No, but I accept the apology." Melody said. 

"Mabel! There you are! I've been looking for you!" Dipper said, suddenly.

"Fine, we're all cool, except for miss stick-up-her-ass, let's get out of here before Grandpa Rick blows the place up or whatever!" 

"Wait, what?" Said Soos as Mable, Dipper and Summer pulled Soos and Melody through the gift shop and across the parking area where Rick was tossing his anti-matter pistol from hand to hand. Ford was laying on the ground, head pillowed on a rock. Wendy had taken her flannel shirt off and tied it around her waist by the sleeves. Her white tank top made it abundantly clear that she wasn't wearing a bra. She was blowing a bubble of bubble gum. 

"About fuckin' time!" Said Rick. "What took you so long? You waited (belch) for them to get dressed? What part of imminent fucking disaster don't you get? This was a fire drill people, and you failed miserably. Now, where the fuck is Morty?"

A late model sedan pulled into the parking lot and two thirteen year old girls bustled out. One was a tiny wisp of an Asian girl with glasses, a two-toned green striped shirt, a short skirt and knee socks with Mary Janes. The other was taller, stockier, with straight brown hair tied up in a high pony tail, a pink shirt with the word Cool in a darker pink emblazoned across it, jean shorts and pink athletic shoes with ankle socks. She had a beauty mark on her right cheek and looked surprisingly feminine for someone who also looked like they could crack Brazil nuts in their bare hands. Mabel ran up to them and gave each one a hug and a kiss on the lips. With extra tongue. The small one merely raised her eyebrows at the kiss while the larger one just shrugged and put her hand up Mabel's skirt. Mabel grabbed them both by the hands and led them over to where everyone was gathered. 

"Rick, Summer, these are my BFF's Candy Chiu and Grenda Grendinator! Candy, Grenda, these are Rick Sánchez and his granddaughter Summer Smith! He's like a super-scientist from another dimension and Summer's his cool action girl sidekick! His other sidekick, his grandson Morty is off in another dimension collecting weapons! They're criminals! Hardcore! They bring down governments!"

"That's a little overblown but technically correct, Thunderpussy. I'm gonna (braap) let it stand. Mulan, Hoss, nice to meet you. I'm Rick, NOT Mr. Sánchez. Just clearing that up right away."

"We are criminals as well. We will CUT you!" Candy said. A butterfly knife appeared in her hand for a split second. "Mulan is Chinese, Mr. Rick. I am American girl."

"I don't wanna be Hoss" grumbled Grenda, in a voice like a professional wrestler with a bad cold.

"You can earn new ones. Mabel's gone from Glitterface to Thunderpussy and Wendy's moved on from Red to Sugartits. I'm warning you, I'm going to be loathe to give up Mulan. It reminds me of my favorite Szechuan Sauce, my raison d'être if you will, my nine-season arc."

"I am not Chinese. I am American girl."

"Suuure you are, Mulan. Neoneun hangug-in-iya? mabel-ui seongjeog chwihyang-e daehae gamsahaeyahabnikka?" (You speak Korean, Chiu? Do I have you to thank for Mabel's sexual precociousness?)

"Ama ulineun chingu-ibnida. hangugmal-eun aju johjiman dung-geun nun ap-eneun eobs-seubnida. geudeul-eun uliga bimil-eul jikigo issdago saeng-gaghal geos-ibnida." (Perhaps, we are friends. Your Korean is very good, but not in front of the round-eyes. They'll think we're keeping secrets.)

Rick broke up laughing. "You have NO idea how much I deserved that, Mulan! Really? Round eyes?"

"Old tongue, old thoughts Mr. Rick. I apologise if any offense was taken."

A portal opened up in the meadow (the party had crossed the gravel parking area and settled in a kind of wildflower filled lawn beyond.) Morty stepped through with a tiny black Gucci bag with a long shoulder strap over his shoulder. Candy's eyes got very wide. Mabel had finally told her and Grenda that trans-dimensional portals were possible and that her Great-Uncle had built one, but they were also told that the portal had been destroyed. She never thought she would see one. Grenda was more blase. Science stuff.

"About time, fucktard! Reinforcements have arrived! Oh, for fuck's sake! WHERE'S THE GOD-DAMNED RIFLE, MORTY?!"

Morty tossed the purse to Summer. "Chill, Rick! It's right here! I was just putting something together for my sister. You like to see my sister happy, right?"

"No way! NO FUCKING WAY!" Summer reached deep into the bag and pulled out a tachyon rifle. She tossed it to her grandfather. She then pulled out a MK-38 photon dishabilitor. "You little shit! It's even STYLISH!"

"$1900 worth of Gucci shoulder bag, freshly stolen from the flagship store in Milan. Enjoy! You're welcome!"

"Damn right, thank you! I could KISS you! No, I'm gonna fuck your brains out! Anything you want! Anal? You got it! You can use the Morphizer-XE on me again! Wanna fuck my ear? So I can hear you coming? Anything, dipshit!"

"It's enough to see you happy, Summ. I don't think anyone is into ear fucking. So.... thanks?"

"Oh, I am SO taking you up my ass, Morty! Don't deny me this!"

Candy sat down next to Mabel. Grenda sat next to Candy. "Are they not brother and sister?" Candy asked.

"They're VERY close." Mabel answered. She nudged her brother in the ribs. "Right, bro-bro?"

"Summer caught me thinking about your tuchis, Polaris. I think we're on the same page."

Mabel fist pumped "YESSS! This is turning out to be the best weekend of my life! Summer romance got nothing on summer sex! Or Summer sex!" She said, looking hungrily at the strawberry blonde.

"Is this the same girl who was too shy to show me and Candy her flesh curtains last summer?" Rumbled Grenda.

"You guys taught me a LOT! OH! MY! GOD! The blue-haired guy?! The super-scientist criminal?! He's also a musician! Guess what the name of his band was?! GUESS!!" She grabbed Grenda's shirt and tried to shake her, which resulted in Grenda sitting stock-still and Mabel shaking herself.

"I have no idea." Growled Grenda.

"I am going to go out upon a limb here and say 'The Flesh Curtains'." Candy ventured.

"Bing, bing, bing! Point, Chiu!"

"There goes our girl group name." Grumbled Grenda.

"Not so!" Replied Mabel. "They're from a different dimension! No one's using it HERE! I've been listening to music from Rick's dimension and some of it isn't bad! Dipper's favorite turns out to be Abba from Sweden and Spaceship is Starship over there! Their version is 'We Built This City'! Isn't that better?! I mean a city's so much BIGGER than a township! There's some bands that are the same EVERYWHERE! Pink Floyd's always Pink Floyd so I can wear my Dark Side sweater in ANY dimension! And there's something called Blue Oyster Cult that Rick and my Grunkles and even Wendy are REALLY into! I never heard of them but they're pretty good! A demon goddess lady that turned up even knew them! Said they were a favorite of the Queen of darkness! Ooooooh! Scary stuff!"

"Mr. Roeser in an excellent guitarist. He is tasteful and fast and full of classical technique. Playing the solo from 'Don't Fear the Reaper' has done wonders for my fingering." Candy said.

>Snicker< "Fingering! Dipper and Rick kept talking about fingering and bottom end and kinda turned me on!"

"You are a silly billy goat, Mabel. Like Gompers. Fingering is how you master an instrument. Unless you are a drummer! Then you just hit it. Your brother plays tuba, does he not? He would be interested in bottom end. What does Mr. Rick play? Is he classical?" Queried Candy.

"Bass, I think Grunkle Ford said! He PLAYED some classical last night! Something called bowl arrow I think! We fucked like bunnies! Rick and Grunkle Stan kept calling it the '56!"

"Ah. The 1956 Boston Symphony Orchestra, conducted by Charles Munch version. Many people think that is the finest version available, but I disagree. It is much too fast. Monsieur Ravel would be appalled." Candy opined.

"Wendy lucked out! Rick set up her Zune with, like, every piece of music in the universe! Rick promised me one, like THAT'LL ever happen! Wait, I'm not usually this pessimistic! (Gasp!) The K-lax is wearing off! Guys! I'm SO SORRY!! You must be miserable! MORTY! THREE BULLETS OVER HERE, PLEASE!" Mabel called.

"I hear ya, Thunderpussy. We overdid last night, so it wears off faster." Morty said distributing drugs to the girls.

"Trust me! You NEED this!" Mabel said to her friends. 

"Whoa! I don't want to PUNCH EVERYTHING ANYMORE!" Grenda roared.

"I did not realize how badly I felt until now, when I no longer feel that way. Thank you, Morty."

"No problem, Candy. Mabel! Did a little shopping for you as well! Here." He dropped a shiny white device in her lap, earbuds wrapped around it.

"No way! NO FREAKING WAY! MORTY! I LOVE YOU! Summer's not the only one gonna fuck your brains out! What'd you get Wendy?! I know she's the one you REALLY like!" Mabel enthused.

"Nothing, yet. I knew what Summer wanted, I knew what you wanted, I have no clue what she wants. A diamond encrusted axe? Flannel pajamas? She's an enigma." Morty moaned.

"What she really wants is a guy who isn't a jerk!"

"Can't help her there. I don't know many people, human people, that is, and the ones I know are all jerks. I'm definitely a loser asshole, Rick's well......Rick, jerk isn't strong enough. Maybe she'd like to visit dimension ME-262 and go to the Four Winds Bar. I've never been, but Rick talks about it. There's like a 50% chance she could see BÖC."

"Morty, she's sixteen! She can't get into a bar, unless I make her one of my super sparkly fake IDs! Do I still have googly eyes?! Anyway, don't be so hard on yourself! Remember what she said about you last night?! You're fearless, capable, smart, sensitive, sweet and kinda scary! She's INTO you! She reached into your pocket and grabbed your dick, bro! Mind if I call you bro?! You remind me SO MUCH of Dipper! You remind HER of Dipper! She LOVES Dipper! So, she LOVES YOU! If you just wait, I've got a solution to ALL of this!"

"Yeah, you're scaring the crap out of Rick! Imminent death he's fine with, but emotional shit he kinda panics. You'd be surprised how few bars in the multiverse actually card. I'm fifteen and I've been in more bars than you've had hot meals. Nearly got raped by a jellybean in one. Shit happens, don't think about it."

"MORTY!" Rick shouted. "You through schmoozing with your girlfriends? We got shit to DO! DIPPER! Where's the perimeter? I want to aim for the sheild and not the shack!"

"It's a sphere around the shack. If you aim about a foot to the left of that corner you should be fine." Dipper said, pointing to one corner of the shack. Summer dropped to one knee, raised the MK-38 photon dishabilitor to her shoulder and fired. A flash of blue with mystical sigils.

"Nice shooting, Summ-summ! The blast shields will hold off a MK-38 so it doesn't (erp) PROVE anything, but nice shooting! Morty?" Rick said. Morty grabbed the Tachyon rifle and shot. Same result, with a lot more ozone in the air. 

"Sweet! It'll turn a tachyon weapon!" Rick aimed his anti-matter pistol. A flash of blue. "Great! Fire at will, kids! Full-on barrage. Let's see what this m-motherfucker is MADE OF!" All three fired repeatedly. They swept the field of fire across the face of the shack. The unicorn spell just stood there and took it. 

Rick pumped his fist on one leg "YES! M-motherfucker WORKS! Thunderpussy, go get me some unicorn hair! Kids, it's Thunderpussy's command. GO!"

Mabel saluted. "SIR, YES SIR!! Dipper, get us journal one! Let's DO this!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dipper being dressed and treated like a girl is straight from Sarielle's "The Life and Times of Shermaine Pines". I think her version is trans, but I play with the concept.Cryptorchidism is real and exceedingly rare. Orchiopexy is the surgical procedure to fix it. By the way, Candy plays the violin. Her version of the Reaper is awesome!


	37. Into the Woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The quest for unicorn hair gets underway. Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally go out on the quest. Local wildlife. Old Falernian and the True, the Blushful Hippocrene. With meade in reserve.

Dipper reemerged from the Shack slipping Journal 1 into the pocket of his vest. The teens trooped off into the Oregon woods, Morty thinking it looks like home. I think. I'm not exactly outdoorsy. Familiar, though. Summer was thinking much the same thing, but was distracted going through the inventory of her new bag. MK-38 photon dishabilitor, check. A nine gauge plasma pistol (lame, totally lame), check. Two P-780 particle rays, check. Grappling hook with 100 feet of line, check. First aid kit (what a fucking worry-wart. Gay.), check. Condoms. Everybody forgot about the intrauterine device she got on Globgarn XII. Typical. Her MP3 player. Fuck, almost tripped over that damn tree root. Better start paying attention.

Wendy was going through her Zune. This looks like Irrational Mime Vigilante Group! What's a Killing Joke? Isn't that one of Marcus' graphic novels? Nocturnal-Echo-Locating-Flying-Mammal-Man? Like in The Dark Paladin? No, that's The Killing Jest. Wonder if Marcus has any Grimdark Chronicles? That seemed interesting. Might as well listen.

Crunchy, heavy guitar. 🎵 Mark out the points, build the pyre  
Assemble different drummers, light up the fire🎵

"Whoh, this is GOOD!" She said, looking around for cougars, bears, bear traps, deadfalls and other hazards. Once again she considered it her job to keep the kids and flatlanders safe.

🎵 Listen to the drums  
Between each beat, each beat of the drum

Oh beloved mother of liberty  
Hold me in your arms  
Burn burn, burn brightly  
Burn burn, burn white heat  
Burn burn, burn brightly  
Burn burn, burn white heat🎵

Mabel skipped on ahead, enjoying her first command. Candy and Grenda close behind, Grenda looking for a weapon, should've grabbed the recliner again, Candy vowing to herself that THIS time, she would taste a unicorn neck. Dipper had his nose buried in Journal One, reading about the unicorn glade and unicorns in general. 

🎵 Oh, how ingenious the centuries of lies  
Ezekiel's chariots streak across the skies  
Holy books and history texts forget because we know  
Souls are recycled in the death and resurrection show  
Oh beloved mother of liberty, come to me🎵

There was a commotion from the back. "Oh, for... Shoo! SHOO, you varmints! Every year, every damn year! SHOO!! I'm NOT your mama!!" Wendy was shouting at several small stumpy animals with duck bills and beaver tails, covered in bright Tartan patterned fur. They looked at her, sadly and stumbled off into the brush. 

"What the fuck were those?!" Morty asked. Plaid animals aren't natural, he thought.

"Pains in the ass!" Responded Wendy. "Every spring and early summer, they follow me if I go through this part of the woods. I don't know why." Everyone looked at the flannel shirt tied around her waist. "What?! Flannel's my favorite color, okay?"

"Plaidypusses." Answered Mabel, in response to Morty's question.

"Plaidypi." Dipper corrected, automatically.

"I thought you motherfuckers knew Greek!" Said Summer. "It's plaidypodes, obviously!" Everyone stared at her, blankly. "What?! Action girl can't know shit? Jeez!" 

"Summer Shower for the win!" Mabel exclaimed. "Huh! ActionGirl! I kinda like that! Guys, remember beating up the Indestruci-buddies?! Taste the Pain-bow!"

"Catchphrases are lame, man! I did enjoy being the Plaid Widow, I miss violence without consequences!" Wendy replied.

"There's always consequences. Sometimes you just don't see them at first." Morty grumbled.

"Not in a comic book, Mort-the-merrier! We took out a superhero team and demolished about two city blocks. All that happened to us was we got blown up by the spook vs. spook guy from Schmad Schmagazine! Didn't even get hurt!" Mabel gushed.

"Don't you mean graphic novel, Mabes? I felt kinda guilty!" Dipper retorted. 

"Don't make me white YOU out, bro-mo-seltzer! You sound just like that yellow omniscient narrator box guy!" Mabel responded.

"Wait, you were IN a comic book? How does that work?" Morty asked.

"First, you say goodbye to your depth." Answered Dipper.

"You talk in balloons" added Wendy.

"They make GREAT weapons!" Enthused Mabel. "The pointy bits at least! I stabbed Chin-guy with his own exclamation!" 

"We miss all of the fun, Grenda." Candy complained.

"We got turned into wood. That was something. It's not MY fault you missed the hot elf. You should'a come to the Ducktective finale!" Grenda boomed. 

"I find Ducktective juvenile." Candy replied. 

"Morty, I think these guys out-weird even US!" Summer opined.

"I know, right? The next thing you know, they'll be saying that they brought a video game to life!" Morty answered. 

"Well, actually..." Dipper started. They were crossing a broad meadow, filled with four-leaf clovers. He noticed that there was a rainbow against the cloudy sky. He thought he heard something. "Oh, no! WATCH OUT!" He cried. "RUN!!" The group broke into a run. 

🎵 Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling  
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side 🎵

From the other side of the meadow something trotted after them. It appeared to be a horse, about THIS high. Kind of a pygmy pony, except it had a human face, with a rainbow colored beard and the animal's tail was rainbow colored as well. It had rosy cheeks, just like Mabel and Candy and was wearing a green derby with a buckle on it, just above the single horn. The horn was where the music, Londonderry Air was coming from. It had a smile on it's face and a glint in it's eyes. "TOP O' THE MAHRNIN' TA YA!" It called. The wee beastie took chase after them. It broke into a canter. 

"What the fuck is THAT?!" Shouted Morty.

"Leprecorn!" Answered Dipper. "They're REALLY annoying! They're attracted to Rainbows, shamrocks and sugary cereals with colorful marshmallow shapes!"

"In THAT case..." Morty said, as he pulled something from his pocket. 

It was a box, a box of cereal. To Dipper it appeared as if there were a picture of a leprechaun, dancing a jig with long bunny ears growing through it's black top hat. Morty threw the box at the wee beastie. Dipper thought he saw the mascot disemboweled on the back of the box. That can't be right, he thought. 

"... it'll LOVE that!" Morty continued. "It's nothing BUT colorful marshmallow shapes!" 

The wee beastie stopped and tore the box open. He started eating multicolored marshmallow bits. Morty thought he heard the beastie say "Kill me, please, boyo." and giggling. But he wasn't sure.

🎵 For you will bend and tell me that you love me,  
And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me!🎵  
Faded into the distance as they re-entered the forest primeval. 

"Good catch, Dip-dop! I always wanted to see a leprecorn and now I have! Nice work distracting it, Morty! I guess as your commanding officer I owe you a box of whatever that was!" Mabel said.

"Strawberry Smiggles." Morty replied. "I don't think you have it in this dimension. Don't worry about it, I'm pretty sure I packed a box for Summer."

Summer checked her purse. "You Jackhole! You packed me two! I don't even LIKE Strawberry Smiggles! I think their ads are gross!" 

They traipsed on through the woods. They came into another sunny glade. The clouds were breaking up, the rainbow was long gone. Mabel raised her left fist. "STOP! We're here! This is deep in the magic part of the forest! Grenda, you're up!" 

Grenda grabbed the Journal. "You got it. Oy-oyoy-oyoyoyoy..." She droned, deep in the bass clef. 

"I bet you ten bucks nothing happens." Summer ventured.

"Summer! No!" Said Wendy.

"TOO LATE!! I'll TAKE that bet!" Mabel replied. 

Something WAS happening. A circle of standing stones, a henge, erupted from the very earth. There were smaller stone walls between the plinths, a druidical hill fortress of sorts. A purple finch flew off as the walls manifested, a fairly rare bird. Many birdwatchers would give their eyeteeth to spot one, so it's a shame none of the kids knew or even noticed. Intricately carved wooden gates opened outwards and our heros entered, Mabel sticking her hand in Summer's face and making grabbing motions. "Eh, eh?!" Summer rolled her eyes and placed a ten dollar bill in Mabel's outstretched hand. 

The interior of the walls was MUCH larger than the outside would indicate. Dipper was the only one taken aback by this. The girls had all been here before and Morty and Summer were used to places bigger on the inside. On a small knoll covered in wildflowers a snow white unicorn was resting. Her eyes glistened, her rainbow colored mane blew in the breeze. She had what appeared to be the logo of US Steel on her flank. She tossed her head imperiously and neighed. "What mortals dare to invade the sanc- oh, it's you guys! How's it goin'?" She said in a high pitched voice. 

"She's even got a damn cutie mark." Mumbled Morty

"Ha! I knew it! You're a secret brony, Morty!" Summer crowed. 

"No shame, there!" Said Mabel. "Dipper used to have a crush on Halflight Shimmer! They both love listy things!"

"Mabel!" Dipper moaned, pulling his cap down over his eyes. 

Mabel stepped forward and knelt on one knee. "Oh, Celestabellebethabelle! We craveth a boon from thee! Our noble friends, the Smiths, hath a need for unicorn hair for their safety and welleth being! So I cometh as a supplicant to beggeth this boon from thee! Whattaya say, C-Belle, gonna make it easy, or do we hafta beat the snot out of you again?!" 

"For you guys? No problem! SHOES!! Remember, I have a thing about shoes!" Everyone hastily took off their shoes. "We OWE the Pines! You guys saved our rumps last summer in that whole Weirdmageddon thing." A brief blast of rave music 🎵. sounded from her horn. "How much do you need?" She asked as dozens, no, hundreds of unicorns entered the glade and lied down. 

"Not THAT much!" exclaimed Mable. She presented everyone with scissors and the barbering commenced. They took just one lock of hair from each unicorn's mane and in no time filled an entire trash bag. (Which Morty carried with him. He was currently trying to be environmentally conscious, having failed miserably at being a vegan [that's canon! He had said.] Besides they made for a good emergency poncho. Useful if you turn up somewhere with acid rain.) Candy took advantage of the opportunity and tasted a unicorn neck. NOT her favorite flavor! Horse. That's disappointing, she thought.

"So, hey, um, thanks." Morty said. "We, um, saw a leprecorn on the way here, what's up with that?" 

A large pink unicorn stallion spoke. "HEY, C-BELLE! WANNA FIELD THIS ONE?" 

"GUYS!" Celestabellebethabelle replied. "It's EMBARRASSING!!"

"Yeah, but it's too good not to tell!" Responded the pink stallion. "So, get this! C-Belle goes over to the fairy nail salon for a mane and tail braiding and gets hammered on, what was it? Old Falernian?"

"Worse! The true, the blushful Hippocrene!" Celestabellebethabelle answered. 

"Oh, right! Those old pagan consecrated wines do a number on us faery folk! So C-Belle is drunk to the gills and the leprechaun who works there as a shoe repairman and bootblack offers her silver horseshoes! And she says sure, why not? Now I don't know if you know this but if you shoe a unicorn you have it under your power until the shoes fall off or wear off. So Seamus, that's the leprechaun, takes her home with him and has his way with her for about three weeks, until the shoes wear off. Then she comes back here, properly chastened, having learned a lesson about holding her liquor and eleven months later, boom, has a foal! You've seen it, it's a mess, right?"

"Iron horseshoes would've lasted longer." Said another unicorn. 

"That's not the point, Dave! Iron horseshoes would've lasted forever, because they would've killed her! Cold iron and fey folk don't work well together!" The pink stallion replied. 

"Would've worked on a horse, Buchephalephalus."

"There's no MAGIC there, Dave! If you put shoes on horse you have a, a horse with shoes! What's the point?"

"You know, Buchephalephalus, I've always wondered. Why do humans shoe horses?"

"Beats me, Dave. There's a bunch of humans here, ask them."

Dipper, who had been writing all of this down in the journal, furiously, looked up. Great-Uncle Ford was going to be SO PROUD of him! He had wondered where the leprecorn had come from. "People shoe horses to protect their hooves. You guys are fine in springy turf, but the road to civilization is paved. That's rough on a horses hooves."

"There you go, Dave! Happy now?" Buchephalephalus the large pink stallion said. 

"So, anyway, thank you again!" Morty said. "We, we, our family need this for protection from evil government types. And from, well, our family. Kinda. So, thanks! Rick is going to kill me but fuck it! Rick Sánchez owes you a favor! If you need ANYTHING, anything at all, just get in touch with the Pines twins! They'll tell us and we'll take care of it!"

"That's a good deal, unicorns! I'm not saying that Rick Sánchez can do anything, but I kinda think Rick Sánchez can do anything!" Mabel added. Everyone gathered their shoes and left. The gates closed behind them and the whole structure returned to the earth. 

"That was anticlimactic!" Said Summer. 

"It was NICE, Summer!" Morty responded. "It was nice to go on an adventure and not get into a fight. Or a chase, or a fight and a chase. Or a chase while fighting. It was nice to go somewhere where people were happy to see us. I could get used to this." 

"Better not, Morty! I think grandpa Rick and Fordsy are about to get involved in another war, wherever Hekapoo's from." Summer supposed. 

"He doesn't want to." Morty reported.

"Since when does THAT mean anything! He WANTS to get high and watch TV but he gets bored! Shit happens!" 

"Excuse me." Interrupted Candy. "Unicorns are people?"

"If they can think and talk, they're people." Morty said, simply. 

"Them's the rules, Mulan!" Summer added. 

"Good thing Blondie's not here! She gets freaked out when we talk about the rules!" Morty laughed. 

"Mulan is Chinese. I am American girl. That is not my name. My name is Candy." Candy said without rancor, just stating facts.

Mabel was struck by an idea. If her new music player had all the music in the multiverse than surely there would be a song for this situation. There would be a song for ANY situation! Things like Burning for You and Detachable Penis last night didn't just happen! Rick and Morty were making a soundtrack! She wanted to do that but didn't think she could figure out what was going to happen enough to be able to do it. But she could find something for right now! She put some words into the machine and got a response. She listened for a little. Perfect! She'd get the hang of this. 

"Sorry Candy. My grandfather and sister are assholes! Summer! Play nice!" Morty reprimanded his sister. 

"Candy's just so dull, Morty! She's as bad as El Tigre!" Summer answered. 

"Who the fuck's El Tigre?" Morty asked. 

"You know! What's-his-name! Cholo, Jorge, Seuss! The big guy with the beard! What kind of name is Seuss, anyway? Does he rhyme a lot?" Summer answered. 

"Weren't you listening when he introduced himself? It's Soos. It's short for Jesus." Morty explained.

"Was that all the Spanish? I tuned it out. You're the one taking Spanish. I took French! Mon crayon est sur le bureau de mon oncle." 

"Three years of French and you can find your pencil! Summer, you've got a fish in your ear, same as me! We can speak ANYTHING!"

"It gives me a headache." 

" Candy! Candy, Candy, Candy, CandyCandyCANDY! Listen to this!" Candy took the earbuds from Mabel.

🎵 They call me "Hell"  
They call me "Stacey"  
They call me "her"  
They call me "Jane"  
That's not my name  
That's not my name  
That's not my name  
That's not my name  
They call me "quiet girl"  
But I'm a riot Mary, Jo, Lisa  
Always the same  
That's not my name  
That's not my name  
That's not my name  
That's not my name

I miss the catch if they throw me the ball  
I'm the last chick standing up against the wall  
Keep up, falling, these heels they keep me boring  
Getting glammed up and sitting on the fence now  
So alone all the time at night  
Lock myself away  
Listen to me, I'm not  
Although I'm dressed up, out and all with  
Everything considered they forget my name (ame, ame, ame)

They call me "Hell" (This song was in my head)  
They call me "Stacey" (Now it's in my mind)  
They call me "her" (Call it, reach it, get some words and get some timing)  
They call me "Jane"   
That's not my name (And though I realize I cannot emphasize)  
That's not my name (I'll stick around but just don't promise, nothing binding)  
That's not my name   
That's not my name   
They call me "quiet girl" (And baby, can't you see, that you're so desperately)  
But I'm a riot Mary, Jo, Lisa (A standing joker like a vocal one-liner)  
Always the same   
That's not my name (Instead of sing-a-long) (this song is monotone)   
That's not my name   
That's not my name (I've gotta get some soul, I gotta get some feeling)  
That's not my name🎵

"Thank you, Mabel. That makes me feel better." Candy said. 

"You know," Morty stated. "I could just portal us back."

"Naw, it's a nice day!" Argued Wendy. "Let's walk."

"Mosquitoes, ticks, chiggers, snakes, wolves, bears, sure! Just a fucking walk in the fucking woods. Fun!" Morty grumbled.

"Told ya, Thunderpussy! Doesn't matter how many men he can kill at a time, he's still a wimp!" Summer laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strawberry Smiggles is nothing but marshmallows. Look at the commercial. Or, order a box. Balanced breakfast my ass! The leprecorn is canon. The backstory, not so much. Or at all. Not a birder myself, but I remember what I've seen. It's not a bad life list. I would love to see a purple finch that wasn't on Gravity Falls. If you got the wine joke in the beginning note, congratulations! You read some really obscure shit. A.D. is one of my favorite authors. Music is "The Death and Resurrection Show" by Killing Joke (from the 2003 Killing Joke album, not the 1980 Killing Joke album. Sure ,1980 is one of the best albums of all time but 2003? With Grohl? OMG! The one that looks like an Insane Clown Posse album) Danny Boy (Not Londonderry Air despite what I said. Different lyrics). And "That's Not My Name" by the Ting Tings. As always go! Listen!


	38. A Modest Proposal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick panics. Cops are dumb. Triumphant returns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rick shows some feelings for a second. Stan unwraps how to read Rick's feelings in canon, just in time for season four. Here's hoping season four of R&M is better than season four of SVTFOE.

As the kids trooped off into the woods Rick picked Ford up in a fireman's carry and deposited him back into Stan's chair where he had spent the night. Soos and Melody followed him in and went upstairs to continue what Mabel had interrupted. Rick flicked through the channels on the TV.

"-prices, I hope, aren't too low! Check out this refrigerator! (An oven) Only $200! What about this microwave? (A blender) Only $100! That's fair! I'm Ants-in-My-Eyes Johns-"

"-this one, not this one. None of 'em open! FakeDoors.com is our webs-"

"-on me, and tries to steal my Strawberry Smiggl-" 

"Why do they run the commercials all at the same time?" Rick wondered aloud.

"-rtbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-"

"-ext on  the black and white period piece old lady bori-"

"-re on KGVF, Roadkill county's source for news! Pacifica Northwest saw our nine A.M. broadcast and contacted this station. Miss Northwest, who was in tears on hearing about her father's sad demise, let this reporter know that there had been a domestic altercation between her parents and she had been left with the Pines family for protection while her mother returned briefly to her home in Texas. KGVF has since managed to contact Mrs. Northwest, who verifies she is in California, just east of Los Ángeles heading to her birth home in Prosper, Texas. When told of Preston Northwest's sad demise, Mrs. Northwest replied 'Good! It's just what that (expletive deleted) deserves!'. Miss Northwest is currently giving a deposition to the Gravity Falls Sheriff's department. Up next on KGVF, Wheel of Fish! Where one lucky 'finner' can win a salmon dinner for two at The Club, if they can solve the puzzles without being 'aCodsted'.... Seriously, Toby, did YOU write this copy? It's TERRIBLE! Damn it, I'm a REAL reporter!"

"It wasn't me, Shondra! I just do sports! Um, I think we're still going out live." Said Toby Determined, Bodacious T, somewhere off camera. A Technical Difficulties card appeared onscreen, with cheery irritating music. 

"Looks like Blondie's going to get off scot-free! Good for her! I never cared for torturers, but I don't usually do anything about them. None of my b-business, y'know? Unless they torture me or mine! Then all bets are off! SOMEBODY'S dying! But I try to go for a live and let live approach. Seriously. I have twenty people try to kill me every week. I end up getting high with (erp) half of 'em! I don't actually HATE anyone. Except most of those bastards on the council of Rick's. And most other Ricks. And m-maybe my son-in-law. And myself. Okay, I'm full of fucking hate. But not groups. No big blanket thing, I hate on a case-by-case basis. Not even Gromflomites. Hell, one of my best friends was a Gromflomite! Crombopulous Michael. Best assassin in the galaxy. Until Morty killed him. His wife, Crombopulous Myrna was PISSED! She's an assassin, too. Damn near killed M-morty until we explained it wasn't his fault. No, (urp) it was Crombopulous Michael's damn homing business cards! I told him, Crombopulous M-myrna told him, everybody fucking told him they'd be the death of him. And we were right! We just expected it to be the Federation. Fordsy, you in there? It's been WAY longer than tw-twenty minutes, you should be up and about by now! Don't tell me I accidentally KILLED you! Shit, you're one of the few people in the multiverse I actually LIKE! FUCK! Lee'll kill me! He talked about you a LOT back in the day. Was sorry for fucking up your dream school. He didn't m-mean it, you know. Just punched the table where your whatever-it-was was. Says it just fell apart, some access port or something fell off. He put it back the best he could. It was still working when he left. Shit, Fordsy, you dumb motherfucker, don't DIE on me!" Rick took Ford's pulse.

"Good, you're alive! Strong pulse, no fibrillation. Why are you still out? Do I need to give you some phenylephrine? Kickstart your adrenals? Fordsy, Fordsy, you dumb fuck, snap out of it! Fuck it, I'm getting the hypodermic!" He turned away to go upstairs. 

Ford blinked his eyes, his utterly clear, in no way blue eyes. "Richard?" Ford said. "I was meditating. Something Jheselbraum taught me to do. I had a lot to think about. What, if anything, to do about the Mewni issue and Mabel brought me a proposition while I was under. I think you just decided that! I didn't know you knew Stanley, small multiverse isn't it?"

"FORD! THANK GOD! I mean, erm, good, you're awake. Yeah, m-me and Lee go way back, I think he was Andrew "8-Ball" Alcatraz when I met him. We knocked around together for a couple of years in the late seventies, before I was married. Bank robbery, dealing, this and (braap) that. I met Diane, settled down, had a kid, when she was fourteen I got caught up in the Federation war, met you, Schmorgulon prime happened and we died in dimension C-119-A, fuck, I covered this last night, do you need to know my whole life story? This doesn't MEAN anything, the multiverse is a cold, capricious place, it doesn't make any sense to be running around, forming attachments!"

"No, Richard, I can see that. I can see how much joy no attachments have given you."

"Fuck you, Fordsy! Fuck you and anyone who looks like you! Fuck you and Lee and the whole Pines clan! Fuck, why am I crying?! Why am I crying, Ford?!" Rick asked, tears flowing down his face.

"Because the multiverse is a cold, capricious place. Because sometimes you have to make a stand. Because sometimes, when you make a stand, you find others are standing with you. I tried to stop Weirdmageddon alone. I couldn't. But, much to my surprise, others were standing with me. I'm horrible at interpersonal relationships, Richard. As you well know. But my family loves me. I have no idea why. You have no idea how much strength that gives me."

The front door flew open and Pacifica and Stan clomped in. Pacifica was saying, "I don't know! Are cops ALWAYS that stupid?!" 

"Nearly always, Northwest. It's one of the things you can count on! Watch out for Blubs, though. Since the Society of the Blind Eye isn't lobotomizing him several times a week, he's getting almost smart. For a cop. Durland's an idiot and has always been an idiot. But Blubs can add two and two if you give him a headstart." Stan replied. He saw the tableau of his brother and Rick. "Don't tell me, let me guess! 'This doesn't MEAN anything! Nothing you think matters, matters! The universe is a crazy chaotic place and everything you believe is a lie!' right?"

"More or less, Stanley. How did you know?" Ford asked.

"That's just the Sánchez way of saying 'I love you'. Once you cotton on, it's kind of endearing. You must've freaked him out good, Poindexter!" Stan laughed.

"He thought I was dead." Ford said. 

"That'd do it! It's okay, Rico! We're Pines! We got your number! Your secret's safe with us!" Stan continued laughing. 

Pacifica Northwest was a mess. Mascara running, eyeshadow smudged, sleeves of her designer jacket caked with mucus. She had obviously turned the waterworks back on for the benefit of the police. "Mr. Pines?" She asked. "Do you think Mabel would mind if I borrowed some clothes from her? Maybe a T-shirt and some jeans?"

"She would be thrilled that Pacifica Northwest, fashion maven, was wearing her clothes! I don't see a problem, but I don't think she owns any jeans. Or pants at all for that matter." Stan replied. 

Pacifica took off upstairs. She returned in a few minutes wearing a hot pink knit halter top color blocked with a yellow stripe and a black quarter note knit into the center. She had on a lighter pink skirt, no leggings and hot pink heavily bezazzled flip flops. She was wearing one of Mabel's pink hairbands and had toned her make-up back. Eyeliner, a touch of pink eyeshadow and lipgloss, not lipstick. The top was a trifle snug. She was well endowed for a thirteen year old, Wendy was right, Pacifica's breasts were bigger than hers. 

Stan sat down and looked at the TV. "Well, I'm not watching 'Wheel of Fish'! There must be something on!"

"Try channel Aleph-null, Lee!" Said Rick.

"Rico! What did you do to my TV?! There's a shortage of Hebrew on my remote, how do I find Aleph-null, whatever that is!" Stan replied. Ford took the remote and entered something. 

"Man vs. Car. The hit show where it pits a man against a car. Tonight's episode, Williams fights... a regular old car. Here we go. He's pushin' his way through, he's trying to fight that car. The car seems to have the upper hand- Oh, he just got some push-back there. Ohh, the car won! That makes it 4,086 to 0 in favor of the cars! Watch next week when Cherbowski fights... a regular old car!"

"TV. It knows what I want!" Stan said, grinning.

 

_____________________________________________________

 

As they carried on through the woods, Morty said, "Summer! Have you been bragging about me in the BloodDome again? That wasn't me, that was Armothy!" 

"Right, Morty! It was ARMOTHY who stood in the middle of the BloodDome shouting: 'Booyah! Fuck you, pal! Who else wants some? Who wants to be my pussy of a dad today?' My mistake!" Summer answered.

"Well, if you put it THAT way..." Morty replied, sheepishly. 

"Armothy?" Asked Dipper. 

"This totally swole left arm Grandpa Rick set Morty up with, made from the muscle memory of a blacksmith warrior dude! Armothy and Morty ruled the BloodDome! He disappeared once he took vengeance on the guy who murdered his family." Summer explained. 

"Armothy didn't really do that. He quit too early! Rick and I had to drown the bastard in his bathtub. His taint washer was so grateful!" 

"We fought a demon last year." Candy said.

"Yeah, we met him." Answered Morty.

"We sent him back to hell, or the dream dimension or somewhere." Continued Summer. 

"I see." Said Candy, who didn't. "He called people by strange names and did impossible things. What I need to know, Morty, Summer, is your grandfather a demon? Are you demons?"

"Fuck if I know! I don't think I'M a demon, but Rick? I don't know, you'd have to ask him. And tell me what he says, I've always been curious." Morty said, seriously.

"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed…I don't THINK I'm a demon." Summer asserted.

"You're a mother?" Asked Morty.

"I had a miscarriage, apparently. Close enough." Summer replied.

A small pink fairy with tattered wings suddenly flew in front of Summer's face. "Hey, look, listen." It said. It looked closer at Summer and glanced at Morty. "UNCLEAN! You lie with kin! Anál nathrach, orth’ bháis’s bethad, do chél dénmha."

"Cinematic masterpiece." Muttered Dipper.

Morty snatched the fairy right out of the air. He held it, firmly, by one tiny ankle. "Serpent's breath, charm of death and life, thy omen of making. You'll UNMAKE it right now or face the consequences! Summer, care to tell our little friend here our last name?"

"Certainly, Morty. Little friend, you're in a world of hurt! You just cursed the SMITHS!" She pulled something pink from her pocket, pressed a button and a steel blade jumped out. 

"Hey, Summer! Shall we resume stabbing? Ooh, a fairy! I haven't cut one of those in YEARS!" The pink sentient switchblade said. 

"Ooh, NOOO! SMITHS! They have their own rules! Anál nathrach, orth’ bháis’s bethad, dì-dèanamh a ’dèanamh! Better?"

"It'll do, Navi." Morty said. "The next time you see some humans in the woods, you'll leave them alone, right? Because there may be SMITHS in the woods, with cold, hard steel." He released the thing, flinging it into the air. "Fly, be free!" 

"Oh, Morrigan! They know Navi's name! I'm screeeeewed!" The fey cried, as it flew away.

"I'm impressed!" Said Dipper. "How did you know EXACTLY what to do?" 

"Mom brought us up on fairy tales." Responded Morty.

"The REAL ones!" Continued Summer. "Red gets eaten by the wolf, with no woodcutter in sight! None of this Disney bullshit!"

"As a woodcutter, I think I'm offended!" Wendy chuckled.

"Fine. How did you know it's name?" Grenda rumbled.

"Because he's a gamer!" Dipper maintained."Right? Wanna have a go at Bloodcraft: Overdeath when we get back to the Shack?" 

"Sure! Do you have ANY idea how much I wanted to do something like that playing Ocarina? You're going DOWN, Pines! I may not be good at much, but I can play videogames!" 

Mabel just shook her head. He's just like Dipper! They're good at everything they do, but don't believe that they're good at anything! Boys and their toys! She caught Summer's eye. Summer just shrugged. 

They crossed over a wide circle of toadstools and left the (seriously) magical part of the forest. The plaidypodes started following Wendy again, until she noticed them and chased them off. Nothing else of any note happened all the way back to the Shack, except a beautiful day, butterflies and purple penstemon. 

The questing party entered the Shack and Morty deposited the bag of unicorn hair at Rick's feet. Ford looked at the amount brought in and asked "How big's your house, Richard? That's enough to protect Northwest Manor, excuse me, McGucket's Hootenanny Hut, grounds included!"

"Want to extend your perimeters, Fordsy? Seems I have enough to spare." Rick asked.

"I believe I will, Richard. Enough to protect the Shacktron's legs if we ever have another weirdness incursion." Ford responded.

Mabel noticed Pacifica Northwest. "Holy cow! Pacifica's wearing MY clothes! And she's Beautiful!"

"I told you! I make ANYTHING look good! Seriously, it's very cute. You made all this?" Pacifica asked.

"I knitted the top, I sewed the skirt, I bezazzled the shoes! I buy the hairbands by the gross, in every color of the rainbow and some that only bees and art students can see! Way up in the super-purple! I was kinda thinking about you when I made the top, I know hot pink's your favorite color! I'm not sure if I'm gutsy enough to wear it!" Mabel exclaimed.

"Mabes, you've been going naked half the weekend! I don't think you've worn underwear in six months!" Dipper remonstrated. 

"That's DIFFERENT, Dipping-Dots! That's around the house, in front of FAMILY! Going commando gives a girl options! If you're careful, no one knows! I don't think I could wear something that revealing in PUBLIC! But Paz makes it look GOOOOD!!"

"It does give you options, doesn't it?" Pacifica said as she flipped the skirt up briefly, giving a flash of blonde hair and lightning bolt. "I hope you don't mind."

"I don't mind, but consider the outfit yours! The whole ensemble ! I could NEVER rock it like you! Not in a million years! Grunkle Ford! You're up! Did you get my..." Mabel started. Ford grinned and nodded. 

"Super! Candy, Grenda you're witnesses! Paz, Wendy, Morty, Summer, Rick?!" Mabel got down one knee. "I'm sorry! I don't have any rings! But would you, all of you, do us, all of us, the Pines, me, Dipper, Stan and Ford, the honor of being our wives and husbands?! We, the Pines want to marry YOU! All of you! Whattaya say?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rick's veneer cracks. Roight! Oi mixed me Oirish Gaelic an' me Scots Gaelic! Wazzit ta ye, ye sassanach scunner! Once again if any artists are interested I'd like to see Pacifica in Mabel's outfit. Just not enough to actually pay for it. Yep, that's been Mabel's plan these past few chapters. There you are, both of you who didn't know. For everyone else, thanks for putting up with my transparent storytelling. I never played 'Zelda' but I gather most of the world has.


	39. The Poodle Bites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The response to Mabel's modest proposal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea or nay? Zappa and jazz. Unicorn math.

"Oh, wow! I'm flattered, dude! Dudes! I'll have to talk it over with my dad, but I think, yes!" Wendy said.

"What?! ALL of you?! All of US?! I don't know..." Pacifica replied. She thought about it. I love Dipper. I love Mabel, in a way. I said I was willing to share with lumberjack girl. Ford's actually kinda HOT! So's Stan once you get used to him. Morty and Summer were a huge help and are cute as hell. Rick? I don't know, he seems unstable. Pacifica Northwest! You killed your father! You're not going to win any awards for mental health! If I hadn't shot him, this would kill my father! That gives it a certain attraction. "... I just don't know, maybe?"

Morty and Summer looked at each other. "What do you think, Summ? Shall we follow in mom and dad's footsteps, get married way too young and fuck up the kids?" Morty asked.

"I think we have to, Morty! At this point it's like a family tradition!" Summer answered. They both turned to Mabel and said "Yes!"

"It doesn't, and you can't, I won't, and it don't, it hasn't, it isn't, it even ain't, and it shouldn't, it couldn't" Rick sputtered.

"What's the matter, Rico? Doesn't fit in with your Conceptual Continuity? It should be easy to see, the crux of the biscuit Is the Apostrophe(')" Stan said.

"No, no, no, NO!" Cried Rick.

"He told me NO NO NO! I told him YES YES YES! I said: 'I do it all the time' . . .Ain't this boogie a mess!" Stan replied, laughing. 

Morty and Summer stood back to back, miming microphones. They started singing in harmony:  
"🎵 THE POODLE BY-EE-ITES  
THE POODLE CHEWS IT  
THE POODLE BY-EE-ITES  
THE POODLE CHEWS IT  
THE POODLE BY-EE-ITES  
THE POODLE CHEWS IT  
THE POODLE BY-EE-ITES  
THE POODLE CHEWS IT.🎵"

Wendy, Pacifica, Dipper, Mabel, Grenda and even Ford all looked at each other in growing confusion. Their collective musical education hadn't gotten as far as the weird and wonderful world of Frank Zappa. Apostrophe the night before had been their first exposure. Stan was a different story. Stinkfoot, the saga of Nanook and the fur trapper, Dyna-Moe Hum, Camarillo Brillo, Titties and Beer, the Slime, Flakes, the Central Scrutinizer and imaginary guitar solos had all been his companions on the long, long road. 

Morty and Summer also had a long acquaintance with Sheik Yerbouti. From, believe it or not, their dad. Jerry Smith was a huge jazz fan. He could sit for hours in his Titanic themed study listening. He could follow the conversations Satchmo had with 'Bubber' Miley had in the late '20s via cornet, back when jazz was being born. He loved swing, Chick Webb, Benny Goodman, Artie Shaw, Glenn Miller, Count Basie. Coleman Hawkins, Harry James. Be-bop. Diz and Bird, Max Roach, Ornette Coleman, Mingus, Monk, Miles and 'Trane. Fusion. Cannonball Adderley, Joe Zawinul, Weather Report, Alphonse Mouson and Billy Cobham. He was one of the few people in the western world that if you said the words 'Charles Brown' to he didn't think of a round-headed kid with a vaguely allegorical Christian message, but a trumpet player. It's a small step from Ornette Coleman and Bitches Brew to Zappa and Captain Beefheart.

Candy knew Zappa primarily as a composer and conductor, but was familiar with his more 'popular' work. You hear EVERYTHING at music camp.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!" Rick screamed at Morty and Summer. "Jeez! Everything's a joke to you fuckin' (erp) people! I taught you too well! Lee, this is your fault!" 

"You started it, Rico. We're serious, though. I know it's out of the blue, but whattaya say? Remember, never bet against a Pines!" Stan held. 

"R-r-r-rick?" Morty interrupted. "I d-don't want to fuck this up, but there's s-something you should know. I r-ran into someone who's n-name we don't use and it says it misses you and all is f-forgiven. That you were right, Beta-seven tried to assimilate it, and it's given up on taking over the universe. It just wants a galactic quadrant and to gear up for a hivemind war."

"Fuck me! FUCK ME!! Unity's on the prowl again? Shit, maybe I DO need to be part of a collective!" Rick bemoaned.

"No, grandpa Rick, this is GREAT! I wanted to bring all these people home with us until the psychic fallout wore off anyway! There's NO WAY dad can deny family!" Summer asserted. 

"Jerry! Wasn't even THINKING of him! This'll blow his mind! He'll HATE it! Another point in it's (braap) favor! Fuck it! I say yes! And that's the waaayyyy the news goes!" Rick said.

"Richard, as much as I appreciate your saying yes, I'm not exactly comfortable with leaving half of the planet in the throes of an existential crisis. Is there nothing we can do?" Ford asked.

"What the fuck do you want me to do, Fordsy? Come up with some kind of happy ray? Wait...Fordsy, does this dimension's Seattle (belch) still have any M-moon towers?" Rick responded.

"I believe so. Why?" 

"There may BE something we can do. I used a similar concept to toxify the world once. I'll need to whip up a couple of miniverses and I don't know, hardwire a fucking rat or hamster's pleasure centers up. Might work. SHOULD work! But we'll leave that for now. I think a week or so of the first world being caught up in the throes of an existential crisis, angst and suicidal thoughts while the third world chugs m-merrily along could have a salubrious effect on (erp) politics. Let's extend your parameters, Fordsy! I want some hands-on with this shit before I try to rig my own house. Then we have a wedding to plan. I don't want one, they're like funerals with cake."

"What, we're going to get a rabbi, a priest and a minister together? Sounds like a bad joke! Something simple, Rico. A quick civil ceremony. I bet I can talk Mayor Cutebiker into doing it!" Stan said.

"Uncle Tyler would LOVE to! I can hear it now! You may now kiss the bride and groom and bride and groom and bride and groom and bride and groom. Get 'em!" Wendy proclaimed. She pulled out a cell phone. "Dad? I wanna get married! ..... I KNOW I'm young!.....Who to? Well, Dipper Pines...... I KNOW he's young!......And....yes, there's an and! There's LOTS of ands! Mabel Pines....yes she is! Well, bi anyway!.........Yes, like us!....And Stanley and Stanford Pines....yes, both of them!.......And, well, the out-of-towners you met yesterday! ..........Yes, ALL of them!......... I KNOW it's irregular! And.........yes, there's another and.......... Pacifica Northwest.........No, I don't think so............ right, like sister-wives............. I don't CARE how the Garcia/O'Kelly/Davis thing worked out!....... Sure, what's-her-name Knott bailed! Maybe I'll bail, but I wanna try it!..........Good! Is uncle Tyler around?............. 'Cause it's Sunday afternoon and I know what you two get up to on Saturday nights! ........ Thanks!......... Uncle Tyler? Wendy, I want you to marry me............no, in your position as the Mayor of Gravity Falls. ........... Right, about three?.......... Perfect!" She put her phone away. "Right, that's all set, he'll see us at City Hall at three-ish. Let's expand your periwinkles or whatever!" Everyone just gaped at her. "What? Rick said he didn't want cake."

"Riiiight." Said Rick. "No cake. Fordsy! How the fuck does this shit work? Is it p-placement or you just pile the shit up or what?"

"I'll need to have an idea of the layout of your house, Richard. You'll need at least three Moonstones, just a sprinkling of mercury and enough unicorn hair to wrap the outside of your house. Placement and number of Moonstones depends on the layout, there's a certain amount of Feng Shui involved." Ford replied.

"What about, um, extradimensional extensions, Fordsy? I have some annexes kinda like Lee's playroom upstairs. I assume you're responsible for that (burp) space, right? " Rick asked.

"I'm certainly NOT responsible for the use to which it's been put, but yes. I used it as extra lab space. Sometimes you need to do something that isn't prudent to have in the same dimension you live in. You understand, Richard. Once you figure out portals, pocket dimensions are easy. " Ford responded. "Different dimensions, I don't need to factor in. They're tucked away in a nice fractal curve."

"Yeah, I occasionally build planets for special customers. If you're putting together a smallish gas giant with a mostly ammonia atmosphere, you don't want it just layin' around in the garage. Neighbors pitch a bitch if they survive. Norad takes a notice. That sorta thing. Cool, makes it easier." Rick agreed.

Rick and Ford started drawing floorplans of Rick's house and the Mystery Shack. Ford calculated the dimensions of the Shacktron, let's see, to have a sphere large enough to protect the legs you'd need to move this moonstone here, extra unicorn hair here, here and here.... Candy wandered over to watch. Ford started writing equations on the floorplan of Rick's place. Rick got the gist quickly and added about half a page of esoteric, arcane math. Candy watched with interest.

"Fordsy, is the damn thing impermeable from the inside? I hate to depend on defense alone, I'd like to be able to return (erp) fire." Rick asked.

"Beats me, Richard."

"Excuse me, Mr. Rick." Candy spoke up hesitantly, pointing to a section of math. "If I'm reading this right, it should be semi-permeable to anything less than 4.8 times ten to the eightyeth joules."

Rick looked. "Holy fucking shit, Mulan, you're right! What happens if you exceed 4.8 times ten to the eightyeth joules?"

"I'm not sure, Mr. Rick. It seems to go.... somewhere." Candy confessed.

"Not bad, Mulan! The whole sphere and everything in it takes off on a vector in the Teh time dimension. Time travel, sort of. Just in a different time. See, there's three time dimensions, T, τ and Teh. We're in T. I'm not worried though, 4.8 times ten to the eightyeth joules is twenty orders of m-magnitude greater than the Big Bang. I don't have a gun that big." Rick explained. "You're good at math, aren't you? You been teaching the kid, Fordsy?"

"No, Richard. I haven't really seen her since the twins' thirteenth birthday." Ford replied.

"Kid, get a saddle ready for the universe. Ford, what is with your dimension? These girls SCARE me a little, Fordsy! These people are too fucking competent!" Rick complained.

"They fought back against the end of the world, Richard. And won! What did you expect?" Ford said.

"Idiots. Like most people. NOT thirteen year old girls doing advanced hypermath. Hawking would have trouble with these equations, Fordsy! I know, I showed something like this to him once." Rick answered. 

"Stephen was enamored with black holes, Richard. He neglected the big picture." Ford replied.

Candy felt oddly content. She had out-thought Stephen Hawking!

Mabel sat down next to Pacifica. " 'S'up, Paz?!" She asked. "Everyone else said yes! Why not you?!"

"I've got responsibilities! I can't just do whatever I want! I'm the Northwest now! Mom can't do it, I have to run a realty firm and a factory that's about to be raided by the feds and tell mom how to vote on fourteen different boards of directors and make everything look like she's doing it! I'm gonna get WRINKLES!! It's too much, Mabel! It's too much and I can't, I just can't! I KILLED MY FATHER! I'm a murderer! It's, it's... Augghh!!" Pacifica screamed. 

"Tchahh! That's it?! You killed ONE guy?! Who deserved it?! Paz, Paz, I killed seventeen people! Who never, ever hurt me in any way! Heck, I didn't even KNOW fourteen of 'em! But I killed them just as sure as if I shot each of them in the head! Because I wanted more summer! Because I couldn't face eighth grade without my brother! Because I'm selfish and childish and silly and everything you called me on founders day and worse! Because I'm a terrible, terrible person! But y'know what?! Rick and Grunkle Ford killed some number of people I don't come CLOSE to understanding in one afternoon! Rick's got one thing right! Shit happens, don't think about it! What does Pacifica Northwest want, really truly want?! You say you've never done what you wanted! So, what do you want?!" Mabel, for the first time since Pacifica had known her didn't seem completely upbeat. Until she asked Pacifica what she wanted. Then, she seemed like herself. 

"I, I want to be with you! And Dipper!" She answered. 

"So, marry us! Don't be alone! We'll help! I bet Grunkle Stan can help with business stuff and he says you're ready and Grunkle Ford can help fix up your factory and if I can't improve the curb appeal of houses you can't sell my name isn't Mabel Pines! We're in this together, girl!" Mabel said and smiled her sunniest smile. 

Could it really be that easy? Pacifica thought. Could she be with someone she loved and not with some rich boy like Marius Fundhauser, who had had the good sense to hook up with Grenda before her parents could close the deal? She knew why he had been invited to that party, daddy wanted somebody rich and mom wanted somebody titled. Fortunately, Marius wanted somebody who treated him like a person and lucked into finding her. But so did she! Twice and maybe more! "Yes, I'll marry you!" She breathed. 

Mabel fist-pumped. "YES!! MATCH MADE!!" she exclaimed. 

"Sounds like Blondie finally made up her mind." Rick said. 

"That is nice." Answered Candy, who in talking with Rick and Ford was watching the multiverse open in front of her like a chrysanthemum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter fought me. I have places that I want this story to go, it's winding down but this wanted to drag things in I wasn't ready for yet! Hopefully we won't be stalled again.


End file.
